Facebook Proved to Be a Curse for Me

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better from your accident.

Please don't take this in an offensive way but WHY do older people take Facebook so seriously. I had to delete my own Facebook account after my mom signed up because she went seriously overboard with it. Commenting and liking every. single. one. of my statuses, posts and pictures. She would send me concerned emails if I put song lyrics up as my status and she has let friendships in her life be destroyed because she felt someone wasn't responding adequately enough to her Facebook posts. It's just a stupid website and it should have no bearing on your real life! If my parent sent me an email because I didn't comment on something on Facebook, I would get angry too.

And as for the complaints your children have against you...there's two sides to every story right? I'm sure some of their complaints are well founded. It sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with them personally and figure these issues out before the resentment builds until its too late.

Hmmm. What is your question? If it's what to do about Christmas, I suggest that you do whatever you usually do at Christmas if that is what you want to do. Do not let your children's actions determine your own.

I would write each one an email and tell them you're sorry that they feel that way. Accept their judgment as coming from them. It is the way they feel. Now, you tell them that what they've said has hurt you but that you still love them and want to work on having a better relationship with them.

Then get into counseling so that you can deal with the past and let it go. A counselor will help you learn how to accept the past and find ways to move into the future. He will help you learn ways to deal with your children. You may be able to repair your relationships or not. Counseling will help you figure that out.

Yes, by giving them everything they wanted, you did teach them that life is all about them. It sounds like you didn't require that they treat you with respect. That is part of the reason they act this way now. It is much more complicated than that. Don't beat yourself up over the past.

They are adults now and have to learn on their own how to be loving and caring. You cannot undo the past. You can only deal with the present. Find a way to be loving, not for their benefit, but for your own. I suggest that you still love them even tho you're hurt and even angry over their treatment of you. Let that love shine thru. Fighting with them will not fix the past and will only make the present more difficult.

Forgive yourself for the past. You did the best that you could do. Hope that they can also forgive you but don't expect them to be able to do so. They need counseling, too. Forgive them for the way that they're treating you. Do this so that you can be happy in spite of their anger.

a couple of things - i am 34 years old and had a fall similar to what you're describing this summer while helping my brother move (passed out due to hydration/heat exhaustion) so i VERY much sympathize. it is 6 months later and my knee is still not recovered. i hope you feel better.

in a way, of course you made your own bed. i won't argue that point. but you can't change the past. you really can't.

the thing is though you can always improve. we improve every day. we learn and grow EVERY day.

what i wanted to say - from the grown daughter of a less-than-desirable father. don't put this on THEM to fix. don't take them being buttheads about your birthday as your "cue" as to how to handle christmas. you treat christmas as you would towards the children you love (and grandchildren) regardless. you NEVER stop loving your children. and yes, BECAUSE you raised them, the people they are today is in large part due to you. therefore you keep loving them. you never give up on them. you show them that you love them unconditionally and you show them what real love is. and when they need you, you'll be there. you are the mother. YOU have to be diligent, persistent, and YOU have to let them know that you will always love them.

i understand your feelings were hurt, but as a mom and as a daughter, as i said, i feel it is mostly on the parents when things go like this. whatever what who did to whom, it probably all started with you, right? (not accusing, just saying, logically). if my son and i were in this position i would NEVER give up on him. i would apologize for my mistakes, i would keep calling him, keep sending christmas presents. good luck mama.

and oh yeah - fb has nothing to do with it. this goes a lot deeper, as you mention, probably back to their childhood. fb is amoral. it's the users who control it.

You may have.

My DH was blasted a couple of years ago by his oldest nephew. Nephew was going through a lot at the time and DH was the easiest target. DH was incredibly hurt, because Nephew was closest to his heart after his own children. DH said, "I'm sorry you feel that way and if you want to talk sometime, let me know." It probably took two years for nephew to talk to DH again and the relationship has been repaired.

So maybe they're going through something you don't know about or that they haven't shared. And even if not, then your response could be, "I'm sorry you feel that way." You cannot defend yourself against someone who is incredibly angry. I would give her time to calm down.

