Embarrassing Birth Question

The only problem I have is, with sneezing and coughing, I accidentaly leak if I don't cross my legs before hand. Talk about embarassing!! :( My 2 boys are definately worth a little pee in the under pants at times!! :)

I just asked my hubby...and after 2 kids (vaginally) and #3 on the way, he says it doesn't feel any different! =)

First off, don't be embarrassed!! But just so you know, I have had two children vaginally and just like Jen C. said it does go back to normal.

I gave this quote to my wife on our 30th anniversary on a medallian/broach.(AND its the way I feel)

"A model needs perfect lighting, professional make up, and designer clothes, to look as good as the average woman to the man that loves her."

Get the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and follow it and your husband will be delighted with you.

Good Luck. (If you want more suggestions from a man totally in love with his wife of 36 years, e-mail me.)

Your concerns are real for you, and that's important. As an older woman whose body and face are showing my 60+ years, it never gets any easier. I blame the media for a good part of this personal unease with our bodies: gorgeous, slim, smooth young women are everwhere in the public eye; providers of everything from cosmetics to fashion to "shapewear" to exercise equipment to plastic surgery WANT us to believe that our natural selves are not good enough, attractive enough.

Here's a big secret to happiness: men are wildly attracted to confident women who have a sense of humor about their own imperfections. Heck, men are imperfect, too, and that actually helps put them at their ease. Some "shallow" relationships eventually fall apart because the woman gets old. But all the really great marriages I've observed (and I'm glad to say I'm in one of them), only get richer and deeper over the years.

As many women have observed, there are things you can do to keep your vagina toned, surgery if necessary to repair serious birth damage. But if you're struggling with a negative self-image, consider approaching that through counseling. Even if you could fix all the physical things that you consider wrong now, that would only be a stopgap, and you'll still have to deal with aging (like I said, it never gets any easier).

Not dealing with your low self-esteem and getting healthier about that puts a burden on your husband to try to make you feel okay about you. That's really not his job, nor is it fair to your marriage. Get to work on it, girl! You can be bigger than these little blows that life will never stop whapping you with.

Awesome that you're thinking of trying for a VBA2C! I've never had abdominal surgery but my husband was out of commission after he had his appendix removed for far longer than I was after having our son.
(I noticed that someone mentioned incontinence and wanted to say that that can happen regardless of whether you have a c-section or a vaginal birth, there are all kinds of fun reasons for incontinence.)
Self esteem stuff - not going to get into it because I could go on and on - but I do recommend the website TheShapeofaMother.com. Check it out, really.
On to the vagina. Ehem. I had three small tears, two that got stitched and one that did not. Initially there was some scar tissue, I could feel small lumps where the tears were but those are gone and have been for a while (my son is a year and a half old). At first sex felt a little painful - it felt like like the scar tissue wasn't stretching as well which it wasn't - but time and lube took care of that. I never did do perianal massage. I was going to start but put it off and then my son went ahead and showed up four weeks before he was supposed to. I would have though. My husband hasn't complained about how it feels, I do kegels, they're good for you baby or no baby. As for looks, I'd say it looks the same. However I will say DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LOOK AT YOUR VAGINA ANY TIME WITHIN THE FIRST FEW WEEKS OF DELIVERY. Just don't. I made the mistake of taking a peek with a hand mirror and... wow, if I could unsee that I would. It was understandably very bruised and didn't look right at all. But now, totally fine.

I really wouldn't stress about it too much! I've had 4 kids and all were VBs. I tore during my first one and had to have 2 stitches, but none with any of my other 3. My fiance says that I'm too tight sometimes and that he would never guess in a million years that I've had 4 kids. Kegles are great and can make all the difference in the world! Besides, I'm sure that there are many things about you that turns you husband on, even if you don't agree with him. What matters is what turns him on about you, not weather or not you agree! I'm sure that if you ask him, he's be happy to list all of your sexy attributes!

