Need Help Dealing with Fighting

If you have a problem with them leaving their stuff around I saw once where this lady sold everyones stuff on e-bay that they wouldn't pick up. Also with the fighting tell them that if they don't start working together and helping out that they need to pay rent. I know that sounds wired, but tell them that them helping out around the house is their way of paying rent, so if they don't then they don't get anything stip their rooms and let them only eat the meal that are prepared no snakes or whatever. I know it sounds kind of harsh but they are teens and Need to start getting ready to go out on their own it will happen sooner then you think!

Wow! It sounds like they have a loving mother who just wants the best for them. They are active in sports? Do they really enjoy these things? Do you clean up after them after you ask them repeatedly to clean up after themselves? My mother did the same thing for us girls. She got so tired of asking us over and over again to clean up that she just did it herself because she couldn't stand the mess. We knew this subconsiously, and we didn't really take her seriously. So guess what? One day mom went on strike. REALLY on strike. She didn't cave, not even once. For an entire month she didn't do our laundry or make sure we had our homework or even remind us of our sports schedule. She didn't wash our uniforms. She didn't make sure we woke up in the morning. It was as if she didn't exist. When it began she just announced she was going on strike as a door mat and if we wanted anything outside of basic neccessities we would have to do it for ourselves. We were saying to ourselves, "Okay, I'll show her! I can do this all by myself. She doesn't really do all she thinks she does!" Well she didn't mention all she WASN'T going to do for us. The next morning I didn't get up with my alarm. I was late for school. I yelled at my mom. I told her she had to call the school to excuse my tardy. She said, "I'm sorry you didn't get up in time. You will be calling the school yourself." Argh!! She didn't remind me of anything or do anything for us besides provide food. That month I did laundry (and ruined several shirts), was late or absent from practices and even games, late to school and had several late assignments in school. It was the most hellish month of my life. I talked bad about my mom the whole time, saying how crappy and ridiculus it was. BUT...In the end I was the most thankful and appreciative daughter on the planet. I think if she had caved and done a load of laundry I would have gone back to my selfish ways. At the end of the strike, she ended up a happier mom because we were so used to waking ourselves up she didn't have to do it anymore. She did do our laundry but if it was anywhere but the hamper in the laundry room it didn't get washed. We put it away too. We marked our home calendars when we got game and school schedules so we were more aware of our responsiblities. When we had schedule conflicts. In all of this, we worked everything out and fought with each other less. If we fought there were consequences. No sports that weekend. That must have been hard because I know they paid a lot of money for our sports. So, I don't have any advice, but I do have personal experience! It worked for my sister and I so it would probably work for your kiddo's too.

Take away all the things that are fun to them until they do their chores. Make chores for each of them including your brother and yourself and make everyone do their designated chores and if they don't start taking any priviledges like having their friends over or going to see their friends,take away T.V. and video game prilivedges,listening to music and computer.

I'd stop doing their laundry.

I'd ONLY clean up MY messes. Anything else is just being nice (when they're that age). MADONNA (yes, the SUPERSTAR) makes her daughter wear the same clothes everyday until she does what she is told.

They're old enough to fend for themselves. I'd have a lesson on how to do things properly, then... let 'em go. I wouldn't pay them either. You don't get paid with anything, not even respect!

Going on strike is a WONDERFUL idea! Cook, clean, do laundry and dishes, etc FOR YOU ONLY! They'll help out when they see they have no clean clothes.

I'm a few years away from this (and I will charish EVERY moment)... GOOD LUCK and let us know what happens!

~K. =]

I am just about so cik of fighting at my house as well I have a 11 year old girl and a 10 year old boy who are less than a year apart and they fight all the time!! It makes me want to pull my hair out. First of all I would not let them treat you that way, you are not their maid and they are well old enough to pick up after themselves and help clean around the house.

Here is what we do at my house. There are 3 groups of chores and we alternate them every week between my 3 kids, and we have chore days Tues, Thurs and Sat, whatever days work with your schedule; sometimes we have to wait a day to do them but we try to stick to it for the most part. Anyway if they do their chores they get an allowance 5.00 a week is what I give them. If they do not they do not get it and if this happens and I have to do them I give them the money and they have to pay me!! Trust me this has never happened :)
If they do a half-ass job so to speak then I give them half-ass pay :)
I would definately sit them down and say hey I am your mother and not your maid. You need to pick up after yourselves or you stop giving them money when they want it, start grounding them, take stuff away whatever works. You need to nip this in the butt now before it gets worse, that is why I started this early with my kids-hopefully it will stick!!
Feel free to contact me if you wanna chat some more!
S.

