FRIENDSHIP - Do I Have the Right to Be Upset?

She likes you as long as she can use you and it's only one way.
This is not a friendship.
Beat her to the punch line and block her number.
Find someone else to donate the out grown clothes to and just give her all the peace and quiet she's looking for.
In short - drop her like a hot potato.

Some people suck and she is a user. I would not respond to her texts, not answer her calls (who has time to spend 45 minutes on the phone??) and just basically ignore any requests from her. Completely ignore. Think you can do it? I would if I were you.

If this person was family, maybe I'd think you should keep trying, but she sounds like a complete narcissist and you need to move on. It's the perfect time to stop communicating with her...and just let things slowly fade. You need friends who support you.

No you should be elated. You just had a parasite that got rid of itself.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

She has shown you for years that she is a taker and a user. You keep being generous and reaching out, but it's not reciprocal.

So while your feelings are completely understandable - you had a family emergency and she wasn't there for you - I think you are more disappointed than hurt. She's never given to you, so it's not like she's taking something away now. What you are losing is not the friendship, but the HOPE for a friendship that you have cultivated for years. It just never bloomed.

If she called when my son was so injured, there's no way I'd have spent 45 minutes on the phone with her. I'd have said, "I'm sorry, but Jimmy and I just got home from the ER, and he needs me. Talk to you another time. Bye."

Don't call her. Not because she told you not to, but because she is not, and has never been, your friend.

Cultivate some friendships with others in your neighborhood or among your children's friends' parents. You've missed out on some terrific, giving people by devoting years to this woman.

And why did you put in the part about changing your name because she has an account here? That's waving a red cape in front of the bull. From the high level of detail in your post, it's very clear that she will know you are talking about her if she reads this. If you think this will wake her up and make her change her ways or apologize, I think you are still having fantasies that somehow this relationship can change. It cannot.

The only thing you've done 'wrong' here is to assume she would reciprocate if only you did enough to 'deserve' it. But she's not like you. Don't let someone so selfish hurt your feelings. Don't think she can change her ways. The only things that can change here are your attitude toward her and your actions. Don't waste another second letting her wear on you. If you stay hurt, you keep putting energy into this relationship, which has no hope of being more than it has been.

Ignore her, don't answer her calls, unfriend her from Facebook, don't offer to pick up her grandkid, don't save another piece of hand-me-down clothing, nothing. Don't pick a fight, but don't invite one either. You know those annoying telemarketers you just hang up on? Same thing here. Invest nothing more than you have already. Somewhere there are some terrific people who would love to have someone like you as a friend.

So if you call her, she'll block your number FOREVER?! Do it. Call her. Call her a lot. Pray that she follows through on her threat. Good riddance.

Sorry, she sucks as a friend.

Maybe you *should* call, and then she'll block you forever. Problem solved.

Of course you have a right to any feelings that you have.

The question is - what are you going to do about it?

I can only tell you what I would do myself, and I would not call or communicate with her again. I wouldn't announce it to her, or even talk to her about it. I would just fade off into the sunset, never to be heard from again. :P

To me she sounds like a "taker." That's not a friendship relationship. Healthy friendships are two-way streets.

JMO.

WOW. If this is all true, she is something else. She is a poster here too? Another wow.

Okay. As to your question, WHY are you asking the question? You're not an idiot. Of course you know you've been taken advantage of. Of course you know that your feelings should be hurt. She has been quite happy to have all your help, but never meant it when she said she was willing to reciprocate. Now that you're pushing her to reciprocate, she throws down the gauntlet.

The REAL reason you have written this here on MP is to stick it in her face because she's acting so badly towards you. And you're getting satisfaction for posting this because people will ask you who she is.

Never call her again. Block HER number. And expect her to send you nasty notes here on MP if she sees this post. Don't bother to read them or answer her back. She is not a friend. She's a user and you need to walk away from her, period.