As for your concerns about your husband straying: People have affairs because something is missing in their relationship. Love your husband, talk to him, and make sure that you grow together, not apart. Sex is not the only part of a relationship that keeps people together. The better your relationship is OUTSIDE the bedroom, the better it will be INSIDE the bedroom! Make time for each other, be involved with each other's lives, and support each other. If you both do these simple things, your risk of an affair drops drastically. Try not to stress about your husband cheating, or you will drive a wedge between you two. Do what you need to to feel good about yourself and you will feel better about your marriage.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

You've got a lot of responses, but very few of them covered what I deemed to be the primary problem when I read your post. Peg M. covered it the best (waaaay down toward the bottom).
I would say your self esteem is what needs more fixing than any physical attribute that has been mentioned. Most men would sooner run because you're insecure, than if you're a physically imperfect, confident woman. Don't worry so much about the physical. We ALL go south, even those women that never have children.
Look at your post:
"I had no idea what would happen to my belly and breasts after pregnancy and breastfeeding and the shock of it put me into a deep depression and I would not sleep with my husband and it caused MAJOR problems for us." Were the problems caused by the fact that you got a little hammered and stretched out, or were they caused by the fact that you were depressed and insecure about your body and wouldn't sleep with your husband? He loves you. He wants to have sex with you no matter WHAT you look like.
Quit worrying about it. If you want to experience birth the natural way, go for it. Those stretch marks and droopy boobs were proudly bought, and there are throngs of women that feel that way. Perfection is not meant to be ours forever.
Work on getting more confident. Work on your self-esteem. Your babies need a strong woman to guide them through life, and I'm pretty sure your husband would even prefer an imperfect sexy confident vixen over a perfect little flower :)

I have had 3 c-sections and nursed my babies all for a year. My already small breasts are even smaller and they sag and they have that deflated look with stretch marks. I put on quite a bit of weight with each pregnancy but I take weight loss slowly. I know that I need to be healthy to take care of each new baby. Now I am doing pilates and I love the way it makes my body feel and things are looking better. I am almost 40 and I realize that nothing is going back to the way it was physically. I wouldn't change a thing now but after each pregnancy I felt so sad about my body. After the initial shock, I learned to find sexy lingerie that pushed my boobs up and didn't exactly have to come all the way off so I could still look/feel sexy. Over the years I have looked at myself and my life differently. I love my kids, my husband and our life. I have become more confident about myself since I am the one working to raise those kids, make that husband happy and build this life; I am doing a pretty good job at it. My husband is finding that confidence sexy. I can't believe after 12 years and 3 kids how much he still wants me in that way. It is really wonderful. I think it has to do with attitude. As you get older you will grow into that important self esteem that all women struggle with. You are perfectly justified to feel down about your body. Who can help it? Hormones don't help with the emotions either. You look great for many years and then in 9 months it all changes. In my case I was 27 when I got married. I am 5'8"; at that time I weighed about 125 lbs, ran 3 miles a day and had a perfectly flat stomach with small but VERY perky breasts. I had a great body. Nine months and six days after that I gave birth to my first son and I weighed 190 lbs!! Never mind the c-section scar which I now have 3 different ones since different doctors thought a different angle would be better and I sort of "hang" over it a little!!?? I would have tried VBAC just so I didn't have the hang-over if I had known better but I had some other issues. Anyway, all that said, if having babies ruined vaginas then I don't think my mom would have had 6 children with 4 miscarriages or my M-In-L would have had 10 children and never mind the women since the beginning of time. I can't believe your father cheated on your mom because she gave birth vaginally - if that is the reason he gave than he is a bigger jerk than if he just cheated outright. Don't give up on having sex with your husband no matter what. Men seem pretty simple to me and really need to feel that they are the ones driving us wild. If you act like you can't get enough of him, I think he will be pretty happy. Wow, I wrote too much but I hope I helped some. You are really brave to share your feelings with everyone. Keep reminding yourself that you have a nice butt and a pretty face and your beautiful vagina is going to help you have a beautiful baby:) Keep reminding your husband, too!!!

Good luck and God bless!

I had a vaginal birth with my daughter 2 years ago. I have had no vaginal issues whatsoever. My hubby has not complained and if anything, it is actually more enjoyable for me now...
I have a tiny scar from a labial tear, that honestly, I think it's pretty cool - kind of like a reminder of what many nowadays deem an impossible feat.

Maybe I am just lucky, but I really think this is more of an issue with self image, than with actual physical changes. And when I read most answers below, that seems to be the chorus in between the lines.

One thing I have to say: I would NEVER have an OB/GYN for a provider, unless I was planning a c-section for medical reasons. I did not want an episiotomy and had a midwife who ensured me that she would only do them to save the life of my baby in an emergency situation. Laying on your back while pushing, like many hospitals require, is the WORST position for labor and basically guarantees that you will end up with birth injuries.

