Please the Bickering Must Stop!

I learned a little saying from my son's first grade teacher: "If it becomes a problem for you or someone else, it goes away." I have no idea why this simple statement works, but it does shape my 4- and 6-yo up FAST. If they don't shape up, the toy they are bickering over disappears. It could be a drink, a piece of clothing, a rock...whatever. They like to fight. But this statement seems to clear it up.

Also, I physically separate mine with a baby gate if I cannot get any peace. This usually upsets them. As if they can't live without the bickering and being on top of each other! But it brings peace to me, and that's the important thing some days!

Good luck -

M. - I have two boys (ages 3 and 6) and they can get into this FUNK where they are bickering over EVERYTHING!! It is enough to drive me batty.
Here's what I do.....If (when) they start fighting with each other, I seperate them both into their own rooms, doors closed, for 5 minutes. They come out and start to bicker again, back to their rooms!
Of course I do the talking with them, (This is your brother, he loves you, if you have an issue you need to come and talk with me to help you resolve it..yada yada) BUT, sometimes talking just doesn't get it done, and they need to be seperated from each other.
I am in your position WAY more often than I want to be, but that is what I have been doing lately, and it's been working for me! Good Luck, L.

Are you familiar with defining boundaries? A part of defining boundaries is to decide what you will and will not accept. You are the mother and have the final say in what your kids will be allowed to do and what the consequence will be if they are not following your rules.

In this case, it's quite fair to seperate the kids. Separation is a natural consequence of not getting along. They can come back out when they decide to get along. You'll need to tell them specifically what you expect from them and give them options. For example: share toys, play with different toys, play apart. It will help if you can give each child something different to do once they come out of their rooms, corners, where ever you've put them so that they cannot see each other.

Or you can give them a specific amount of time to be seperated. 5 minutes sounds like a good amount of time for this age.

They will test you to see if you really mean what you say which means that at first you will have to pay close attention to what is going on.

Some times you'll want to send just one child to his/her room. For example if the 4 yo insists on helping the 2 yo who does't want to be helped you could send just the 4 yo to her room or even to another part of the house to do something else. Being separated does not mean that they can't do something else. The goal is to stop the bickering.

If you're like me you may be spending too much time trying to teach them how to get along. At this age, short simple requests work best. For example: brother is playing with that toy now. You find a different toy. Or vice versa.

When both are fighting over the same toy you can also take the toy away and put it up. Then both will find different toys. If they fight over the next toy, put that one up.

Because he 4 yo understands more than the 2 yo and probably has learned some social skills at school you can talk differently with each one about your expectations (rules) and the consequences that you will give them each time. When both are bickering be sure to give them both the same consequence. If you don't they'll have another cause for bickering.

Whatever you do, do not become a part of the bickering by yelling at them. Separate them before you get emotionally involved.

You could also have a boundary rule that requires the 4 yo to stay away from the 2 yo when she first gets home. Since you've been with the 2 yo already, I suggest you spend some time with just the 4 yo after school.

It is definately fair to separate them. It is fair to require that they play in different rooms or areas of the house. Once you are able to remain calm the situation is very matter of fact. "We do not fight over toys. In this house we share. If you can't share then I'm putting the toy up." another example; "If you can't play nicely with each other then you'll need to play separately." Then comes the tricky part. Follow up. Be sure to take the toy or to separate them immediately when they continue to fight.

I'm assuming that you've already tried teaching them how to share. I've found that frequently I can suggest a different toy or a different way of playing that will help them get past the "I want it! You can't have it stage."

This is not easy to do. First you have to be confident that you are in charge and that you have the right to have peace. They also have the right to have peace.

Kids bicker. You can't prevent it but you can reduce it by having definite boundaries (rules) that you consistently enforce.

They will also behave better if you're able to spend time with them showing them that each of them is important to you. Modeling for them how to treat another person with respect. You could role play sharing at a time that they aren't bickering.

You have my sympathy. My grandchildren frequently get into it with each other. The oldest does want to "help" the youngest. Actually I'd call it boss the youngest. There are built in dynamics related to birth order.

I dread driving with both of them in the same car. Circumstances gave me help. I had to buy a new car and chose a SUV for a variety of reasons. One of them was that they could sit in two different rows. That has helped.

I have had times when I've been at their house "baby sitting" when I've caught myself saying over and over in an increasingly more frustrated tone to "stop it." That just doesn't work. I have to follow up my demand with a consequence when they don't stop. Separating them seems to me to be a logical way to handle it.

Once you've been able to get the bickering under some semblence of control you can then work on any issues that cause the bickering such as it's usual for the older to boss the younger one around. With understanding and practice you may be able to reduce some of that bossiness.

With my grandchildren, it's obvious that they are jealous of each other. I have to be careful to give both of them attention while I'm with them. And to listen to each one's complaints about the other. I just listen. I don't try to change their minds. I feel successful in my efforts perhaps 60-70% of the time.