Now, it may be that you don't see the kids (or maybe just one) this year. Gather the people who do want to be with you and put your best foot forward.

I find that sometimes people never stop acting like kids with their own families. They are grown and married and parents themselves. They should no more expect you to be near them than you should expect them to stay near you. My sister and I each moved 2 hours from home - Mom can visit, but we are not nearby. We live where our spouses grew up. Mom could have had a fit about this because who will be there to take care of her someday? Who will help her with Grandma? We have not abandoned her by our locations. If your daughter feels that you did, then she is looking at your move through a 12 yr old's lense, not that of a grown woman. I may not like entirely living 3 hours from my sister, but location is each our choice to make.

And if your DH is not their father and you moved because of him, then maybe the real issue is that they are not over the breakup of their nuclear family. For that I suggest counseling, but if you tell her that right now, it may not go over well.

So in the long run, shut down the computer, don't badger your sons or daughter into responses, and use more personal forms of communication and hope that things work out down the road.

This is not about your knee. That was just the opener for the can of worms.

Well, you don't give any specifics of what you are actually being accused of, BUT if ALL 3 of your children have the same gripes about you, I would consider that they may have a point. In most situations like these blame can be found on all sides, but YOU can only better yourself and not others.

This has nothing to do with facebook by the way. I don't comment on every thing my family members post - and there are days I don't even see everything they post, either because I don't check or because my newsfeed is so cluttered with other stuff. I think posting something on fb and then being upset about not getting a reaction is a bit lame and not the best use of that technology...

EDIT: After your SWH: Well. Think about this. I mean seriously, truly think about this. All three of your children lapsed in calling you after your emergency room trip. All of them. Not just one of them or two of them, indicating a miscommunication or deficit on their part. But ALL of them lapsed in calling you. The common denominator is not how much you've done for your children and how ungrateful and mean and rude they seem to be, or how hard it is is to contact them... the common denominator here is you.

And without knowing you better, I still have to say that there's an issue with the communication. You're very set on blaming your children and finding fault here. I get it that your feelings are hurt. But this was all of your children. And whatever other issues are behind anything anything else, well, then you've got to work those things out with your children AND be willing to accept some responsibility for your part in the negative aspects of the relationships.

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Soooooo.... neither you nor your husband actually CALLED nor texted your children personally to inform them of your trip to the emergency room. You posted it on Facebook publicly and waited for them to find out that way, assuming that they would log in and see it. Then when they didn't, and didn't call you to fuss over you, your husband e-mailed them to chastize them for being naughty, uncaring children.

I don't see one drop of effective communication in there at all.

My mother-in-law posted a picture of her busted up leg after a fall on Facebook and the only thing I could think was, "GROSS! Why the hell would she post a picture of that on facebook?!?" She could have just as easily informed us all about her injury without the graphic photo. I was eating lunch for cripes sake.

Facebook is a public forum. Posting a picture of your injury on facebook is no different than throwing a party for all your friends and family, (and their friends), then standing up on the table and ripping off your pants so everyone can see your wound, then getting mad at the people who chose to be silent and stand in a corner blushing at what they were being presented with. It was not the medium to use to inform your family that you've been injured.

What's a person to do when they see something like that? You can't hit the "like" button because that would be a rude thing to do. Posting a condolence for your injury would open the picture up to all your kids friends to see, and I'm sure you don't really want all their friends to see your boo-boo. (Because that's how facebook works.)

The better course of action would be to leave the wound-photos out of it and written them an email about what happened and how you were feeling. A PRIVATE email. You can do that through facebook as well. They are called private messages. You can even write them between multiple people so that only you, and your three kids get the message. This allows them to respond to you without everyone you know and everyone they know seeing it all splashed on their news feed.

I think that between you and your kids there has been a lot of miscommunication, even with all the convenient ways we have now to foster communication.

