I Asked My Husband to Move Out...

I would have to say that NO it was NOT reasonable. You can't expect him to work on the relationship if YOU'RE not willing. It sounds like you're not willing. You're just expecting him to get it and change to conform to your own mental image of the perfect family. That's not real life.

Men aren't as comfortable around babies as women are. It's a fact. They connect better with older children that can be more active. Your daughter's reaction to him is normal too. You're her primary care-giver, so she wants you. Period. Easy to understand.

If your husband were to jump in and do more of the care-taking chores with the baby, she would begin to respond to him. If you were to lay off your husband and be supportive, he would eventually grow up all on his own. You both need to compromise and you both need to be trying to see things from the others' point of view.

This really just sounds frivolous to me. I think you're WAY too ready to just throw your marriage away because you have a few area of discontent. Seriously, most women (and men) deal with far less perfect marriages than you have and they make it run beautifully with hard work, love and understanding.

The MIL situation is a little weird, but look at the bright side. At least she's not up your rear end, telling you how to raise your own child and interfering in every aspect of your lives. So her and your husband haven't cut the apron strings yet...big deal. That's easy to fix. Just get him tied to yours instead. You've got a lot of ways to relate to him that a mother just doesn't have. Instead of pushing yourself OUT of the picture, you need to be painting yourself INTO it. Eventually his focus will shift to where it belongs as long as you make your loving presence felt at all times. (That means NO NAGGING!!) For example: when he's leaving for work, have baby on your hip, give him a big kiss and say "we'll miss you while you're gone daddy and we'll be looking forward to seeing you when you get home!" Big smile, another big kiss. Linger at the door and watch him pull out of the driveway. Just let him know that you love him and need him. That's all most men need to feel totally satisfied with their lives. They just need to know that their lady needs them and depends on them.

Parting thought: Kicking your husband out is in NO way going to help him relate to the baby better.... he needs to be spending more time with her and separate living arrangements aren't going to accomplish that. When he tries to hand her back, gently tell him "This is normal, she'll get over it. She just needs to learn how great daddy can be too. Just hold on to her and take care of her needs, sing to her, read her a book, play with her and you'll be her hero."

Please, go find your husband right now, wrap your arms around him and tell him "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I don't want you to go. I love you and I want to be around you. I want us to be a family. Please stay and we'll work all of this out together." You'll never regret it.

Are you serious? You hit a little bump in the road and you dump him? Most babies like their Moms over their Dads at first. Dads usually don't really get their part until after a couple of kids.

If you want your husband to be a better husband, then you need to be a better wife. Be the wife that he could not even fathom living without. Sounds crazy, but I know it works.

My marriage was so far from anything anyone would ever want. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to leave. Then it dawned on me that love is not a feeling. It is a decision. I began to really love my husband. I stopped keeping tallies of what he did verses what I did. I began working on myself to make myself a better wife. It wasn't easy and it still isn't sometimes but I love him and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he loves me. We have been through a lot over the years. He has held me through serious illnesses and the death of two of my children.

I would have never guessed that the spoiled mamma's boy I married could turn into the man I would never want to be away from. Work it out.

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Based on some of your previous posts....... Perhaps this has more to do with marital issues than with parenting issues. I suggest that you find a local pastor and get some marital counseling.

He will DEFINITELY not bond with his baby if he isn't living with her and doesn't see her! It sounds like you may be stifling any bonding that could occur as well........ (Again, based on your previous posts......)

How old are you all? Early twenties? It sounds to me like he's scared of the baby....my husband wasnt scared or our first and only baby...but he was 43. Age makes a BIG difference.It sounds to me like your husband still needs his Momma to help with what makes him incomfortable.
Give a man a break...be understanding...dont sweat the small stuff (like when and where people 'left' gatherings) If you dont talk to some people, they may not tell you when they are ill, etc. Try and work it out...with a therapist, pastor, impartial family friend...give the baby a chance.
I hope things work out for you...babies can be a HUGE undertaking for those who are not ready.

I can't tell you if your decision was reasonable or not. There is probably a lot more that has gone on that wasn't stated in your post. I just wanted to give you a different view.
My baby is 16 months and is only now starting to have a great bond with daddy, and thats mostly because now they can play with toys together on the floor. There are still days when I am out running errands that he calls and asks a random question that to me is common sense but to him he is totally confused by. She also is probably crying because you left her, which is normal, and it probably wouldn't matter who you leave her with. My baby cries whenever I leave her just because she is so used to being with me everyday all day long for the most part. I would definately give your baby and her father more time to bond. Maybe you have to totally leave the house so he doesnt have the chance to come hand the baby off. He may not have that bond till she is able to run to him, climb on his lap, bring him her favorite toy, grab for some of his food, which is still months from now.
I also want to throw in the factor that having a baby changes everything, its a whole new adventure that changes on a moments notice. Theres always something going on. It is totally chaotic. There is always a new concern with the baby, a doctors appointment, milestones, feeding issues, pooping issues, decisions to make on every little thing regarding this tiny person. It's all stressfull. Just try to realize that what happens with you and the baby, may not by the same, or on the same timeline with him, but it doesn't mean that they will never have a bond. Good Luck.