Both my daugher and I rely on separating them before we get so frustrated that we become part of the bickering. When I'm busy with something else or feeling overwhelmed I don't try to do anything but to keep them separated.

My two often bicker. I've learned that having the older one help out with things often works to diffuse the bickering. They are home with one another all day in our case so from the time they get up I often have different things for them to do, even alongside each other but different nonetheless. I often let the older one do something alone the younger one cannot on his own. Empowerment and a sense of usefulness helps children out greatly from what I've seen. Good luck.

Hey M. -

I don't know if this will help or not (you've already gotten some great advice), but I used to watch my nephews when they were young and here are some things I did:

1. I had them each claim which toy was theirs. We would put all of Jack's toys in his toy bin and all of Thomas' toys in his toy bin. I wrote their names on the bins. If they started bickering over a toy, I would ask, "whose toy is it?" If it was Jack's toy, Jack got it; if it was Thomas' toy, Thomas got it.

I got this idea from a book - it talked about how adults don't like others taking their stuff and they aren't expected to share everything they own. But we ask this of children and then get really upset when they don't comply.

So, let them have ownership of their toys. If they want to share, they can. If they don't want to share, they don't have to.

2. I would let the bickering go for awhile without interfering - my one absolute rule (which I told both of them) was that there could be NO physical violence - no pushing, hitting, shoving. If that started, both boys would be separated and put in time-out.

FYI - when I started this, I would try to figure out who was the instigator. But that got too complicated and invited too many "he started it." "No, he started it." So, I told them that if I saw/heard them physically fighting or if one of them told me they were physically fighting, they would both be in time-out.

3. I got them involved in helping me around the house. I would make them lunch, clean up after lunch and sometimes do laundry for my brother and SIL. I would give them "jobs" to do and then compliment them like crazy.

4. As much as possible, I would get those kids outside!! They were both high, high energy and I would have them run in circles, jump, roll around. Believe me, I was exhausted when my bro and SIL came home - but I was also in the best shape of my life : ) And the boys were definitely calmer when they came back in.

5. I would sometimes make up stories about two brothers with the same names as my nephews and how they helped each other. I would also tell stories about how my brother (their daddy) had helped me. I was trying to get them to see how important they could be for each other. They are now 9 and 11 and they still talk to me about those stories.

That's all I can remember right now!!

As you know, the bickering, competing over everything, and not wanting to share are really normal. You're definitely not alone!!!

I have a two year old boy that thinks he is an only child and LOVES to hear his sister scream and cry... and a boosy, controlling 7 year old girl who thinks she needs to mother her brother 24/7, needs to always show off, and always wants what her brother has. Sounds like your two, but my girl is a little older.

I DO NOT get into it unless they are physical with each other. I have ABSOLUTELY no tolerance for physical fighting, so it almost never happens. When they fight, I tell them to figure it out between themselves. I tell them that if I have to get involved, then whatever they are playing with or fighting over will disappear. I pay enough attention to make sure that one is not routinely taken advantage of, but other than that, I stay out of it. When they start bickering, I tell them that they have 5 seconds to work it out and then I slowly start counting backward from 5. I only had to take away toys twice before they took me seriously and now both will bend over backwards to work it out. They quickly start compromising, assigning turns, and sometimes just giving up. Sometimes the solution is not fair to one or the other, but they choose it. I also frequently explain to my daughter that her brother learns how to treat her by watching how she treats him. She is then careful not to treat him in a way she doesn't want reciprocated. I do still remind them of things that are absolutely not allowed in my house... yelling at each other, hitting, name-calling, etc.

You have to choose whether you want to referee every dispute or whether you want to just step back and teach them to work it out on their own.

I hear you!!!! I have 2 boys 6 & 9 and the fight for alpha male rages ALL the time. I go between separating them to making them sit on the couch holding hands until they make up....favorite toys get put away, extra chores added, etc. I also call dh and give him a heads up...or a request for a bottle of wine!

M.,

First off, let me say that it is completely reasonable for the kids to be sent to play quietly in separate spaces each day at a given time. It is a sanity break most parents find necessary.

From my observations as a nanny, it seems as though children who are off at school for part of the day are usually needing some downtime when they come home from their time away. At school, they are often pushed to function/interact with others at a higher level than they have to at home; some of that pressure may be purely environmental (the complaint many parents have regarding their child minding teachers more than they do their own parents has a lot to do with how secure our kids feel in pushing the limits with us, whereas they aren't so comfortable doing this with teachers/caregivers) as well as a bit of pressure to function at a certain level within their peer group. You don't mention how long your eldest has been going to school, but it is a fun and challenging time for your girl. Please keep this in mind when you are planning how you might like to help her transition to home after school. Most children I have cared for need some unscheduled (no activity planned) time alone after school and get pretty cranky when this doesn't happen.