Even a repeat C does not guarantee that you will not change physically "down there". Most changes come through pregnancy, not the act of birthing itself.

There are no guarantees either way, I would suggest you do some more research and speak with different provider to see what they say in your case.

I had an unmedicated vaginal birth and LOVED the whole experience. It was empowering and life altering. My self esteem and body image were always on the lower end, but after having my daughter I felt like I truly appreciated my body (even in it's deflated post-partum condition) and was amazed by what I could accomplish. This feeling lingers to this day and I always try to recall my daughters birth, when I have a "low self esteem day".

Good luck!

Well, my husband is a great husband now, but he did stray in the past. That did a number on my already-low self esteem. The weight that seemed to magically come on (hypothyroidism), along with the stretch marks, etc, didn't help me at all. But I asked my hubby your question (he's been faithful for 4 years now, and he's sometimes too honest) and he said he didn't notice a difference at all, even after two vaginal deliveries. I don't know if you're religious or not, but you might want to try Beth Moore's book So Long Insecurity. It really helped me as far as how I view myself, though of course it doesn't make me blind to the weight I'm still trying to lose or the stretch marks that completely cover my huge belly.

I was just going to respond the same thing that Cloey said- DO NOT look at your vagina until at least 6 weeks. I also made that mistake and was completely horrified. I cried. I called my sister and cried some more. She asked me "WHY did you do that????" I was curious. Not worth having that curiousity satisfied. Now though, everything looks the same as it ever did before. I had an episiotomy and several (I think 5 or 6?) stitches and everything healed very nicely. Yes, I had an episiotomy, gasp! :) I had told the doc to hold off if she could but she told me there was no way to keep me from tearing terribly if she didn't do it, even after she spent the whole 2 hours I pushed doing perenium massage. Turns out my kid had an off the charts gigantic head. So even after pushing that head out and getting stitches, I still look the same as before. I pee when I sneeze, but that happens regardless. Good luck, and no peeking! :)

After watching me give birth to my son, my husband was more turned on by me than ever. Despite the stretch marks and saggy breasts and gained weight that I cannot lose. He thinks giving birth is the most heroic thing EVER and noticed NO change in my vagina for sex. (I did tear, I did have stitches, and I do have a scar). AND, 3.5 years after having my first child, (I have 2), I have finally lost all but 5 pounds, and my stretch marks are going away. (they're on my calves, of all places). If you want a VBAC, go for it! Your body will thank you for the ability to heal faster, and your beautiful flower will still be beautiful and unstretched.

I squished five out that way, tore 3 times out of 5, lots o' stitches and it's all back to the way it was. Unlike your skin on your belly or boobs, your vagina is pretty darn stretchy, probably the one thing on your body that takes a licking and keeps on ticking like nothing else.
Sounds like you have a bigger issue than this, though, and don't blame baby for every little change that occurs with age. I have noticed that my friends who are childless still have jelly belly skin once they get to their 40's and everything eventually droops.

1- After two vaginal births my husband says my vaginal walls are still as tight as ever. I have noticed our sexual pleasure goes up when I am more physically active- regular walking/running and some easy strength training. Also Kegels each time you go to the bathroom every day. 10 reps of kegels every time you go will keep your vaginal muscle tone high!.
Don't be embarassed- these are valid concerns. Sex is a human right and good sex between you and your husband is an important part of marriage.
My boobs aint what they used to be after nursing two kids but thank god they are still sensitive and we both still enjoy them during sex. Remember you nourished life with them ! what could be sexier.
2- get counseling about your body image issues. The quieter you are about this the more it will eat at you. Even if you just talk honestly to a friend or a sister it will better that letting it fester.
you are brave to share these concerns. You are smart to voice them. Now get to work on addressing them and you will do great!
Peace and blessings.
OAH

It goes back to normal. And if it doesn't, your husband better have the good sense not to mention it to you.

it all goes back the same as it was.

after my first child I had a big tear... and a lot of stitches.. I will not lie.. those first 10 days I was in a lot of pain.. but then it got better.. by the 6 week check up... the pain was gone but I was still sore... but soon that was gone too.

My second child birth was super easy no pain 2 stitches and all was good.

