Toddler Aggression

Sorry. It sounds like he is looking for attention. He understands the family dinamic at home and is okay. It's just when their are a lot of adults around he wants attention, to be treated special. He then acts out his pent up aggressions on his cousin. My son did the same thing at 5, when my daughter was about 5months. He was okay with everyone else. It's like he knew that his cousin wasn't an enemy, just he was where he wanted to be(his normal) with out his sister, and lashed out by biting. Saddly he continued this 3 or 4 more times, before his cousin bit him back. Not that it is a good thing at all to be biting, but when he was the one on the recieving end, he knew it had to stop. Then came the tears and the complaints that although he loved his sister, he missed being an only child. Hopefully your son won't bite again, and it won't lead to him recieving the bite. But some kids don't learn unless they have it done to themselves. Like the lesson do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Really that to a child is just words, until they are on the recieving end. I don't know what to tell you to do. But it eventually will end. All kids at some point try to bite others. It may be they can't verbalize the feelings they have. Give him some extra attention when their are others around. Be a little more strict, as far as what behaviors you let slide. Like if he jumps on the furniture when their is company (a no no) punish him,(for a while) where before you let it slide. Just so he knows that his behavior is being watched, and bad behavior is not tollerated biting included. See how much his behavior has changed, how many little things that you brush off really are there? More than usual? It may just be the whole thing of not being able to express himself about his feelings. And his cousin just seemed the way to do it. My son did grow out of it. I felt the same as you helpless, and sorrowful for the biting.
I am now a mother of 3, and we find ways of coping with feelings-music, drawing, and car ride talks. You can't do much else in the car. It has become a 'safety zone'. What is said/felt in the car stays there. It's major sense of relief for my oldest son, now almost 7. He is 5 years older than his sister, and 6 to his brother. A gap that has in itself many challenges, so time to talk is a must. Car rides do work. I know your children aren't as far apart as mine, but try anything. It could help.
I really hope all works out for you.

hi C..

here is what I think about child agression. children want to be loved by the people that care about them, they need and want that more than we can imagine. So, when they are acting out, they are doing the best that they can do to integrate and make sense of their world. If they could, they would find more effective ways to do so, ways that are not causing disconnect with others and disapproval. That said, a toddler has a compelling drive to individuate and feel their power, as they should; and there is an inner tension between receiving approval and needing to feel themselves as seperate than the other, with their own individuality and agenda. tricky developmental stuff to negotiate.

Also, many many children (maybe most) find groups of people over stimulating and difficult to integrate into their organisms (physical emotional cognitive), and they usually do best to have this in small doses, after they've slept very well, or with lots of adult presence (not necessarily adult interference).

There are a myriad of ways to give children an opportunity to discover their autonomy and express themselves in a manner that maintains boundaries, containment. There are some books that touch on various aspects of this, but I've not found many authors who have focused in on this very important key to toddler development. They tend to be behaviorly focused, which might help to effectively control the behavior, but doesn't necessariy meet the child's developmental needs.

When toddlers/children do act out It is important that they feel they are not bad but that their inappropriete behavior will not be allowed, that the adult will establish the safety, the container, that they need by calmly saying, "I'm not going to let you hurt so and so. You need to play over here." or "it is difficult for you to be here and play with the children right now. You need to be safe (believe me a child who is biting does not feel safe - it is scary! even if they like the powerful feeling) and so and so needs to be safe, so we will go home now. We will play with them another day." You can also involved the child in caring for the injured child, in a calm rational way. "So and so's back is hurting very badly. Please go find her mommy." Or, let us find her dolly, so that she will feel better." Children are always doing the best that they can, and it is important to give them the message that behaviors they are engaging in are harmful and you will stop them from engaging in the behavior, without shaming them or making them feel badly. If they are acting out there is something they need to access to work out the issue.

There are many ways to help him focus his feelings constructively.

Also, at 5 months your little girl is beginning to become a little person, and just at the developmetal stage in which your son is coming to terms with his seperateness from the caring adults in his environment. He may have fears (unconscious or conscious) of being replaced. It could be a somewhat delicate moment in his development.

I am a family consultant, and if you would like some ideas with how to support his healthy development, I am available!

M.