I don't understand why you couldn't use your regular account. No need to worry if she's on Mamapedia..who cares if she is? Certainly she doesn't care about your feelings or she wouldn't treat you like this. She wasn't there for you in an emergency, she's not only NOT a good friend, she's no friend at all! I'd be blocking HER number now & I wouldn't care if she blocked mine or not. Oh, and I'd be done passing on clothes to her, picking up her mail etc..I'd write her off totally. She doesn't deserve a good friend like you.

My mom always used the quote, "You want a friend, you have to be a friend." Your "friend" isn't a friend at all.

I think you do, but I also think you have confirmation that you are not a friend, you are just someone she conveniently uses for things she wants and to bash her daughter. I would not contact her again by MY choice. Good riddance. No true friend would say anything like that. Please just move on and let her slide out of your life.

Yes, you have a right to be hurt. Friendship is a two-way street. You don't have to keep score you just do things to help out the other other than handing them clothes.

She said no to your requests and kept on on her issues. She is not into you. I had a friend who I tried to do things with but she couldn't. So after trying for a bit more, I dropped her. She has never called me to see what or how I am doing so I knew it was the right thing to do.

Another friend of mine was a friend for a season or reason and when that was completed I was dropped like a hot potato. No clue she was doing this it was just done. That one hurt deeply as we had been friends for over 10 years. But when one door closes another opens.

Let her be the first to call if she decides so. If she asks why you haven't contacted her, let her know your feelings and be prepared to have the relationship terminated.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

PS Life is too short to be going through all these hurdles to have friends. Friends should come naturally. Find a few hobbies or take a class and find new folks.

Yes, you should be hurt and upset. And honestly, it sounds like to me that she's actually ending the friendship. If she isn't ending it, then her threats would be ending it for me.
Unless her husband is Rip Van Winkle, this request is just over the top. Talking on the phone is a normal part of every day life. For her to go to that extreme to threaten to block your number seems like she is checking out on your friendship. You sound like a good friend, so bestow your friendship upon others that are worthy of you.

WOW. She is not a friend. I would end the relationship.

Your feelings can be hurt but I'd sever this friendship right now!
Sounds like she's using you & it's a one way street.
She does nothing for you.
You don't really knoher so I'd cut ties.
I know a family like this & stopped doing things for them as they just
wanted to use my niceness. Done.
Friends do things FOR EACH OTHER so just let her go.

Move on....that woman is not your friend...and if she calls looking for something, you're busy....hell, I wouldn't bother answering the phone!!!

She sounds depressed. Depressed people do not sit around and cry, instead they cannot be easily motivated. Sleeping at odd hours. Overwhelmed by last minute requests. She may not even realize it. I am not making excuses.
I am also wondering if she is an abused wife? The husband story is very odd.

I have friends that I do all types of things to help them each time they call,but when I ask, they never seem to be available. So frustrating, because I do not ask for help very often. But when they do end up helping, they go over and above.

Your time is precious. You give from the heart not really expecting pay back, but it would be nice in these really important times.

Maybe it is time to give this friendship a rest, then figure out if you miss her enough to accept her as she is.
Glad your son is going to be ok.

It hurts when we realize that someone we thought was a friend uses us. This woman was never really your friend since real friends don't do these things.

I would cut her loose and leave it at that.

You have the right to any feelings you want. Everyone has that right. Not sure why you are questioning your feelings when the issue here is really what your actions will be next.

I would take her at her word in that message and not get in touch with her again. If and when she is ready to contact you, let her contact you. I agree with the poster that she might be depressed -- if there are things you like about her, try to give her the benefit of the doubt here and say, "Hey, maybe this is not about me, and not about her always saying no to what I ask, but maybe her head is somewhere else entirely." Then let it go.

If she gets in touch later and acts offended -- along the lines of "You knew my husband hasn't been well, why didn't you call to see how he was? How I was?" -- well, first try not to want to throttle her for contradicting herself. Then sweetly say, "Your message on (date) said you were asking me not to call and I wanted to honor your request to keep things quiet for Joe." Silence. See what she says. I know people who would do something like say "do not call me at all" and then later accuse you of being cruel for not getting in touch....