I have a feeling that you did something embarrassing on facebook, your kids chose to politely ignore the old person faux pas, but daddy couldn't leave well enough alone and lambasted them via email, which is probably where you should have made your announcement in the first place! Then after they got ripped up down and sideways for hurting your feelings on facebook, they exploded in your general direction with not only their feelings about this situation, but every other thing they were upset about as well.

If I were you, I'd apologize to my kids in an email for getting upset that they chose not to respond to the picture of my injury and that you understand a little better now about how facebook works and that they were probably a little embarrassed about the photo. I'd tell them that I was hurt that they seemed unconcerned that I was injured and it made me feel very sad, but I understand that next time I need to tell them about an injury, I'll make sure to call them on the phone or send a message privately... and leave out the booboo pictures.

Maybe they were offended that you or your husband didn't pick the phone up and tell them about the accident first hand? I wouldn't want to learn about something like that happening to my Mom from Facebook.
I would do everything possible to mend the relationships. Life is too short. You are the parent so I believe you have a responsibility to 'be the better person' per say.

I don't think your situation has anything to do with Facebook. It's just another form of communication, just like email, text, phone, etc.

It sounds like there are some serious conversations that need to happen between you and your children. And not through FB, email, or text. And from you, not your husband.

I'm sorry you're going thru this but you actually sound a little like my mother-in-law. She thinks the world should revolve around her, and if it's not to her advantage, does nothing for her kids. I know you said it's always been about "them," but has it really? Sounds like your kids, especially your daughter, have some deep-rooted resentment far beyond you moving out of state. I think you need to think back, maybe waaaaay back, and re-examine your lives and maybe you can come up with some answers.

I know when I first met my MIL, she seemed like the sweetest person. Well, after just a few years of marriage and getting to know my husbands' siblings, I discovered she is a back-stabbing, self-centered, selfish, etc., etc., female dog!!!

Your statement "my birthday is next week.... regarding Christmas" tells me A LOT!!!

Good luck!!!

What sort of response(s) were you hoping for?
"So sorry to hear about your accident - hope you feel better soon"?
Seems like a reasonable comment from family, friends or even relative strangers.
How old are they, and is your husband their father?
They are upset you moved away but not their father?
We're they independent adults when you moved?
They seem to be holding onto a grudge and feelings of abandonment.
I don't have enough to go on here - it may or may not be justified.
Coming from a parent who's been manipulative in the past (not saying you have been), plugging for a response from them would be an attention getting scheme - and they would be resistant to respond for fear of getting involved.
Or it could be that they are ungrateful uncaring brats.

I'm very sorry that you're going through a difficult time with your adult children, and that you had that accident! Bless your heart that sounds rough.

Unfortunately your husband "opened the door" - so to speak - for their commentary by approaching them first. I think I would have just preferred to let sleeping dogs lie and not confront them about their seeming lack of concern. Not to mention, Facebook is not a good barometer for how people feel about you. It's relatively "public" (even when it's 'friends' only) and many people don't feel comfortable expressing themselves in that format (though many others do).

Have you been expressing your hurt about your children to your husband? You may want to dial that back a bit, and talk to a counselor instead. He probably felt compelled to go to them in an effort to make it all better. But the bottom line is that your children are not responsible for your happiness - you are!

I'm sure it's tough to put alot of years into your kids, and have them not be close to you. I haven't faced that yet (mine are teens). But I do hope I will keep the door open with them while at the same time having my own life so as not to impede theirs.

I'm praying for you and I hope this gets easier.

I'm so sorry to hear about your injury and your knee, as well.

Texting, Facebook, email, etc have taken the place of true communication and feelings and have desensitized us to humanity. I hope you recover and the children realize that life is short and a mother is to be treasured-God bless you!

Sorry about your injury and I hope you recover soon.

I think there's a problem with Facebook, email, texts, and even Mamapedia because people rant and click "post" or "send" without thinking. And others are reading what you wrote - which is without facial expressions, tone of voice, or any other modifiers. It's possible that a public picture of your injury seemed like your husband was staging a pity party and bypassing the kids. BUT it sounds like there was plenty of resentment going on beforehand.

