How the Heck

I know this may not fix the problems ya'll have but this is what reconnects me and my husband- date nights and going away on vacation together with out the KIDS.

This sounds a lot like what I went through after having my first child. I think you do need to sit down with him, after the kids go to bed but before the two of you go to bed. Lay everything on the table. Don't be afraid to be 100% truthful - don't hold back anything - and let him know that you are thinking of cheating or divorce, and tell him why. (But do it respectfully!) Our marriage counselor had us read two books. One is "Boundaries in Marriage" and has a work book that goes along with it. The other is "His Needs, Her Needs". They helped us tremendously!!!!! If he won't go to counselling, see if he will at least take a look at the books with you in an effort to save your marriage. She also suggested sex toys for the both of us.

One thing our counsellor told us, is that before we can be great parents, we have to be happy ourselves. Whether that happiness is found together or apart is up to us, but we can't call it quits until we have tried everything. Cheating is not an option, and if it comes to that, then divorce first. All men have problems, but some are easier to overlook than others.

I wish you all the best!

Whatever you do, DON'T cheat on him! That will make the problem worse. Please seek professional help from a licensed marriage and family therapist.(LMFT) Do an internet search on the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.

Pornography is an addiction like gambling, alcohol, etc. Please know you didn't cause this, it is not your fault. Your husband is not a bad person, he just needs help.

Blessings and best of luck!

It sounds like there is more going on here than just problems in the bedroom-that is usually a sign that something else is not quite right. First you need to decide to be committed or not and quit toying w/ the idea of divorcing if you want help b/c going back and forth is not helpful. If you are committed you need to seek some couples help, either through a trusted older couple or counselor. Nothing is going to be solved by just giving up when you say that other things are going well, you may just trade one problem for another and your kids need to see you giving things a chance to work. Also, your husband might be more interested in being w/ you if you don't put him down (I've learned this the hard way, men need respect the way we need love/affection). Just b/c someone does something different doesn't make it wrong and there are as many ideas about childrearing as there are parents. Try communitcating and discussing differences instead of fighting-remember that your girls are watching closely to see what an adult relationship should be.
I don't know what your beliefs are but there is only One person I know of that can truly fill me up, and its not my husband. Its my Creator.

Wow....I wish I could give you an answer, but I have no idea why he would prefer m*********** over sex. Maybe there is some other problem in his mind that is keeping him apart from you. You and him should consider talking to a counsellor together.

I won't waste your time with a speech on how divorce is a word that is thrown around like it is something that is easy to do, so, I'll only suggest this:
Two words, marriage counseling.
Keep your chin up, you'll get through this.

Honestly, in my opinion, life is too short not to be happy. If you've tried everything and NOTHING works, then I would definatetly think of possibly seperating. Especially if he's pleasing himself, then he's kinda showing you right there that he doesn't really need you. In terms of other problems, I know that I'm not telling you anything new by saying that there are alot of great guys out there. And if the kids are a worry as well, it's hard in the beginning, but better in the end. My folks divorced when i was a kid and it was so much better nt hearing them argue all the time. It didn't make for a very happy household. Just an opinion from one mom to another. Good luck with life! :)

S., my husband & I have been married 12 years. We have a 5 yr old and an 8 year old. My husband & I were in the exact same boat you're in by the time we hit our 8th wedding anniversary. We had even filed for divorce.
Long story short,.. the divorce never happened & we are 100 times more in love with each other now than ever before. There is a LOT that I'd like to share with you, but for right this second,.... I just have to tell you.... that I JUST finished reading about these EXACT subjects in a "Marriage Partnership" newsletter that was sent to me several days ago. So weird! It just can't be a coincidence that I read this article just before opening your mamasource email. Here it is: http://www.christianitytoday.com/marriage. Go to that website & read the article titled "Real Sex: Size Does Matter". There are also some other really informative things in the left margin to click on & read about. It's pretty cool. Let me know what you think!
C.

I don't have much advice, but don't cheat on him! I don't think that's fair. Tell him that you have thought about cheating for what ever reasons but that you love him too much to do that so you are telling him now again what you need and that if he doesn't show any effort in this area that you will leave, let him know how serious you are. Men arn't always the sharpest tools in the shed and they often need it spelt out for them. Good Luck!

Im not gonna even give a long speech b/c thats not needed..

Simple answer:
1. get counsel
2. get divorce

Cheating is not the way, think of your children..b/c if u do cheat and he finds out and u do get a divorce he will use that again you in court, and you will be the bad guy. So think about your actions b/f you act out!!!!

The grass is NEVER greener on the other side!!

