Ex Cut Me Out of My Son's Birthday

Say nothing. She already keeps you at arms length. You'll just make things worse if you make waves. Be at the party the entire time. Do what you can to help. Make it seem to ALL the guests that the three of you are giving the party. Don't SAY that, but act that way. Be easy to get along with.

This might really help with the ex's attitude.

At least he didn't hide that fact that there is a party from you.

Dawn

Toni V. --thank you for not making me think I was in left field all alone! Hell no, I would not go!

BUT with that said--I don't think you have a right to be upset. Hell, as the new or old wife I would not want the other wife there! Come on girl--you get food stamps--bake a cake and throw another party!!!

No offense, but I'm a bit confused.
Because a birthday party might be too expensive, he was just going to take him to Universal Studios which you could not afford to participate in .
So....he made a different arrangement and even though it wasn't said in the nicest way, you were invited if you want to come.

From the outside looking in, I'm not sure why you are upset. It seems to me your ex tried to do something that you could be included in with no expense to you. I'm not understanding how that HAS to be construed as going behind your back unless of course you wanted to be included in all the planning.

I wouldn't say a word at all to the new fiance about it in terms of your feelings being hurt.
My ex and I got along so horribly that we had separate birthday parties for our son. I tried to have us all together and it just created more pressure than enjoyment for our child so we did different celebrations.
But, if you don't want to be left out or feel left out, graciously accept the invitation, as wimpy as it sounded, and try to have a really nice time.
The day is for your child. Hopefully, the only thing HE will get out of it is that he has lots of people who love him.

If you don't think you can go and everyone get along, graciously decline, but they did extend the offer for you to go. You said yourself that he's trying to take into account you couldn't afford Universal Studios, etc.

You know, not all women are evil. Perhaps it's the fiance that wanted you to be included.
I think you should go, IF you feel comfortable with it, be yourself, interact as a part of your son's life as well as his extended family and do what you can to be part of a wonderful birthday for him.

I'd like to add a side note....after 14 years of divorce, my ex-husband and I have had a full turn around. We celebrate all holidays together, etc. Our son is 16 and my daughter is 25 and she gave us a grandchild. That pretty much threw the division of things out the window. It's worked out quite nicely, much to my surprise and joy, to be honest.
Never thought I'd say that in a million years, but it's pretty great.

Go to the party, have a great time, and do it for your son.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes.

I am not seeing what you are upset about, he knew you couldn't come so he changed the plans.

So far as how to react, say thank you for including me and have fun with your son. :)

I have not been in this situation.
I'm sure it's tough.
This is only the beginning.

He invited you to come. Perhaps he arranged it because he knew you couldn't afford it.

I think the next step might be to offer to bring the cake, or balloons, or whatever they need for the party. Ask!

(And no, I wouldn't "say" anything to the fiancee except you're coming and would like to help by bringing something.)

Go and make the day about your son.

I don't exactly feel like you've been cut out of the plan. You weren't going to be part of what dad did for his birthday either way. As you are divorced, you do both get to make plans to do something separately with your son for his birthday. He is making a party that he said you could come to (even though he thinks you might be uncomfortable there with his new fiancee), as opposed to taking your son to Universal which you would not have been able to join them for, so now you do get to spend time with your son at his birthday celebration. It is unfortunate that you are not able to afford to make your son a party, but your son should not have to go without a party because of this. Exes do not need to include each other in making plans for the children during their custodial time. I know it's important to keep the lines of communication open about parenting issues, but I don't really feel that a birthday party is a parenting issue and as long as you're not each looking to have a separate party with the same people invited, he's not obligated to discuss the plans with you or get an approval. It's not a jointly given birthday party, he's giving it. There is absolutely nothing that you should say to the fiancee, your dealings are with your ex. Along with keeping the lines of communication open comes knowing when some distance is needed. Good luck

you two have separate lives. i'm sorry that you are in a harder situation financially than he is - but your peace of mind, your being included, are not his responsibility anymore. i don't see where you have a leg to stand on, i'm sorry. i don't think he did a thing wrong. i do think he probably feels guilty because he knows your expectations of him. but with his new fiancee in the picture, his life will now be even more separate from yours and that's as it should be. sorry, but if he is paying his child support and taking his child and being responsible as a dad, that's where it ends with you two. he doesn't owe you anything else. be grateful you all get along as well as you do, and remember that this is about your son, not your hurt feelings.