I think you may have answered your own question if you say you spoiled them. If they did not grow up with a sense of family responsibility, honor, and respect, then it's unlikely they will develop it now. I suggest counseling for you and perhaps your husband to explore the history of these relationships and to make a plan on how to go forward.

Try not to put too much emphasis on this birthday or this Christmas, but try to come to some understanding and peace so that you can decide about future birthdays and holidays in the years to come. I don't know if the relationships are repairable, but I am confident you cannot figure it all out on your own without an objective professional. Your insurance will probably cover counseling - you can ask your primary care physician for a referral to someone who accepts your insurance.

Good luck.

"Honor thy father and mother."
Is that so hard? Apparently, yes it is, for some people.

Facebook is not the issue. Your husband should have simply called each one to say "Mom is hurt, X happened." You can't post on FB and expect everyone to see it and call. Posts get buried. The only way I could keep up with my FB feed is if I check it every 1 hour. Sometimes I avoid FB for hours and a day, because it gets to be too much. So I'm guessing they missed the post.

And, horrors, what if they didn't? What if your husband and you can PROVE they commented on other posts at the same time? Well, that's not productive at all. People have their own, legitimate reasons not to respond to posts. Maybe they were dealing with a million little things. Maybe they would call later.

Then your husband calls them to blame them. Who knows if they even saw it or not.

I agree with Anita B. Someone needs to take the lead and make the phone calls, if it is so hard for them.

My sister (in another state) is a phone person. I am not. I hate talking on the phone. She calls me every day. Or every other day. Or many times a day. I'm busy with 2 kids and a family and sometimes I'm curt on the phone. Sometimes I don't call her back till the next day. Then we are playing phone tag.

She did tell me (years ago) she was hurt I didn't seem to care. She had a point, so I listened and changed my response.

The Marx Bros. were so tight, they called each other every single day, till they died. The conversations went like this, "hey what's new? Nothin'. Me neither. Bye." Sometimes more than once a day.

So for now, let the dust settle. Don't get all passive/aggressive/martyr and wait to see if they acknowledge your birthday. Just do something on your own with your husband for your birthday and Christmas. Don't guilt them. Don't remind them of past hurts.

BSF - Bible Study Fellowship
And I'll share what is helping me, especially with "how do I handle X?" The BIBLE is great. I started taking a BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) class last year and I'm blown away by what I'm learning. Go to their website for more information. I look forward to my weekly class. I learn so much and love it so much. It's not a superficial read of the bible (something I might do by myself) but it's reflective and deeper.

BOUNDARIES
http://www.cloudtownsend.com/articles/scoop-on-boundaries/

Your last statement sounds a lot like me (I have younger children) and this is definitely a problem. I found a book called BOUNDARIES AND KIDS. I have this problem with my own children. I'm taking a church class now on the book. You might want to look at the authors website to read the books they have. It may help you deal with your family.

I would be sad if my mom moved away, but I wouldn't hold on to bitterness about it. (I would put myself in her shoes and see it from her point of view. That is called maturity.) Your daughter seems entitled to have you there for her needs. She has some issues with boundaries, but that might be because you taught her you didn't have any. You were an endless source of giving. People get trained to expect certain things then. And when you say, "sorry, I can't" (when you finally set a boundaries) they go off. That is also a form of manipulation.

Nobody is perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. I don't think you moving away was a mistake. But along the way, they learned certain things and now you are dealing with the after effects. Ugh. I feel for you.

But you can deal with it. Constructively. The books will help.

