My Daughter Cries When I Take Her to School

I am wondering if she is feeling jealous of the new little one at home? Even if she isn't jealous, she could still be having some separation anxiety because you and the baby are going back home to be together and she is going to be somewhere else. Or is she sleeping well with the new one up in the night? Perhaps begin a new going to school ritual where you spend some time with just her for a few minutes?

It seems that you have ruled out school problems because she settles in and has a good day... so, it sounds like it is about parting from you that is causing her stress/anxiety.

Just some thoughts... I hope you can find some better answers.
blessings,
stacy

I agree with the previous posts. Spend some alone time with her and also include her in some "fun" care things with the new baby. She could do her reading to the baby. She could decorate the babies room with her art....

Another thing you could do is invite a classmate over some afternoon or on the weekend for them to play. Just invite one at a time. 3 little girls does not always work out as well... Later for that conversation....

Why would you punish your daughter for needing to be reassured by you? Kids at this age start to understand that sometimes Moms and Dads don't come home. Has she seen a movie with this in it? Someone close to ya'll die, a pet or anything? I think she just needs a little more reassurance from you that you will do all in your power to see her later after school and work. You are having a bad day because you are taking it personally. This problem is not about you, it is your daughter than needs calm reassurance.

Her classmates might be making fun of her or teasing her because of her size. Kids can be insensitive, even at a Christian school. She may not know, how to tell you what really is going on, because it might be embarrassing to her.

Our son is getting picked on at school. He's in a public school in kinder! He doesn't cry on the way to school, just looks sad, when he leaves for school. Their body language says it all. He is just now, opening up to us. I always tell him, before he leaves for school, if any one picks on him, to tell his teachers. He doesn't out of fear of getting beat up.

When we pump him for information, he will start to cry and tell us that a few of his classmates, won't leave him alone. I encourage him to tell a teacher, and he tells us, that he is too nervous. Again, it's the fear of getting beat up. We're thinking of placing him in another class room because we are seeing behaviors starting to arise.

Good Luck.

Rosie

I was one of those kids who cried when I was taken to my first school. I'll share some of my experience/perspective as a little kid.

My first school was in the school district of my dad's business, sort of on the way there for him every morning. So he would take me there, but it wasn't close to my home, or really close to his work either. I don't know what it was about the place, but it felt so alien to me. And I feared being separated from my mom, as if being so far away, I might lose her or something. I spent months crying and moping, both in the car on the way and at the school. Yet all the while being a "good student." My parents and my teacher were worried and at their wits' end. My fears of feeling abandoned or being unable to reach my mom in case she needed me (yeah - even little kids think like that) really scared and upset me. And I was afraid to forget about her. Perhaps this was in part because I was a first born. And I felt very responsible to the family to be responsible for my mom's sake as well as my little brother.

After a few months, my parents finally addressed my extreme fear of losing my mother and decided to transfer me back to the school in my own neighborhood. Not only did the place not feel alien to me this time, but my fears and crying literally disappeared overnight. In my child's mind and emotional reality, going to school wasn't the issue - it was being asked to be so far away from home and mom. But going to school closer to home was a threshold I felt I could successfully handle. And the people seemed more like home to me there than the people at the other school. Even though I liked the people at the first school, they were nice and I did (after some time of crying) have fun and enjoy some of our activites - they still felt "too far away from home" and too "not safe" to me for my desire to feel certain that my mom wasn't going to disappear out of my life somehow while being so far away. As a child, I was very spatially aware of just how far away I was from home, unlike many kids I guess.

Anyway, when you told your story, I could feel that little girl inside of me again who was so afraid I might lose my mom. Doesn't have to be rational, but it was real. And I couldn't explain all I felt to my parents either. To me at the time, it felt like my parents were asking me to make a sacrifice I just couldn't feel I could face. Later when I was a little older, they were able to transfer me to another school closer to dad's work without any fear or trouble from me or my brother.

