Transgender Question - I'm in a Pickle

You don't have to be on anyone's side. Empathize with both of them; never say a bad word about either of them to the other; and never pass along anything one has said to you to the other. Just be a shoulder for both to cry on, if that's what they need.

Just tell them you are not qualified to advise them.
They really need to see a professional.
A sex change operation takes a lot of counseling and time.
Changes are not made over night

It sounds as if perhaps Sam wants to talk with you about his decision to change and is seeking your support for that, while Sue wants to talk about how badly hurt she is (and possibly about the fact she might want to leave Sam, is that where this is going?). Is that correct?

If that's the case, it's really the same fundamental issue as with any couple even without the transgender aspect involved: Two halves of a couple are trying to bounce very different perspectives and emotions off the same person, in this case, you.

Being a sounding board for one person is doable. Being a sounding board for both halves in ANY kind of relationship is unwise; it puts you in the middle; it puts you in possession of information about each of them that the other might want to know. And if even if they'd never dream of asking you "What did Sue say about her feelings?" or "What did Sam say about his plans for him and me?" etc. -- you really should not be put into the position where that could even remotely happen.

I think maybe you're somehow worried that if you tell either or both of them that you don't want to be a sounding board, you might be perceived as being anti-transgender by Sam and other friends, or as being mean or cold in Sue's eyes. But please don't worry about those perceptions; YOU know they wouldn't be accurate. You know you're OK with his choice and at the same time you're feeling compassion for Sue.

Just do what you have been doing: "I really do hope this goes well for you, but I have to be honest, Sam, that Sue has also wanted to talk about things, and I am not comfortable being the sounding board for both halves of a couple I really like and value. That's why I'm glad that counseling is part of the plan for your transition, because I'm not qualified to help and I wouldn't want to say things that would hurt either of you." You can say the same to Sue.

You are being sensitive and at the same time recognizing that you should not step in where professionals are needed for both of them. The one thing you might want to tell Sue is that since Sam has to get professional counseling as part of his transition, she, too, should seek out counseling or therapy to help her figure out what happens next for her.

It has to be tough to decide how and when to see them together as a couple if you are not sure how long they will continue to be a couple. But for now, I'd keep inviting them to whatever kinds of things you did with them before Sam shared his news, and let them take the lead on deciding what invitations to accept or reject. Don't cut off contact; just continue treating them as the couple they are, until you hear otherwise from them.

What girl goes into a relationship with a man that she's physically attracted to expecting that one day he *might* open up to tell her that he's really a transgendered woman? And then takes it further to take steps to live as a woman and then go through to become transexual? There ARE some women that can stick it out but from what I've witnessed it usually occurs in a committed marriage and they often have children.

I have one friend who is working it out with her formerly-husband-now-wife. The hardest thing that she's had to get used to is that while she's now married to a woman, she's not a lesbian AND NEITHER IS HER WIFE. She IS still attracted to her wife. The second hardest thing has been dealing with her wife's family over the changes. Their children accepted the changes easily once they figured out what parental name to use because it had to be different than Mom or Mommy.

Sue could be worrying about how her own social circle and family will feel about the changes once they're made public. She's scared about how the changes will affect her personally as well as them as a couple. Sam didn't do this to her, though. Sam trying to fix something that has always probably felt wrong. If Sam is understanding, and Sue feels she can't stick it out, I would hope that Sam could let her go without making Sue feel badly.

For Sam: I think Sam needs to know she won't be rejected, especially by lifelong friends. It would be simple things like using the name Sam chooses and using "she" rather than "he." Being careful and courteous about adjusting your language would mean everything. If you're not sure about something it's ok to ask.

As a couple, they're going to get a lot of scrutiny and it will be like living in a fishbowl. They'll want a zone free of judgment, and maybe they'll want to know that they can talk to you, answer your questions, vent, and not necessarily get any returned well-meaning advice. I think each of them just wants someone to listen. Sometimes that's all support means... listening and being non-judgmental. Even if it's a little uncomfortable at first. But you can also show them that things aren't really going to be different because you can still talk about and do the same things as before.

