Issues with Husband - Midlife Crisis?

He sounds depressed... and probably STILL not over that fact that he got laid-off from his previous job that he was with for 10 years.

How old is he?
He could also be having a mid-life crisis in tandem with being depressed. These things are not mutually exclusive. Especially in men.

But its hard, because he cannot see, that he needs help.
Until he realizes that... I don't know that you can help him.

And yes, if a person quits their job, they CANNOT get unemployment.

Yes, the priority is also thinking about the kids, and financial responsibility.

Maybe, what if you and his parents ALL together, talk to him???? Like an intervention?
Maybe he needs a real wake-up call, to his mentality.

all the best,
Susan

Have you ever asked him what he would like to do? I mean really asked him, perfect world, what he'd like to do for work. If its possible, a shift in carrers (I don't mean different jobs doing the same things) could really be beneficial.

I worked a job that ate my soul and honestly took years off my life. I also made my home life much more difficult and put strains on my marrage. I sabotaged my career constantly till my eventual firing. My wife constantly asked me what I wanted to do and I told her, I didn't want to work at a desk for a bunch of overbearing bosses. Shortly after my firing, I got a job at a coffee shop and even though it paid me significantly less, I loved it and my wife and I figured it out, cut back on some expenses, and made it work. I worked real hard and within a couple of months was offered an assistant manager position, which helped bring even more money. While there I met more and more people, made new connections and networked myself into a job in travel a year later, which payed what I would have made if I had stayed at my previous employer. Now I'm happy, have a great job I like, and I'm getting back all those years I lost before.

I'm not saying it's all going to work out, but maybe you need to discuss your live, your dreams, and your expectations. Good Luck.

I'm sorry to hear you're having these issues! I think a lot of men get depressed and don't realize it or want to admit it. It can be awful to be in a job you don't like that you MUST go to every day to pay the bills!!! Some men also have a very negative view of 'therapy'.

Here's what I would suggest:

1)Put it to your husband that you feel that 'the family' is in a rut- not just him! Explain to him how YOU are feeling and leave an opening for him to say how he feels, and maybe he will open up. Communication is key and just keep reaffirming to him how much you love him and you need him to keep the lines of communication open.

2)If you belong to a church, I would first go speak to your minister, etc. about it yourself. These days most clergymen also do a lot of family counseling and many families are going through situations like this. I suggest this route, because if your husband does not feel comfortable going to see a 'therapist' - he may be able to get his therapy elsewhere, through someone he already knows or is used to, like a clergyman.

My husband is very quiet but when we went to our pre-wedding counseling with the minister who married us, I was amazed at how he opened up in our discussion sessions! Sometimes just a few times in the right environment can really get someone to open up.

3)Whether you see a clergyman or someone else, tell your husband that you think BOTH of you need this experience. It sounds like you are weary and worried as well- tell him you really need him there to support you as you open up and I bet that would lead to him doing so as well. It may not happen all at once, but he may go and participate if he can tell himself he is doing it for you- and not just because he is depressed!

Good luck- I bet you guys can work through this! Just put it as something you BOTH need to do, just because of the strain of outside pressures- not because you are unhappy with your marriage. I'm sure it will be fine!

I am so sorry that you are going through that. That really sucks. First of all what sort of work does he do now,and what does he want to do? Maybe you could convince him, or talk to him about going back to school to work towards that goal, so that his current work situation does not seem to him like a forever place, just somewhere that he has to be now for you and the kids. And this economy is horrible. My one sisters husband, who was the breadwinner, lost his job last year and now they are in jeopardy of loosing their home. He has not been able to find anything, and I know that he has even applied like at grocery stores, and places like that, and he has a masters in engineering. Good luck to y ou.

I know you are very worried about money and managing and keeping the status quo which are all normal responses but the truth is he will do what he deems fit and proper for hmself regardless of the family. This is not necessarily a bad thing but you will feel much more comfortable and confident if you put your ducks in order. Start saving as much money as you can on your own and squirrel it away for a "rainy day". Keep your rainy day fund a secret. I have an online account with ING and I make systematic deposits directly from my pay. You really can not afford to not do this. As for the children, they are very resilient and will take cues and hints from you on how to respond to life not being fair.

As for hubby, don't nag him about therapy any longer but ask him about things he would like to do. Perhaps there are some classes he can take and transition out of this rut into a different career.

Don't focus on this economy because it doesn't seem to be impacting him in the negative. Based on your posts he lost one job and managed to get two over time.

While he may not be where he wants to be, let him know how very proud you are of him and encourage him to a better place. This is what my husband has done for me because honestly I was feeling just like your husband.

Ask your husband what his dream job is. Pretend there are no mortgages or expenses or kids, just ask what his dream job would be, and it can't be to sit at home all day and do nothing. Really get down to what it is. Maybe his field of work really does suck and he gets no respect or appreciation for what he does from his boss. Try and sympathize with him on this because if your best friend hated their job, you would not lecture them on their financial responsiblities, but would offer sympathy and ask them what they would want to do instead.
Then set up a plan, even a long term goal, of him going after his dream job. For men, their career is everything to them, more so than women. Help him follow his dreams in a realistic manner. Have him figure out how he can provide without leaning on you.
My husband quit his job in his 30s and joined the Army (total change) but it is where he is best suited and where his talents are best used. And he loves it!

Seriously, I'd get ahold of your physician and let them know what's going on and hopefully you can talk him into an appointment or suggest counseling. He may not go for it but it's worth a try

My husband works in the mortgage industry and for the past 4 years we have been up and down with his employment history. He would get a job be gungho about it and then the managers, coworkers, comp plan and everything that he was excited about turned into dreading being at work. He would then quit and then go to something else and so on and so on. As a wife you have to try and be supportive because if you become negative then all that stress lays on your husbands shoulders and makes his life more miserable. You are his best friend at the end of the day and if you shed positive light on him it will help him with his work situation. My husband dreads going to work everyday currently and his is just waiting to quit his job and he doesn't know when he is going to get paid again. I just have to have trust in my husband and show him that he is a man and build his confidence and then in the end he will love you even more. Try talking calmly about it without using defensive words. Tell him you understand it is a stressful situation going to work everyday, commuting, and dealing with the politics in the office, also tell him that whole family appreciates how much he works and sacrafices and if you guys can just make it through this and get your finances in order and maybe refinance your house that that will help lower your bills and maybe yall get figure out him a way to work part time or make it work until he finds something he likes. My husband has been in finance for 17 years and knows it like the back of his hand. If you would like advice on how to lower your payments I am sure he would be more than happy to give you free advice. Many mommas and couples have helped us out along the way so whenever we can return that favor we will.

His name is Michael ###-###-#### if you want to call him and just see if he can help.

Good luck!

would it be possible for you to work more and have him take on more house hold chores and child care, maybe a change would be really helpful?