Husband's Stress Issues

Hi C.,

If he stresses over everything then he could have an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders are often accompanied by stomach problems because the stress and worry cause excess stomach acid.

There are lots of things that could help him. If you can actually get him to do it, yoga can be very relaxing and allow for a physical release for the anxiety. Finding a counselor who can help him learn to recognize triggers for his anxiety, analyze his feelings and responses to triggers so he can head anxiety off at the pass, and de-escalate his anxiety and manage his stress is another really good thing. A psychiatrist that can prescribe anti-anxiety medications might be helpful too in addition to these other options.

L.

I agree that he needs to realize he is a parent and chip in! Yes, he may need a counselor/therapist. I would event suggest hypnotherapy to help him deal with the stress. Yes it's stressful! But it is for you, too! The only suggestion I have (other than having him get over himself and realize that waking up at night is hard for everyone, but we do it) is to ask him to do ALL the household duties for the next year. If he can take care of the laundry and dishes and sweeping and even dinner, you MIGHT be able to handle ALL the nigh feedings, plus the day feedings plus the demands of a toddler, which are many. If he can't parent, he can clean.

It's a partnership. He needs to chip in. Yes, he's going to work and that IS important. But he is a parent, too, and right now he's needed at more than his job. He's needed at his most important jobs and vocations: Marriage and Parenthood. Good luck!

Seems as though the only thing he's giving you is child support money to live on, and you can get that without having to worry about taking care of him, too. ;o) He needs to step up, or step out.

I am a single parent who works 2 full time jobs. I have my day job and my job as a mommy. To be quite honest, I completely have your back. These moms on here that are trying to tell you that you need to lessen his stress and not make him contribute to the care of his children are CRAZY! He helped make those babies and he can damn sure help take care of them. Don't let him try to wiggle his way out of his post-work responsibility. You have a hard job on your hands and deserve to have some help from your husband, your PARTNER!

First of all, anyone with that much stress needs to see a doctor to see how to relieve some of it, while he is there, he can ask about his stomach issues.

Second of all, if your husband helps out, you are not required to thank him. They are his kids and it's his house and his responsibility is to help in every area.

Sorry, but I am a sleep deprived mother and I have zero understanding of your husband who says it's "too hard to wake up". I have injured myself running into walls and doors in the night because, lets face it, waking up is hard for a lot of people. But, we are parents and we take our responsibility!

I'm a bit peeved that someone read your whole story and, instead of having compassion on you, told you to go read a book.
Hang in there honey! I think the absolute first step is for your hubby to get some help!

EDIT* I read one more thing that I would like to address. Your job is NOT to lessen his stress. He is an adult, not some delicate flower that needs to be sheltered. If men need to be treated so carefully, then why are they leading our troops into battle, holding office in our nation, or holding a job that bears any kind of responsibility?
You are not responsible for how he handles situations, HE is!

Sorry, but parenting IS stressful and your husband needs to learn to put on his big boy pants and do his share without trying to make you feel bad about it! Seriously, NO ONE likes to listen to a crying baby- but its his baby and if you already have a 2year old, it isn't like your husband didn't know what to expect!

Have him see a therapist if you think it will help, but it sounds to me like he is just being sort of selfish- particularly if he just thinks its 'too hard' to wake up! Sorry, but there are some things in life- like caring for your children- that you just need to get up and do, stressed or not.

So, I am dealing with some similar frustrations with my own husband. He stresses out, self-medicates with unhealthy food choices in abundance, and then wonders why he is up half the night with an upset stomach. Then, the next day, he's exhausted and unable to help as much as I need because he was up all night. He needs to loose weight, but of course he never feels well enough to exercise (let alone help with chores around the house.) It is a vicious cycle that is driving me nuts.

My husband was also diagnosed with sleep apnea, so of course he contributes all of his problems to that. It is very slow-going to get that condition taken care of, and in the interum, I am doing the best I can.

For you, I would recommend starting him off with his family care doctor to discuss his stomach issues and a possible anxiety disorder. It is very possible they will tell him to start off with a healthier diet and exercise. Hopefully, he'll listen and implement some changes for this good of his family.

First, he may truly have a diagnosable disorder either, mental or physical, that does affect his stomach, so like others said, get him to a doctor and/or therapist--ASAP. However, many parents have things affecting them that make them not quite up to parenting sometimes, BUT HE IS A PARENT. He doesn't get to pick and choose when he wants to be a dad and you NEED his help or else you might as well be a single parent. He doesn't get a repreive because he works full time. When is your break? I'm guessing rarely, if all. However, while things are getting sorted out with him, are there relatives or friends who can at least come over between feedings so you can take a nap? or maybe just take your toddler out for a little bit so maybe you can sleep while the twins sleep? This makes me so mad. I hope he is not complaining about the level of cleaning, cooking, and laundry not being the same--if he is, tell him he can do all that and sleep all he wants!

