I am in the state of sadness/confusion/and not knowing how to fix this. My four year old son just told me tonight that he didn't like his new baby brother. We were taking pictures of the kids together for the baby announcements, and the baby started fussing, I was explaining to my oldest son that we needed to take serious/smiley pictures and not goofy ones because I was going to use them to send to all our family and friends, and may be perhaps with me nagging him about that, taking several pictures, and the baby fussing, he starting crying himself. Not knowing what was wrong, I asked him. He said that he didn't want to take pictures any more. During our conversation he said he didn't like pictures any more (and this is unusual for him to say this), and that he didn't like his baby brother because he doesn't get to play toys with his daddy like he use too. And granted that is true, but he does get to play toys with his daddy, but just not as long/often as he use to. And we have kept him included in taking care of the baby, and every time we took pictures of the baby, he was always included...just don't know what happened tonight and it makes me very sad knowing that he feels that he doesn't like his baby brother, nor likes to take pictures any more. And he doesn't want me to use the pictures of him and his brother in the announcements, only his baby brother.
Will his feelings of this go away? Is this just some sort of phase he's going through because there is a new addition to the family and he's having a hard time adjusting? Or am I doing something wrong? I don't want my son to feel this way. I want him to be happy with his growing family. I guess it's hard to understand what kids go through when new additions to families arise and how they feel being as they don't have the skills to really communicate their feelings at four years old.
Any advice, or encouragement will be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much!
Hang in there, it's completely normal. My son was also 4 when my daughter was born he ask to trade her for a puppy for about a year. It's completely normal for them to not like the change, just remember to spend time with him alone. It does get better, they are really close now. (7 and 4)
It's OK, mama. The baby is no big deal to him (can't run or play or climb) and he doesn't understand what all of the fuss is about. Let him talk to you about what he can communicate and let him feel however he feels. All of my children did this when they were the ones being replaced as the baby. It's a difficult time for your little guy, but it won't be long before they are enjoying each other and playing and fighting, just like brothers! :)
Help him to get involved with the baby in ways he likes. One of my children didn't like the new baby too much, but loved to pick out her baby sister's clothes every day. She also wanted to be the baby - wanted me to rock her and put her in the crib, which I did while she was making this transition. Be patient - it won't be like this forever.
Congratulations! Boys are a blast! :)
Hi G.,
You are not alone my dear, and your son's reaction to the baby VERY NORMAL!
My Daughter is 4 1/2 yrs. older than my son. She prayed for a sibling and was so excited that I was finally pregnant. I even took her to the store to pick out a gift for her Baby Brother for her to give to him the first time Daddy brought her to the hospital. I also had a very special gift for her from her Baby Brother (something she really wanted and to this day she still remembers what that was). I had it all planned and of course had to remember to bring the gift with me to the hospital to have it ready when she came to visit Mommy and Baby. She of course, was excited and wanted to hold him etc..
However, that all changed when we got home and the novelty of Baby Brother wore off and reality set in. Her world went upside down quickly and she plain got angry. My mother in law came to help for a couple days and had to have a talk with me to say that my daughter had asked when we were going to finally take him back to the hospital!! I truly hurt for her and put myself in her shoes. Plus as new moms were still pretty emotional with the hormones and all. I cried but then my husband and I just really made it a point to spend even more time (when I was not nursing)with her and truly make it quality time. Plus make sure and talk and reassure her of our love and the changes that were occuring but that it would get better and soon she would be able to play with him. In retrospect I think the only thing I would of changed was to make her more a part of me nursing. But I wanted to be modest because It was difficult nursing both of my children. I was never one of those Moms that could nurse comfortably in public. They would distract very easily so I primarily did it in a quiet place alone.
Another difficulty for her to understand was that she wanted a playmate not a Baby. I tried to always make her a part and be a helper to Mommy. I would also say "Mommy does not know how she would do it without all her help"!
Well, they are now 10 and 5 yrs. old and truly are the best of buds and truly love eachother. My daughter looks out for him and sometimes can mother too much. My son worships the ground his Sissy walks on.
So hang in there. This too will pass.........
Enjoy them both!
A.
What your older son is feeling is natural. It's a difficult adjustment when a new baby arrives and the reality of having to share his parents is hard.
