Should I Let Him Have 50-50? - Clarksville,TN

I work for a family law attorney. I am NOT an attorney. The first thing you need to do is stop talking to him and hire an attorney. Your attorney will make all contact with him or his attorney should he hire one.

Second, establish paternity. Down the road, when this child is nothing more than an inconvenience to him, he may try to pull the "I'm not the father" routine.

Most courts do not award "custody" to one parent anymore. In most cases, it's joint custody with one parent being the primary residential custodian. It's also not called visitation any more, it's parenting time. Be prepared for the Courts to give the father a significant amount of parenting time - probably not 50/50 with his deployment schedule, but you will probably be ordered to work around his deployment schedule.

If you and your attorney truely feel he is a bad influence, take every documented thing you can to court, but be prepared for a fight. Sometimes that is necessary to protect the child.

Take your proof and go to court. Becoming a father does not make someone more mature if they aren't already. If you wouldn't consider letting someone like him babysit then you shouldn't let him keep the baby just because he's the father. Get your family to go to court with you to show that they support you.

First, find a different attorney, next take it to court. If his CO is willing to falsify records that is not good. They should be able to request his records to show the actual dates is deployed. The drinking most probably won't lessen after the baby. In some cases it increases because of the stress of caring for the baby. You must be this childs advocate. You are the mother and need to look out for his/her best interest. You also need to document all activity, good and bad on his part as well as watching what you do. He could be planning on trying to get full custody of the child. Make sure that you are not engaging in activities that could come back to haunt you. Make sure you keep all prenatal visits, if you must miss one reschedule as soon as possible. Follow dr. advice, etc...
Keep praying that you can live a civil parenting bond with the father of your child. Your lives will be woven together because of the child. God Bless!

There's no reason to think that he will grow up when the baby comes. His friends with kids haven't grown up. You can tell a lot about a person by the company he keeps (his friends). I am so sad for this innocent baby that you are bringing into this situation. You will always worry about how he is caring for the baby/child when he/she is with him, and with good reason. Here where I live (Camp Lejeune) a couple's baby's toes were gnawed off by a pit bull puppy they had in the house. Things happen, and you wouldn't have any control when the child would be with him. This baby would be so much better off if you let a stable couple adopt him. You could talk your ex into it because he wouldn't have to pay child support or any of that, or be "tied down".

Were you married to him? It sound like a break up, like only dating? Show the video of them with guns and tell them you fear for the childs safety. Use legal aid. They are free and fight for the childs best interest. He is not a father, it sounds like he is a punk that likes the trump card, the child. If he wants to be a part of the childs life, he needs to step up to bat and become a man. Being a soldier, does not make a father, or even a real man. Sometimes, it makes a bully. The only one getting ahead here, is the lawyer. So sorry for what this child is going thru. If he truly loves the child, he will quit this battle and think of him. If he could get God in his life, all would be better, but... that is his decision. Good luck and God bless.

Obviously, you have said way too much allready. Get a good new attorney, and keep your mouth shut about everything to him.(boyfriend). Get your photos and anything else you have together for your lawyer. I don't know how old baby is, but once you are 3 hrs away, make sure that until this child is about 7, he gets him minimally.

First, and most important, get another attorney and DON'T tell him who or when it is.
Second, make sure all your ducks are in a roll. Any and all picture, audio, letters etc. that support your claims.
Third, before you go make sure you are dressed properly and your anger is checked outside. (an angry client always comes off as vendictive and not concerned).
Forth, and most important, ask and fight for supervised visitation on his part until he can prove to the courts that he can and will be a responsible father.
Also, I can't believe that his commander would put himself in a position that could cost him his career. I'd mention that also along with the back-door antics he and your other attorney played.
Good luck and God bless you and your little one

If your lawyers office was willing to do that, then you're better off finding a new lawyer. Make sure you ask around and find a GOOD one. Most of them are NOT good. You really need to have full custody, with him having visitation, since like you said he will not be home alot AND because he obviously is not mature enough to take care of a child on his own. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, worry about your child. Good luck and God bless.

No, I don't think you should. If you are unmarried he doesn't automatically get 50/50 custody. You have sole custody. He wants you to agree outside of court because he knows he wouldn't get it anyway. If you sign anything or let him record you doubting yourself as a caretaker of your child or offering him 50/50 he'll use it against you to say You agreed and now that you are, mad or he was met someone else you are trying to use the child to hurt him. Basically the more time he spends with his child the least amount of child support would be asked of him by the courts. I have an ex-husband that plays this game. We had joint physical custody on paper but I had our children 85% of the time. When I moved 90 minutes away he played concerned active Dad so he could have primary custody and get me to pay child support to him. Be careful and do not tell him your decisions or next moves. He's no longer your best friend trying to help you. I'll be praying for you.