I'd also like to say that it's appropriate for there to be boundaries for everyone's sake: your son needs boundaries regarding his being able to continue whatever he's playing with; your daughter need boundaries regarding what is going to be tolerated in regard to her arguing/whining and how she can communicate with you. You need boundaries in regard to what you feel like you want to mediate/get pulled into, and what you need to have them go figure out on their own.

All this said, I have no quick-fixes (because there's truly no such thing as a quick fix...more like practices that we apply over time that hopefully affect change!:)) but here are two books: Siblings Without Rivalry by Mazlish and Faber and Taking Charge by Joanne Nordling. Neither of these books is an end-all-be-all, but there are a lot of good tools.

One more thing, when your daughter starts to bicker with you about your laying down the law or a decision she doesn't like, one thing that's worked for me is to make my position clear. "I see that you keep asking me about this. I've already told you my answer and I'm not going to change my mind. I'm all done talking about this, so if you keep asking me, I'm not going to answer any more." This may take a lot of times to prove you are consistent about this, but really, it's worth it not to get sucked into an all-afternoon back and forth. "I'm done discussing it." is all you need to say afterwards. Eventually, they children either move on or are asked to go to their rooms (if a tantrum emerges). We can't control them, but we can control our responses and how much we choose to get pulled into their dramas.

Sorry this is so long, but I hope you can find something useful in all of this. My best wishes for some peaceful afternoons for you. Take heart--your's is not the only family dealing with this!

If separating them motivates them to play nicely so that they aren't alone, it can be a good response. Make them play separately for like 10 minutes and then say would you like to be together? Can you play NICELY? Okay, I will give you another chance, but if ... then I will have to separate you again.
Another thing I did it MODEL for my older child having a SERVANT-LIKE attitude toward the younger. Instead of them thinking, me, me, me I want I want I want, I said in this family, we SERVE each other. So if he was grabby and self-centered, I wouldn't just try to make things FAIR, I would have him think of how to DEFER to the other person. How can you SERVE your sister? What nice thing can you do right now to make her happy? Sometimes I would say, by the end of the day, I want you to do 12 helpful, serving things for your sister. This could be: share toys, pick up something, help wash hands, say a compliment. I know I did this when he was 5; 4 might be a little young but it's something for the future.
I think the only solution to self-centeredness is other-centeredness. A lot of times kids don't know that there is any other option than me,me,me.

get the Parenting with Love and Logic books or tapes at your library or Amazon (or their web site). You'll be amazed at how quickly this problem will end. Lots of great stories from parents that tried all the techniques. And they keep on working into the teen years.

Simple solution:

Have two of everything.

I am a preschool teacher, it works.

Check out the book Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too
by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. They have also written an awesome book entitled How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.

I run a daycare so I have faced this challenge head on and really sought out solutions. The best advice I could ever give you is to buy the book Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too (Paperback)
by Adele Faber (Author), Elaine Mazlish (Author)

Amazing results!!!
Good luck!

hi M....
.. I'm so going thru the same thing some days, luckily not every day. I have two boys 5 1/2 & >3.
I do separate them for awhile when it gets bad.
I have used several of the comments listed already!!

Sometimes my older one really wants mommy time or they both would benefit from a family game -If they promise to get along & one which I already know doesn't cause more fights (memory and candyland for us).

On the other hand,. sometimes I remove myself from their playroom and go to another room w/ some coffee and tv/or magazine for a mommy time-out :)

hope things are calmer soon!!
-marg.

I'm right there with you! I have a 5 year old boy and 2 1/2 year old girl and they drive me nuts all day!!! The playing nice will only last a few minutes before someone is screaming and crying! I wish I had some great advice for you, butI'm in your same boat. If you hear anything good, will you please pass it on? ____@____.com only thing I can say has helped a fraction is turning the TV off. It also helps if I stay in the same room they are in (but I don't get anything done that way with my housework!) Good luck and know that you are not alone!
T.

I found what worked for us is that if they can't share the toy or "thing" they are bickering over it gets put away and everyone finds a new toy or thing. If one is playing with something and the other takes it away they have to give it back and go find a toy, if they cry, whine etc.. it's to thier room until they feel they can play nicely. If they are just bickering to bicker, "he touched me, he won't move, etc... it's to your room until you can come back out and not bicker. This is just what worked for us. There is not a bunch of warnings, I ask once for them to resolve it then the consequence happens if they don't.

Good luck!

Your daughter is exhibiting signs of jealousy which are directed at her brother. She needs some private time with you. Plan something special with her one day a week that is just the two of you.
He has private time with you when she is at school.
The private time is not something you take away when discipling her for the bickering.

Just tell her there is no more toy grabbing allowed and when she does it place her in her room or on a blanket where you can see her for five minutes. Then if she leaves put her back. And, keep to the whole time. If she walks off after 3 minutes you still enforce five full minutes.
It can be a test of wills but the outcome will be a more peaceful house.

He's two you can also separate him when he being a pushy and throwing tantrum but he gets only two or three minutes of time out.
What I did with my children was to have different toys that belonged to each of them and so it was clear whose toy was whose.