I guess rather than one specific answer, I am mostly looking for others experiences with this issue, and what helped (or didn't help).
My husband and I have reached a point in our marriage when it seems to really just be about the kids. Small, but annoying, arguments and miscommunications have increased to the point where we are almost guaranteed to have one every time we're alone together. For the most part, we work opposite schedules - he works one job with a standard 8-4 schedule, and I work 3 part-time jobs while also watching our children while he is at work. In any case, we mostly feel like friends raising children together. We've tried things like "date night", but we don't really find anything to talk about other than work or kids, and the night often results in a disagreement.
On the plus side, we are very capable of having a positive, friendly relationship. There's no loud arguing or hostility, not really even much passive aggressive silence. He's also a very involved, attentive dad. The big thing missing from this marriage is any sign of a romantic relationship, or even interest.
At this point, we've agreed that for the most part, we both feel the same way regarding the relationship. I feel more strongly that I'd like a break from it, but logistically, that doesn't seem possible. We both agree that we would see someone (therapist, counselor), but I think major change would have to be evident pretty quickly, as it would be a financial stretch for us. We feel stuck in this place, as neither one wants to miss any time with our children - they are only 2.5 years and 8 months old, so for them to live with only one parent half the time seems painful for everyone involved.
Are there any other options that have worked for others? Ways to revive a seemingly lifeless relationship, alternative custody ideas... all options appreciated! Thanks for your thoughts.
Thanks, everyone! It's great to hear the perspective of other moms, and that this can be a common thing for many couples. It's hard to bring it up with other friends and fam (small town... word would spread quickly), so your advice is really appreciated. I definitely think it's worth our time and money to commit to some counseling and re-prioritizing in our relationship.
My advice is to get over the Early Childhood Hump. On the Other Side of it, you will find Great Rewards!
Believe me the time FLIES! Before you know it you will be two relative strangers with nothing to do but be into each other.
From what you describe here, sounds to me like you got the goods. Like you two CAN make it over the hump!
Enjoy it!
:)
It sounds like your still friends! Oh my.... seriously, take divorce off the table. What you are going through is NORMAL with small kids. It is an adjustment. My husband and I went through it and instead of "the divorce" talk, we talked about what we can do to rekindle (which is much more of a commitment than just date night). Counseling is much less expensive than divorce. Make the investment... now.
One of the things that people can do when they feel stuck is to look at how they '"frame" their thoughts.
For example: "We should have more 'life' in our marriage." Considered from other angles, it may be just as true to say: "We shouldn't have more 'life' in our marriage. It already contains plenty of life – our children and an agreeable relationship as we raise them." Or, "Our marriage shouldn't just be 'about the kids'" might be seen from this angle: "Traditionally and practically, most marriages become 'about the kids' while the children are young, and in more traditional societies, that is the main point of marriage."
My point isn't to convince you to stay in a marriage that isn't satisfying. I left a marriage that needed to be abandoned, and raised my 8yo daughter on my own until I eventually remarried. But if my husband and I had been on friendly terms, had been able to communicate, or had a more-or-less equal relationship, I probably would have stayed and it probably would have "worked" well enough to get our daughter raised. Financially and logistically, it would have been so much easier. And there was always the future possibility of splitting up once she was out on her own. But he was emotionally abusive to both of us, and the situation finally became untenable. Having any "life" or "romance" in our union was the least of my worries.
So, what I'm suggesting is that if you really can't see leaving the marriage as workable, or that it would create avoidable pain for your children, or even if you notice that dividing your household will probably cost a great deal more than you expect, you give yourselves some time to look at your marriage from other angles. Here's one that surprises a lot of busy young marrieds: A lack of romance can be a GOOD thing while the kids are toddlers. Their demands are so high (and your work lives are so full) that if you can get by without regular sex, that can be a boon. (Not every marriage can do this, because one partner's physical needs may remain high in spite of busyness – and then it's a serious problem.)
Have you thought about what your romantic life might look like if you were to divorce? It's awfully hard for a busy young mother to find a romantic partner who is willing to work around and include her kids. Happens, of course, but it's not guaranteed. So then you are just a busy single mom working and mothering more or less full time without even the relationship that contained companionship and sharing and good mutual parenting and a history.