NO WAY. Trust yourself and your instincts. It sounds like he needs supervised visitation even. He is probably just bluffing anyway.

You seem like you are worried about hurting this guys feelings when he clearly disregards anything about you. Please base ALL of your decisions on what is best for YOU & The Baby.

It is probably best to get this settled in court, but prepare for it to get ugly. He will not play "fair" nor will the lawyer.

You are in for a hard road, but getting away from him will be worth the effort. The more control you give to him the harder your life is going to be.

Hang in there Sweetie, keep reminding yourself how important it is.

P.

Get an ethical lawyer and tell them what the other lawyers office did. Retain full custody, with liberal visitation if you want, but I bet that eventually he will see less and less of the baby as it will interfear with his fun. After he changes a few diapers, deals with a screaming baby for hours without help (I hope for your sake there will be no colic), and has to clean up projectile vomit, he may start 'forgeting' to call for visitation.
If the military does things the same as they used to, he will recieve different pay when the child is born. He may use the military as a power play, but remember this- the military does not put up with its members breaking rules, laws etc. so if he ever does not pay child support, he can be in trouble with much more than the law! I used to teach on an airforce base and if you couldn't get the parent to handle their child (sending notes back signed, showing up for conferences, etc) the commanding officer took over and there was hell to pay. (and sometimes a pay cut until the parent got things "in gear".
Courts look at WAY more than income. If income were the case my Dad would have had us instead of Mom. (Mom didn't even work at the time and was going back to school). His deployment, lifestyle, etc. will play into it more than anything. Even if you are living with friends or family until you get your own place, that can play in your favor. (there will be at least two responsible adults in the dwelling, as opposed to one party animal.(How did a church going good girl get mixed up with him anyway?)
Oh, and like Stephanie says--get the court documents, DO NOT do this out of court! It may go well at first, but everytime there is a disagreement there will be times you wonder if he is going to keep the baby from you to get 'back' at you. This could be devistating for you!
Good luck, God Bless and stay close to the church family as they will be there for you when you need them most!
Beth

If you are in the Murfreesboro area, I would recommend that you make an appointment with Sonya Henderson. Her telephone number is ###-###-####. I used to work for a lawyer in her same building and she is amazing. She is passionate about what she does and is not afraid to fight.

I have not read all the responses, but wanted to give you a quick thought....if you go 50-50 then he is not obligated to pay as much child support. Since you will be the primary caregiver in either situation, you will likely need the extra financial help. When in doubt - always get it done legally. It will be harder up front, but much easier in the long run. Sounds like you are going the right path - good luck to you and your child.

Your are going to get tons of emails on this one, especially from some of us more mature and experienced moms.

You are right you have no idea of what you are in for. Once your baby is born your world is going to be turned upside down in a way that is such a blessing. You are going to be totally amazed at what came from your body and more in love than you will ever know again.

It sounds as though you are on the right track and are sensible. Please stay on that track. This man is trying to undermind you, trying to make you feel as if you have no control and sabbatoge your new life. Don't be powerless and don't let him determine the rest of your and your childs life.

You have no other choice than to get a lawyer. From what you have said he is not reasonable. Do it right from the start. Do not put yourself through several years of hell, because guess what.... you are going to end up with a lawyer anyway.

You will soon be in for many scary, lonely and frustrating nights with very little sleep. You are going to feel like a zombie for several months and will not be able to clearly see what's going on or feel as though you are able to deal with it because of lack of sleep.

Start your new life out right, get a lawyer and get some boundries set now. Find out what your rights are and what his rights are.

I fear for your child if he is left with his father (child) although I have a feeling just one night with a crying baby and his dreams of 50 / 50 custody will come to an end.

This should be the happiest and most exciting event in your life. You have so much to look forward to. Good luck to you. Now go get a lawyer!!!

So much immaturity going on. No you should let him have 50/50. The judge will decide that. As far as how often he gets deployed, I would assume your attorney can find proof of the past and how much he is gone. I would not worry about that, don't even talk to him about it anymore b/c unless you are willing to just sign your baby over for 50/50, it isn't going to happen unless the judge feels it should. You need to get an attorney, don't tell him about it, get a job, then move. Or move, then get a job if you can rely on his income until you are actually divorced. Unless you are not married, don't remember reading that part...either way, you will get child support and there will be a way to work out visitation while he is in town. I would not put so much into what this guys says, just take care of your child, go to church, get a job, get a divorce. Stop taking what he says so seriously, he sounds like a kid and not so mature. Start a notebook and take notes on everything he says and does...including his friends and the drinking habits, etc You will need as much info as possible. Good luck!

