What Would You Do If You Were in My Shoes?

I have a job that allows me to work from home two days per month. On those days I still take the kids to daycare. If I didn't I wouldn't get anything done - house cleaning or my actual job. I'm afraid if you don't get help you are going to blow soon!

As a male, might I suggest a reality check for him?

Take the weekend (a friendly girls weekend or something) so that HE can experience two days of what you have been doing.

And then tell him if he wants to be sexist, you'll be happy to be barefoot and UNEMPLOYED at home. He's the man, you don't want to step on his toes. You want to let HIM provide for his family.

Otherwise shut the f(*^k up about how I do my job. Pitch in, or go to the couch. But don't dare think that your outside "expertise" is needed or appreciated here.

(phew...had something on my mind for a couple days and I think you helped me dislodge it. thanks)

I worked from home last Jan-August...my kids still went to daycare. You can't do your full-time job and be a SAHM. I know finances are tight like you said, but you need to find something for them .You just can't do it all.

You have some major problems. You need to have a frank and serious discussion with your husband. He needs to help with the kids and the bills more. He also needs to understand that just because you are working from home doesn't mean you aren't working. How would he like to bring the kids to his job and deal with them all day? I would bet not very much. Until he understands that you are working, he won't be much of a help.

Tell him to show you how clean he would like it for a few months so you can get a clear picture of his needs. :p

This is not being sarcastic mind you, you really care that his needs are met.

After a few months keep the house that way. Pretty damn sure it is cleaner now that it will be in a couple months of him taking care of it.

I am working on the theory that anyone who has actually cleaned a house would never make the you don't keep it clean enough comment. Never heard that comment from my husband and there are days I have to shut the blinds just in case the health department is walking by. :p

Sounds like he needs some alone time with the kids! Is there a day off of work for him that you can leave him home with the kids for a few hours while you go out? Go sit at the park & read if you don't have anything else to do!

Just let him know what it is like to be alone with the kids. He doesn't understand because he hasn't experienced it.

I'm working from home this summer while watching my 6 year old daughter. I know how you feel!

I would arrange to take a week off from work, and have him in charge of the home for a week - heck, even just a day will probably do the "trick" here. This is an issue of understanding and compromise. If that is just not possible how about you video record the day so he can actually see what happens.

I just had an idea. Get him to make you a list of the things he thinks you should be able to do in any given day. Then you make a list too, exchange them look them over and hand them both to him then go away for a weekend. Tell him that's his to do list and you'll go over it with him when you get home.

I agree that he needs a reality check.

The first thought that came to my mind was to go on strike. He would be an entire weekend with the kids and I would leave a list of shopping, cooking and cleaning things for him to complete. I would return just in time for bed on Sunday evening. I wouldn't even call. I would get me some well deserved rest and relaxation while I was on my strike.

When you have returned, take a good look around and ask him why things aren't the way he expects them to be and perhaps then and only then he will have a measure of compassion for you and your situation.

I would definitely get some help in there with the kids. Even if it is 2-4 hours a day for three days from a local teen or college student. It would be well worth the minor expense.

The 2 year old really doesn't understand about you being on the phone, or staying busy elsewhere. Your school aged kid does but isn't equipped to monitor his sibling which is why you would be best served getting some outside help inside your home. Even if you got someone in there it clean for a few hours once or twice a week.

You are not wrong to feel what you are feeling. You can and should take some measures to take the pressure off you which means you must get some help. We can do it all but not without help. Get your village that helps you raise your children in there to help you with yours.

Even a local church may have a low cost or no cost summer activity experience for your children that could free up some time for you. It is worth looking into.

It's in everyone's best interest here to get a sitter or daycare for the kids. You can't effectively do an 8 hour job and give your kids the attention they need all at the same time. It's unprofessional, and it's not fair to your kids. You're all getting the short end of the stick.

I am not sure how your DH expects you to work full time & take care of your kids & clean & cook all at the same time. I am not sure why he wouldn't understand that most normal people in this situation would've acquired daycare by now. No amount of saved money is worth your sanity or marriage.

Time to reconfigure your budget to allow for childcare costs, plain & simple. Now, it kind of sounds like your DH isn't the most helpful or understanding person & that there may be a good deal of stress in your marriage, so I'm not sure exactly what to tell you about that. But, I think getting your kids in childcare would take a huge weight off of your shoulders.