I'm not seeing what there is to be upset about - he's throwing a party for your son, which is something you can't afford to do, and has invited you. This was instead of an outing at a park that you wouldn't have been able to attend due to financial constraints. It sounds like a good compromise to me.

My SD used to live with her mother and from ages 7-13, I threw her a birthday party every year because her mom never did. We did not invite her mother as we scheduled them on our weekends with her. It's nice that they're including you - I think you need to let this go.

It sounds like they changed their mind to INCLUDE you - and maybe ex wasn't sure if the fiance would be on board with the party thing. It actually sounds like they ARE being inclusive. He didn't make plans behind your back, he changed his mind. Your ex has a separate life from you - BUT he made plans in it, for your son, which INCLUDE you.

I know it's hard, it hurts, and it's a sucky situation, but it really does sound like you guys are working to co-parent, and that everyone is on board to be there for your son. That's great. It's tough to adjust to the change, but you all have to do your best to not be over-sensistive to things. Good luck, and have fun at the party.

FYI - I'm a child of divorce, and I was lucky in that my parents communicated enough that we had family celebrations together (birthdays, holidays, etc.). There might be a His/yours/ours thing going on, but that's ok.

I think you need to come to terms with little one having 2 families now. It is kind of them to include you but for all purposes....kids of divorced parents usually get 2 parties. One at moms with those friends and relatives then another when they go to dads for those family members and friends.

I think you need to start budgeting in the future for a birthday cake and inviting your child's little friends to your house or to the park for a fun after noon of cake and presents for him.

I do think making little treat bags for guests is such a waste of money that I will never do it. It is the child's party, not a chance for kids who come to get gifts. What a crock!

Anyway, a birthday party at the park costs the price of the cake. And maybe ice cream and some juice or koolaid. It is cheap and means the world to the little kid.

Let dad throw him a heck of a party, you throw one too that is personal and intimate. He will love both.

it's hard to tell from this if they're being snarky, or if they are just focused on having a nice birthday for your son and you're not on their radar at all.
either way, the high road is the only road to take.
i'm not seeing how he's really making plans 'behind your back' since he had already planned a celebration that didn't include you, and now you ARE included, even if not particularly warmly.
i'd go, with my 'company smile' firmly attached, and the only thing i would say to the fiancee is 'this is lovely!' and maybe 'aren't we lucky to have such fine weather this afternoon?'
khairete
S.

Get an image in your mind of your perfect self, the version of you who is full of love and joy. Be that person for your son on his birthday.

It may be hard, it might even be painful, but maybe you can think about how much better it is for your son to have a great party, regardless of who arranged it.

You could even show your gratitude to your ex for organising it (doing all the work, paying for everything) and inviting you to enjoy the day with them.

I know from experience how very difficult it can be to take your ego out of the equation, but it always gives a favourable return.

Hope this helps. X

Why would you react in any other way other than polite and greatful they threw a party for your son? If you dont like how it all played out, then dont go. You can throw a party on your own. You dont have to invite dad and you can figure out how to pay for it all by yourself. It makes me wonder what you consider "welcoming and supportive" to the new woman in dads life. I bet they see it as something different and its no wonder he keeps you "at arms length". You are lucky you were told you can attend if youd like. You are lucky someone else is willing to plan and pay for a nice time for your son. You are lucky they dont cut you out of all the celebrations for your son. Some couples who split up dont even speak to eachother.