Kashonda, it sounds like you thought he was great when you met, but you have grown and matured. He apparently hasn't. Find yourself a new lawyer, one that is very trustworthy, like the first one wasn't. That was very unprofessional and unethical of them! And make sure you have FULL custody. You can have full custody, and still grant the dad visiting rights, you know. You can specify once a month or whatever; the lawyer will help you with that. If you feel the man is a danger to your child, (as I do!!!), you may require him to have supervised visitation, as well.
God bless you. Keep praying and being faithful. It's all good.

Drop him like a hot rock. Take care of you and the baby. If you have proof of the dangerous drunken behavior, you should be able to get whatever custody arrangement that you want. Move in with a family member until you get a job. Your boyfriend will not change in the timeline that you desire. You cannot count on anyone changing therefore control the only part of this equation that you can - that means you. Leaving a baby with him sounds dangerous, let him come to you to see the baby. Take back your nursery stuff to provide at your house.

Document everything that goes on between the two of you. Let it go to court. Get you own attorney but dont tell him who it is. Let your attorney handle everything. Do not make any deals with him outside of court unless your attorney is present. As to the custody of your child, you may both have to sit down with a mediator and discuss what will be in the childs best interest. The judge can order this mediation.

As to leaving things behind for him. I wouldnt. If you have them it shows that youre being responsible in preparing for your childs arrival. If and when he has your child, then it is his responsibility to provide "every thing the child needs" and yours while the child is with you. If you leave things from the beginning for your child with him he will expect more and more from you for your child down the line.

When you go to court show that you have a responsible babysitter for your child while working.

My daughter went through all this a couple years ago when she got divorced except she wasnt expecting. She had 2 small boys. If you have any feel free to mail me though here. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. You have been given some good advice here.

Being an ex-military spouse, and having a friend who's mil fighting custody with her mil husband, I highly doubt your ex will get custody. Courts tend to favor stable environments for children, and single military personell aren't it. Even if he weren't in a deployable unit, he could still be sent overseas at anytime. Also, if you fight for custody in a military town, the judges have seen this a thousand times and know the deal. It's not necesarily about who makes more; it's about who the stable, primary care giver is.

Speaking of money, remember your ex will have to pay child support, so if he wants to flaunt he makes more money, fine, more child support for you. And after every promotion he gets. My friend's ex is talking about going officer, bragging about it to her. She's fine with that becuase it just means more child support for her kids. If he tries not to pay child support you can report him to his command as well as take him to court. He'd get in trouble with both.

Whatever you do, make sure you have a good lawyer who's going to fight for you. Remember to plan your future for what's best for you, becuase what's best for you will ultimatly be what's best for you child.

Good luck!
A.

Call another attorney ASAP. Do you have money for a retainer? You may need to ask family for help. Stop talking to him/telling him what you're doing. If you are afraid of him, leave immediately and go stay with family. If he is in the Army (may be the same for other branches, not sure) then you need to call the Family Advocacy Center and make an appointment. Tell them everything. They can help, and will talk to his command about these problems. The military has the more power over him than local courts. Orders from a judge are just words, a restraining order is just a piece of paper. The important thing is making sure you are safe. Document and save everything.

Best wishes to you and your baby.