So I guess my take is simply see if there's a fear about what you and her daddy mean to her and all. She loves you so much and she may have a fear that to her, being asked to be away from you might somehow betray that love. Just love her, help her feel secure and see. Perhaps some new insight will come to light.

I hope this helps.

I see that you have a 4 month old. Your older daughter knows you are home with the baby and probably feels a bit left out. Also, some children are more sensitive to separations than others. I have three and they have all responded differently at different times to the same separation situations. I would like to suggest not punishing her for this. This sends the message that she is not allowed to feel the way she feels. You don't want to have a sensitive child that bottles everything up and suppresses her feelings. The teacher should be able to handle it if it is only for 10 minutes and if she can't, you should consider switching her to another class. I know your daughter seems very 'grown up' in comparison to your baby but try to remember that she is only 6 and still very little! All-day school is a big stressor for the little ones. Try to support her and empathize with her ("I know it is hard and it makes you sad to be away from me all day, but you are a big girl now and school is very important..." etc., etc.). Just try talking to her more...if she realizes that you understand what she is going through and feel for her, she will start to feel more secure. Trust me, this too shall pass, and sooner than you think! Good luck!

Hi Kemberly,
sometimes it can be really traumatic for 6 yr olds going to school. Sounds like she is having some sort of anxiety feelings about detaching herself from you. Have you tried going into the classroom with her and maybe staying just a few minutes- sometimes that will help on the days she is crying. Also, even tho she is in a Christian School there could be something in the first few minutes of her day there that has given her some cause to be a little anxious.
Here is another suggestion- perhaps you could pick up one of her little classmates in the mornings and they could go in together- I think she just needs a little comfort in her early mornings. I think punishment or taking away priveledges is not the way to give her assurance that she will be ok and that you will be there for her when she is ready to leave for the day. It is most likely the detatchment from you being with you all day that is giving her the anxiety.
Good luck
Blessings

With a 4 month old sibling, perhaps she is still adjusting to sharing you with the baby? To me, it sounds like she is needing more 1-on-1 time with you...?

Of course, my boss was dealing with this with her daughter (same age). She thought it was brought on due to her divorce (again, a life changing adjustment prompted it). SO she made a deal with her daughter... If she went through the whole week without goodbye fussing, then they went to ice-cream on Friday afternoon. That worked for her... So, instead of punishment and taking way privileges, maybe try to get the desired behavior by offering something.... I have read somewhere that negative incentives don't necessary work on young children.

Is this relatively new or has she always done this? My 4yo daughter recently went through a phase of crying when she had to be left anywhere, for any amount of time. I rearranged schedules a bit so I could spend some extra one-on-one time with her, and I also discovered somewhat inadvertently that she also seemed to be having trouble dealing with her grandmother's recent death. She is now smiling again when I take her to school, which makes for a much easier parting and much relief throughout the day for me. I would also question whether she should be punished because she is upset about you leaving. Are you punishing her or is she punished at school? I guess it depends on what ways she is disrupting the class, but if it's only crying, I would hesistate to punish her or take away privileges for that. I did try rewards for when she went to school and other places without crying, but that really didn't help either. Mostly she just needed some extra loving and some help processing what was bothering her. It's not easy when our kids are that unhappy being away from us, even for a few hours, but hang in there and she will likely be happier soon.

We went and bought a special stuffed animal that wanted to go to school and worked it out with the teacher so that the animal could sit on the desk. I told him it was my job to miss him not his job to miss me. And I bought a little notebook and everynight I wrote or drew a special picture that he could not look at until he got to school. He started drawing me pictures in return to see when he got home. If all went well I would come have lunch with him on Friday...Good luck and remember one day you will look back and wish you could have the days back when they wanted to be with you all the time.

I have been there. Please follow your mother instinct. She is acting this way for a reason. My two children have been in this situation before. Sit in on a class unannounced. Eat lunch with her. My son had a teacher being verbally abusive to him and my daughter ended up having a girl pick on her...both were resolved but it took effort on my end. Question teachers, Principals and let them know you will not turn your cheek until you resolve the issue at hand. I promise they will take extra steps to see that your little girl is ok.

