What a Good Age to Let a Daughter Go Out with Friends in the Eve W/o Parents?

I would say 13 or 14. I was 14 before I was let out by myself and I think it was okay.

It really depends on the kids and what they want to do, though. The movies seem okay to me, because it's a closed in space. If you're worried about her getting into trouble in the parking lot, just have her wait for you in the lobby.

The only suggestion I could offer is you plan on a different movie that starts around the same time as the movie she is going to see. This way, you are still at the movie theater with her but you are not "with her". In regards to the skating rink, if you are worried about her and you know how to skate, strap some on and have a ball. Otherwise grab a book and a booth/table and stay right there.

I didn't read every single response (most of them though) but wanted to tell you about my experience. I am a Girl Scout leader and my girls are 6th grade. I recently found out that one of them had a sleepover party and the girls snuck out and broke into an empty house down the street and another one of my girls (actually both of these girls have quit the troop...but I digress) went to the movies with some of her friends and her sister (who is a year older) and some of the the sisters friends (group of 11, 12 and 13 year olds) and the mom felt that would be okay. When the group was kiced out of the theater (for being told 3 times to quiet down) they ran away from the theater manager and threw buckets of popcorn all over the lobby...etc.

All of that to say that you really don't know what your daughters friends may be like even though you think you know them and their parents. I have known these two girls for 6 years and their moms and I all have the same parenting styles and ideals and these girls are still going behind their parents backs and doing questionable things. I do not think that 11 or 12 year olds (who are trying so hard to fit in) are ready to be left unsupervised because they think to much with their hearts and not their heads.

Good luck on your decision!

I was born and raised in Chicago. My mom wouldn't allow me to go out with my friends on public transportation until I was 16. Even then, the rule was that I had to call her when I got to my destination and I had to call her just before I left. The world is a different place today than it was in 1988. No, we shouldn't live our lives in fear BUT that doesn't mean we should live our lives with blindfolds on either. Yes, even grown women (and men) are abducted, raped and/or killed. So we must do what we have to do to protect our children. Does your "tween" (I'm sorry, I don't know what age a "tween" is) know what to do if a stranger were to approach her? I can tell you living in Chicago, I had men approach me from behind parked cars with their pants down and I was terrified. As a grown woman now, I'd be even more terrified than when it happened when I was 14.

Personally, I believe children need to know what independence feels like little bits of experience at a time. I think allowing a young group of girls to see a movie at 8 P.M. is too late. Why not drop them off during the day and make sure an adult is there to pick them up? I agree, she isn't old enough, especially if she is under the age of 16. I drive my children to school and I pick them up and on the ocassional day that they ride the bus home, I am at the bus stop to pick them up. Of course my children are much younger (all under the age of 10 so I am extra cautious for good reason)

I'm not letting my children date until they are 18 and when I say "date" I mean they won't be allowed to drive in a car with their date until they are 18. I don't see a problem with young boys and girls "hanging out" as long as an adult is home but car dates are off limits until the age of 18. You have to understand that teenagers can be sneeky. They may tell you they are going to the movies but as soon as mom and dad are gone, so are they. My sister is raising two step daughters ages 13 and 15. They are quite creative when it comes to getting what they want. Protect your daughters and use this time to teach them what they should know about the crazy people in our world today and hopefully, they will take what you say to heart and save it for future reference if they need it.

It's good to hear you want to loosen the reins on you own daughter :). At my parents house, it was lights out at 9, sleepy or not.
With my daughters we started around 9 or 10. After getting all the warnings we could think of they would meet with friends at the movies --always an early show, and then we'd take them for pizza and them drive them all home. This way we could see how they behaved without other adults present and meet the parents we didn't know before.
Sometimes another parent would stay at the cinema (God forbid they sit WITH them) but only a couple of times. This way you build up your trust, though I guarantee you will spend those few hours praying anyway. Go ahead, you give her roots but you also start giving her wings.

Hey L.. I have a sixth grade daughter whom I would not allow to go off on her own yet. I believe she is still too young to do that just yet. If she's wanting to go to the movies, why does she specify the exact times? Movies start at different times, so the 8-10 thing is a little weird to set for a movie. If my daughter wanted to go out with friends to the rollar skating rink, I would drive them all there and stay and read a book while they did their thing. If its really about going out with her friends and having fun, she shouldn't mind you going. If she doesn't want you anywhere around or even going with her, then I'd check into her friends and make sure they are good friends for her to have. You can always check with the school, teachers....people in your community....we're talking about your daughter here, so you can't go wrong with being a little overprotective. I'd rather be that than sorry, ya know. good luck! I'll be stressing right along with you!
M.
PS-where do you live?