I'd try to avoid thinking about all of this as "their drama" because you guys are their FRIENDS. That makes them part of your life. They felt you were close enough to them to share this huge momentous news with you. I would feel honored and would treat it like my job to protect and advocate for them. By that I mean stand for them and do what's right when it's needed... simple things. Friends being friends.

I thought Leigh had a lovely answer and it's what I would have suggested myself. I would treat this like any couple who was having a significant shift in their relationship and understand that there will be times you will likely end up giving some 'reflective listening/nonjudgmental answers' (ie- "that sounds very hard for you, I am sorry this is so rough") and there will be times you will lean more into that boundary of "I really think this is something for your counselor. I just don't know how to advise you on this. I'm sorry it's so hard."

By being respectful of each person's feelings without getting too far into their business, you will be doing *enough*.

I also want to say, there are times when couples go through huge transitions and split up-- it's often the case that one or the other of the individuals ends up 'getting the friends'. Try not to have to go there, but sometimes it does just happen. You may find if one or the other of them is having a hard time respecting your boundaries (expecting you to 'side' with them) , pulling away a bit will feel very natural. Try not to let guilt get in the way of making healthy choices for you. Good luck.

Before I met my husband, I was in a relationship with someone transgender. I met him as a male and was with him as she became a "her".

I learned a lot about myself during this time. The simplest truth is as simple as the answer to this question. "What do you love about this person?"

Ask anyone this about their long term partner and I can promise you the answer will not likely be "His/her genitals." We love people (or we should) because of who they are. That doesn't change when the outside does. Apparently this girlfriend hasn't come to realize this or she just can't.

I suggest you ask this question to the girlfriend if she tries to pull you into the situation again. Keep firm on your desire to stay friends with them both and to stay out of their, very personal, business.

Good luck!

Just keep saying you do not have answers for them and they should see a Professional Counselor... to help them deal with it.

DO not involve yourself. You are not a Professional.
They need a Professional.
If anything, they are venting at you... and MAKING you "responsible" for their lives.
Just kindly tell them, you don't know how to help them and they need a professional.
And as a friend, you are directing them get help.

NO layperson, can do it for them.

Just tell them you love them both and appreciate their dilemma, but you don't want to get caught in the middle, and that probably a counselor would be best.

I don't see why anyone's feelings would be hurt over that.

I feel for you, I really do. I personally know someone who went through a sex change and it was a rough time for everyone involved. A friend of my mothers felt like she always identified as a man, and completed his change a few years ago. It was not quick or simple. This person had a husband and young adult children and they all had to go to counseling. Sadly, his story ended in divorce, but sometimes it's for the best. They've both moved on and seem happy. My only advice for you is to encourage counseling, couples and individual for both Sam and Sue. Maybe tell that you love and support them both, but this is something they need professional help with. Good luck to everyone. :)

My understanding is that sex change operations are not performed until at least 1 year of counseling. Generally if someone is that serious about it, I think it is preceded by some amount of time on hormones to induce the look of other sex. I would invite them both over for the usual couple get together and state what you said above. I can tell you this: my husband worked for a company where a man was going through this and was initially allowed to dress as a woman every Friday but it got too confusing for people so then 'he' had to choose to dress every day as a man or woman and he chose to dress as a woman every day. So I would tell your friends that you are fine with whatever they choose but that the transgender issue is something they will have to work out without your family's involvement.

Sam may have been struggling with these feelings her whole life. So what seems sudden to you may be years in the making to her. I would tell Sam that I don't know what to say or how to counsel her. I would start to refer to her as "her" and try to be understanding of the situation. Sam may find that she loses friends, or even her job. That if she takes another job, she may not make as much money, and the transition can be difficult. I have two transgendered friends and a trans cousin. I would try to support her through whatever other changes come her way - job, housing, friends...

