Hi everyone! I am 30 yo, married for 5 years with a toddler. The last 2 years were hard for me, for my marriage as my dh and I always fight. He is verbally abusive and can say the most cruel words. He also shove, pulled my hair, destroyed mobile phones during fights. I had no wish to divorce because I always thought that I have done something wrong or he would change. He did not change and I became more and more depressed and with very law self-esteem. Until I met him, the kindest man I have ever seen. Older, divorced, without kids and as I said very nice. We just clicked. I have never felt this way, not even with my current dh. The chemestry is just amazing. We could talk for hours. He makes me feel safe. I love feeling like this! We both knew what attraction was between us so because I am a married woman he did not say anything unappropriate. I choose to cut off all contacts with him. It's been 4 months and I am still not over him. I want to divorce now, but I don't know it is because I cannot live in this marriage or it is because I know he is out there. I really feell ashamed and don't know what to do. I decided to keep fighting for my marriage for a couple of years to be sure I have done everything I could to make things work. But when I go sleep at night I cannot help but thinking: you're making a big mistake, you'll never find another love like this....
hmmm... we've had this same question time and again when you were writing under a different profile and you got a ton of advice... the same story, the same broken English...
ETA: you remember too now TF? and I think it was her boss?
@Julie, I remember that one too haha! I'm thinking of a different one though...
Leave your abusive marriage...do it now for your child's sake. Once you have time to clear your head and get your feet on the ground...you may not even want to contact the other guy. Sometimes, a bad relationship make us want to look elsewhere. If you get out of the bad relationship, you can make better decisions for the long-term...whether it involves the other guy or not.
If you are in an abusive marriage the RIGHT thing to do is get out. Get in contact with your local women's shelter so they can help you plan. You should not stay in a situation where you or your child are in danger.
It would not be the RIGHT thing to immediately get involved with someone else right away. Before you move on with another relationship, you have to get yourself emotionally healthy and make sure you have stability for your child. You need to work on YOU. This other person is making you feel good, feel loved and this is not good for you in your state emotionally. Is this other person married as well?
When things get tough like they have for you... you are seeing the grass as greener on the other side. it is not always bells and whistles. Truthfully, you are not in love with this other person, you are in love with the idea. You are in love with the idea that this other person is going to rescue you.
Does your husband know about this other person? If so, you are not only endangering yourself and your toddler but you have pulled a third party into the scene. If your husband is violent and abusive, he could very well go off the deep end and harm you, your child or this other person.
You do not need to be looking for love right now. You need to be talking with a counselor to help you through your current marriage and determine what you plan to do to get yourself healthy again so you can be a stable parent for your child.
Get your priorities straight.... YOU and YOUR child should be your priority.
Best wishes.
ETA: Nice catch Jennifer. I can't believe I fell for it.
Jennifer, same basic story but I don't think the one you are thinking of.
Or maybe I am thinking of a different one. Couldn't bring herself to put down a pet, then couldn't get over the pet, then found the perfect man....
Ya know, there is just so many to chose from, carry on.
Interesting first question.
IMHO, whatever gets you out of your abusive relationship is a good thing. Don't overthink it. Use that desire to your best benefit. Get out NOW.
Cut this other man completely out of the equation. You need to think about what is best for you. If you want to leave your marriage then do so, and get set up in your own life. Then, once the divorce is final and the dust has settled if you want to look up your old friend and see if he is still single and interested then go for it, but end one relationship and learn how to be alone before jumping into the next. JMO.
You didn't find love you found infatuation.
YOU must have something to offer a future spouse. YOU must be able to stand on your own feet and take care of yourself and your child.
YOU must be whole inside so YOU can be a desirable spouse.
YOU must make the choices you do based on these facts. Go to some therapy and talk to this person, they will help you find out what you really want and help you find the strength to be your own person.
A new boyfriend will HINDER your growth, don't do anything for anyone else, do it for YOU>
DIvorce - unless you want to teach your daughter that this is how men treat you. Get therapy - you need to stop looking to other people instead of yourself. Any man who encourages a married woman isn't a good man. Take care of your daughter and yourself. Don't get into another relationship.
There's no excuse for cheating and there's no excuse for putting up with a relationship in which you are being abused.
Divorce first - Seek it now - Call a women's shelter today and start your escape plan - then DO IT.
Then heal up emotionally, raise your child and stand on your own two feet for a few years.
And THEN see about pursuing a relationship.
In that order.
You don't want your child to grow up thinking that what you have now is a normal loving marriage - it's not.
You are not ready for another relationship with anyone no matter who they are.
You have to remember that all relationships start out that way. Everyone is under their best behavior to try and impress the other. I am not big on people cheating, but if you truly think you are in an abusive marriage, then get out.