I remember my husband and the dr joking about how many stitches he should put in when the stitched up my small tear.

seriously it all goes back the same as it was. hubby says it might even be better.. you should work on your self esteeem.. you need to love yourself and find value in your self.

Well speaking from a woman who had 3 children C-section and trying for a vbac with the 2nd one. I don't know if it is all worth it. I am smaller down there and personally wonder if sex after child birth would be less enjoyable if I had had my children naturally. I wouldn't worry about a Vbac. Go with what would make you and your family the happiest. You have to be first. If it would mess with your mind, as it already is you might not want to do it. It will be ok. Children are a blessing and sometimes it may be nice to say "I had all my children naturally," but it isn't tatooed on my head that I didn't and I am glad my children all came c-section. Good luck and don't beat up on yourself.

I read most of the responses you received. Your body is different from everyone elses and no two births are exactly the same, so no one can say for sure how a vaginal birth will affect you. While I think we should accept our bodies and be thankful that we have good health and the ability to carry a child, I do understand being uncomfortable with the changes that occur during pregnancy and child birth. I have 2 sons, both vaginal births and it has greatly affected my body. While I have no stretch marks, no veins, all the weight is gone and my breasts still look pretty good, I did have lots of tearing and an episiotomy with my second(he weighed almost 10 lbs. and couldn't safely be delivered without it). I have struggled with the fact that I'm not the same as before. Sex feels different though not in a bad way at all. My husband says it's good for him. Things look a whole lot different down there, too. I'm definitely not the same as before. I can't imagine giving birth and looking like I did when I was 20! I have some stretching, all kinds of scar tissue, but I'd do it again in a minute when I look at my 2 wonderful children. I, also, have a mildly prolapsed uterus from the birth of such a large baby. I have worked h*** o* accepting my body as it is and not dwelling on what it was because that is only self destructive. I am healthy, I have two healthy, happy children, and I don't plan on entering the porno business, so I think I'll be ok with the body God has given me. I hope something I've written has helped you in some way. I know just reading that someone else has the same apprehensions about their body after childbirth as I face helps me. Thank you for asking a question that so many women are afraid to ask. I think if we all knew the facts before we were ever pregnant, it might not be so hard to accpet our bodies afterwards. Good luck to you!

Okay so this may not make you feel better, but I want to be honest and for you to be aware of the issues. I've never had a cesarean so I can't speak to that aspect. After having my son (he'll be two in June), I was MUCH looser than I was before. My husband noticed (although he doesn't mind it) and I of course noticed. I am unable to use tampons anymore because my opening is too wide now and the tampon is not able to get in far enough. I spoke to my OB about it and she said that there is a surgery to repair this but she did not recommend it until after I was done having children. I of course responded how will there be more children if I don't want to have or enjoy sex anymore (since I'm so self conscience). No answer to that. Just be aware of the possible issues, but also know that there is a surgical fix if needed. I would talk to your doc about what your options are if this does happen.

I can honestly say from looking at it myself and from what my husband says -after two natural births (one a 7.12 lb baby and the other a 8.5 lb baby) -mine doesn't look or feel any different. I do Kegel exercises and did them during pregnancy and after birth, but other than that there is no difference. The tightness doesn't feel different to either of us and it doesn't look different either. I thought there might at least be a little scar from the two slight tears I had and had stitched up, but that doesn't even show.

I was a little stretched for a couple of months afterward, but everything seemed to return to normal! :) I don't notice a difference after two kids.

Honey, your body has performed an amazing act by carrying and birthing not only one child, but two! For that, be proud. I know all about stretch marks and saggy breasts, but I'm sure your husband didn't marry you just for your body. If he can't understand that changes occur, then that's his problem.

As for a VBAC, that's AWESOME! Make sure you have a dr who is comfortable with doing it and is supportive of your desires. One of my best friends had her 22 month old via c-section and just Monday had a second child via VBAC. Her dr was excellent at explaining all the possible complications and made it clear that if he felt there was any chance of uterine rupture, he would let her know that she couldn't go forward with it She did a lot of research on VBACs and I can get some good websites from her if you're interested, just send me a private message.

When I had my son I tore terribly and had a ton of stitches. I was fearful to have sex because I thought it would hurt and I thought it would feel different to my husband. When we did finally have sex (at 14 wks post-partum) it felt just as it always had to both of us. There was no pain on my end and it didn't feel loose at all to him.