Oh mygosh you poor woman, how is your injury now on top of all that?
I don't know if it makes you feel any better but my grown very smart son actually didn't call or write or text me or send a note on Facebook when there were other messages he could see to remind him for my birthday and he did text me about five days later, (okay I forgave him but did not feel much better) and well, let me tell you how I was in the hospital a couple of years ago, no don't even want to go there, and they my two sons were not as wonderful as I hoped them to be as well as my family People can be so mean hurtful, whatever no matter how much we love them. I always try to forgive them ( not good at that all the time ) and move on. Again not very good here at times, but really that's the best way I guess. I gave my kids everything they ever wanted or at least needed, with discipline when necessary and well thought it was supposed to come back to my in my later years. Not so and so it makes me and you very sad. very, very sad. so let me tell you sorry not much else BUT HERE IS A SUPER GIANGANTIC HUG

facebook is the devil

This goes way deeper then them not responding to a posting on facebook if your children already don't speak with you. Plus, Facebook is a horrible way of notification if you really want them to know. I'm not sure what you are expecting from a Facebook post.

I am estranged from my parents and they would both would say that they did everything as well when I was a child. So not the case, despite what they have convinced themselves of!! It seems strange that none of them are close to you, I'm sorry. My mother moved to Shanghai eight ears ago and just recently moved to MA. My 19 year old daughter hasn't seen her since she was eight years old.

I can't see how a big happy Christmas is in the future this year...do you usually do this?? Is there anything you can take away from the communication from your daughter? I finally hit my breaking point with my mother after years of her lack of any type of compassionate parenting. She flipped out because she didn't expect my very deserved confrotation.

I realize the is a lot of me here but there are different sides to the story. I'm glad you are on the mend and it is great you are not alone.

The fact that you posted something on facebook, did not communicate with them directly about the accident, and then got upset when they didn't respond, says to me that there is something extremely broken in your relationships - not just them, but with you as well.

Time to step back and look at the big picture relationship. Unless they're all crazy, and you're the normal one, it's a family dynamic.

When people think a facebook relationship or communication is a substitute for the real thing, they're setting themselves up for problems.

ADD: I barely speak to my mother. I used to, but she killed the relationship with her selfishness, self-centeredness, and denial on top of that. I am polite, but I have given up. We talk maybe 4 times a year. I speak weekly or more often to my MIL and older sis - both of whom are like moms to me. Parent relationships don't blow up by themselves. The parent is usually involved. My mother did leave my sister and I - I was 21' but my sis was 17. I no longer like her or trust her.

I'm sorry you got hurt and I hope you are healing, but I ask you to take a hard look at your past relationship with your kids and see what went wrong, and how it might be so much more hurtful in their eyes than it was in yours. Good luck

Marda's is my favorite response, although you got lots of other good advice.

It's possible you spoiled your kids, but I highly doubt that's the only problem. If you blame it all on them being spoiled, then you are definitely not able and willing to look at your own flaws, which would say a lot about why your kids have issues with you.

If it were me, I would write or phone my daughter, and ask her in a very vulnerable way: "Can you please tell me what I did wrong during your lives? I promise I will listen to everything you have to say, and I will not defend myself." There might be more than your moving away, or maybe not.

I think you will get more info from your daughter than your sons. But then you have to listen, and be ready to apologize with no excuses.

In the meantime, it hurts, but you have to develop a vibrant life of your own, if you haven't already.

Good luck with it!

I am so sorry you are hurt and that your children hurt your feelings. Is it possible they just didn't see the post??? I know that if I don't go on FB for a few days, I don't see everything that everyone posted. It is easy to miss a post if you aren't on all day, everyday. Next time, I would give your children the courtesy of a phone call/text and tell them you hurt yourself.

It sounds like you wanted sympathy and when they didn't provide that, you were angry and hurt. I hope that things can be repaired between all parties. But I seriously would cut them a little slack....did you ask them if they saw it???

Did you put this up on FB to see who would contact you? Were you looking for sympathy? Wouldn't you just call your kids and let them lmpw what happened?

Do you call them? How old were they when you moved away?

There are just too many questions here. But I do hope you're feeling better!

A comment about FB as communication: please don't rely on it. I have an account and do not check it regularly. I have gone weeks without "checking in".