I only have a one year old son, so take my advice with a grain of salt. But I would not let her go until she is older - in her teens, and then only if she shows she can be responsible in those types of situations. I don't have a teenager, but I have taught high school for ten years. I've heard some of the things that go on when kids are left alone. You are right to be cautious and concerned. I'm sure it's difficult for you to remain firm with her in this regard, but better to be safe than sorry. I konw you can't shelter her forever, but being wary of this type of situation is wise.

it depends on the child...we let ours go at 15 IF she's with a group of friends....3 or more. But she is pretty street smart.

Hi L.,
I am a mother of a teenager (just turned 16) she is also a smart girl. She is in the IB Program at FPC and active in our church. Her first evening out with friends at the movies was in the 8th grade. My problem is not so much her, but the company she may keep. What age is your daughter? If she is under 15 I would be cautous. Not so much because of abductors, but because girls that age want to fit in and can be higly influence by the wrong company. Go with your gut...not with your fears.

M., WAHM of 2 girls 16 and 3.We are from the Bahamas and been in Palm Coast for 5 yrs.

L.,

I would definately wait til she is 16 or older. You have to measure it by her maturity level also.
One thing to consider is that once you give this much freedom, they only want more from there (naturally).
They think at this age that they are mature enough to make all kinds of decisions, but they really are not able to make the "peer" kind of decisions responsibly. There are so many pressures out there and it is soooo hard for them to go against the crowd on something that they shouldn't do.
My suggestion is to do as much as you can with her, allow her to invite friends over (under your supervision), and to use every opportunity available to teach her how to deal with different situations that she may one day find herself in. Give her other options and make it appealing.
A lot of kids are out there in groups b/c their parents just want them out of their hair, but if you see your child as a gift from God, you will treasure that gift and allow her to bloom into a mature young lady before allowing her to be subject to the sometimes brutal nature of "the peer crowd".
Take this time to grow closer to her and spend more time with her as she will soon enough push away from you when it is closer to the time for her to establish her independence.
She is still young enough to where she really needs her mom to be there for her. Once she begins "hanging out" with friends with no supervision, the door is open for doing things that may not comply with your wishes for her.
You are still her mom and she still needs you.
My opinion is that it is too soon to allow her to be unsupervised. Even at 16, it is questionable. There are certain temptations and certain pressures that our kids are just not ready for at a young age. We may have prepared them well with talks and such, but they so desire to fit in and to be accepted in adolescence that they will usually compromise their values in order to do so.
Take Care,
T. (mom of 4)

Hi L.,

I think your solution sounds good. I just wanted to add my 2 cents because I wish mom had "smothered" me. My mom trusted me and on my own I probably would have been fine. I was not a wild-child by any means, but I got dragged along with my "friends" that my parents trusted and I got into so much trouble; trouble that my parents never found out about... And I never ratted on my friends. I didn't feel safe and I am lucky to be alive. Feeling smothered is not the worst thing in the world...

Regards,

M.

Hello L.,
I have Cuban parents and when we were going out the main reason for a chaperone was to avoid being in a conpromising situation (sex). My father was my chaparone, so I didn't go out on to many dates. I would not do that to my daughter either! Times have changed and so have the dangers. I have a 13 year old daughter that is also an honor student and I would NOT drop her off anywhere. I explain to her that it is not a trust issue with her because I know she will make good choices, but it is the rest of the world I worry about. If your gut tells you that it is not good for you and your daughter, then it it is not good. Your job is to raise your daughter according to your standards, not what the other parents allow or don't allow their daughters to do.
I try to give my daughter space and have made an effort to be the cool mom, so I am not overbearing, but I am there!
Good luck and stick to your views!
H.

you will need to let go some time and it would be good if you allow your daughter some time with her friends while you still have control of the drop off and pick up time and place. I have 2 boys ages 11 and 14 and I drop them off at the movies to meet with their friends sometimes. we started off by allowing the outing once per month and have now moved on to every other week. i still dont allow them to get to an outing or home by themselves for the same reasons you state in that it's a dangerous world out there but as long as the movie theater is well lit and there are lots of people around it should be okay to let her go once in a while. just make sure you talk to her about being careful and alert. it sounds like she's a smart girl so i'm sure she'll be ok.

Hi L.!

I can so relate to you! I am cuban too....my parents are both cuban...I was raised in Miami and now live here in Tallahassee. I have two preteens too......twins...11 years old.....I am exactly where you are in my decision making regarding these outings the girls want to go on.....I was raised really conservative....as you can imagine....and I tend to be the same way.......I have to tell you there is no way I would drop the twins off at the movie and pick them up at 10 pm...no way....too many risks....
How old is your daughter???