As others had said don't worry about your vagina stretching out from childbirth! I've had one c-section and two VBAC's and the only problem I've noticed with my vagina after all the healing is done (I had a 3rd almost 4th degree tear the first time and a just barely 2nd degree tear the second time) is that everything is actually tighter! The first time we had sex after birth felt a little like loosing my virginity again and my DH had to take it easy the first few time so that things could stretch out and loosen up again. LOL On top of all of that I think my DH is actually even more physically attracted to me now that he has witnessed me give birth vaginally. He calls me his "fertility goddess". I don't think you will ever regret giving birth vaginally but I do believe you will regret not trying. ::hugs::

www.ican-online.org
www.vbacfacts.com
www.childbirthconnection.com

I just read an article that said that child birth, contrary to popular opinion, does not affect the vaginal muscles in the long term.

After a 6 month recovery, they will return to "normal". Kegels won't help either. Forget for your husband's sake....do them for yours!

The study said that the vaginal muscles weren't affected until something like baby number 4 or 5.

My friend who was pregnant, and subsequently chose to abort, made a comment that she didn't want her vagina all stretched out anyways.

Hm. Such vanity. First of all, it's not true, second of all.....what? Since when does an imagined Hollywood sex life with our husband trump being a mother to an amazing child and being able to give birth vaginally????

I'd tell your husband to go pound sand personally. No, seriously, I would.

I can't believe men say that....he certainly wasn't raised to respect women.

Keep doing kegels throughout your pregnancy and if you have a problem after that, try wearing a tampon - changed often - for 6 weeks once you are healed.

Herbs can do a lot once you finish nursing, so look into those, do your research, there is a lot that can done to help your body to heal. It takes some work, but that would help. Meanwhile it sounds like you could really use a massage at least monthly to help you get in touch with your body again. :o) Best of luck!

Hun I am right there with you. I too had a csection with the first one (currently prego with #2 and praying for a vbac) I know the physical pain of having your guts ripped open and the emotional pain that goes along with it. I can remember one of the first few days of being home I got out of the shower and felt like every time I took a step I was kicking myself in the gut because it hung over so much. And my breast look like week old party balloons. It's been more than three years since my csection and I don't care what anyone says you still feel less than because you had a csection. Pediatricians give me a funny look when they ask how my daughter came into the world. Listening to other stories about vaginal births. And the ordeal of dealing with a baby who now has separation issues because it didn't go through the birth process. I wouldn't let my husband touch me for months afterward, and of course that did a number on our marriage. I don't have any good answers for your situation. If my husband ever said that to me I'd probobly give him a good old fashioned punch in the face and tell him that if he didn't like it he could rely on his hand. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone, in your pain and sorrow after having a csection.

I have a feeling that your kids are still tiny. I say this because my boobs were also deflated...now they are back and d's at that. (my youngest is five) Your body does go back and your stretchmarks should lighten. Yes, i have a small stomach pouch...but nothing a millions situps couldnt fix...just not feeling like going there yet...lol!

Please know that you are most likely NOT going to stretch down there like you think. Forgive me, i did not get to read all of your responses. I had four vaginal deliveries...and my husband nor i notice a difference. For about 2 months after you are cleared to have sex it feels different... it all goes back. I am under the impression this is the case for most.

Don't worry, everything will be fine :)

I know it's hard when you are not dealing well with the skin that you're in (either because it is what you were given or after childbirth). However, I challenge you to put it back where it belongs, that takes hard work and if you are willing to work for it, you can achieve it. You will be a better person all around for it and believe me, when you feel sexy, you are sexy and it will show.
Also, if you have been working out and walking, there should be no need to have a c-section unless you have other issues. Having had four children naturally and then two extractions because of two tubals, I was not a happy camper. After having a vb, I could get up and walk around, laugh, cough or whatever right after. Almost hitting someone in the eye with a staple is not funny. Neither is laughing or coughing after they've gone through 8 layers to cut you open. Sure I have droopy boobies after breastfeeding, but that's what made my tummy pop right back to attention each and every time.