You've got big problems, mom. Quite frankly, none of this works at all. You don't have the money to pay for someone to take care of the kids, but you work and pay 2/3 of the bills. What kind of job does he do that he can't pay for childcare, working a full day plus?

Something has to give. You can't have two kids running amok all summer long with no structure and nothing to do, with you trying to work. It would be like bringing them to an out-of-the-home job - it's not appropriate.

I don't know what your expenses are, but you should drop every extra expense there is and get these kids somewhere that HANDLES them the way kids need to be handled. Your husband has to help pay for it too. I really think you made a mistake working from home, that your husband thinks that you should be cleaning the house and taking care of screaming kids all day long while you are working to bring in most of the money.

You are not wrong to feel upset and overwhelmed, and he is wrong in saying that moms have to deal with everything happily. In fact, the old adage is "If mom ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy." Better start standing up to him - no sarcasm, but straight out telling him that he's NOT going to make you into a Stepford wife who also makes most of the money.

You should worry about the impact of continuing with this lunacy where your kids are concerned. You will get report after report of bad behavior from school if your kids are unsupervised and unstructured all summer. And if your husband actually HAS to take care of them away from you, maybe he'll learn that taking care of kids is more than what he thinks!!

Wow, sounds like he has a pretty good deal going. You pay most of bills with your paycheck, take care of the kids and he expects you to also make sure the house is clean. I can understand how you are feeling...I would be wondering why I stay married to him as you are getting the short end of the stick in this relationship.

Maybe time to CHANGE shoes and husbands.

Most WAHMs who post on here DO have help. A job is a job, and you can't do it with kids under your feet and in your face all day.
Would he like to take the kids to work with him for a week or so, and see how much work HE gets done?
Clearly a heart to heart is in order. Plan a date night. Get a sitter and go to dinner in a nice quiet adult restaurant. His expectations seem unrealistic, but perhaps there are some compromises that can be made. Maybe you could get a house cleaner once or twice a month, to do the deep cleaning. Maybe you hire a mother's helper for a few hours a day rather than a full on sitter (my 13 year old daughter would be great at this!) And of course, since you both have paying jobs that require time and attention you both should be sharing in the housework, shopping, cooking.
Good luck. This is why so many marriages end these days, it's hard for a lot of couples to compromise and adjust their individual expectations but it is absolutely crucial.

Bless your heart. I just want to give you a (((hug)))...

I'm sorry your husband cannot be more understanding. I would just suggest that if he could help with the kids when he got home, THAT would put a smile on your face!

You have EVERY right to be/feel overwhelmed. Heck, I'm a SAHM without a job and one active boy and most days I am just flat worn out!

Don't give up on your marriage just yet...try to approach the subject of your needs during a good time, that way he'll be less defensive (maybe over a date night dinner?)

Good luck!

Just have him take the kids to work with him for a few days and see how that works out for him.

Yikes! I don't know how you do it. If you have hit a wall in communication, you need to see a therapist. This amount of resentment will end your marriage (not to mention he sounds like a d***).

First I"d read up on non-violent communication. It's a way of talking during which each side is in tune with the other side's feelings. Here's their web site. http://www.cnvc.org/

You start out by being in tune with his feelings while expressing your feelings using I statements. Sympathize with how he feels. Don't defend yourself. Focus on him and making sure you understand how he feels. Why is a clean house important to him, for example. Tell him you'd love to have a clean house and ask him how you can do that.
Stop talking before it turns into an argument.

It takes time to change the dynamics of conversations. And, it may not work with him. Depends on whether or not he's aware of feelings at all. Depends on him being confident enough to accept your feelings without believing he has to fix them and thus becoming critical. Depends on whether or not he can go into problem solving mode once he's past his anger with how things are. Depends on all those things for you too.

It would be of great help if he'd read the book too.

I agree with the idea to leave him alone with the kids even if for a few hours in the evening. Tell him in advance that on such and such a night you have plans and will be leaving when he gets home. Have dinner ready and then walk out, leaving him to deal with the kids.

Be upfront with him and tell him you'd like for him to experience just a little of what you experience every day for 24 hours. Be kind when you talk with him. Above all do not do this in anger. If you're angry when you walk out he'll spend the whole time stewing in his own anger and not get the message.

Do this several times. You might even suggest that it would be great if the dishes were done when you got back.

I did this with my husband and his mother who lived with us. It didn't change them but I felt a whole lot better having had the quiet time for myself.