M. A

I am running in to the same situation with my 12 year old son right now. He doesn't "have a social life". ?!?!?!? He wants to go the movies at night and do stuff with other boys?!?!?! While I don't want him to be a social outcast, I also don't think he has the maturity for it yet.
Does she have the maturity? Do you think she would know how to react in a negative situation? Maybe if you did some role-playing with different types of situations, both of you would feel a little more comfortable giving her a little more freedom. Like you say to her"You come out of the bathroom and all your friends have gone. What do you do?" "A good looking guy who is obviously a little older, is giving you and your friends the eye. He and two of his friends want to take you all to a party. What do you do." Let her answer, and then go over everything, along with your reasonings. I do not know if this will work. We did do this with my son when he wanted to go to the movies with his friends, and we didn't get the answer we liked so he didn't go. (Although being boys, our question was "Bob starts making really loud passing gas noises in the movie; what do you do?' WHen he said "laugh" we knew he wasn't going")
I am right behind you girl, so I will be looking forward to reading these answers!
L.

This is a tough issue for all parents. My advice is you know your child better than anyone. As long as you know her friends, where she will be and at what time she will be home I say let her go on weekends.

Let her know that if curfew is broken she does lose the privlege.

Remember, as much as we want our children to be with us we also need to prepare them to go out in the world.

Good luck

Don't do it! I wasn't allowed out without a parent until I was 14 and no unaccompsnied dates until 16--Trust your instincts--better to be overprotective than grieving!

L.,
I think you have the answer to your question better than anyone else can tell you here. You know your daughter and care for her more than anyone else. You also know that these days it isn't enough how much trust you have in your own child, there are many other things that fit into the equation that may be beyond your or your child's control.

It is difficult being a strict parent when everyone else's parents are much more lenient, but ultimately the decisions you make to protect your child will fall back on no one else but you. Therefore, trust your instincts and allow only that which gives you the greatest inner peace. Don't compromise your gut feelings or values for what others around you may be saying or doing. Remember, this is not about doing things in a socially aceptable manner or trying to gain anyone's approval, but doing that which will ultimately benefit your daughter the most.

You say your parents were overly strict, so you may want to look back and imagine what it would have been like if things had been different for you. Do you think you would have been better off, developed into a wiser more secure person? Or do you think perhaps your parents did the right things? At any rate, remember that things are quite different today than they were when most of us were teens.

Again, trust your deep instincts and make your decisions based on what your inner knower knows. Once you've made up your mind, let nothing or no one dissuade you, and take pride in knowing that you are trying to be the very best Mom your daughter can have.

I agree with Ali. Use your instincts! I have 4 children, three that above the age of 12 and a 4 year old. I did not let my oldest (now 17) be dropped off because he wasn't quite as mature as the kids that did get dropped off. My daughter (now 14) was allowed to go to the movies with a group of friends at 12 and now my 12 year old son can go with only a group. I was also raised in a very strict environment and I don't want my kids to feel smoothered like I did. Use your instincts and pray about it. Good luck!

Hi. I have a daughter that is turning 17 in March. I can only tell you the way we handle this at my house. I came from parents that didn't pay attention. At all. They were older, so we had that generation gap. They basically let me do what I wanted, and come and go as I pleased. Now, I KNOW that it was a much different world back then (I am 43), and I guess we all kinda either follow in our parents footsteps, or do the opposite. I chose to do the opposite. My daughter hangs around with a fairly large group of kids. Some boys, some girls. Most of the time I have them all over my house to hang out on the weekends and over the summer. That way I can keep an eye and ear on what's going on, and I have gotten to know all the kids very well, and their parents also. I try and have all the kids and their parents over a least once a month. I have the parents come to get the kids like an hour or two early, and then we all hang out. It is the best advice I can give. Now the kids are older, but the rules are fairly the same. In 9th and 10th grade, we always had a parent (or more) at the movies with the kids as a chaperone. In 9th grade we sat with them. This past summer we let them sit in the back row, and we sit a few rows ahead. In the summer they all go to the beach, but at least one or two parents stay all day with them. Even now. Hey, they never found Natalie Holloway. Now that they are in 11th grade. They date. But only as a group. We started letting them go to the movies without us this summer, but it has to be a mix of singles and couples. No dates or double dates. We also now let them be dropped off at the mall alone. That also started this summer. My daughter has her learners permit, and I just let her go for a 20 minute drive with one of her friends that has their liscence. She is getting her liscence during this Thanksgiving Break, but won't be driving with ANYONE in her car till the summer. Maybe. Yes, when she goes on field trips with her school to Theme Parks, they are totally left to themselves for hours at a time, but other than that, the rules are as above. I try not to stalk them, but........The most important thing is to get to know the kids that your child hangs with. Get to know their parents. Actually get to like their parents, and communicate communicate communicate. These are the building blocks for later. I know so many parents whos kids dont talk to them. Its sad, and scary. I am sure that many will think I am too much, but as long as my daughter doesn't and her friends don't, then I feel that I am giving enough rope.