Hi K.,

My daughther, who is almost 5 did that when we started preschool. She wasn't used to the teachers and she would cry every time I drop her off. I know she loves snacks so I would give her a treat (candy or whatever she really enjoys) when we say our goodbyes. I'll whisper to her ear to enjoy her snack later. She can have it as an afternoon snack. My daughter told me she pretends that the treats remind her of mommy. She doesn't cry anymore. When she is about to cry, I would tell her that I will have to take it back if she does. It seems to work on my daughter. I don't give her that much. Maybe a few pieces of jelly bean and a piece of Dove's dark chocolate. Now that we're used to the routine, I don't always have to give her a treat, if I forget, I will tell her I'll try to find something good when I go pick her up. Good luck to you. This might not work for everyone especially if you don't like to give your kids snacks but everyone likes a little treat right?

I was the same way in the first grade. I would cry every day around noon. The teacher brought an old bowling trophy that if you were good and no crying you got to keep the trophy on your desk. Supposedly I loved the idea because I wanted the trophy on my desk really bad.

I was also given a courage gift. It was a small cloth present that fit in my pocket and I was told it was courage. If I felt sad or wanted to cry I could put my hand in my pocket and find my courage.

She is not doing it to be bad. I was never punished for crying at school. My mom was a stay a home mom and I missed her.

I wouldn't punish her for it. My daughter (first grade) had difficulty for the first few months too - we had just moved. At drop off I tried to ignore it as much as I could or just say, you're fine, have a great day, love you, see you after school. Then I would try talking to her about it when she got home. Ask her why she was sad and tried to figure out a little bit what triggered it and how we could work around it. For her it turned out to be she was just extremely nervous about where to go when she went through the front doors (classroom or cafeteria) so it was easy to solve once I figured it out. I had also talked with the teacher to find out if anything was going on in class. I know it is difficult but try to be as understanding as possible, good luck!

I've been through this with both my girls when they were in preschool (day care)--they cried every day that I dropped them off for 9mths. I knew the director and knew they were safe, and just thought they were going through some type of separation anxiety. I switched the day care when my oldest was ready for kinder. they cried for the first day, maybe the second and have been happy ever since. I learned my oldest needs a more structured arrangement and she is happy. I went through this again when my oldest started kinder and she didn't want to go to school, come to find out there was a boy that sat at her table that drove her crazy, the teacher switched her seating arrangement and she was fine for the rest of the school year. My only advice is that if they are crying and upset, something else is going on. Whether it's the fact that they may not be use to so many kids at one time or they just aren't getting along with another kid. I e-mail the teacher and just told her that Emily was upset and didn't want to come to class and asked if she had noticed anything throughout the day that she thought may be related, the teacher figured it out.
Good luck!

K....Since you have a 6 year difference between your girls it sounds like your oldest may be feeling a little 'left out' and may be crying to try and gain some attention from you. I have 7 years difference between my two, son & daughter. My son is the oldest and for the first 7 years it was all about him because he was the only child. When I had my daughter, he did act out a little, throwing tantrums, etc. because he felt I was spending too much time with his sister and not enough with him. I sat down with him and explained that since she was a baby, she needed more attention, which babies do, but that it didn't mean I loved him any less. Once he got adjusted to his sister being around, I even let him help me take care of her..help dress her, feed her, play with her (supervised of course). His attitude improved and things got better.

Maybe let your husband take care of the 4 month old for a little while and start spending some time with your oldest doing girl things, just the two of you, or even let her help you take care of her little sister sometimes, so she still feels loved and needed by you. Sounds like she's in need of reassurance from you that she hasn't been "replaced" by her sister.

Good luck and God Bless!! It will all work out!