Hi S.,

My advise would be to tell him again and again what you expect from the bedroom. Men in general are idiot =)they often don't understand what you are telling them until you beat it into them. It sounds like there is a communication breakdown somewhere. Maybe seek counselling if trying to communicate doesn't work. If you are telling him he's stupid, that may also be a problem. I honestly feel if you can communicate about everything in your relationship maybe there will be a spark somewhere if you can agree there is a problem in your marriage. Would you divorce him be a surprise to him? Would he be blind sided by it? There are so many factors that could be causing your drama. I'd also suggest reading Dr. Phil's book Relationship Rescue, it's AWESOME!!

I hope this helps??

Take care and good luck! M.

It seems like you've already had a bunch of responses, but I just wanted to tell you to not give up. Marriage is forever and I will say a prayer for you.

My advice is to be honest with him. Tell him that if he doesnt give it to you then you might resort to finding it somewhere else. What's really sad is that there are only so many good years of sex in life, and at your age you should be having the best sex ever, especially with your husband who knows your body and all your favorite spots to touch (well he should anyways.) I'm all about making a marriage work, but sometimes you need to step out of the box and really analyze where you are going in life. No matter what you decide, just don't go into another relationship on a rebound. You need to find yourself first. You also have your kids to think about as well. Good Luck! I hope whatever you decide, it will make you happy.

Stick with him if he's a good man. Try having a calm, honest, completely open conversation with him about your needs and concerns, being careful that he doesn't feel attacked. Cheating doesn't help. It's just jumping from the frying pan into a fire.

Best wishes~

Hi S....my name is C.. Girl friend, we have similiar troubles. Let's chat, we may be able to help each other by exchanging advice!!! Email me at ____@____.com husband and I have been married 6 years. Our sex life sucks!!!

Why did you get married?? You said you THINK you love each other, that is a big problem right there! It seems like you have tried everything to get things rolling. Have you told him you have contemplated cheating and divorce because of his lack of effort? I had a friend who was in a similar marriage. They loved each other, he was sweet, took care of her, but the romance was non-existent-I don't think he even masturbated! She tried everything as well, including counseling, unfortunately-they are divorced. I cannot imgine that mastubating is better than the real thing-for a guy! Good Luck on this one.

i'm sorta having the same problems i've been married for only three years though!!! And we have a two sons one turning 15 months and the other turning 3 months. The masterbating part is what im having a problem with, he does it because i don't want to do it like five times a day!!! And that we cuss in front of the children when we agrue everyday!!! If you haven't asked him straight up why he doesn't want to have sex with you, then you should so you can hear what he has to say about whats wrong with the sex, so you guys can improve together, and try to agree on whatever the problem is!!! It sounds like you love each other its just that you guys are just having problems with the physical side of the relationship.You can try that for a couple months and see where that goes!! Have you guys used toys and things to that nature yet?!!! Well I hope i gave you some good advice!!!

I am finding myself in a similar situation but not quiet the same. Since the baby, my husband doesn't want sex at all!!!
No cheating...you will only feel bad and it won't help. I would advise marriage counseling and a good vibrator!!

S., First things first. He has got to stop yelling in front of those girls. For every one time a parent yells and cussees at a child, it takes 1000 "that a girls" or "that a boys" to get back what a parent has taken away from yelling and being stupid. He's a banker, he can't be that stupid, but he is ignorant in his raising of these girls. Both of you, first and formost, have to get on the same page, as far as how you are going to raise your daughters. Counseling is absolutely what the two of you need. You need to find out, also if any lasting emotional damage has been done to the girls self-esteem. I am 42 years old, and have a 20 year old son, a 19 year old son and a 17 year old daughter. These are all my children, had them in my 20's, and have been married for 21 years. My husband is always affectionate. He loves me. Now, I'm not always as affectionate as I should be toward him, and that is selfish on my part. Sex, once a month, and he's pleasuring himself. He's SELFISH! Don't divorce. You've brought two other people into this world. But, please, for everyone's sake, go to COUNSELING, and don't make the excuse that you can't afford it. Go to a Pastor, someone who can be objective. He's not acting right, and you do not deserve it. After you've exhausted every effort, and he continues to behave this way, then you may want to consider seperation. He may have a low self-esteem regarding his size, but there are things that can be done about that, and if he really cares about you, there are other things one can do in the bedroom. Keep your chin up, and I hope everything turns out fine. But, please, keep an eye on those girls. You may not think that they are listening when ye goes off on a rage, but they are, and they will take this with them to school, and think about it at night. Think of them, and I hope that your husband won't be too selfish to see that not only is he hurting his marriage, but he could potentially be destroying his daughter's self-esteem.

Hi S.,

Sorry you have to go thru something like this. I would advice to try some counseling first. It sounds as though you aren't sure if he is even in love with you. I hate to say it but the fact that he would rather masturbate rather than to have you is a VERY big red flag that something is wrong with his way of thinking. Try counseling and see if the counselor can find out why he would rather do it that way. It could be a child hood thing, maybe he needs some healing.

Good luck and pray a lot.
S