I am now also a single Mom with 3 children. My oldest is only 11 but growing too fast. I am very strict with my children.

How about going to the movies with them the first time and see how she does. You don't even have to sit with them. I offered to do that with my sisters 16 year old who had a "first" boyfriend up until recently, she dumped him as she realized she wasn't ready!

I realize that we have to let them off the leash some or they will not learn the "street wise" stuff, if you get my meaning. We all have to experience these fears - it is a part of being a great parent.

God bless you

M. F

You know your daughter best. Do you trust her to be alone with friends? Know she will make good decisions? I think age 12 or 13 (7th grade) is a good age to begin to allow kids the freedom to enjoy time alone with their friends for a few hours. Any younger than that, I would worry. That was the age when I was allowed to go with friends without adult supervision...the mall, the movies and the roller rinks were our hangouts. My parents were not very strict in that regard and wanted me to enjoy time with my friends and have a social life at that age. BUT on the other hand I was only allowed group events or one-on-one with a female friend. I was not allowed to date alone with a boy until I was (gulp) 18! Something that is unheard of these days. But, I had enough freedom in other areas and my parents really were not strict, so I respected that. You have to choose your battles, so even though you don't want to be overly strict, you don't want to lean to far the other way either and leave her without any boundaries.

Hi L., I have somewhat of the same delimma. My daughter is 14 and is in her first year of highschool. She is a very good student and I am still terrified of her being dropped off with friends. One of the ways I became more confortable with her being without adult supervison was getting her a cell phone. It was pre-paid at the time but, knowing that she could call me or I could call her if something came up or plans changes helped me feel a little better. We also had situational conversations so she knew when it was necessary to call. Our house rule was that I always had to meet and talk to the parents of her friends before she was allowed to go anywhere with them. This way I could get to know the parents and their daughters and find out if we had similar parenting styles and what types of things they allowed their children to participate in supervised or unsupervised. My daughter sometimes had friends who's parents gave them a little more freedom than she had which is ok but, my daughter knew my limits. Something you may want to consider is going to the movies with them just not going to the same movie. This way you can get everyone home safely and there is less worry. It is always a balancing act between letting them exercise freedom and keeping them safe and you sane. Just remember sometimes as parents we have to make those difficult choices and either say no or give alternative choices. Although we may not always have the most popular answer for our children their ultimate safety is most important and we live in such a different world these days.Good luck with making these decisions and I hope this helped.

L.,

I can understand your concern because i had a teenager sister, and my mom let her go out when she just turn 13 yrs old!!!... I cant believe it myself. I will sugguest that your teach her a important vlauue lesson about street smart. and tell her the dangerous sign when it come to go place with freind without parents. I can see that most teenager can outmart there parents about where they are going, even they did not go there after they get drop off. I know it too much to know and teach but that is worthy it. I can understand you wanted your daughter to have a great childhood but she will have to really really be alert because it is not like it used to be in back of the day.

So just keep teaching her about street smart and pro and con til she is ready to udnerstnad it then let her go when she is 15 or older it is up to you.

My daughter is not yet two so I'm not dealing with this right now and I might feel differently later. I think if you trust your daughter, you know the friends she's going with and like them too, and the area is not sketchy, two hours on her own is reasonable.
If you just can't bring yourself to do it, buy a ticket and sit as far away from them in the theater as possible and tell your daughter, but let her choose to not tell her friends. Don't stand in line with them and let her be with them for the two hours she's asked for. I think that's reasonable. I think my parents did that when I was twelve or thirteen. Usually it was the 8:00 movie and my mom would either read in the car or go to the mall for the last hour it was open.

I think there is a couple rule of thoughts here. 1) How much do you trust her to make the right decision? 2) Has she had a thorough explaination of sex and all the things that can happen? 3) Does she have access to a cell phone that she can have out with her so you can contact her, or she you, at any time?
My husband and I were talking about this because we have a daughter that just turned 11. Granted she hasn't gotten to the point yours has, but there will come a day. One of the things I will do when it comes that time for her is go with...sort of. Say up at Waterford my hubby and I could sit and have dinner outside Friendly Confines and we would allow our daughter to walk around with her friends for a couple of hours then she would meet back up with us knowing we are close by at all times. We would probably do this a few times before I would feel even remotely comfortable with the idea of leaving she to roam alone. But overall, I'm thinking around 13 I would let her explore a little freedom of that sort, but it would be gradual.
Anyhoo, thats my pennies worth. Good luck!