Stop focusing on the negative and what you have and he doesn't. BTW 70k is not some rich man. Not in 2012. So who cares.

But regardless, this is all about your son. Not about you. not about your ex. Not about anyone else. Be gracious, be happy for your baby. Whether you go or don't go to that party, I think is not important. YOU can do YOUR OWN THING for your son. So what if you can't spend alot of money. You know what makes my kids excited? Make him a giant cupcake with sprinkles and let him have it for breakfast on the day of his birthday. Make him feel like a little prince, bring him breakfast in bed, or whatever. Do something you know he loves to do that you can afford and can physically handle. I am not sure if you're unable to go out and do physical activities due to your disability, but if you can, take him to a park and have a great day. If you can't, take him to a movie. If that's too pricey, borrow a movie from your local library and camp out in the living room with him, eating popcorn and watching a movie together.

It is NOT about who can outspend, it is not about who has more. It is truly the thought that counts.

I am sure this feels hurtful to you, but in my opinion, not knowing your ex of course, I think this is an innocent move, and you can be gracious and act happy even if you feel jealous. It elevates you rather than making you look less than them, you know what I mean?

Is the party being planned on your X's time? If so, what's the problem?

You have to allow your X the time and opportunity to move on and yourself as well. Plan a party on your visitation.

$70K in Torrence is not much. I am sure he is eating, but really it is not much. That is certainly not enough to be rich in Vegas.

I think what you are upset about is that the party is already planned? I can see where you'd be frustrated, but not to the point of making it something to bring up. Perhaps they planned it to save you some financial strain???? At least you were invited, which is WAAAAAY more than my hubby's ex would ever do! I think you should just go and make it a great day for your son.

There is a different way you can view this.. Which is NOT about you....

What IF your son gets TWO celebrations (both or either, needn't be big) but you could help sow seeds in your son's mind that in fact he is so special MANY people want to celebrate with him.. Try to not make this about you and see the bigger picture which to me is... This won't be the only celebration and event you won't necessarily help plan and therefore, it's important to roll with the flow and choose your battles accordingly..

Also, your first sentence begins with what you don't have and how much your ex makes and then you go on to say, your ex says he didn't include you because he knew you couldn't afford it.. Ok, I buy that. based on what you wrote in your first sentence (your husband makes more) Therefore, why don't you believe him when he basically says he didn't want to infringe on your finances?

This needn't be a hell or high water situation. you are invited. the invite may not come packaged the way you wanted it.. Additionally, his fiance' is probably caught in the middle of this. IF she didn't agree to a party, then that may imply she doesn't care about your son and if she does agree to a party then that may seem like she is overstepping some boundary... she appears to be in the tough spot if you ask me.. Really, this could be a growing experience for all those involved..

It's been my experience as a kid that the more celebrations people had for me, the more excited I became... and those celebrations needn't be packaged in a certain way or be big ... I was happy that people thought of me.. Therefore, be happy that so many are thinking of your son...

Happy birthday to your son!! :)

Karen,

If someone said "You can come if you want to", I would not consider it an invitation. Since your former husband prefers to keep you at "arms length" with his future wife, I would continue to be civil and cordial, but would not plan to attend the party.

Depending of who will be attending the party at their home, I would just plan a small gathering with a few kids and perhaps a couple of people that are your family and friends on another date.

Blessings....

I've not been in the situation, but it doesn't sound like he did anything behind your back. He invited you to the party. If you can't afford to go to Universal Studios, then how could you afford to help pay for the party.

I think they did a nice thing. They changed their plans from something you could not do with your son, to an event you are invited to.

I don't see the problem so I don't see that anything needs to be said to anyone other than "thank you."

Yep. It totally sucks that you all can't throw a party together for your son, but would that really be the best idea? You would have to interact even more with the fiancee, talk about who would pay for what, talk about where it would be hosted, who you all would invite, etc.