I do not condone biting at all. But I do have 2 boys and I understand! My children have never bitten...yet! But in your situation I believe it is a coping mechanism. Teaching him how to handle frustration or anger without biting may help. Boys are boys and they get rough and play so it may have just been a response to the rough housing. My kids wrestle and play constantly and I have to watch them carefully having a 5 year old and a 2 year old:) So if no one was paying attention and the nephew did something that your son was not sure how to respond to...maybe biting came to mind. Talk to him! Makes a world of difference! And put the "What if" question in his hands. "What if this happens...what do you think you should do?" Good luck!
~A.

C., don't panic. You're son is just reacting to something and it very well may be that he is overstimulated in that environment. At his age actions speak much louder than words and he obviously had something on his mind.
M.

I had a lot of success with intervening as you did and then being consistant with saying." this family does not hit. We talk. I will not let you hit or hurt other people or living things and I will not hit or hurt you. understood? It was said quite seriously but calmly. I would often be able to demonstrate an alternative to rough play that they understood at the level they are at. it is good to keep it short and to do it when ever there is aggression or too rough play. I am a grandmother and also a nurse. S.

Dear C.,
My experience with my two boys is that this is indeed a phase that they go through around this age. I do think this happens when they become overwhelmed and are overstimulated - the TV and yelling ( must be the Patriot game!) tend to crank them up. I'd talk to your son, and tell him how sometimes you feel "frustrated" or "overwhelmed" (In words he would understand)when there are so many people and so much noise...and suggest you have a signal that he can give you when he wants your undivided attention so he will stop feeling frustrated. Believe me - you feel your son is the only one doing this, but I've never met a kid who didn't go through this stage! Be firm , and ask him how he felt when he bit his cousin.. kids are willing to say more than we think they are.
Good luck - whatever you do, don't listen to the old people who tell you to bite him back so he knows what it feels like - That's nuts!

Hello C.,
My name is B. and I turned 50 today!!
I am raising 2 sons. One 17 and the other will be 13 in Dec.
MY suggestion and observation of my own boys when they were young. ( I was a stay at home mom and still only work 3 days a week, no nights, no weekends , no holidays, I find they need me just as much now as they ever did.)

I WOULD MAKE SURE THAT SOMEONE IS KEEPING A CLOSE EYE ON THE TWO THAT ARE FIGHTING...........CHILDREN ARE VERY RARELY AGGRESSIVE WITH EACH OTHER UNLESS PROVOKED.
YOUR SON "MAY" HAVE JUST EXPERIENCED "THE LAST STRAW" NOT THAT HIS REACTION WAS A POSITIVE ONE BUT SELF DEFENSE COMES IN MANY FORMS.
HE IS OLD ENOUGH THAT YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK TO HIM AND ASSURE HIM THAT HE CAN COME TO YOU NO MATTER WHAT IS HAPPENING AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU OR HIS DAD MAY BE DOING. OUR JOBS AS PARENTS ARE TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN, BUT THEY NEED TO KNOW THAT. JUST LIKE WE TELL THEM WE LOVE THEM EVERY DAY WE NEED TO LET THEM KNOW FROM VERY EARLY ON THAT WE ARE THERE FOR THEM AND THAT THEY CAN COME TO US ANY TIME.

IF IT TURNS OUT THAT YOUR SON WAS THE ONE TO START THE TROUBLE THEN IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT A CONSEQUENCE IS MADE FOR THAT BEHAVIOR. THE CHILD MUST KNOW THAT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE IS BITING OR HITTING EXCEPTABLE.
FOLLOW THROUGH AND YOU WILL BEGIN A RESPECT SITUATION FROM YOU SON FROM AN EARLY AGE AND HE BECOMES A TEENAGER THE RESPECT WILL BE INSTILLED IN HIM. DON'T FORGET TO LOVE EM' UP AFTER THE CONSEQUENCE.
AS FAR AS A CONSEQUENCE: WHAT'S HIS FAVORITE FOOD, SNACK, T.V. PROGRAM, TOY ETC. THE CONSEQUENCE SHOULD MAKE ENOUGH OF AN IMPACT ON HIM THAT HE WILL THINK BEFORE HE DOES IT AGAIN.
Thanks for letting me share my opinion. If you choose to use it let me know the outcome. Sincerely, B.

P.S. My husband and I have raised our boys in a Christian home so we have used Bibical principles in their up bringing.
Learning Bible verses and what they mean starting at an early age has made us proud parents of two well respected young men of their peers, both friends their own age and those adults in their lives.
We started with
Ephesians 6:1 Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.