You could, out of friendship from your past together and just basic civilty, send a get-well card to her husband and at the same time a "hi there, I hope his recovery goes well, call me later when things are calmed down" card to her. And then do nothing else.

The things with not rushing to help and then pick up your son -- well, is it possible that she heard "cut" and didn't realize the severity of it or just didn't grasp how far away you were at that moment? Same with picking him up if she knows he usually walks; she may have figured, oh, he's sixteen, he can do his routine walk home with a cut finger (though I bet she would not have articulated it that concretely in her head). I'm actually not saying you overreacted -- I would have done what you did in both those cases! -- but I can see objectively how some people would think you were overreacting in the heat of the moment. Just something to consider here. But still, she has given you an out for a cooling-off period which I would take, if I were you.

This lady is not your friend. I would consider your relationship to be acquaintances even though you have known each other for a few years. She sees you as someone who she can get things from and who will do things for her, especially since it sounds like her daughter might not always be available to fill that role. However, those times that you ask for help, the fact that she is unwilling to do so says volumes. A true friend would be eager to help someone out who has helped them in the past. I don't think that keeping a scorecard is what you're doing, but friends help each other out. She's not living up to that end of the expectations.

The message about blocking your number would be the final straw for me. People who like each other simply do not do that. She's crossed one too many boundaries with that.

This woman is NOT your friend. She is a user. Don't waste any more time on her.

I'm with Kristin C (below). She sucks as a friend. Lose her number fast!!!!!

I would say she fished her wish and don't ever call her again. She sounds like a terrible "friend"

I understand why your feelings are hurt but honestly she is not worth it.

I think I would call, just to be blocked forever and not deal with her anymore.

But I also agree that no matter what account you created, she will know who you are because your story is so specific...good luck with that.

She is not your friend. She was happy to take from you what she could, and now that you request something from her she is out of the picture. Be glad you never gave her more than your discards (i.e. loaning money or something). Consider it a lesson learned and now she is part of your history. Certainly, never return her calls, never give her anything else again, including your time or even an explanation of why you won't reconnect once her husband leaves again.

p.s. - my first thought was that the husband is abusive and any unwanted disturbance may set off a terrible temper she will have to deal with (i.e. a phone call for her waking him up)

I would just count my losses and end the relationship now. She would not have to worry about me contacting her over the next few weeks, because I would be losing her number and no longer taking her calls.

if you're hurt, you're hurt. you always have a 'right' to your feelings.
i don't do friendships that don't have a degree of emotional reciprocity. i have no interest in keeping track of who *does* the most, so wanting someone to pick my kid up because i sent X amount of cards would be pretty much at the bottom of my list for maintaining a friendship.
some people just can't do that. i myself kind of enjoy the trading of favors, but would quickly become disenchanted if i thought one of my friends was keeping a score chart.
but i also have little use for people who just want to call and pour their complaints into my ear for 45 minutes at a time. so that would pretty much cross her off my list for anything but 'casual friend' right there.
but i have to wonder if you do the same thing. your strong need for equality in all things, plus the fact that she felt it necessary to actually lay down an edict about you calling (????) makes me wonder if this isn't a case of mutual dysfunction.
so, yeah, you have the 'right' to be hurt, but i might behoove you to put in some time thinking about both what you want in friendships, and how to be the sort of friend you want.
ETA- i find it interesting that you used a new name so as not to 'out' yourself in case she's here, but give so much detail that it would be very, very obvious to her if indeed she did read it. i think this is a very pointed effort to poke the bear. and that there's a lot more to this story.
khairete
S.

Friendship works both ways. You can only be taken advantage of if you let it happen.

You come from a good place and she has used you. You are a giver and she is a taker,

Why don't you block her number? It sounds like you have gone above and beyond to build a friendship and she wants the friendship only when it benefits her.

This woman is not your friend. You are a convenience to her. It is probably time to move this woman from the "friend" category to the "acquaintance" category, if you choose to continue contact with her at all.