I think you have hit the fork in the road. You must decide how you want to go about things from here, on out.

a. Throw your own parties for him, celebrate holidays by dividing up the day, etc. or

b. Let the ex and the fiancee do their thing with a "tag-along" invite to you, with the expectation of this is how things will be from now on.

I also think (unless there is more to the backstory) they are trying to include you out of guilt and expectations. That is NOT how I would want to be invited.

So, did you plan to do something for your son for his birthday? Take him to a movie, dinner out (or in), make him a cake? If so, decline the party with a smile.

If not, then go to the party, but plan to do something separate for him in the future.

Don't say a word to fiancee outside of pleasantries and small talk. She really has nothing to do with any of this....if anything, she may have been the one to want to include you. Women are usually the ones who think about how other's feel....not the men folk (sorry dads on here).

Best of luck, mama. Happy Birthday to your son!

my suggestion would be that you say "thanks" to the fiance. Why do you feel that you have been cut out? he invited you. Don't make this into a battle over what you can do vs what he can do. say thanks and move on. Is this the first birthday that has come along since the divorce? plan your own thing and let him plan his. birthdays don't have to cost a lot of money you can have cake and ice cream and invite a few people over without breaking the bank. there will be many things the dad can afford dn't make your son ashamed to take them because you are angry about them. go and sing happy birthday and be glad that your ex loves your son enough to do things for him. so many don't

Ooohh Mama this joint custody life is tough especially in the early years. I completely understand that you are upset because you were trying to coordinate with your ex about the birthday and then he went and did his own thing, I would go to the party with a big smile on for your son. There is such a learning curve with all this. I am in a joint custody family situation. My best advice is, when in doubt play nicely and don't say anything until you are really clear this is an issue worth mentioning. My
hubby and I have let a ton of things slide, some big some little, knowing that keeping the peace was more important than confronting the issue. We
decided the only stuff worth confronting pertain to things that concern our daughter's wellbeing. Our feelings being hurt does not make the list of
things to confront. I promise it gets easier over time if you just keep
focusing on the joy you have with your son. Don't let this situation rob you
of that joy. Being a mama is the best and try and just enjoy your little guy
and not think about your ex and his choices. These years fly by so quickly so try and just enjoy the blessings of having a son and shrug off the headaches of having an ex. Find a new tradition you and your son can do for his birthdays. Breakfast in bed, ice cream for dinner, explore a park....and I would do the same thing each year separate for all the party celebrating. Something for just the two of you. Blessings and hugs.

Do you guys normally plan a party together? Perhaps the best thing, moving forward, is for you each to celebrate your son's birthday in whatever way you choose during whatever time you normally have your son.

As for the fiancee, what would you want to say? I understand how it may feel like an intrusion for you but that probably has nothing to do with this party. Whatever you may feel about her being in a relationship with your ex, you WANT her to have a positive, loving relationship with your SON.

I honestly don't think he intended to make plans behind your back, but I can totally see how it would feel like this. Be gracious about the party. Thank him, and his fiancee for hosting. Ask what you can do to help. Have fun.

T.

I don't think I would WANT to plan or even go to a birthday party with my ex husband and his new fiance. That just sounds depressing :(

I would plan something fun for your son on another day. It doesn't need to be expensive. Let him have a few friends over (or not.) Bake a cake and celebrate your son's special day!

