Would You Be Honest with Your Kids?

I am honest with my daughter about everything and sometimes she asks some mighty embarrassing questions! It is always best to be truthful with her since I expect her to be truthful with me.

I have always been honest with my kids by oldest is 15 and he has asked questions I have told him, I have always been very open about my past- He has also been told that it is unfortunate for him that he got the parents he did because of the hell we both raised when we were young we know every sign, signal, lie, cover up that he could possible ever think of. If you are going to try it, do it, or lie about either my DH or I have done it and there is very little he can get away with.

Interestingly, my kids are 19, 17, and 14, and have never asked. We talk about the issue frequently. So maybe since they are very clear about my stance on all these isues, they don't need to ask?

(Health class has prompted MANY interesting conversations on the way home from school over the years!)

:)

(If they ask, I might say something like, Yes, I was dumb, but I think YOU'RE better than that, and I DO think they're better than I ever was!)

I think if a child is old enough to ask a question they are old enough to get an honest answer. I have told them everything they have asked including my judgement of my actions.

My parents were those we never did a darn thing wrong. Either they really didn't, which is likely, which means they don't know jack. So I had to try myself, or they were lying sacks of ...... and I didn't respect their opinion so I had to try myself.

I figured I would go with honesty and hope some of the stuff they wouldn't try themselves. So far so good and the older ones are adults now. :)

Hi Twin mama-

I am honest with my kids (age appropriately of course). They are all 14 and older now, and I would say there are few (if any) topics that are 'out of bounds' for me...and they have come to expect honest answers. They are also inclined to 'give' honest answers...so it kind of goes both ways!

Best Luck!
michele/cat

Yup, I will be honest with my kids. I don't know when, and I don't know exactly how or in what context. In our family, it's going to be an important and ongoing topic.

I am a FIRM believer (after doing extensive research and having collected my own and other people's experience) in: Drugs/alcohol don't create addiction. That is, "The misconception that drug taking by itself will lead to addiction - in other words, that the cause of addiction resides in the power of the drug over the human brain...It also obscures the existence of a basic addiction process of which drugs are only one possible object, among many. Compulsive gambling, for example, is widely considered to be a form of addiction without anyone arguing that it's caused by a deck of cards," Gabor Mate, MD.

Also, there is a lot of debate about what causes addiction and what constitutes recovery. The disease model is a helpful piece/stepping stone in this discovery, but I don't believe it contains the full answer. In ten years, when my kids are teens, we will have yet more understanding of 1. what is addiction 2. what causes addiction 3. how can we treat ROOT of addiction. So that will be part of the discussion.

We have two children. One is our biological daughter, the other is our biological niece. Both children have experienced 1. intense prenatal stress 2. bio parents being addicts 3. Early childhood stress/(in my niece's case) trauma.

That sets 'em up pretty darn well to become addicts. So, it's going to be important that we have an understanding of, "you may be at risk - you already may be an addict and not know it yet", without fear and rhetoric taking the main stage. Especially because it's entirely possible that they will, in fact, not be addicts.

Thank GOODNESS we have time to figure out (and feel out) what that conversation/s needs to look like. Also, I will not be sharing any horror stories with them. They need to know facts. Age appropriate facts, ideas, non-romanticized/not detailed experiences. They don't need to carry around their parents garbage and baggage, nor have it demonized, nor be isolated by our experiences. In my family, drugs and alcohol haven't JUST been used experimentally/recreationally. They were used to "lubricate duplicity", numb trauma, fill the hole, and keep up the Run...as well.

In this way, I fully agree with 12 Step literature. "Alcoholism is the symptom." "Alcohol was the solution." Rather than to teach them to fear alcohol/drugs/substances/behaviors, I hope to teach them to recognize their own internal process and warning signs. I hope to give them tools that will help them to find healing, self value, and compassion and to conduct themselves in a fulfilling manner. THAT is what I hope to focus on when we have these talks. I hope that they may be able to recognize the "hunger" that precedes active addiction, and to find hope and solace without needing to struggle and despair as much as I did. That, I think, is a a different set of conversations, and the ones I look forward to.

We will also be talking about harm reduction (mostly safer sex), about using/drinking and driving, about the effects of substances on a still developing body, and about sex, consent, and inebriation. Additionally, I hope to educate them about the risks and effects of illegal and legal substances, on the mind and body.

So, yes. I'll be honest. In an age appropriate and feel-out-what's-right-at-what-age kind of way.