And the last thing about romance is this: that first blush of passionate togetherness and connection changes. Even in the best marriages, it becomes something different and often surprising. The drive-you-wild edge blurs, you get to know what to expect from each other and the element of surprise and newness softens. At that point, couples may drift apart and go looking for "new" again, or they may accept the fading of intensity as simple reality, and not so bad at that. A committed relationship has much to offer, even if passion fades.
You are ultimately the only one who can determine what you truly need. I hope that as you do this, you'll also keep in mind what your children need. They came into your marriage at your behest, and there is real responsibility leaning on you because of that simple fact.
If you would like to explore the idea of reframing your thoughts, you can do this at no cost with a remarkable process called The Work, as taught by Byron Katie (http://www.thework.com/index.php). At the website, you can download some worksheets and follow the process to see whether it can give you freedom from the thoughts that are making your life seem less than agreeable. My husband and I, and a number of my acquaintances, find this process to be a source of surprising insight and happiness.
I wish the best to you and yours.
Divorce should not be part of your vocabulary. Marriages go through different stages. Cant you picture yourself 5 years from now when the kids are older and playing sports and you guys are in the bleachers whistling and cheering them on?
If you left each other now, what would happen. You would find other mates that meet your "fantasy" needs for a little while and that would get old and stale too AND you would have to have these non blood related people around YOUR children. Your kids dont deserve that. You guys need to work on your marriage. No matter how many people tell you they are still madly in love with their spouse it's never like it was when you were dating... you are way past that stage now, it's a newer more mature love. You need to respect each other as parents and find some time for yourselves to be "non parents" at least once a month. Get someone to watch the kids and go out and have fun with each other, you will not find what you are really looking for by splitting up your family. You have to find it within yourselves.
Marriage is a very "comfortable" place to be. The dating scene, is a hard place to be.
You guys need to slap each other back into reality, count the blessings you have and work for your future goal and look forward to your 50th wedding anniversary where your kids and your grandkids and maybe even some great grandkids will all be there and proud that you and your husband were "stable" enough to stay married for 50 years, and they will all want to know your secret... Which is patience and wisdom.
Marriage counseling is not fun. It's hard, draining, exhausting, expensive and WORTH EVERY PENNY!!! My husband and I went for 6 months - at first 2 times a week - to the tune of $100 a pop! CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY. But guess what? We didn't get a divorce (which was a total possibility) we learned new ways to communicate with each other that ACTUALLY worked - and ended up realizing we needed to make our love a priority. We renewed our vows last year (been together since I was 17, I'll be 37 (!!) in july) in a very small ceremony with our kids and friends. It was wonderful and I totally felt like a newlywed again. There is hope - I'm not saying everything is perfect - this is life - nothing is perfect - but it's better - and we're happy the majority of the time - and that is really all I can ask for. It sounds like you have a good husband and you've just reached a very bad rut...dedicate some time to climbing out and don't focus so much on running away...good luck!
a slump in regarding one's partner as lover, knight, balladier, hero, studmuffin, is quite normal when you've got tinies and all your focus is on parenting. it sounds as if there's still a strong basis to rebuild a new and better marriage here if you want that.
a good counselor is worth the money and time, even if it's painful financially. it's a lot less pain than divorce, for starters, and whether it puts your relationship back on track or shows you once and for all that it's really over, it's good to have a little professional help in identifying that.
but really.....don't base the success or failure of this marriage on what you're feeling right now. it's really quite normal.
khairete
S.
Could financial stress be a factor in all this? I ask because, while I have an otherwise good, strong marriage, and am so happy to be married to him, finances were sucking the life out of us (for lack of a better term). Between that, and having 4 children under 12, we were just each...tired.
We finally got sick and tired of worrying about money, and listened to advice we had gotten about looking into Dave Ramsey. We got "The Total Money Makeover" audio book and started listening together when possible-My husband also listened every day on his way to and from work until he finished them all. He then listened to it again! We also listened to his radio show whenever we could (sometimes from his website, which is free whether it's live or archived shows).
Anyway, for the 1st time in a long time we were on the same page about $, and had a common goal to change our financial situation, AND an easy step by step way to do it. It brought us so much closer! The whole thing energized us again, and we're happier together because we're happier people to be around. I think we had gotten to the point where we kind of sucked the life out of eachother. If I was having a good day, he was stressed and moody. If he was having a good day, I was the one in a funk.