I don't know. If this were happening to me I'd try other things before asking him to move out. But then I don't know what else he does. You say he's immature. How is this different then when you married him?

The baby of course. Many men cannot relate to babies. Did you try teaching him how to interact with the baby, using a calm friendly manner? Were you accepting of his lack of skill or were you critical?

My grandson's father wasn't interested at all when he was a baby. My daughter was angry and did not try to help him learn. I doubt that he would've been willing anyway. He too was immature.

When my grandson started walking he was more interested and spent time with him. Up until then he didn't even try to interact with the baby. Since my grandson was old enough to watch cartoons and form a bond over them as well as had an interest in ball games and was interactive in a less babyish way with his Dad the two have gotten close.

So, if you asked him to move out primarily because he doesn't know how or make an effort to learn how to be with your baby, I'd say asking him to move out is not reasonable. If his immaturity is affecting your relationship in other ways, perhaps it is reasonable. For me I'd first have to try counseling before I did that.

I recommend that you and he get into marriage counseling. If he won't go, then you go. Eventually he may join you. If he doesn't, you will still have learned about yourself and what you need for yourself and in a mate so that you can make a better choice if there is a next time.

When my husband was father to our first 3, he barely spent time with them as infants and handed them back saying they only want their moms. But he was and is a great father to them. By the time # 4 came a long, he was much better with her and just as able as I am. He still worked outside the home and didn't have a lot of time, but he certainly could relate to her. Now he's a grandfather and my daughter works nights and goes to school days. I'm a child care provider and by the end of the day I am mentally exhausted of children and babies. Grandpa to the rescue. He comes home and that boy idolizes his Grandpa. It takes time for men to learn. They don't have the same instincts we have. Their instincts are supposed to propell them out the door to earn money for us.

Sister....you need to grow up too.

Men really struggle with babies at the early stages. We bond and fall in love and they feel left out and struggle with their mixed feelings about you being not just their lover but a mom. They are not encouraged to play with children especially babies so many of them simply feel incompetent at it. Then every time they try the baby rejects them and their attempts. This is common babies usually want one care giver for a long time. He is in a very rough space for a young man. This is a time to help him know this and support whatever efforts he can make to bond; NOT to reject him even more when it doesn't work out immediately. You both need help. You both need to learn more about father baby relationships and you both need to mature some. Don't throw your baby's father away over your missed expectations.

Ok--this is the same poster that had a question about the MIl inviting herself to everything...dr. appts, outings, etc. Now you're saying she hasn't "called since March" (the approx time of that post. And you're holding it against her.
What in the WORLD does your MIL have to do with your husband or your marriage?
Your hormones are crazy right now. I could have seriously maimed my husband MANY TIMES the first year of your son's life. I was 39 at the time and still not old enough to really realize that a new baby is a super stressful marital event.
It's been said before but men are usually pretty cautious about carting for a baby. They are unsure of what they need, want, etc. It's just a fact. It gets better with time (boy OR girl) but having him move out is not going to better that situation is it? Not at all.
I think there are bigger issues going on here....get yourself some counseling. Or, better yet, go with your husband.

my husband had issues when we had our first.....he just didn't know how to take care of an infant! I taught him everything, sometimes feeling stupid to remind him the baby needed to eat or be changed while I was away. Almost 4 years later and we have two children and another on the way....and he has finally learned how to play with them and be a real daddy. It DOES take time. In my case a few years. But I have seen vast improvement and deep down I see he really does want to include them but sometimes he needs a little reminder of HOW a baby wants to be included. Most men do not think as us women do, and it frustrates me to no end, but they are men and think like men.
I wish you the best and I really don't know the other issues in your marriage, but the baby thing is not reason to ditch your husband.

No.......I don't think asking him to move out was reasonable. Both you and your husband are not required to absolutely love every stage of your baby's life. He may just not know what to do with a baby that age.
I think that both of you have serious maturing to do. Cut him some slack, girl. My friend had to ask her husband to leave because he was abusing her kids......I think she would much prefer that he was just plain indifferent.

Get into counseling and work out some of these feelings.......you will feel much better and so will your hubby!
Good luck!

My husband was very distant, yet eager to play with our newborn, at the time. She was cute, but newborn cute is just something you look at. If he wasn't showing her off to his friends, he really didn't know what to do with her.

I still chuckle at my niece's husband. I was photographing their new born son and asked him to step into the picture. To get some emotion, I told him to talk to the baby and all he could say in some characterized voice was, "Hello little baby". When I asked him to let the baby grasp his finger all I saw was this big thick dirty fingernail move into my frame. So, it is what it is.