Sue understandably feels hurt and she will have her own feelings to process. She may find it helpful to talk to spouses of people who have been through the transition. Not all spouses stay, either. One of my friends is divorced and her exwife tried to bar her from visitation of their child, based on her transition. Other people can remain friends. I would direct her to resources for people who have been in this situation.

I think the biggest thing is, just like finding out that your spouse is gay, is that it's not all about you. It's not something you did or didn't do right/wrong. Remind Sue about that. One of my dear friends divorced a man who later came out as gay and she was hurt, but wanted him to live an authentic life...she later went on to remarry and have a family. She was "duped" because he was trying so hard to deny his true self. It wasn't that she was a bad person at all. And, really, neither was he.

I would tell them that you want to remain friends with them both and just like any problem or breakup, you are not comfortable being in the middle, same as you might without any other complications.

I am glad to hear that you are cool with Sam's issues just don't want to be pulled in. That is all good, you have appropriate boundaries. So, gently kindly, say so. Remind them that you are not qualified to advise either of them on how to make their choices or how to live with them, that you will support them both with whatever decision they make, they are welcome in your life or and your home and move on to the topic of the day or out the door, which ever actually works for you.

Good luck

whew! talk about the scylla and charibdes!
i think you just have to be sweetly direct. 'sam, i think you are marvelously brave and honest. dh and i are always here for you. but since i'm also sue's friend, i'm going to give you a hug and back out of this discussion. just know that i'm really glad you're in my life.'
khairete
S.

I know 2 women who were born male and became female. I do not know them well but I accept them as they are. I support their decision even if I do not understand it.
I think the realization that one is gay is difficult and even more difficult to tell friends and family members; but the realizaton that one is a transgender is even more difficult.
When we have a child we start to think about their future on our terms, not always theirs. We imagine our little girls all dressed up pretty and doing girly things and our boys handsome doing boy things. Then reality hits and our little girl only wants jeans and tee shirts and our little boys like pink. We think wow I messed up somewhere. ---- Ummm no, didn't mess up they are just being who they are supposed to be and we only have to accept them as they are and be thankful they are a part of our lives.
When we meet people who are vastly different than we are used to we can do one of two things:
1) enjoy them for who they are
or
2) stop seeing them

I choose 2.

ETA:
WOW, I wasn't thinking when I answered this one. I meant to say I choose 1, I accept people as they are. I guess my brain is soggy -- I've been fighting a sinus infection for quite awhile now.

I am dealing with this currently with two friends who are divorcing. I am a friend to each, and each of them speaks to me confidentially. It's not easy to stand back and watch without inserting my "knowledge", but sometimes I have to keep the calls short. In order for me to keep my distance and keep a handle on my time, I will use texting or instant messaging to communicate, instead of a voice call.

It can be difficult not to get sucked in, but you just have to create some boundaries for yourself based on what you know your needs are. There was a period when the guy was calling me every day and wanting to talk extensively. I understood his need to feel heard, but I also didn't have time (at work) and didn't want their issues to take over my life and didn't want him to get too used to leaning on me. After a couple of days, I shortened the calls significantly and then stopped answerign them via voice. I also "tagged" my husband in so he could carry some of that weight. (As much as I do not believe that he would want me sexually or romantically, the perfect storm of desperation and loneliness and hurt and confusion and shock, etc., can make people behave outside their standard behaviors. I had to stay clear about my role and my family and the lines that separated everything going on in my life.

I don't envy you the situation you are in.

If it were me? I think I would tell them that I care for them both and want to be there for them, but can't give "advice" on what to do and suggest they talk to a counselor.

In regards to Sam, is it possible it feels fast to you because he just said it and things are now moving? I believe that it takes several years for a sex change to take place and he might be in the acknowledgement stage.

I don't know how I would feel if I were Sue. It would be a confusing time.

I don't think you are in an impossible situation, I just think it's going to be tough. Let them know that you are willing to be their sounding board, but you are not going to give advice on what to do!