I certainly feel for you. I had 4 babies in 5 years (all single births). Three of the babies had health issues and did not sleep through the night until almost a year old. I know how exhausted and helpless you feel. During all the time my babies were little, my husband worked nights 6-7 nights per week. I had to do it all on my own. Even when my husband was home, he could not stand the sound of a crying baby. He eventually told me this was due to some "training" he received in the military. He offered to go to therapy to deal with it, but when would he possibly have the time? It was a really rough time for me and for us as husband and wife. It is really hard when you are carrying the entire burden of child care, house cleaning, cooking, etc. It's not fair and it is not right. You have every right to feel the way you do.

That being said, the two of you need to decide what, if anything, you are going to do to tackle this. Tell him it is essential that he help you and you don't want to be made to feel guilty about it. Either he needs to seek help for this, or you need to resolve to do it all yourself. You guys need to figure this out as a couple together. Don't compare your relationship and balance of work to others because it's never going to be fair. Someone always does more than the other person. You are right to ask for help and should expect to get it from your hubby. He needs to see this from your point of view. Good luck and remember sleep filled nights are just a few months away! : )

Seeing a therapist would be a start to helping him. Helping with the children when he's home, full time job or no, sounds fair enough to me. Ideally things should be set up so that BOTH parents get some down time but, for the time being, while the kids are still so young, both of you are going to have to give up some of that down time and that's just the way it is. (In other words, SUCK IT UP.)
Even if there weren't young children to take care of he should see someone, it's no fun feeling stressed out and crummy, why not do everything possible to fix it?
(Raising a toddler plus infant twins sounds like more than a full time job to me! Heck, ONE kid counts as more than a full time job, so you're working triple time. Go you!)

C.,
I don't have twins, but am a close friend to Parents of a toddler and twins. And YES you are absolutely right. It is BRUTAL even with 2 parents involved!!!! I see how hard it is for my friends to take care of their 3 children. In fact, I tried to help them as much as I could when the babies were a few months old but it wasn't enough. They had to get outside help...from family and a babysitter. I'm sorry your husband has his issues but time doesn't stand still for any parent. We have to work 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Your husband should definitely seek therapy for his stress issues. Life does get overwhelming and more so with kids. I went to counseling because of my stress and anxiety issues. It really helped me learn valuable coping skills. It helped me be present, deal, and work out my stress issues and not retreat or withdraw (which may be what your husband is doing). I also did it because I realized that this would help me teach my kids how to cope with stress. In the meantime, maybe you and him can take turns sleeping in on the weekends. My husband and I trade off Saturdays and Sundays. If that's not something he is willing to do then is it at all possible to get a babysitter to come and care for the babies once a weekend while you both sleep in? You also need some time alone together! Or maybe he can sleep in while you take the twins for a morning walk AND vice versa. (Although in all honesty....your hubby might need a reality check...it's nearly impossible when our kids are this little to sleep in) I think its admirable how you care for your twins and toddler...everything else can wait. Everyday that goes by is a day we never get back with our little ones. Continue to empathize with your husband. It might help him even just to say you understand how emotionally hard it all is for him and how his emotional and physical health is important to you BUT just as important is the well being of the entire family. All in all, you can't go it alone....the road of parenting is long and winding, uphill, downhill, with many more challenges to come and your husband is going to need to be ready for it. Now is the time. Good luck and hang in there.
PS I have two kids 1 toddler 1 infant and my husband does a lot of work related travel. I know how hard it is even with a helpful husband.

You don't need to get your husband to a doctor. He can do that himself. Your husband needs to find a way to juggle life as a father. You're working three full time jobs at the same office (your home) with no sick days in sight, so you need to pat yourself on the back, take a deep breath, and assign times for your husband to spend time with his children. He's letting his stress take away from his experience as a father and your and your childrens' experience as a family. And JoAnn C. is way off. You don't need to give your husband a big Thank You for taking care of his own children. The kids are his thank you. The fact that you are doing such a good job is his thank you. Being your partner is his duty and if he needs to see a doctor, or get some counseling then he needs to figure that out on his own. You have enough babies to raise and make decisions for.

He needs to suck it up & stop whining, you have enough kids that whine & cry. I know you don't need to deal with one more thing but I will say it anyway, set up an appointment for him! You cannot wait another minute for him to take control of his problem because you need him to step up & be a helpful parent. He needs to realize you have a lot on your plate & you need help & don't have time for him to be so stressed out. Congrats on your new babies & best wishes.