Yes absolutely. I have been honest with my 17 yr old daughter when she has asked the hard questions but I expect the same courtesy!

My husband and I are both ex-smokers (me for almost 17 years, he for almost 20 and we are only 35!) so my boys have actually seen us smoke. We will tell them how hard it was to quit and hope that they will see that we quit and just never try. That's all I have done. My husband, on the other hand, is a recovering alcoholic (10 years sober), ex drug user (the hard stuff) and we will also tell the kids about that if they ever ask.
Kids are asking, not because they want permission, but because they want to know what your experience was. They will hear from someone who has used and abused how awful it was, how bad he felt, how stupid hard it was to quit, and how it can be a struggle to be sober. It's okay for our kids to know we messed up. We are human! But, it's even better for them to see how we have bettered ourselves by leaving that behind.
I don't consider these things to be "private". My sex life though...that may be a bit tougher to discuss. I hope that if we are ever asked about that that we just talk about how much better it is to wait and respect the person they are with instead of what my parents did and say, "don't do it!"
L.

yes, I would. How can a parent expect their children to be honest with them, if they cannot do the same? NO, I really hope they DON'T follow in my footsteps, but I am not infallible, and I want them to know that I understand and can still love them if they make mistakes. I also hope they can see that I am past all that now, and that I worked hard to become a better, healthier, smarter person.

no, I am not going to announce to my kids "I lost my virginity at this age, I started smoking when I was ____, so on and so forth..." BUT if asked, I will tell the truth. I will also add that I am really disappointed in myself for doing a lot of the things that I did, and that I feel my children are better than that! I have family examples of people who got out of hand, like my father who was an alcoholic, and pot-smoker for most of my life, and I won't be shielding my kids from the truth that you can RUIN your life with these things.

As far as the "funny stories" that I have about "this one time at a party...." well they might get to hear them when they are adults...

As an adult now, I don't smoke, and limit drinking to an occasional glass of wine, and maybe getting "tipsy" once of twice a year (while the tots are being watched by a babysitter and my husband and I are having a date night). I don't do anything illegal, I just don't want to take that risk, when I have so much too lose and nothing to gain from it!

-M.

I will always be honest with my kids about my past. I did drugs, I drank, I had sex with strangers. I was not a "good girl", but I am not ashamed of my past, and if my kids can learn a little something from what I did wrong, and avoid any of it, I would be doing them a disservice to not be open and honest.

Also, I think it is important for our kids to know that we are human, and we were kids once too, and we do understand some of what they are facing. We all screw up, and it may help them deal with their own mistakes knowing that not even mommy and daddy are perfect.

Plus, how can we expect our children to be honest with us if we are not honest with them?

It's best to be honest. If asked admit what you did and why if you can remember. I did some crazy things young and I have admitted them. But then again that is me.

Honesty is the best policy. If you don't answer them correctly they find out and then they will/or won't trust you again.

Good luck.

The other S.

I never think lying is a good idea, but age appropriate is. For a young child, I would (and did) steer my child away from the line of questioning, but as kids get older lying is a bad idea. Better to tell the truth and the CONSEQUENCES of the actions. Finding out a parent has lied is IMO the worst betrayal an person can experience. It makes you question everything they ever told you.

What a great question. I think I will tell them the truth if they are old enough to handle it.

I want my kids to a) realize I am not perfect, b) learn from my mistakes, c) recognize I am human AND be able to relate to me on a "real" level. Those who stand up and say "How could you ever do _____, I would NEVER do _____" don't usually get the best results in trying to convince that person not to do __________.

I am pretty proud of the choices I have made. I will be more than willing to share those with my kids. I hope they learn and grow from them.

Great question. I would like to think I will be honest with that as well as sex questions (i.e. - mom- when did you first have sex?). She's five now, I need to start planning ahead. I want an honest relationship so she will never feel 'afraid' to come to me for questions/concerns.

Yup, I have and will continue to answer honestly when my son asks these types of questions. He is 15 now, but we have been having ongoing discussions about alcohol and drugs for years now.

Alcohol because alcoholism runs up and down my family tree and I think it is a genetic trait he should be aware of. Drugs, because he and I have the exact same reactions to certain prescription medications, so my assumption is that he may have the same (adverse) reactions to some, um, illegal substances that I tried in my 20s.

All of our conversations have come up naturally, as a result of a question he had, something he learned or heard, etc.

