Mom Struggling to Connect

It will get better for her when he child goes to school. She can do volunteer work in the school and meet other moms like that. Plus help and see what the teachers are like and how things are for her child. And she will have time for her erands too.

In Europe... if you ask someone what they do they are likely to tell you

- I play football, go hiking, love reading
- Photography! Mostly of...
- Dancing, history, rebuilding engines
- Cooking

In the USA if you ask people what they do they are likely to tell you
- I'm in retail
- I'm a lawyer
- I'm run a small business
- I'm a receptionist
- I'm a stay at home parent

BIG difference. In Europe, your work is not your LIFE. Your life is what you do AFTER work. In the US; work IS your life. It's so prevalent most of our TV shows are work related, Fight Club specifically had a line "You are not your job", and we start asking kids as toddler "What they want to be" when they grow up... meaning what work do they want to do.

You are not your job.

Being a SAHP is BUSY. It's a freakin 14-18 hour day, 7 days a week, often with no help. BUT (there are noooo cats in america, sorry, kid movies have been playing a lot around here)... if you can afford babysitting, it's really really VITAL that you actually DO something with your life apart from working 2 full time, with overtime, nanny jobs. There's no balance in that. And if one CAN'T afford babysitting, it's even more vital.

Not so long ago, when SAHMs were common, it was EXPECTED that women pursued their interests during the day. Be that photography, horseback riding, knitting, dancing, whatever. Whole blocks would get together for bridge, or 1pm cocktails (naptime), or, or, or. Everyone *got together* almost every single day. Now, SAHMs are rare, and isolated, and have the "I must do everything myself" attitude shoved down their throats (when historically, women traded days or hired in help in order to have alone time to pursue their interests) by societal expectations that being as stay at home parent ISN'T work, therefore they shouldn't need "help" with what should be "easy".

SAHPs are often going batshootcrazy for the first couple years before preschool, because there just isn't the support.

TALK WITH PEOPLE EVERY DAY
DO WHAT YOU LOVE EVERY DAY (that isn't kid related)

When you have things you DO (outside of childcare), and have things you're thinking about, and people you see... all of a sudden... bam. Not feeling so disconnected anymore. No one would expect a nanny to work from 5am-midnight 7 days a week without going clinically insane. They'd QUIT. It's ridiculous to expect that of a parent, or of yourself. Yes, you may be UP those hours, but they need to be broken up into different times. It's easy to be a working parent (having done both) BECAUSE OF OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPECTATIONS. People expect that you're going to be both reeeally excited to see your kids , and that you're going to be too tired from working to always be spot on. Yet, with SAHPs people expect that same level of excitement (not possible - we're most of us more excited when something isn't constantly present; absence making the heart grow fonder... just take the heat wave or snow. People were soooo excited when the good weather started or snow started falling, and weeks in were miserable in the same temps... or how excited you are to see your spouse when they're gone, or, or, or, or) BUT you're not "allowed" to be tired or not always spot on. Other people's expectations are *killer*. We all know they "shouldn't" matter... but they do.

SAHPs need a life outside of their kids. Kids are *wonderful*, but lets face it, diapers are boring and temper tantrums are exhausting and housework can be done by a monkey -no brains required. If that's all you've got in your life... it's the same as working a 9-5 type job 14-18 hours a day with only an hour or two for a break. It's unsupportable. Unbalanced. Nonsustainable.

I am a SAHP. I know a LOT of SAHPs (especially since I'm a homeschooler). There is ONE common thread amongst people who do it long term:

We ALL do other things aside from being with our kids all day long. So we have tons and tons of things to talk about.

I know what she means. If I'm not doing something, I feel like my brain is rotting.

Find a mommy group. There are lots of mommy groups that have playgroups attached, too. Ours was mostly stay-at-home moms, so we are all in a similar postition of finding a way to stay connected. Instead of just playgroups, we also have a book group, occasional wine tastings, we see movies together, and that sort of thing. She can check out meetup.com to find a nearby group, and she can search for a mommy group that does a variety of things, or she can find just a bookgroup or historians group or stamp collecters or whatever interests her, that has no "mommy" part at all.

She can take a class at the local community college. Often, you don't even have to enroll, really. They have "community" or "continuing education" type-classes, which means they aren't part of a curriculum, their just for folks who want to take an occasional class. I've done kickboxing and ASL through our community college, but there are all sorts of things available. I would imagine there is a similar opportunity for her, too.

I found that during the years the boys were little, it was quite hard to stay connected. If she has old friends she should maybe organize some "girls nights out" with them. It will make her feel connected and if they go to an event (like a comedy club or maybe a concert or a play) there is much less need to constantly talk but hey still can have tons of fun together.

Now my boys are going to school and I volunteer a lot at the school. I found a lot of friends who are also SAHMs that way and we always have tons of topics to talk about.

I stay home with 2 1/2 year old twins, so I know how sometimes I feel uncomfortable in adult conversations. But what I do to keep some of my sanity is I started taking violin lessons. I never took instrument classes in school and never knew how to read music, so this is something just for me to do and learn. Also, I joined a book club. This forces me to read adult books (I used to just read magazines) and to participate with 10 other adults. I love it! She needs to get a hobby or join a club and once in awhile get out and enjoy herself and it will start coming back to her.

What about her getting a part-time job? I had a lot of the same feelings when I stayed home. I had worked all my life & being a SAHM just wasn't really my thing. I work part time now & wish I would've done so the whole time I stayed home. I think sometimes some of us are more "cut out" for it than others are, honestly. Some are content with it & some are not. For those that are not, it can be hard.

For me, I have to make a commitment to myself to have time with my friends. Coffee dates, drinks, etc.
One option for her is to enroll her little one into swimming lessons or gym classes. This is a great way to meet other SAHM.
Another option is for her to volunteer in the community.

Good Luck!

I like doing library story times with my so

Some people are meant to be SAHM mom's and others just can't do it. Perhaps she could dip her feet into her old profession enough to stay current without compromising the kids time with a parent. Or get a part time holiday job to get a discount for her holiday shopping. If she is truly wanting to be an at home person, she has to try many avenues to connect to others, from bible study groups, bowling groups, craft classes, cooking classes, doing college classes online or attending one class a week at a local college in something of interest and a host of many more. Clubs are out there, Mom's meet on the bike trails for walks(even in bad weather), they need volunteers to visit those in retirement homes who get no visitors and would love a toddler for a few minutes, become a regular at reading time for toddlers at the library to meet new Moms. The only one holding her back from finding what she needs to feel interesting is her.

It is a change, for sure. She just needs to make sure she is connecting in some way to other adults/moms. If she goes to play groups or whatever, that will help. The main thing is changing expectations. She won't have a big project that she's working on or a hectic deadline, etc. But she still can find ways to stimulate her mind. I found a book club very helpful. Besides having the grown up time, it forced us to talk about things other than kids! And just because she can't offer work stories in a conversation doesn't mean she can't ask questions and be involved in a conversation. She can talk about current events and other people's jobs, too. She'll adjust, it just takes changing expectations.