No T.V. Games Or Friends until task are complete.. Stay firm with this. They will kick and scream and stomp.. but do not get upset..(you will feel the strain) stay calm so not nag.. when they ask if they can go play, calmy remind them - "Yes, right after you take out the trash and feed the dog." More fit throwing.. Stomping.. You will be asked , "Why do I have to take out the trash? I always DO IT!" - reply 'Because you live here.' They can not argue with this.. well not true.. My 11 year old use to say, "Then I'm moving!" Okay, take the trash on your way out. I say.

Two reasons this works.
1. You stay calm as if no big deal.
2. Consistency.

ABOUT ME; 45 year old mom of four ages b8,g10,b11,g19.
Step-mom of two girls grown. currently have two step grands living with us. Ages3 & 5.
I home school the kids.
All responsibility falls on my shoulders.

Take Care

I had a friend who's son told her vacuuming was women's work, so from then on that chore was strictly his. Don't be afraid to take away privileges or punish as you see fit for them not helping around the house. If your children do not learn those responsibilities now they won't ever. My mom never made me do my chores, she'd wait until you couldn't see the floor in my room and then clean for me. It has been a serious struggle for me as an adult to be an organized, clean and efficient person. Maybe you could designate a chore a day and make a chart. I know for me, seeing things in writing gets me on track a lot better. Good luck!

I have a friend who takes hard to place teens thru foster care. Most of them really try to push the limits for a month or two, and she is limited in what she is allowed to do as far as dicipline. She has a wonderfully effective method that she only has to use once, but you have to be very firm. Turn of the tv, unplug the games, and make them sit and listen. Lay out what you expect, and fighting is not allowed under any circumstance. If any rules are broken or a fight takes place, strip their room. Down to one pillow and a blanket only on the bed. She keeps a variety of plain sweats and tshirts and deck shoes. All nice, designer clothing is removed, as well as computers, tvs, games, music, etc. All has to be earned back. Legally, all she has to provide is clothing, shelter, and food. They catch on quickly - and you won't have many repeats.

Hi,
I have not been a mom as long my oldest is ten. But I have decided kids really only do what they practice. Since they are very practiced in fighting the only thing to change that will be changing what they practice.
Maybe think of a way they can practice a different habit. One hour a night they can only talk nice or have severe consiquences..Until the habit has changed and also they imitate what they see, So try to introduce shows or movies that portray children acting nice.
My kids have never really fought with each other. So if it tries to pop up we end it quickly. So it can not become a habit.
Hope that helps
A.

Hace you tried going on "stike?" I have done it with my husband to get him to help out a bit. It normally only takes about a week before he wants to clean up after himself. My only daughter is two so I don't have to deal with fighting just yet. But, with my 30 year old husband I have found "strikeing" to be quite effective. I just don't do anything for him. No laundry, no dishes, no cooking, I do nothing, but clean up after myself and my two year old. I bet when they get hungery and don't have any clean clothes they will help around a bit more.

I would say that if they play sports, then they are not lazy. They are just takibg advantage of you because they know you will do it anyways. I would just start taking away privliges, threaten to pull them from their extra-curricular activities. If none of that works... a good 'ol fashion butt-whooping will do the trick.

I would go on Strike, I've done it with my two older girls and It helps. I now have them folding their own clothes. Doing dishes, etc. I will wash their clothes but they need to bring them out. There have been some days they had no clean jeans. I just look at them and say oh well. did you bring them out. My husband doesn't believe they should get paid for it. They have a roof over their head, and clothes on their back. And when they need something or want to go some where and need money they get it. It helps when they need to wear dirty clothes or need to wash a glass before getting something to drink. There are days that you will have to fight with them. I just sit back and pick my battles. I can never get them to clean the bedroom. I look at it I don't live in it. I just don't want to hear it when you can't find something. But if they want something or go some where they will get it clean.
One day they will respect what you do. And see what needs to be done. It might not always be when they are under your roof. But one day they will see what needs to be done to live.