Hey girl! No worries! Easier said that done, yes I know. I have had 3 boys, 5, 2, and 11 weeks and all vaginal. I have had no complaints by my hubby about my vajayjay and I honestly feel if you are comfortable then he will see that and feel more attracted to you. I breastfed and feel my boobies have lost their vavoom but hey, it is part of the battle scars of being a mommy and we should wear them proud. I do plan on getting a boob job once we are done having children however, but I thank God for what I have now and thank Him for the wonderful gift of being able to have healthy children.
Do more for yourself; walk, take a dance class (I have recently taken up belly dancing), buy new make-up and re-vamp your panty drawer. All of those things like that can help with your post-baby self-esteem.
I tore with my first son, but was stitched up and when you are stitched up, they usually put a few extra stitches is which helps to tighten things back up. I personally, if I had a c-section, would stick with it instead of trying to do a vbac.
Hope something that I said helps your heart with all of your worries.

I do know how you feel every since I had my daughter in July I can not even look at myself in the mirror anymore. So I want to be totally honest with you. Every woman is different I had my dughter vaginally and My sister-in law had 2 babies by c-section. She looks way better than I do now. Mostly my fault b/c I do not exercise as much as I should. When I had my daughter I tore VERY VERY bad so I had to have an episiotomy. I had alot of trouble healing from my episiotomy and I was in alot of pain. Prolly because my daughter was in NICU for a week so I did not rest and let myself heal like I shold have. Now sex HURTS BAD. I am much smaller than I was before. So either way you go you need to do what you think is best for YOU! You need to pray about it and do what you feel God is leading you to do. Because like I said every woman is different so you do not really know what is going to happen to your body. But God does so Pray!!! Hope this helps! GOOD LUCK! GOD BLESS!

Oh, Danielle! I wanted to cry and hug you after reading your email! I totally understand the insecurity, frustration and fear you feel. But, understand this, pregnancy in itself is radical change to our bodies. It is a blessing to give birth, we love our children, but our bodies undergo huge change during this time, internal, external, emotional, etc. It is special, sacred, and honorable to have children. Do not worry about your appearance if you choose to have another child or others beyond that. Remember, in time, whatever is lost can be recovered to some degree. After you have more children, you probably won't have the time, energy or interest in caring for your body exclusively, you know, lack of sleep, potty training, breastfeeding, etc. But, in time as they mature, you will get some time again, and you will be able to do concentrated exercise to at least resculpt the new curves motherhood gave you. You might never be a size 8 again, but you can be a curvy, well-toned size 12 when you get the time to take care of yourself. Meanwhile, you can do things like take walks with your children, which will improve your body image and self-esteem. Lift your children as you play with them, instead of weights. As you teach them things like riding bikes and skipping, you'll feel some of the baby weight disappear. (My youngest child is 6 and I'm only NOW losing some of the baby weight. Each person is different.) When you take control back of your body, you'll feel desirable toward your husband. There are reports out that endorphins are released when we exercise, and those feel good hormones can make you feel quite sexy. You might not feel like doing a jog on a treadmill, but a walk through the neighborhood with a newborn and your toddler might help. And, if you're watching your diet, you'll feel like you're taking back some of the control. If you need time to yourself, maybe get a fitness coach to help you if you want to do something more aggressive in the longterm, but know you are not helpless to all of this and that should help fight the depression. It's what I wish a mom had shared with me with my firstborn. Anyway, there's always a chance a VBAC will change your body, further, but you can't worry about a worry. And, don't project your fears onto your husband. He's not your father. But, on the off chance he did lose his mind and leave over something so superficial, it's more of a mark against his character rather than your desireability. Don't get confused. You have a lot to offer, and it's doubtful he would give up his family over something so silly. As for your dad, who knows, there might have been more problems in that relationship than you were aware. But, that's all history. Live in this moment and do the best you can. If you and your husband want more children, then concentrate on that only. If we all worried about the details, what could go wrong, what if, well--none of us would be mothers, hmm?

Updated

You got some REALLY GREAT feedback. I had c-sections, but loved the responses about NOT LOOKING at the va-j-j afterwards. It might help to have hubby not look, either. I've heard of some dads being turned off after watching the birth and then seeing the aftermath. Maybe you both can talk about that ahead of time. As for sagging breasts, etc., rememberl there are now push-up bras, padded bras, etc., to recontour the body, spanx to reshape the body, girdles, OH, the delights of being a girl! And you will need to be refitted for bras. As we age, in general, breasts sometimes do sag, but when they're pushed up, you'll need a fuller cup as well as an increased size! That should delight you and your hubby! I'm lifting weights to resculpt and tone. Not interested in looking like a bodybuilder, or even a model. Just working with what I have and using a small kit I got on sale at Target. I haven't lost weight, but I'm toned and the fat is turning to muscle. I feel sexier, even if I'm not stopping any traffic. My hubby also enjoys my improved self-esteem.