Hello. I know you have a lot of responses already, so here's one more! :)
It's ok to feel hurt and upset, but don't show it. The thing to focus on is your son. Remember it's for him and if you can't do it financially for him, you are still his mom and a good mom. Put your smile on. Go to the party, enjoy yourself, act like you belong, and be gracious. Tell them afterward what a nice party they threw and how much he enjoyed it. If their intent was to make you feel bad for not being able to afford it, that will defuse that and make you look like the bigger, amazing woman you are. Tell your son how excited you are for his party, etc., so that he'll tell daddy and fiancee how happy you were for him. It only makes you look better and will do a ton to advance relations in the future. Fair or not, this woman and your ex will have a huge influence on your son and good relations are vital.
Good luck and have fun!

while he didn't invite you in the nicest way I don't get why you're upset. If he did indeed know theres no way you could afford it, its not wrong for him to throw the party and invite you. Does he invite your family (your child's aunts and uncles and cousins on your side as well) ?
If it was my ex I'd tell him it hurt my feelings but we still are friendly so it wouldn't be that odd

So just have a party that you can afford for your son separate from what his dad does for him. My daughter is in another state with her dad for her B-day just about every summer so I always have to wait till several weeks after her b-day to have a party here. It's not that big of a deal.

S.

I think a lot of kids with divorced parents have two parties. I don't think he was obligated to include you--it was nice of him to invite you. Maybe you could have a small party for your family.

I think that is just part of being divorced. I actually think it was nice of him to invite you. When my ex and I divorced 15 years ago, we did everything seperate for our daughter. He would have a party, and then I would have one for her as well. We never invited the other to them. It wasn't that we didn't get along, we were just no longer married so we lead seperate lives. I wouldn't be offended. Just bake your son a cake and have your own little party at your house. It doesn't have to be expensive. I would still go to the party since you were invited but, I certainly don't think I would say anything to anyone about being upset.

At some point you may have to start having your own small parties for you son. I see noting wrong with him inviting you. You can still help by bringing candy or drinks. Why make it a problem when you can just go and enjoy the party give your son a great gift. Getting along with the ex is huge for your son. I have been through this and its soooooo much easier to get along with everyone and start having a party on your own. They can be done very cheap. Good luck!!

I don't know any divorce couples that continue to have one party for their child or children...including myself. I have 2 kids with an ex and my husband has a dtr with his ex. We all have separate parties...lucky kids, they get 2 parties for everything. Same thing for all the holidays, 2 easter baskets, vday candy, xmas, etc. It needs to be clear to your son that you are no longer together. Money has no factor. Even if your ex has all the money in the world to spoil him and do whatever for him...and you don't, you still should have separate parties. Good luck.

never say anything to the fiancee, if you have a problem, talk to your ex.

but i don't even think you should do that. whats wrong with him throwing a birthday party? he hasn't cut you out of it because you are invited. but i don't see why you would be part of the planning if he is throwing it this year.

you can plan his birthday next year, and take turns. but he has a new wife now and That is who he will be planning his social engagements with from now on, and i would not expect to be included in the future.

you have been invited. you are not being excluded. go, have FUN and enjoy the party, and be happy you dont have to clean up after!

now if he tries to do this Every year! then you put a foot down. just because he has more money does not mean he gets to do all the birthdays. you can have just as much fun inviting his playmates to the park and haveing hot dogs and cake!

I have never been in your situation, however someone related to me has. And the party was a disaster bc they decided to discusse the situation at the party. I understand how the person related to me was up upset, even i was, but when I had asked the person throwing the party why it happened like that, and if they were trying to be sneaky, they explained to me that since they were exes and she had a new "family" aside from her previous child n ex and they decided as a new family. I didn't like it, but even if you have been a kind person to welcome her, she or your ex himself may be being polite by saying "it was bc you don't have money" I don't think it's nice but at the same time id take the high road n leave it be, since the birthday party I was taing about, we have had to have separate parties and both families have been awkward with each other. It could simply be that bc u couldn't afford it they decided to throw the party so you could be there. I don't know if I made any sense or, but I hope I helped I saw what happened wit my relative and I'd hate for them to start disincludinging, however that doesn't mean you should feel hurt. But just like u welcomed her, they two have to welcome you. It suck but with my own parents divorce even when one side was friendly one of my "steps" was not..