I think it is okay for our children to understand that we erred sometimes, but that we learned and that they can learn from our experiences also.

God Bless

My mom was honest with me... and believe me!!! It really made a difference. I chose not to do alot of the things she did b/c I was embarressed about her and what her actions resulted in. So yes.. I will be honest with my kids.

I would have no problem being honest with my kids. Of course, my answer to any of those questions is "No" so depending on the situation with my children that may or may not be a good thing. Hopefully it will be a good thing.

If I am ever asked about drugs I will say "I tried smoking pot after your mom was born but it was such a let down, kind of boring. I was much happier being a mom and taking care of her." or something like that to show I did try it but it wasn't anything great.

I didn't volunteer my history, but when my daughter asked me point blank, I answered her honestly and also explained to her why what I had done was not the smartest thing in the world.

You have to be age sensitive.

If it was something you are proud of share with them as they are growing up.

If it is something you wished you hadn't done and are ashamed of it, tell them after they are fully grown and out of the house. I know a really nice lady that told her teen age daughter something she had done (the daughter asked) and was ashamed of. The daughter then felt if mom can do it, I can do it. BIG mistake.

The mom recovered. The daughter ruined her life. Don't tell them anything you don't want them to do or try.

Good luck to you and yours.

Depends on how old my kids are. At age four, no, I don't think I'll share the gory details. But I won't outright lie... I'll sort of avoid the question and promise to talk more about it when they're older. When they're 15, though - yeah, I'll tell them what I did. And I'll share the consequences (fortunately for me, not any bad ones). I want to have open and honest communication with my kids about ALL topics so this one is fair game.

When I went to rehab my girls were 3 and 4. They knew that mama was in the hospital trying to get better so I could be a better mama to them. When they got older I told them that I had done drugs (when they asked). They know they have different dads (since they have never met them and never will) but youngest knows that her dad was abusive and caused them to induce with older. Older does not know that I am not sure who her father is. i will tell her one day just not today.

I would and have. As was age-appropriate. I think they take your word for things more if they know you have experience, vs. just being an uptight fuddy-duddy who doesn't know anything.

I will be honest with my kids. Why let them find out later you lied about things you did? They will find out eventually. I found a box of college pictures not in my mom's college scrap book. Uh, hello!!

But you can also use your experiences to warn them about why it was a bad idea and if they are smart allow them to not make the same mistakes.

Yes, I think it is very important to be honest. My most embarrassing area is past boyfriends, but sharing that might help my sons avoid mistakes I made.
My husband gets a free pass--he has never done anything to be embarrassed about.

Yes I would be honest (especially since all my answers are that I never did try them). My father took a very honest approach with us and told us about his use, his trips, what scared him straight, etc. As a child/teen I appreciated the honesty.

Yes, I would tell the truth.

Yes, but it's easy for me...because, I haven't done any of that. However, we have a strong line of serious addiction and lawlessness in my side of the family. (The reason I am pretty straight edged about breaking any law, or doing drugs.) I plan to be very frank (but appropriate) about these things, because it has hit my family hard in the past and present. I also want him to be aware of the reasons people do these things, and how to better himself, and ask for help...if he finds himself dealing with any of those reasons.

I don't know how and when we will do all this, but I know it's so important.

I agree with the age appropriate. My daughter is 10 and knew I use to smoke prior to having her. She also gets the other side though bout how hard it was to quit and the bad affects to health and how to say no if someone tries to give her a cigerette.

I think I lean more on your husbands side.

I am honest and if I feel my kids are too young to know something, I let them know that too. I keep the discussion age-appropriate.

I've also told them that I expect honesty from them as well. We keep the lines of communication open - both ways.

Yes- and I've done almost everything at one time. When I tell my kids, I can give them first- hand accounts of what it does to you and why it's a bad idea. At least this way, they know that I know the signs and can't sneak anything past me!

I avoided the questions, changed the subject, etc... I figured they didn't need to know until they were grown. My oldest assumed I was innocent...... I think he still thinks I am an innocent.

My youngest started asking his freshman year in college and my deflections no longer worked. He saw right through me. I came clean, but not totally. I didn't share details. I told him what I learned and what my hopes were for him in making his decisions.