It sounds like you are going in a good direction. Keep talking to him about his feelings, spending time with him, including him in things involving the baby, etc. Don't force the issue. Things will evolve. Your son obviously has loving, supportive parents to help him through this transition and he will be a loving big brother.
Hi G.-
I would agree with everyone else. It's an "in the moment" thing. Your older son is still very young and probably misses the attention that he got before the baby came.
My son was 4 when his sister was born. He adjusted really well. The only time he had problems was when strangers would say how cute the baby was without even looking at him. Before her, he was always the cute one and always got praise from people about how well behaved he was before she was born. He felt that he was invisible to people when we would go out in public. ( I always made a point to tell him that he was handsome and a good big brother when a person overlooked him).
I'm telling you this because after that we started taking turns speding time with him alone. I would take him to lunch/dinner or his daddy would take him to the store and for ice cream so he still had some alone time with us.
You seem to be doing everything right. Just keep telling him what a great helper he is when he helps and tell others what a big help he is so he can hear it a lot.
Good Luck. I bet you will be just fine. Sounds like he is comfortable enough with you to talk to you about his feelings, which reflects well on his parents. Good Job Mommy!
IT IS SO NORMAL:)
Let him know you are adjusting too and there are things that you have had to change in your life as well being that the new baby is here. Does not mean you dont like the new baby just means the whole family is making changes.
He is allowed to be frustrated with the baby and the changes- this is the only way he can explain it- better that he has words than if he were 2 and just hits the baby because he cannot express himself. IT is great that he can use his words to tell you how he feels:)
Think if your husband brought home another wife- how would that change the time you spent with your husband- you might be mad too- hee hee
Hugs,
D.
Sounds like what is going on is perfectly normal. Someone sent my daughter the book "I'm a Big Sister Now!" It was great. It focuses on what is special about her because there is a new baby. They have a big brother version. Maybe he needs a playdate with Daddy or you, or each of you. It sounds like you are doing all of the right things to encourage him to be a good big brother. When you see him doing the slightest, nice thing for the baby (holding a bottle, showing a book, picking up a dropped toy) PRAISE him! Start with any small thing. He will soon look to get more of that and then he'll be in the habit of being a good big brother. My daughter loved baby-ing our son. She even potty trained her baby dolls when we potty trained him. Perhaps a doll/doll like (a lot of people are more comfortable with their son having a stuffed monkey instead of a doll) snuggly would help. Good luck. It will get better.
I had to smile when I read your post! This is completely normal.
I was almost four years-old when my fussy, demanding sister was born. I asked my mom and dad to send her back MANY times. I had been the adored baby for almost four years and the adjustment was hard for me. The whole family was stressed because she was such a fussy, unhappy baby. Fast forward forty years and now she is my best friend. She is also a smart, generous soul. Yes, I wanted her gone for many years but I learned what familial love really means in the process. My advice is to have patience with your four year-old. Plan some time one-on-one time for him and other family members so he can relax and be himself. I can only guarantee that they will "have their moments" as they grow-up. Sibblings tend to tussle. After all, it is called "sibling rivalry" for a reason!
Sounds kinda normal. Suddenly he is second fiddle. I would encourage him to continue to talk about his feelings. Tell him it is ok to feel this way (at least he is not taking it out on his brother). Maybe try to have a couple of hours set aside (on the weekend ?) where he can have just one-on -one time with one of you to make him feel special. Maybe take him to story time at the library (away from baby) or even to the park or even just in his room without being disturbed. Did he think the baby would be able to play with him right away? Did he have different expectations ? Perhaps you could spend time reading to him while you feed the baby. I always kept a basket of books near where I feed the baby so we could read together. Check for some good kids books out there on this topic. You'll all get through it !
totally normal - a little thing called jealousy. you just have to be careful to teach them how fragile the baby is though because jealousy can be dangerous at 4 - he wouldn't intend to hurt the baby but is too young to not keep a good eye on. good luck and best wishes.
My 4 yr old was 3 when our youngest was born. She said that on a daily basis from the time the baby was 2 months old till she was about 8 months old. When she would say that we would remind her that it wasn't polite and ask her if it would hurt her is someone said that about her. She would say, "I don't care, I don't like her!" We didn't pay much more attention to it than that. We did take extra precaution to make sure she didn't hurt the baby. Then one day the baby was laughing at something she did. At dinner that night she proudly announced, "Daddy, we can keep the baby. I like her now!" It hasn't been a problem since. I think some kids just have to go through their own way of dealing with not being the baby anymore. Give it time, he'll come around.