As for your relationship with your children, what about asking a counselor these questions? Counseling is a phenomenal tool to gain insight and behavior management strategies. You sound like someone who is ready to take charge of your situation by getting some answers and making/encouraging changes. A lot of times it is covered under health insurance. I bet you'll be delighted with the results!

Good luck!

Good luck!

Was it their father that sent the email or your second husband?

What relationship do they have with him?

I'm guessing if you had been the one to email them it might not have blown up this big.

moving isn't a big deal, moving to be with another man, might be a big deal to them.

hope you feel better physically and emotionally soon.

Your hubby was out of line. If he were a biological dad, then he could blast them. A step parent is ALWAYS one remark away from being banished in a child's mind (yes, even adult children).

While I do not think you did anything wrong, you are the adult in this situation. I htink it is your responsibility to do all you can to right things with your kids. They are your children even if they are adults. They may say hurtful things, but you are their mother and at the end of the day they know you will always be there for them. I don't think the wait and see approach will benefit you. Life is too short not to reach out and make thngs right with your children. I think you will have to swallow your pride and be the bigger person. The more time passes, the deeper the wounds will get. Good Luck.

Before I got to the part that your daughter is upset that you aren't taking care of her kids, I thought it. Then, there it was and I thought "Yeah, just what I thought."

You have very callous kids. I'm very sorry.

I don't quite know why you continue to send them presents and all of that. You need to stop doing that. But that email from your daughter? Perhaps you can put a copy of it in an envelope and keep it for when she has terrible teenagers. Give it to her and and tell her that she will be lucky if her own daughter doesn't treat her like that.

If I were you, I'd just take a holiday from the family for right now. Give them some time to feel guilty, if they have any guilt in them.

I'm sorry you created these "monsters", as you put it, but I'm really glad that you recognize what happened.

Dawn

I'm probably a bit late to this - but just to say I had something similar happen, but in reverse - I was upset with my father and sent him an email telling him I was upset and disappointed and he came back completely on the defensive with name calling and the like. So I know what you are feeling. I was very hard for me to accept that he couldn't take what I was saying to him as pain that I wanted to fix with him - he just took it as an attack. However, I also realised that he did not (could not?) have the perspective I had (which was the bigger picture) because he felt attacked no matter how logical or calm I tried to explain my feelings. A very good friend told me that I had to accept that perhaps he just wasn't the person I thought he was. Which wasn't to say he was a BAD person, but just not what I had built up in my head - this helped a lot. I live very far away from my parents and miss them dearly (even though they can drive me nuts) - we don't talk a lot - they don't really do emails or FaceBook - but I have found that Skype is great even if only for 5-10 minutes every few weekends. You can schedule the time for when it suits them and you get to see them "face to face'. I had to back down with my dad and just tell him I loved him and missed him in order to calm the whole thing down. There were a rake of things I didn't say but only because keeping a relationship was more important. You may have to do that with your daughter. Just apologise and tell her you love her and never meant to hurt her. Sometimes diffusing the situation is the only option. I wish you loads of luck with this.

The kdis should have been texted or phoned after you returned home from the ER. Then you could have posted it on FB. Regardless of how your kids felt with your remarriage, it appears that they aren't too thrilled now. Perhaps they didn't realize your move would be so difficult for them. I don't know. But your husband really overstepped with the message that the kids had hurt you. The trip to the ER should have been sent to them immediately after the event. Maybe they were upset with you for not informing them. I know I would be!

Your kids are very selfish. I cannot believe that ADULT children would complain that their mother started living her own life when they were fully grown. My parents moved us to the US and then moved back to Europe when we were done with college. So for all my adult life they lived an 8 hour flight away. We talked weekly on the phone and visited yearly, sometimes there, sometimes here. When mom needed surgery (on 3 different occasions) my siblings and I arranged for staggered visits and time off from work to fly over to help them.
If I were you I would STOP sending money and presents, and just live your life to the fullest. I would wait to see if they call at all. If they do not, then around Christmas and birthdays send a nice card (without money) and perhaps a newsy note of what has been happening and end with "would love to hear from you, hugs and kisses, mom".