I hear $ is the #1 reason that people split up. We never were at the point of splitting, but I can definately understand why that is what happens to people sometimes. It makes me sad though, because I know it doesn't have to be that way. I think all marriages have their ups and downs, but if both people are committed, they hang on and work through it.
Working opposite schedules is difficult on a marriage too, I believe. You're often not together to communicate, and good communication is essential for a strong marriage. Also when you're home, you're on your own taking care of 2 small children, and that can be tiring. Is there any possible way to be on the same schedule, and maybe have a family member watch the kids- or even a few different family members who take turns? Some other arrangement? That way, when you're home, you're
together, helping eachother with the kids and making dinner- and eating together as a family and talking about your day, which is, I think, good for each of you. I understand that sometimes that's just not possible- just a thought.
Anyway, I hope this was helpful :)
Here's the link to Dave Ramsey's website:
http://www.daveramsey.com/home/
Best of luck to you, and feel free to PM me if you want.
I haven't read any responses... Marriage is hard and for some it's harder than others. Why did you marry this man, why did you take those vows, where they just words or did you really mean them? Fall in love with him all over again. Start doing little things for him, be the romantic one, he may catch on... Have more sex, I know it's hard with little ones and work, but find time...
Instead of having date night, have family night, were you call all be with each other. Don't you get a joy out of watching him with the children, I know I do. I get mad at my husband too and sometimes when I just sit back see how happy our children are with him, I fall in love with him all over again. My parents divorce when I was 8 years old, but they remarried 3 months after their divorce and from that time one, they changed their life and made everything about family.
I think most married people get mad at each other, get bored with each other, maybe you have changed in who you are, there is all kinds of reasons. Marriage is a lot of work. If you feel you two are good friends, well you should have something to talk about. Don't you talk to your friends about everything. Stop the fight right as it starts, say lets not go there tonight...
You will have ups and downs but in the end you do have each other. Don't give up on Marriage. Take your vows seriously, in the end you will be happy you kept your promise.
I am divorced and it is hard! My relationship with my ex was very much diff from yours while we did have nothing in common there was a TON of resentment lots of misscommunications and no respect. I dreaded him coming home =(
What you have with your husband sounds like something that probably happens at some point in every relationship. If you are friends? and you have children together then u have something to build on..
As for financial hardship regarding seeing a marriage counselor well it's a lot cheaper than divorce!
I think you owe it to yourselves to see a therapist, make time for each other together find something you like to do together outside of the kids. Good luck!
it's all in the attitude......flat-out, the attitude. If you call your relationship "lifeless, lacking in romance" , then that's what it will be!
Try to look at your husband thru the "eyes of love", & you just might be surprised at what you see. The same goes for him.....
As Theresa (a very wise Mom) said - you're at the hump & there is a better life ahead. It takes effort for most couples....& you're not alone in this! Peace!
It sounds like you both have not made your marriage a priority. I am right there with you about how the kids simply become the center of your lives. Get marriage counseling and work on your communication and make date nights. Also seek out advice with other couples who had to get over the hurddle. Marriage takes work and you made your vows for a reason.
It really is very common. You need to find ways to reconnect and to do that you both need to make efforts to find time to spend together alone without the kids. If you can't "find" the time then make the time. Schedule it in. Go on a date that's something you both can enjoy even if it's just dinner and a movie.
When you find yourselves starting to fight, make an effort to calm down and take turns talking. Not just taking turns speaking but also listening. It's easy to talk and make your own points, but it's difficult to listen to the other person and admit when they have good points too. Validate each others points. If you need to remind each other to take turns speaking and listening, have a special place like the kitchen table for discussions. Have an object like a stirring spoon to hold for the person whose turn it is to speak. Set a timer for three minutes to speak, hold the spoon the whole time, and when the timer is up you give the spoon up to the other person and reset the timer. If you don't need the entire time set you can use that time to stay silent and think until it's the other person's turn. You can do this before ever stepping into a counselor's office.
If you can't afford a counselor or your insurance doesn't cover one, you can call around your local churches/synagogues/other even if you're not religious. I would call denominations that offer counseling from pastors/rabbis/other who are allowed to be married and have successful marriages AND are licensed to be therapists. When you attend a session you can let them know if you're interested in including advice from a religious perspective or only secular. Most churches will not charge a fee for this type of service. I'm Catholic and was able to get some marriage counseling with a wonderful Lutheran minister several years ago. We didn't have to pay a dime.