You have to imagine, as a mother, you had the chance to hold your baby and bond with her for 9 months prior to her arrival. You already know one another on a much higher level than he does. Further, you were given more nurturing instincts than he was. It is not that he can't nurture, but most men are not quite as nurturing as moms are. I can see that by watching my husbands affection when I am sick. He would really rather I get up than come and sooth me while I am ill. I don't like that, but it is him and when he does try to sooth me, it is not gentle and comforting, it is quick and rather harsh...at some point, I rather he just get away. It is what it is, but don't get me wrong, there are some men out there that are wonderful at this, but not my husband.

If you are feeling this isn't something that is going to work, than perhaps it is best for you to part. However, no matter how far you go, he is Dad and you will have to release her to him and he is going to call his mother. That you will always have to deal with. I remember loving my Grandmother to no end. In retrospect, my Dad used to have us for the day and that was the first place we stopped. I was as excited as could be, but basically, he dropped his responsibilities off with his mother. Really, I thought it was normal.

As for your MIL and her panic of the baby not knowing her, that is for her to deal with. You have to release that. If she wants a stronger relationship with her, she has to work on that. My MIL is just now getting to know our daughter and she is now 4.5. She is in her own little retired traveling world and while it may not be what I want in a Grandmother for my daughter, it is her life. When she comments on the distance between the two of them, I do reply back with, "she just doesn't know you...she will warm up".

It seems you have already told him to leave and that may be the result at this point. In any event, you should seek some counseling or reading for yourself. It is important to realize gender differences, other than the obvious. As well, understand that every household is different and we have no control over that. So while your husband (or any other future man) grew up in one lifestyle, you grew up in another. Of course you will have trouble seeing eye to eye. You have to adjust to one another and must try to understand why you do what you do. You will find this in any relationship in the future, unless you were to marry into family and even then, their lifestyles are different.

It takes time and I can only tell you this from experience. Our relationship started out rough and choppy, with of course the first two most wonderful years of my life, as they were the years we were goo-goo eyed in love. After that, it was personality time.

So while he sounds like he has some childhood and childish issues, I think you have some growing to do yourself. Growing is not a bad thing, you have to be able to see beyond the scope of your own upbringing and surrounding. It was all there when you met him, it was just hidden under the veil of love.

Best wishes.

I have to agree that you are expecting a bit too much from your hubby (and your baby). My daughter is still not nearly as comfortable with her daddy as she is with me and she's nearly 3! FOr awhile she would just scream when he held her instead of me, but she got over it. It's not possible to predict what it would be like if he spent more time with her, and it's not possible to force it. I agree you have to stop fixating on your MIL and think about your relationship, and your feelings for your hubby aside form the resentment over his (natural) fear of caring for the baby.

Also, your hormones probably are still out of whack and as much as you will hate hearing this it's probably affecting your better judgement.

GIven the information in your post and your others, I think you both need to work on your relationship and it isn't reasonable to ask him to leave because he's afraid of parenting a 7 month old. It's not like you will find another man who is suddenly going to dive into parenting your child, after all!

GOod luck to you all!

It's hard to say given the limited information.

As far as the baby is concerned: Do you think parenting classes might help? I know a lot of guys who aren't comfortable taking care of babies- their babies or someone elses. I would look into your community resources. Maybe he just needs to learn how to comfort and nurture her, and find some confidence in his own abilities as a parent.

Before I had my own kids the sound of a crying baby was like nails on a chalk board, and it was hard for me to deal with. It's different with my own, of course, but maybe he's just put off and insecure with his skills.

i think you know in your heart what is best for you and the baby. asking him to leave to make him think and do some growing up fast may just be the thing to do.
i have to tell you though my husband thought we were having boys but we had girls instead. that wasn't the problem for his lack of involvment the first year of their life. it was annoying to death and back that i was left all alone to care for twins, being as inexperienced as i was. i did contemplate kicking his behind to the curb countless times. i just didn't see being able to stay married if we was not going to become a father. then the first year rolled around and he changed. 5 years later he is a catalogue dad. we still talk about what happened that first year and he says he doesn't know for sure but maybe because he had no idea what to do or what babies needed he thought it was best he stayed away and left the care all to me. like i said, i was mad beyond words and the only reason i didn't ask him to leave was because i did not have a single minute to think about it. i am glad i didn't. my girls are totally dad's girls, especially one of them. also, 5 years later i know their needs and wants better than him. he has no idea where their socks are or what foods they like or what ticks them off, but he is better than me playing in the backyard with them, showing them how planting is done. doing daredevil stuff that i don't do or an too scared to propose too do.
if your husband sounds anything like mine then maybe give it another shot. if in your mind things won't change then maybe you made the right decision.
as for his mom, same story here. no interest from her part even though my husband thinks calling her and telling her stories about the kids will awaken her grandma side. it hasn't. and it won't. what i did in regards to her and her lack of interest in our kids, and her butting in into everything else was to cut off all contact with her. i did. i have no contact with her. he knows it, she knows it. they're fine with it. so i am fine with it.
also i am convinced some people are never meant to be mothers, hence grandmothers. she was an ok mom, just that, an ok mom. and she sucks as a grandma but i can't change that. i think i refuse to change that. maybe stop hoping your MIL will see the light and just take it for what it is. concentrate on yourself and the baby. you will feel much better. once you stop thinking about her, you will see that she won't bother you anymore.
good luck mama