Interesting question. I always thought I would try and be as honest as possible and what not, but my neice is 15 and has asked me some of these questions already (she and I are very close and she has been/still is going through some major stuff) and I had a hard time being honest with her and it's not even my kid! So, I think my tune may have changed! I agree with age appropriateness and I suppose if it came right down to it and I thought that my truthfulness would make a difference, I'd probably mention SOME of the things, but not all of them! In the end, I'm afraid that no matter what our kids are going to do what they do in the hopes of making their own choices and learning their own lessons, which as an "older and wiser" adult makes me very uncomfortable since I've seen the light and would be happy to inform them if only they'd just listen! ;)

I think honesty, WHEN it's age-appropriate, is usually the best policy.
My son is 8. He already knows about the effects of addiction because of some addicted family members. Right now, I think that's enough.

I guess I am kinda lucky because I don't have a whole lot to hide...a few weeks of smoking when I was in jr high and trying to fit in with a new girl who was much more worldly than my other friends, and 1 night of underage drinking when I was 19--I have never been drunk since then. Whew! In my case I can discuss how I did a few stupid things, but learned from my mistakes and corrected course. I think it would be MUCH more difficult to discuss it it had been a long-term lifestyle.

I used to do drugs. An I dnt plan on telling my daughter ever. I knew from an early age my dad did drugs and so when I was offered drugs I thought it's no big deal my dad does it and when my dad told me to stop I said you do drugs so why can't I? I thought he was being all hypocritical even though I was underage. I quit a long time ago and my dad has been clean for a yr or so. Idk this I just me. Because my hubby says being completely honest is best but me I'm not so sure. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. If I get to it.
E. <3

NO!!! I would NOT let them think that, since i screwed up (and apparently turned out ok), then they can do too, no way! There are certainly other ways to educate them about what NOT to do and it is too easy for kids to justify themselves by using that excuse. I will not let my son think that it is somewhat "common" or naturally experimental to try some dangerous things such as drugs or unprotected sex with strangers (to name a couple) infact even HIS MOM did...Now, my conscience is clean as I really NEVER used drugs or got drunk or whatever - aside from unprotected sex with my long-term boyfriends (which I regret presently and wish I didn't do - thank God never got sick or pregnant), but even if I had done crazy things, I would NOT give him the excuse to flip the subject the way fits him best and basically give him permission to screw his life. Plus, why "burden" kids with a type of honesty that, frankly, can't make any sense to them? They did not live our time, our way, and will never comprehend what led their parents to try/do certain things, so I find that kind of honesty superficial and useless, when not damaging, to say the least. I may be old fashioned, but some things are best left uspoken. I am not preaching "silence" or saying you need to cover up your mistakes, I just don't see why children should lose respect of their parents more than they already do anyways.

About smoking, I'd be honest. If anything, it probably gives more credibility when you explain why you no longer use them. Because by mother and grandmother were heavy smokers for most of my childhood, we already knew about their habits, but they hated being chained to nicotine. They told us every time they lit up how stupid and dirty the habit was, and we watched them struggle to quit many times before they were successful.

My sisters and I have never been tempted to smoke.

I don't know whether the same would be true for illegal drugs, though. I suspect that some 'adventurous' kids will try them no matter what, if it's what their peer heroes are doing, or if it's something that their parents 'never would have done,' thus helping the youngster become a counter-culture hero in his own mind.

There's probably no one-size-fits-all answer. I think you have to get to know your own children to decide how much to reveal about our pasts. But it's important to be honest if there's any chance they will learn the truth anyway, or else they will feel a legitimate sense of betrayal. If we want our kids to be honest with us, we do well to teach them by example. And kids do, generally, communicate better about their own choices when they know their parents have had similar experiences, too.

My personal theory is that I should share my experiences with my kid so he can learn from them. There are to many lessons I learned the hard way and paid a high price for NOT to share.

Of course HOW you tell the story and which parts of it you focus on will change with age! The story of how my son came to be is an example, at 3 1/2 the story emphasizes that he was a happy suprise, a miracle concieved the first mother's day after my mom died. By the time he's a teenager I'm pretty sure I'll be emphasizing that if you use the "it'd take a miracle" form of birth control you better be prepared to change miracle diapers, and that he'd better give his Mom's name and number to any girl he sleeps with just in case, because I don't want to have any grandkids running around in the world I don't know about....

I think YOU are right. Some honesty is good. It makes them feel like they can open up to you....that it is safe and they won't be judged, at least not harshly.
I mean really...the alternative is parents who their kids view them as Perfect, Intimidating, with standards they will never live up to....like gods instead of human beings they can relate to, and be close to.