Updated

I have never been in your situation, however someone related to me has. And the party was a disaster bc they decided to discusse the situation at the party. I understand how the person related to me was up upset, even i was, but when I had asked the person throwing the party why it happened like that, and if they were trying to be sneaky, they explained to me that since they were exes and she had a new "family" aside from her previous child n ex and they decided as a new family. I didn't like it, but even if you have been a kind person to welcome her, she or your ex himself may be being polite by saying "it was bc you don't have money" I don't think it's nice but at the same time id take the high road n leave it be, since the birthday party I was taing about, we have had to have separate parties and both families have been awkward with each other. It could simply be that bc u couldn't afford it they decided to throw the party so you could be there. I don't know if I made any sense or, but I hope I helped I saw what happened wit my relative and I'd hate for them to start disincludinging, however that doesn't mean you should feel hurt. But just like u welcomed her, they two have to welcome you. It suck but with my own parents divorce even when one side was friendly one of my "steps" was not..

I think he should have talked to you about the plans, but ultimately all of this should be about what's in the best interest of your son. A birthday party with friends and family that he wouldn't be able to have if his dad wasn't doing it? Yep -AND he gets to have both of you there, which will probably mean a lot to him. I'm sure as you raise your son, there will be more issues and battles to hash out with his dad, so I wouldn't make this one of them. I would simply go, tell them "Thank you" for throwing it, and leave it at that.

You may want to nicely mention to your ex that in the future, just in case you WERE planning something, you really need for him to discuss any upcoming party plans or special occasions involving your son.

Well at least you were invited. My kids Dad boasted to everyone about him having our daughter for her birthday.

My kids are grown now but they still laugh about their Dad ordering a birthday cake at McDonalds without a reservation! The McDonalds employee told him the cakes were frozen at he stood there with our 3 kids and several 3 year olds. Priceless!

Ah, revenge is sweet, especially when it is self inflected! Go to the party, and enjoy yourself, you never know what will unfold!

They want to make you upset. Now you are. I will be upset, too. But try to be cool and fine. Thankfully you are already separated from that kind of person.
I don't like how he sees everything with money. And to turn off your offer because you can't afford it is very impolite.
Birthday is a birthday if full of warm and love, not because of the luxurious stuffs.
Be there for your son. He will need you to be happy and cool mom.

As sad as this is, your marriage ended and until the new relationship became as serious as it has become, he was probably more comfortable keeping things "joint", however he now has a new family that he must consider. She is his going to be his new wife and therefore, as it should be, will be the primary woman in his life that he will consider when making plans. It is now a time for adjustment for you and will be uncomfortable. My advise it to be grateful ( I know a tough pill to swallow) that they included you with regard to attending the party as there are many couples that split and have separate parties. I am divorced and remarried. Their father (we are the best of friends) and I have seen that our relationship is very different from others. People comment always on the fact that we are not the norm. Yes, I would not consider arranging a dinner or party without him because he is the father, however, my husband is very much a part of our keeping him involved in the kids lives. We are all on board. Not all new relationships are like this... It is new and while it is new, I would say to just try to stay as calm as possible so that the level of comfort will grow and there will always be a nice vibe between all of you. You may have to be the hero and not make waves even though you are upset. You can't change how you feel but your ex husband is not the one to complain to because he most likely tell the new wife and that may create bad blood...remember as the mom, we are responsible for keeping the peace for the child. Hopefully, you will find a new person to share a long lasting and loving partnership with as well. When that day comes, it will be nice to be able to vent, share and continue to parent your child with some added support of a partner that will understand and that you can plan events with as well. Only then, you will be able to invite them in on the planning.
The best to you and enjoy your son's birthday. Regardless of who plans it or pays for it, this is a celebration of his birth and an event that should be positive.

I would just go to the party, smile, and make the day all about your son.

Don't worry about comparisons with your ex or his new family; it won't affect them at all, but will make YOU miserable.

You've let him know that you want to be included in planning, but you can't predict or control his future behavior. Don't let it get to you.