Hello!
We have a 4 year old and a 9 months old. While our older daughter has not said this out loud, I know that there are times she does not appreciate the baby being around and taking "her" time from us, especially in the beginning. We try hard to give her alone time with mom and dad, though that does not always happen and not every day. We try to respect her feelings and do not harp on it at the same time. We still have those moments, but since baby is able to sit up, it is easier for the two to play together which makes it more fun for the older one.
I think it is great that your son feels secure enough that he can express that he was not happy AT THAT MOMENT. It will get easier as the changes become more routine for everyone.
Besides, I find picture time very stressful myself, because it just has to be "perfect" and with little kids, there is just no such thing : )
Hang in there and give your big kid a big hug!
D.
Dear G.,
I feel a bit of your heart ache right now...and I don't even have a second child of my own. I have a new job babysitting a newborn and my three year old daughter is having a hard time sharing me with her.
It sounds like you are doing a good job trying to make the transition from only child to older brother...but it is just hard, I think. I do not have specific ideas...but any time you or your husband can spent alone with your son...and call it special time just for him...might make him feel special again. You might show him his own baby pix/announcements to show that this sort of attention is what you did for him too.
Little kids do not have a lot of room for conflicting emotions. They have a hard time seeing gray areas. "I feel conflicted about this new baby's presence" is not something you will hear from one so young...but that may be what he's feeling.
I do not babysit everyday but I was surprised when daughter said on a non-work day (tearfully) "I want to go see the baby." She must like something about the baby...just not the long stretch of time and effort involved when we are there. Maybe it goes with having a shorter attention span.
Good luck
4 yr olds emotions are all over the map and change as quickly as the clouds. It is really good that he is willing to tell you how he feels but don't worry. This is pretty normal. After he has had a nap and a snack he will be in love with the little one again.
Get some one on one time and tell him how glad you are that he is big so he can spend time with you. That one day the baby will be big enough to play big stuff but not yet. Let him have time to be proud of being big and he will be read to bounce back to your sweet character he has always been.
My two older children were 7 and 10 when my last baby was born, so they were able to express their ideas much better. The oldest one day said that she really missed the days before the baby was born, when I had more time for her. She cried too, which really broke my heart! Your entire family is going through an adjustment right now that only time can mend. In a few months when the baby takes less of your time and can interact with your son, he will learn to love him. It sounds like you are doing all the right things involving him and spending individual time with him. Keep going and things will get better. P.S. The idea about taking individual photos of your 4 year old is a good one! Let him be goofy in some of them if he wants just for fun.
Hi G.,
I think it's probably a phase, although I don't have a second child yet. I have a 5 1/2 year old and am due for my second child in October. It sounds like you have done a lot to include your son in the baby's early life. Kids don't often like change and it is probably becoming more real that the new baby is going to be here for good. This was probably not as tangible when you were pregnant. It may take some time for him to adjust.
I wouldn't be too h*** o* yourself. It's only been a month and I'm sure as the baby gets older and a little self-sufficient, you'll get more time with your oldest. Perhaps you should make some special time with your oldest child right now and specifically tell him that this is your "mommy time" with him. Try to be consistent and do this every day and then see how things go.
Good luck!
Hi, G. -
Please don't be sad. From my perspective, what your son is expressing is completely normal. It's a good thing that he was able to express his feelings, but please know that he was expressing his feelings for that moment only. A sibling is a gift for a lifetime, so just love him through these difficult transitional moments, and try to keep the bigger picture in your mind.
Enjoy those beautiful boys!
Four-year-olds know about owning something and are learning to share. They ask why a lot and analyze relationships. He needs to know that you love him even without his brother. You should take a picture of him separately and tell him something about just him that you really like. Tell him that you will never stop loving him and that you will still have time for just him, but we all have to share - even time. Set aside a certain time that is just for him, even if you have to get a babysitter. Then be sure to spend time with just the baby, so that he knows each of them are special. You are already doing well with involving him in the baby's life and taking pictures - including him in all that. Just also give him time alone. Good luck!