That said, I think Laurie A. may be right. She may be struggling with depression or something else you can't see. My spouse has mental health issues, too, and living with someone who has mental struggles has made me realize that some people become very self-centered when trying to cope with a mental illness, not because they are that person at their core, but because they spend so much of their energy just trying to get through their day. It doesn't excuse her behavior, but it might very well explain it.

First of all, if she reads your post she will know who she is.

Second, she sounds like a biotch -- I think you should sever the relationship. Forget about hurt feelings. She is not a friend.

Of course your feelings are hurt. And that's ok.

So give her the space she's asked for and wait to see if she ever calls you again. When she does (and it will likely be for a favor) well then you can let her know how you feel. And do let her know. Remember, some people are oblivious to how they treat people they care for and the only way they may ever learn is for someone to alert them to it. So if you still value the friendship then let her know. If you don't, then just go away. You don't need her anyway. I agree with Suz, there is no emotional take-away that you are receiving from her so really, she isn't even a friend.

And go get a trac phone with a new number and let that sucker ring and ring and ring.... :)

First off you have the right to feel anyway you want to feel.

I'd say that you are a very good friend to this person but she is a terrible friend to you. Stop doing things for her and I'll bet in no time at all she'll stop calling. Just tell her 'No I can't go that' with no excuse or explaining why you can't. Spend your time on your family and stop being neighborly to someone who doesn't deserve your friendship.

Well I'd say her message might be a (poorly chosen) joke.
Maybe.

Even before that, she was what I'd call an Emotional Vampire.
A O. sided friendship.
(It was always a O. sided friendship. You just weren't aware.
Now you are.)

When we know better? We do better.

Don't call her EVER again. If you choose to answer when she calls, make it quick (you're busy) or don't answer at all.

She wants you to vent to and to give her stuff. If she reaches out for hand-me-downs, be sure to charge her at least yard sale prices...you two are not friends.

I'd just be done with her. It sounds like she is never willing to help you out in an emergency. She does sound like a taker for sure.

I would honor her request and not call her. Perhaps she is stressed with her husband's health issues, but her message was just plain rude. I would be tempted to respond to her message and say something like "I am so sorry to have bothered you at this time. I wish your husband a speedy recovery. Please don't continue to worry about me calling you, because I can assure you that you will not hear from me again."

I'm still baffled that you took the time to make a new account to disguise yourself and then told a singular tale which anyone involved in would totally recognize? Why do you need validation if you already know the answer? Hmmm....

Wow. I would be hurt but also done with her. Never call her again. If she calls, I'd ignore at first. If she persists, I'd tell her it's been a one sided friendship and the weeks she told you not to call make that more obvious. You have no desire to be friends anymore. If you can call it friendship. Be calm, cool and collected and be DONE with her. What a whack job jerk. Where in all this has she ever done anything nice for you?...

First of all, you have a right to your feelings, no matter WHAT they are, so don't apologize for that. Secondly, I would use this phone break to extend it FOREVER. After a few weeks I would text her, or wait until she calls or texts first, then I would simply say something along the lines of, "you know, since we have had this break from each other I have had a chance to think about our relationship and I've come to realize it isn't really the kind of friendship I need in my life so I wish you and your family the best but I feel like it's in my best interest for us to continue this break indefinitely and to move on." DONE! Then don't have further contact with her, even if she tries to contact you. Do not EVER feel obligated to keep someone in your life who is taking advantage of you. I am personally going through this right now and have tried to move nicely away from someone and she actually called me out about it. So I am working on a "nice" response to her basically saying that since you were brave enough to ask me we are no longer friends, I will be brave and tell you the TRUTH on why we are no longer friends. Wish me luck, it's going to be tough. I hope this helps you. Good luck.

Sounds like she is ending the friendship with you. Not much you need to do.

She sounds extremely rude and/or very bothered by you.

Of course OF COURSE you have the right to have your feelings hurt and you also deserve better 'friends' than this if you call it a friend. In this particular case she gave the large clue, so go ahead and quit her cold turkey. What a well, I can't say it here...