I do think it does have the potential of allowing the other person to feel what it's like to be in your shoes. My ex is schizophrenic. It's emotionally impossible for him to feel others' emotions. I knew that when I started. Doing it still helped our relationship because he changed the way I felt. I was feeling like a victim but taking that time for myself helped me to feel like I had more control.

Working full time from home, means working all day. I am concerned he does not understand your home is like an office.

What exactly are you expecting your children to do while you are working all day?

If you were in an office and had the kids every day all day long, how would that work?

Make out a realistic schedule of the week day. Include the care of the children, breakfast, get them dressed outside play then , inside for quiet play 1 hour work, laundry, lunch for kids nap, work during nap, clean 1 bathroom, kids up, snack, play outside, come inside kids watch video, another hour of work, start dinner..

Are you seeing, there really is not enough time in the day for you to care for your children, take total care of the house and work full time around this.

What has got to give? Your husband needs to give a lot more help.

He is a member of this family and household..

He needs to stepup and take some of this burden from you. And the last thing he needs to do is to be on your back about a messy house..
He can come home and help clean and spend time with his children by bathing and putting them to bed...

It really isn't possible to be professional and get your work done with 2 little kids in the house. I work from home one day per week, and my daughter goes to daycare that day. My coworker works from home daily, and she has a nanny from 8:30-5:30. It just isn't practical. Perhaps you can hire a teenager to come to your house to watch the kids for you 6 hours a day 5 days per week this summer. You can go into your office and are not to be disturbed...the teen is in charge. The nice thing is that you would be there in case of an absolute emergency. And, if you wanted/needed to go out for a little bit during the day, you could do that too.

Updated

It really isn't possible to be professional and get your work done with 2 little kids in the house. I work from home one day per week, and my daughter goes to daycare that day. My coworker works from home daily, and she has a nanny from 8:30-5:30. It just isn't practical. Perhaps you can hire a teenager to come to your house to watch the kids for you 6 hours a day 5 days per week this summer. You can go into your office and are not to be disturbed...the teen is in charge. The nice thing is that you would be there in case of an absolute emergency. And, if you wanted/needed to go out for a little bit during the day, you could do that too.

If it was me I would tell him you are working all day and taking care of the kids all day all he's doing is working so he can take care of the house and if he does not want to do that he can pay someone to do it. Just because you are the mother and wife does not mean you can do everything. I have always worked full time ever since before I have had children and gotten married. My husband used to work full time he is without one now. but even when we both worked when I got home I had the kids and did not do a lot of house work he did most of it. But when he was home most of the time I was working and the kids were at school so he had time to himself. He never has been one well that's women's work which is good cause we probably would not be married now. Now that he's not working he does all the house work besides what the kids help with and part of the cooking. It totally sounds like ya'll need to go to marriage counseling to work on the communication. Yes mostly on his part put you saying hey you need to go to counseling would not go over well.

Good luck and God Bless!!!!

Your husband needs to feel the consequences. If he has any "play" money that he gets to spend, a good portion of that needs to go towards childcare for 1 or 2 days a week. If he has free time of an evening, pick two nights a week where he has to take care of his own children so you are not interrupted (for 2-3 hours, for example). Make sure you point out that he does not get interrupted at work, and you need the same respect. This can be worked through. Talk about it nicely...don't be mean or disrespectful. But you need to stand your ground and be treated like a working wife & mother.

He needs counseling. do you attend a church? maybe he would listen to the pastor or someone? I actually knew of men that my husband would listen to, and I would talk to them about the problem, and they would then talk to him. in a guy way. He wouldn't listen to me. but they would get through. the best talk came from our assistant pastor. who he respected. he met my husband for coffee at Panera's and had a talk.
he does not realize what you are dealing with. he's never home to see it. he is disrespecting you by talking to you this way. I would just leave on a day my husband was home and leave him with the kids. hoping he would realize what I was dealing with. I even went and visited my family for a weekend and left him with the kids. he got mad at me for making him deal with them. thought it was MY job, not his. that was when I turned to help. and it worked.
also, with the kids, give them a schedule so they have some structure. if they don't follow it, set up a punishment. time out or take away something they like. when they follow the schedule, have a reward. also look into playdates with friends. especially the older one. that will break up the week for you.
there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling though. you just need more support from your husband and maybe some friends when it comes to the kids!