Maybe try and get there a few minutes earlier to give her that adjustment time. Also, explain to her that she can be sad, but it is better to cry quietly (no noise) so that the class isn't disrupted and she won't get into trouble that way. (Let the teacher know you've told her that, and maybe the teacher will give her some space as long as she's quiet? and tell the other kids to give her some time.) Make sure you keep up a dialog to make sure nothing else is going on at school. Give her opportunities to tell everything good and bad that happened that day. It took several months of something like this before my son admitted to me that he was being teased at lunch. But, it is probably just normal "missing you" emotions. My daughter cried every day for the first weeks of 1st grade. Turned out to be because a friend of hers wouldn't play with her at recess. It took a while for me to figure that out!

Please don't punish her for showing her feelings. You want to know what's going on inside her, and you certainly want her to be in touch with that too. Punishing her for feeling the way she does teaches her nothing good and complicates things later. Of course she's homesick, it's cozy with mommy! Shows you're doing a great job! Just give her some extra loving, hold her and cuddle her before you drop her off and tell her you'll have some girl time playing with dolls or something right after you pick her up. Sympathize, say, "I know it's so hard to go to school sometimes and I miss you so much too but I know you can do it and I'll be thinking about you lots and we'll have so much fun when I come pick you up!" It's a phase and she'll get over it. Don't worry about it disrupting the class, that's not a good reason to get annoyed with her, these feelings are very real and poignant to her. Just be loving and understanding and that will reassure her. :)

I did the same thing many years ago and I am a 1st grade teacher (26 years of experinece). I remember thinking my teacher was old and mean which means she was probably my age now! It is so hard to see your child cry every morning and it makes your day miserable. My mom finally stopped walking me to the door - she dropped me off in the parking lot, like all the other moms. I remember not liking it at first but each day became easier and easier. Maybe she can walk in with a friend each morning or carpool so she won't be alone. Email the teacher during the day to make sure everything is ok. Give her small rewards when she acheives not crying (a sticker, extra time with you, a special note in her lunch box but nothing too big!)Whatever you do, don't just drop in as that might start a whole other problem. My school no longer allows parents to walk their children to their classrooms which is sad but it has stopped the problem of crying children and parent anxiety. Hang in there and keep us posted!!!

Why would you punish & take things away from a 6yr old who is showing you her emotions? that sounds awful. She's not "bad" or doing this to make you mad, she's (for whatever reason) is nervous, sad, doesn't want to go.. Of course she not responding to the punishment, that's not the way to handle this issue. Talk to the teacher, to your child. have you thought of a REWARD chart? Marble jar, ticket jar...a very SMALL jar so she can see progress? This works better than taking things a way. (kids really don't care, they need love & support) do the marble jar. Tell her that if she goes to school nicely & has a good day she can put a marble in the jar when she gets home. after 5 days she can get a treat. (ice cream shop, a small trinket..whatever works with her) I like to be rewarded rather than punished. So do kids. She is just learning how to "be" guide her.

Talk to the teacher and find out what type of discussion did she have with the class that may have triggered your daughter's crying (not that she is to blame). She may have heard someone talk about death, which can be a scary thought. Ask your daughter why is she scared about being away from you, and you just might be amazed at what she tells you. God bless.

Take heart. This, too, shall pass.

Your daughter is expressing her fears that something may happen to you while you two are separated. I see that you have a much younger baby. She may also feel that you are sending her away from you because you love her sibling more. I am not remotely saying that her thoughts fears are valid. But they may be very real.

Try getting to school a little earlier. Then spend a few minutes in the car or outside next to it (weather pemitting). Remind her how much you love her and that you will be there to pick her up after school. Ask her what she thinks tey will do at scool (you may have to offer some ideas to really get the conversation going). Explain to her that you will miss her too and can't wait till school is over to hear all about her day. If she mentions her sibling getting to stay home with you, tell her that if her sibling could speak she would be telling your daughter how much he/she wanted to go to school just like your daughter.

I am not sure what else to suggest. When I had my twins and (my oldest daughter was 7 then) I had similar moments with my oldest. She realized that mommy had been right when the twins were old enough to speak and kept asking her if they could go to school with her...

Good Luck and I hope things ease up for you... ;-)