Hi Danielle,

I just wanted to write and let you know that approximately 60% of people fear that their genitals are not "normal". I'm sure childbirth has a lot to do with this fear! I have had 3 children, all vaginally, and there seems to be no change in the appearance of my coochie (is that how you spell it?). It looks the same as when I was 20. I, too worried about giving birth, and whether I would maintain tightness, appearance, etc., and so far everything has been fine. I encourage you to go ahead and have a vaginal birth. Your hubby will be amazed to see the baby be born that way, and you will have a much quicker recovery. (At least in theory.) Good luck to you.

K.

I delivered vaginally and everything was fine afterwards, with far less physical trauma than a c-section would have been. Even if therey need to cut a little they can stitch you up and recovery is quick and not too painful. You'll go back to being the way it was before, don't stress it too much.

Hormonally though it's another issue, sometimes the changes in pregnancy can cause discomfort and bring on postpartum depression, but that is in no way caused by how you deliver. Drug therapy is somatimes necessary to normalize hormones (be careful if nursing, most drugs are not safe if the pass through to the milk).

Emotionally too you might feel a sense of rejection from your husband's comments (not very nice, even if joking). I've struggled with this too, at silly comments made in jest (sausage legs, sagging skin ughh etc) that I in some way might have encouraged when I talked about this or that happening, but deep inside these can hurt. Men are insensitive sometimes.

Talking with someoneone might help - ideally a support group with other moms. Ask at your local hospital, the mommy and me groups deal not only with how-to advice but how to deal with baby and the physical changes you go through, as well as relationships with your hubby, in-laws, friends, etc. If you are feeling depressed now, seek the help of a psychologist ASAP, it will only get worse after the baby is born.

HI there. I read several responses and I have to say, everyone must experience something different. My son is 3 months old and I'm still breast feeding so I can't comment on the deflated boob issue. However, I did have an uneventful vaginal birth (8 pounds 6 ounces) with some tearing and stitches and, I have to say that I have to pee like an old man with an enlarged prostate! I also seem to feel a bit stretched out "down there" too. My husband said it feels the same to him (and everything seems to be totally normal during sex so, I believe him). I've been doing tons of kegels to get things back to normal. You need to do what's best for you. Good luck.

just remember one day your tites are gonna sag any way so why not have them sag for a great reason(breastfeeding) and from what i hear the only that came "ruin" your vagina is men running through it constanly not giving birth. my boyfriend says he can't even tell i had a baby. your husband will still love you. it's ok if your body changes shoot his will too! every concern you mentioned i think i can safely say we all have had them. I have worms( stretch marks") all on my thighs! lol and my grils have sagged a little since i had my son 3 years ago it's OK. i watched a Katt Williams comedy special one day and he said " Stretch marks means 2 things, you were fat and lost weight or you were skinny and gained weight either way we F&*^&%!" and that's how men feel even though they do love us to death they don't care if you a little "loose " it's from having his baby! they understand. But i know how you feel all the way around, don't worry! lol Goodluck!

LOL at some of what you said =) When I was pregnant with DD, my hubby thought it was funny to say after I gave birth that sex would be just like "throwing a hot dog down a hallway". I was seriously a little freaked out about stretching especially after hearing this crude analogy! By the way, my husband and I both have an off sense of humor and I knew he meant nothing mean by this--just trying to be funny. Anyway I can tell you that my lady-parts look just the same as they did after I had the baby and my husband is just as keen to get a look at them =) I actually asked him after I had the baby and we first got back to having sex if I felt any "looser". he said actually it felt a bit tighter and was just fine--he couldn't really tell a difference. I will be 100% honest with you and say that during the vaginal birth I tore and had an episiotomy and I took the full 6 weeks before I felt totally healed. I had a problem with dryness after that (don't know if it was the birth or just my hormones that was the problem) but I told my midwife and she prescribed me some estrogen cream and it helped me out. I am not telling you these details to scare you, just so that you remember if there is any problems after the birth you should not hesitate to express your concerns to your doc no matter what they are. I hope you get your VBA2C if that is what you decide on and don't forget to do those kegels!