I just recently dealt with this situation. I decided to stop everything and basically put a lock on the refrigerator and pantry and put up a sign: Clean House = Food to Eat. Let's just say after hungry bellies got the best of them the house got clean. Sometimes tough love is the best love. Kids have to learn that nothing in this world is free and that walking over you is going to get them nowhere. I don't believe in allowance because like you said you shouldn't have to pay them to clean up their own mess but monthly rewards like gift cards to their favorite stores work as a special treat when they do what needs to be done consistently. Now my house is a lot more manageable because the kids do what needs to be done and that takes stress off of me and allows me some free time. Although my measures to restore peace in my house were extreme sometimes it's what has to be done.

If the idea of going on strike helps. Then do so. Have you ever got mad? Really mad at them? I say this because if you just allow the behavior and they don't take you seriously, then it isn't going to change. They will fight with you about doing their chores, but oh well, they will get over it. Make a chart and make some changes. And if they continue to fight...because they are at that "angry" age....then prize possessions need to be taken away...games ect. That's my take on the situation. And I don't mean to sound harsh, but if the 19 year old isn't in school right now and/or working; then he is not being helpful to family and being a problem. I would be tough and tell him that he either starts to help out or move out. And no, I don't believe children should be paid for cleaning up or doing chores to help out themselves or the family. It's called responsibility.

House rules and structure: Your younger brother is living with you is an unusual circumstance and he is still a kid. If he was living in your parents home, there would still be rules for him to abide by. If not, then there are consequences. I definitely think there should be consequences for the actions.
Your 19-year-old brother should be helping with the younger children, not creating a bigger problem. It seems that really there are two problems- the messiness and the discord in your home. Perhaps, it would be best to not tackle both problems at the same time. Could you live with the mess a little easier if there was peace in your home first? Stay the course and stick to structure and consequences. Yet at the same time, allow for grace if it is possible. This is how God love us. He disciplines and prunes us to be more like Him but extends a sufficient grace to cover all our transgressions. Blessings to you and your family! Also, there is free counseling at the Health Department that might be useful. Anyone can use the service.

My 3 sons are grown and gone from home now. Advice....Well when I was growing up my parents attitude towards dealing with us 6 kids was very simple. You break a glass storm door the 2 kids spent the next month washing all the walls and ceilings in the house. With a wheelbarrow and shovel we dug the basement for our garage. Our neighbor was us set to see us doing this and offered to do it for free for my dad. My dad said no, he was keeping us out of trouble and teaching us responsibility. He is right, we took pride in that basement. We also had fun while doing it. My sons were told that I owe them nothing but a place to sleep and food to eat. So I if they would not do as they were told they would only get peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches. The rest of the food did not belong to them. They owned nothing in the house because (not their gameboys or anything), by law it was mine. So they were not allowed to touch it unless they cleaned up after themselves. I told them if they had an attitude then they could go live with the state. I would wash my hands of them. Of course I made sure that they knew what it would be like if they were taken care of by the state. They prefered living at my house with my simple rules. Since my husband & I both worked, we had a chart set up as to who does what chore on what day. Most important is that my husband also participated with all the chores thus letting the boys know that everyone does everything.

I don't have any advice to offer you on the fighting issue, but I will tell you that your kids need to understand that cleaning up after themselves and pictching in around the house is just part of being in the family. Everyone contributes to the house getting messy, therefore everyone should be expected to contribute to clean it. If you are met with opposition after having a serious talk with your kids you should consider consequences that will hit home with them. Try restricting activities that they would really miss e.g.: T.V., surfing the net, hanging out w/friends, video games, etc.

Once they know you are serious, they'll get on board with the new program. Just stick to your guns and don't give in.

S. N.

I know how you feel. I am a mother of a 12 yr. old girl, 10 yr. old girl and a 8 year old girl. You want to talk about fighting LOTS LOTS LOTS!! To make matters worse we live with their grandparents right now, so they think their Nana should cook and clean after them also. We have tried different things but what has seemed to have worked the best for us is taking everything away. Friends, phone, cant leave the house till these things are done and give them a list start off small and work up to long lists or hard tasks. After about a week you will hopefully see a change.