(I recently went through a custody case trying to get custody of my nephew whom his mother was killed)I would find another lawyer if possible because they are suppose to take down your name and appt time and his name and the matter to be talked about and just making an appointment for you should have been a conflict of interest and they should NOT have talked to him or had him come into the office another lawyer in their firm cannot talk to him or represent him again that's conflict of interest.The lawyer(s) were wrong and most of the time in custody cases a lawyer will not meet with/talk to both parties that also is conflict of interest. the lawyer stating he didnt say anything to them that would cause a conflict is a liar as once they talk to one side they CANNOT talk to the other party(you) or even tell you what was /wasnt said by your ex or even represent you. All the lawyers in that firm have to go through one another to MAKE sure there will be no conflict of interest .call legal aid if you cannot afford one and see if they can help.But I would definitely get a lawyer as him being the father he can just take that child anytime he wants and leave with the child if the courts are not involved since he is the father he has just as many rights as you do and you will have to prove him unfit/immature and not reliable.The military also will not lie as to how many times a year he is deployed ,he is trying to scare you.It doesn't matter how much he makes that doesnt have much to do with custodial rights they go by how long the child has been with you,who does the majority of the care giving,(feeding,bathing,dressing,etc)and whats in the best interest of the child. you need to explain to the lawyer all he has said to you, his behaviors,his drinking,his jealously,how he belittles you and puts you down. Tell them EVERYTHING dont leave anything out. also write down the times and days of when he contacts you or comes to see you and treats you badly or starts an argument.etc they will want to know when these things occur(my other sister just went through this last month)As for child support they will see what he is making and if you go through court to get it they will attach his wages where it will come out of his payments and be sent to you.I say just move where you're moving to and get a lawyer where you will be living. instead of commuting 3 hours and that way here you will be able to go to court (if there is one in that town)close to the town you live in as most courts recommend that you file in the town you/child lived in at least 6 months of the year.showing them you have a family you are close to might help also since he doesn't have anything to do with his family you also need a lawyer to check into his background(he might have a checkered past) there might be a good reason why he doesn't see them.But I would move closer to your family and get a lawyer there as this lawyer you are talking to is trying to screw you royally, they have lied to you and they cannot represent you since they have already spoken to him.Do not tell him what lawyer you have if you get another one as he will find out once the lawyer sends him paperwork stating they are representing you and then he cannot go behind your back and talk to them.find all the proof you can and prove that you can provide a loving,stable home for your child and DEFINITELY get a DNA test once the baby is born as that will prove to the courts it is his child and he WILL have to pay child support and you DO NOT have to put his name on the birth certificate which I honestly would not do until DNA proves otherwise(Im not saying its not his child)once you let him sign the birth certificate/paternity affidavit(since you two arent married) then he has rights to the child and again like I said if you let him have the child whenever he wants without court legally he can take that child and flee the country if he wants and there will be nothing you can do.If no name is on the BC/affidavit He cannot legally do anything until he proves by DNA he is the childs father. SO GO TO COURT to protect yourself and your child.Get a different lawyer. And don't tell you ex anything. you can tell him about your appts with doctors or things like that but anything else I wouldn't say jack to him,Also let a lawyer know if he goes to your Dr's appts with you or not that also can help your case if he doesn't(if he has time and just refuses to)

First of all can you get a copy of his current LES? Personal note I'm supprsed he didn't go to JAG? You may want to take your attorney to JAG with his LES and the military will come up with childsupport. They are over the civilain courts so what ever they come up with is in stone! They are more for the child too. You need to get in touch with the board of Attorney to put in a complaint against his attorney. That was not proper. Did you explain anything about the situation to them? If so than they might not be able to repersent him anyway! talk to the board of attornies first to see what the law or rules are for that.
Nine times out of ten the mother is going to be the custidal parent anyway unless he can prove you unfit.
He has rights so you can't keep him away from his child. If he drinks in his own home you can't do anything about it sorry. I tried that too but the judge just said that I can't do anything about it. But my attorney said that if he shows that he is intoxicated when he comes to pick up the baby than I have the right not give him the baby. As a parent it is your responsablity to make sure the baby is safe at that time. You may need to call the cops too if he insists that he isn't so be prepaired. The cops will have to write up a report to verify your decision. But if they don't agree you will have to let him have the baby but I would take names and bage numbers just incase something happens (God forbid)you can take action against them. You can show pictures of them with guns but it doesn't prove much only that they are acting silly. If you want you can call me and I will take you thru what I went thru but I wont post on here to give them amo. email me and I will give you my phone number and we can talk about my experience with pretty much the same situation ____@____.com I'm also military so I can also give you some information about that too.

I do not recommend settling out of court. In the long run it will be in the child's best interest to make sure that you have documentation explicitly spelling out each parents agreed upon responsibilities. If you have concerns about his ability to be a responsible parent - bring it to the court's attention and have proof to back it up. Maybe he will mature some day - but until that time - the baby will be better off with limited, supervised visitation. Unfortunately, I know of a young woman who did not have a custody agreement drawn up in court when her and her child's father went their separate ways. In the beginning the child went back and forth. Now the father has decided he wants the child and does not want her involved. He took the child and she has not seen the child in several weeks. The police told her they cannot intervene because legally the father has not done anything wrong. She has had to hire an attorney and is really having a difficult time emotionally. Go to court first! That way if he pulls something like this you can go to the police and show that he is in violation of the court order and they can help you resolve any issues you have quickly.