Believe me when I tell you the 1st year of babys life is the hardest on your relationship - even if it was great before the baby. My husband and I tried for years to get pregnant so I had much different expectations of how it would be when we got home and his lack of interest was somewhat shocking to me. I would give him his son who he'd hold him for about 10 minutes and then put him in the baby swing. It pissed me off every time. I returned to work when he was 6 months old and hated leaving my son with him because I figured he was spending 80% of the day in the swing. We do not do daycare - it's my husband or me. That being said, the result is I have the most loving little 2 year old that plays so well by himself it amazes friends and family. He developed great independence from my husbands care. The more interactive my son became with age - the more my husband bonded. They are now best buddies and adore each other. I only tell you this because I think the bonding issue may turn as your child becomes more of a toddler and less an infant which men struggle with. At one point - I too was ready to call it quits.

All of that being said, by all of your posts it's clear that your husband was probably treated the same way he is treating your child which is why he's so desperate for his mothers attention even as a grown adult. Forget about his mother - she has her own agenda. I have a similar situation with my MIL who shows no interest in my son until she sees him or we are at a family function - a total farse. I have never kept her away but at this point no longer promote her seeing him by bringing him to her house. I know in her mind she thinks we are keeping him away but if she called tomorrow and asked to come - she could. Problem is - she doesn't even call. Her excuse is that I hate to talk on the phone. Clearly missing the point that it's no possible to chat for an hour on the phone when you have a baby who needs attention. I'm sure you see the same - there is an excuse for everything with MIL's it seems. I see no point of pushing anyone on him that doesn't have his best interest at heart. He has other grandparents that can't wait to see him and only want whats best for him. So don't stress yourself about your MIL - it's really not worth it. Surround yourself and your baby with positive people.

I believe you should have expectations of your husband caring for your child!! Raising an infant is hard and when you add in the lack of sleep etc. you absolutley need a break. Tell him that and that it's not OK for him to bring the baby to his mothers and then go somewhere so he can't hand the baby back to you. If that doesn't work and your fighting all the time - than yeah maybe a separation will help. Just be sure it's what you want because out of the house - he may move on. He sounds like the type that would. As long as your OK with it - than do what you want because you only have 1 life and there is no point spending it unhappy and stressed. It's much easier to be alone by yourself than alone in a relationship. By the time your child is 1 - you will notice just how fast life goes by just by seeing how much they grow in the first year alone.

Based on this and your previous posts, it sounds reasonable and a bit overdue. You don't have a marriage, for starters. Even if he were a perfect dad (which he isn't), you don't have a relationship. So you shouldn't be married since he has no interest in working on anything. Get some really good legal advice and get a temporary support order in place while you pursue separation or divorce. Offer visitation if you want - he probably won't accept it but it probably isn't worth it to withhold visitation. Since you feel your child is not safe with Grandma, you can write into the order that your ex has to be with your daughter at all times when she is in his care. Accept (and ignore) the fact that you will be the "bad guy" in Grandma's eyes. No one can please her anyway, so who cares? YOU know the truth. Find some good friends, join some moms' groups, whatever. Get counseling if it will help you make plans and start to feel better about yourself. You are showing great strength and values, and you need to get support for your decision. If this wakes up your husband, great. But it seems he is pretty well entrenched in his immature ways so you obviously don't have high hopes. It's time to move on. In many ways, it's probably better than you are doing this when your child is young. Good luck to you!

Female Children receive a significant amout of childhood schooling with children. At the same time, male children are confronted by being called a "sissy" for playing house or with dolls. Female children are more likely to be employed as babysitters or caregivers.

Try sharing some secrets of child raising with your husband. Give him the tools to succeed in situations with the child. If he is not successful feeding the baby, give him some tips, or wait until the baby is more hungry and both of you feed the child together.

You seem to have some anger built up with your mother in law and your husband over what you feel they should be doing. Have you ever considered making a list of the duties associated with child maintenance and sharing them with your husband and mother in law?
Expecting others to do what you expect of them works best if everyone knows what is expected of them. Be certain your significant others know what is expected of them before you judge them deficient and increase your husband's skillset.
Good Luck