I think you should read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It's specifically for SAHM's that are having issues with their husbands like you do. Its very insightful and I think it would help you. Good luck.

My husband also tends to stress over everything. This past weekend, his cell was not working correctly, he could not hear anything and the person calling got dead silence. he took it out on dinner, then on the kids, and then when he was sitting outside and decided to come in, he left our 2 yr old outside. He told me she did not want to come in so he came in alone. Seriously?! Anyway, parenting classes may help him learn to deal with the stresses of being a parent-it doesn't end even as they grow up. He also may benefit from seeing a counselor, even if not a psychiatrist. A 3rd party would be seen as neutral and non-judgemental.

Let me just say that I absolutely, love the way you have worded your add on. I recently went for a job interview after staying home with my children for 12 years, the first words out of my prospective employer's mouth was, "Are you currently working?" I told him, " Um, with five chilidren and a husband, I am always working." I also believe that a husband needs to contribute to his family as well, every chance that he can. I agree also with your getting up in the week with the babies since hubby is on a work schedule then....I have twins as well, when they were born, my oldest was not even two yet. I did wake my hubby up to hand me the babies so that I could nurse them in the middle of the night and then he went back to bed.

I think that a psych, or some sort of counseling or support group would benefit your hubby very much. He may just need to know that his feelings are normal. I don't know if you attend a church, if so, maybe he could speak with the pastor, or even an elder member who has been where he is now. Hang in there, this to shall pass. My twins are now 13, it does get easier :) Hope this has helped. Have a wonderful day.

Props to you!!!
What a crazy time in your life right now! But help him realize this is temporary. Take him to whatever kind of doctor you want, but the bottom line is eating right and having a good attitude. I'm sure your frustration comes out to him and I don't blame you, but it's only adding to the problem.
He of course needs to get up with you! Try a calm conversation with him of what you each expect of eachother, if the end result is not right then you will need a 3rd party.
He obviously needs to make some changes in his lifestyle to be healthy, but at the end of the day you can only change you. What do you need to destress? It's a given you deserve some down time. Hopefully you have some family/friends/church you can go to at this hectic time.
Love your husband & love your babies!

If what you husband is telling you is true, then you need to stop making him get up at night on the weekends. I know you may not like that, but you are a stay-home mom and he works full-time. That was the way it was when my kids were babies. I realize that some dads enjoy getting up at night with the babies, but your husband clearly has issues with it and they are health issues. Maybe he stresses when the babies cry because he feels like he either doesn't know how or can't help them. Regardless, until these issues are resolved you need to take this seriously. Do you have a family member who can stay with you on the weekends and get up with you? All those people who said, "if you need anything..." It may be time to take them up on their offer.

I with you C.. It's time for husbands to stop whining about being present when they are home! Yes, they have a lot of responsibility, especially when they are the one source of income. Yes, we expect them to take care of us financially. Just as they expect us to raise the children, keep the house clean, cook, pay the bills, keep the family calendare organized and scheduled, etc etc etc. But why is it that the full responsibility of caring for the children is placed on the stay at home mom when the dad is home? It's like he becomes a child himself, who needs taken care of. I'm pretty sure they marriage vows don't say, "to baby and serve as soon as children come along." If I recall, it was both the husband and wife who created the child. Marriage is a partnership and husbands need to realize that they need to volunteer to do things! ESPECIALLY when our blood pressure is skyrocketing.

Yes, being a mom is a full time job. There is a group called the North Central Parenting Group that could be helpful to you (they also have info on another group geared specifically for "moms of multiples").
I'm surprised that you didn't prepare for this. There are "night nurses" that you could have prebooked that come in nightly so the parents sleep the first month or so moms/dads can function in the day. My sister did that of her (not phoenix though).
If you can afford it hire a live in or someone from 4-8 pm to help clean/+ or kids feed clean bath so you can have dinner with your husband and relax together nightly.
It doesn't make sense for both you and your husband to be cranky and sleep-deprived. Husbands are kinda like children. If something isn't enjoyable they can get tummy-aches/headaches from the stress and really can't function properly.
Maybe you can get him interested in cooking (as therapy). He can start deciding and preparing dinners, it will lead to him grocery shopping, then dishes and laundry. If you slowly get him interested in these things while you handle the kids (keeping them as quiet as possible while he's around) he will feel like he's doing his part and he will be eating better by feeding you and the toddler healthy foods.
planning a bit and getting help (even a relative for a few weeks/months) can do wonders.
Best of luck.
In the long run it is not important whether he ever changes a diaper or feeds a baby or wipes a nose/tush. What is important is how to minimizes stress and keeping the house as calm as possible.

Well, after ten years of marriage (and two kids so far) I've found that the best way to get my hubby to do something is to give him a second, less appealing alternative. Everybody likes choices, right?