It sounds like maybe this is your first experience with a user personality. It may be hard at first to let go, and you might feel like you want to communicate with her to try to figure out what went wrong, but it's a waste of time. When someone demonstrates again and again such little regard for someone else's feelings, it is totally justifiable and necessary to cut off contact for good. If they try to get in touch again, simply ignore calls, and leave emails and texts unreplied. Put your energy into friendships that will be more compatible with your needs.

Wow can't believe you're even considering her a friend. Move on... This was obviously not a balanced friendship to begin with. I hope you can stop feeling hurt soon and move on... If I were you I'd just feel like such a sucker for giving so much when there were plenty of perfectly good charities and other people you could have given your stuff and time too. :)

Sure you do. Mine would be hurt.

I think though that this is less about friendship and more about an acquaintance who you keep helping out. Your expectation is that she will reciprocate. She's not willing to.

Keep in mind her husband was in hospital this week. You both had stressful emotional times of it in the last few days - your son's cut, her husband's surgery ..

I think it's run it's course. She sound pretty annoyed and like she wants space. You sound hurt. Rightly so.

As Dr. Phil always says (my mom quotes constantly) "What are you getting from this?" (he's not my favorite, but I do like that saying). Sometimes we get an unhealthy payoff by being a giver .. but it sounds like you're expecting back now ... that's a good thing. I would just go forward :) Good luck!

You do have the right to have hurt feelings on this one but I would let them go as quickly as possible.

Wash your hands of it.

This kind of relationship is, at best, a friendly acquaintanceship. You're not actually friends and it sounds like you never have been. She was only willing to put in the bare minimum of keeping contact with you so long as it was beneficial to her, and once you started looking for reciprocity she put the breaks on.

I'm sorry that you had to go through all this before reaching your limit, but you'll be better off in the end if you let her slip out of your life.

It sounds like she was taking advantage at least a bit. You asked her several times for a little help and now she does not want to talk to you. I am sure if she needs something, she will call you. It is up to you if you want to bother pursuing a "friendship" or not. I wouldn't.

Yes. She has shown her personality over and over again.

BUT it's time to consider all things. Change the parameters of this relationship.

That little one will be hurt when you don't come around anymore.

You can still be friends but you can be busy too. Use ridiculous excuses if you want to but don't be at her beck and call. Say no, sorry but you can't do that for her. Then move on to something else.

Can you still do things for her? Yes. When it suits you.

On the other hand. I have a friend who thinks that if she does anything at all for me that I owe her and am expected to do these things even if it's a hardship. Such as driving across town to take her to the grocery store that is all the way over on the other side of town from both of us just for kitty litter...why didn't she check her kitty little when she went to the store the other day with her neighbor?

But if I say no it effects our friendship and she pouts. She will bend over backwards for me. She will drop everything to do something for me and offer even if I don't ask. She's that kind of person.

I feel pressure that if I say no too many times that it will (1) hurt her feelings (2) make her stop being there for me (3) cause her to give up on people and not want to help others.

She is a person who gives and when she gives she expects back equal or close to equal amounts of "service". I am not capable of giving back nearly half of what she gives to me, in terms of service...not things.

I love her dearly as a friend and don't want that friendship to go by the wayside. I decided I like my friend as a friend and I enjoy spending time with her. So I do things I don't want to do because she asked me to do them. I don't do everything of course, I just can't sometimes, but when it's something that I can do and I have time I try to help out simply because she's my friend.

That's why I say consider all things.

What do YOU gain from the friendship? A friend you enjoy doing stuff with? A companion? A new little friend you would like to see grow up? Someone who can really use the things you give her? Someone who'll listen if nothing else?

A friend is not just someone who'll do things for you. They are also just people and worth spending time with for the sake of spending time together. If there aren't any of these things in your friendship with her then please finally consider the little boy. Can you be friends with his mom without too much interaction with the grandma? He's going to miss you.

No one can tell you how to feel. Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to them.

I would be hurt, and I would stop contacting her. Give it a rest and if she reaches out to you then you can talk about it.