So try and think of something else that you would LOVE for your man to do around the house or with the kids and then toss that in there the next time it comes up. "I need your help, honey. Would you like to do [blank] or would you rather do [blank]?" That way, when he's sitting up at night with one of the twins, he'll feel relieved that he's not stuck with what, in his mind, is the more difficult or time consuming job.

And if he picks door number two and you get stuck with night duty on the weekends, at least you'll have something else to show for it. Preferably a nap...

I didn't read through all the comments, but I agree with Steph and Momo14. I have two kids and my husband is a co-parent all the way. When he is home from work, we share ALL duties.

Your DH needs to do what he needs to do to step up to the plate and help you out. If he refuses to do so, then hire some help on the days that you EXPECT him to help you and your problem is solved. Daddy gets to be a lazy-poop head and mommy gets some much needed help. Hire a part time nanny that can come in and help YOU clean, cook and tend to the darling children while daddy lays around on his butt complaining about how life is too much for him. (Remind him what a great role model he is for raising strong future role models, btw.)

While you have the nanny there, hire a manicurist to come in and give you a manicure. Limited on funds? Well, the money will have to come from daddy's clothing and grooming allowance since he is the one that is failing "team family".

I haven't read the other postings, but given your response I am guessing what they entailed and I have to say I feel for you!!! My husband also deals with stress issues and it is hard. My situation does not compare to yours, but when I had just one child, working 3/4 time, and trying to finish my dissertation my husband was having a hard time with his anxiety/panic attacks. I tried everything to be supportive and help him through it, but at times I really felt extremely frustrated. You are right - a full time job is nothing compared to taking care of children - especially three young ones - 2 being twins! I think you deserve some serious R & R on the weekends and yes I think your husband needs to see someone. If he gets so stressed out just when the babies cry - perhaps he can go to therapy to help deal with anxiety and get on some medication. My husband finally got help and got on medication. It took a few months, but then he felt much better and was able to handle alot more - thank goodness. I just want to say I wish you the best and you are a rock star!

Hi C.,

I also highly recommend, as did Faith H., you read (or maybe listen on audiobook) "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I read it & it's helped me in similar extremely stressful marriage/raising children situations. The book has given me a complete paradigm shift. The humorous title and respectable author initially sold me on it, but after reading it I take it very serious and recommend it for any fellow Mommy who seriously wants that loving, helpful & satisfying relationship with her Life Partner.

I'm a psychotherapist myself & I suggest that sending your Hubby for counseling is likely not going to change much. A relationship takes 2. Start with what YOU DO have control over -- and you DO have very much control over the direction this relationship will go. The future is in your hands. Read/listen to the book. It can change your life if you let it.

Also, hiring a local schoolgirl babysitter to help out isn't a bad thing. Ours lives right down the street & she loves the $5/hr I pay her for an hour or three a week. Sometimes Mommies just need time to breathe! (And so do Daddies!)

I've been in your shoes; that is why I'm compelled to respond to your post.

Best wishes to you and your family.

.

Honey! I am so sorry that you're exhausted!! I know how you feel. I have three boys, ages four, three, and five months. My five month old has some health issues and still is not sleeping through the night. I'm exhausted. I can't even imagine if he was twins!!! You're right about the high energy during the day (and NOT 9 to 5, mind you) and then sleepless nights. I breastfeed, so my husband can't get up at night to help. But if I WASN'T breastfeeding, I can guarentee that it would be appropriate for him to take at LEAST one night on the weekends. Does your husband help with other things? we actually had a huge arguement last night about my hubby's avoidance of the baby all together. He has changed maybe a total of 5 diapers in five months, has never given the baby a bath, and as soon as he starts to fuss, he hands him back to me. As moms we need someone we can rely to "tag team" with us to keep our sanity! You need to feel like you have a PARTNER in parenting.. .someone that's backing you up and supporting you when you need help. Sounds like your husband needs to deal with an anxiety issue. Have him see a therapist!! These kinds of things are super easy to manage!! Good luck, sweetie. I hope you get some much deserved rest soon.

As a SAHM to 5 boys I say yes, you do have more than a full time job yourself. Especially with young twins. However, you need to respect your husband and his limits. If he is saying he can't handle waking up to help with the twins then he can't. Don't try to push him or he'll just end up resenting you and the little ones.
Yes, it would be wonderful if he would come home and get straight to work helping you with the kids and house, but the truth is that most men aren't like that. God has given you a special annointing as mother. The annointing of father is different. I'm not saying you can't ask him for help. But you need to ask and give a BIG thank you when he does help. Appreciate his effort and he will want to do more. Make your goal to lessen his stress, not add to it.