.

I will say I have had 4 children naturally and did not have anything damaged in the way you are worried about. I will tell you that the vaginal birth HAS changed our sex lives....for the better, I have become sensitive and responsive in ways I never was before the births, and trust me that is a turn on for my husband. I would never take on the risks of another c section, let alone not have the incredible confidence that comes from a natural birth. In fact it can totally change the way you see your life and your body and so on by having a natural birth, I would always do my best to have that opportunity!

I would also suggest that perhaps you join a women's group or go to some counceling if you are so concerned about your body, it will always be changing as you give birth, care for your child and such. You should be able to love it....yes this is much easier said than done, but it might be helpful.

Very few of us look like we did before we had kids. Some may loose the weight, some may not get stretch marks but end up with saggy boobs, etc. There are a few who do, but I am not part of that group. I had a twin pregnancy which ended up in one vaginal birth and one emergency c-section. So I managed to experience it all in one trip to the hospital!! My stomach muscles are not great but that's probably my fault for not exercising enough, but I was lucky that the stretch marks were minimal and the c-section scar is virtually non-existent. The biggest change was to my vagina. I am not as tight as I was - I expected this bit, but due to the episiotomy (sp?) things don't look the same as they did when I went into the hospital. I love my OB/GYN and he is fantastic, but since I had some complications during the c-section, I think he rushed and just stitched me up and didn't exactly put everything back in it's original position. Everything works, and I certainly do feel what I"m supposed to during sex (thank goodness!!) but from a visual standpoint, no things simply don't look the same as they did before the delivery.

If I could go back, I'd simply have scheduled the c-section right off and been done with it, because the episiotomy was the one thing I truly didn't want. I figured if I ripped a bit, well that happens, but too many docs decide to cut as soon as they see just a bit of tearing to "make a clean cut that can be stitched up better". That may or may not be true, but I wish I had told him to not cut down there unless absolutely necessary. Tearing or being cut is really the biggest reason your vagina may look differently after a vaginal birth. The tightness thing is more of an internal issue than an exterior viewing issue.

My suggestion, talk to the hubby. Tell him your insecurities especially after what you went through with the last births. Lay it on the line and give him the opportunity to man up and assure you that your "flower" my just look like it bloomed more!!

Try to keep a sense of humor about it. Unless we're willing to work out and eat right (I eat pretty well but am admittedly lazy) or have the genes of goddesses, we look like we look and having babies just seems to suck so much out of us, there is no vanity in having kids!!!
Good luck
J.

After the birth of my first daughter vaginally I was just fine afterwards you would have never known a baby came out of there! My second child a boy very broad shoulders ripped me to pieces (just being honest) I have never been the same since, I will be having my third in a few weeks and have been talking with my midwife and hubby about getting a little reconstructive surgery. Now this is not very common at all. My husband was their and to be quit honest as much as the area doesn't look very pleasing he is so awed by what I was able to overcome as far has having my sons shoulders stuck and being able to get him out without any outside help from other, no vacuum, or forceps used. I am not saying this to steer you towards another c-section as I am a firm believer in natural if possible it is such an amazing experience. But from what I read you don't want sugar coating so this is my story. Now I delivered without pain medecine and would not listen to the nurses and doctors about slowing down because of the pain I just wanted the baby out. So yes I claim a good portion of the fault in what happened so if you are planning on having some drugs your odds of having this issues diminishes greatly.

I had a 10 pound ,22 inch long baby with a big head on my first vaginal birth, and I had no episiotomy.
There was a slight tear (not toward the perenium but upwards), which healed wonderfuly- no stitches. I am no super health mom!
If you have a VERY experienced doctor (mine has been birthing for 40 years) who is into natural birth, there should be no need for an epesiotomy.

i am currently prgnant w/ our third son, our first 2 were vaginal births and so will this one (if God sees fit.). And I'll tell you, I am very insecure about my body. I also have the droopy boobs, stretch marks, you name I got it. My husband keeps telling me he would pay for a boob job when we are done having kids. I was a nice B/C, now I'm like a droopy D. lol. I may never get my body back the way I want, but I love my children to death. I am insecure, till my husband touches my body and it all goes away. He says he can't tell a difference after me giving birth. Those things have a way of bouncing back. :) I can totally feel how you feel. I feel that way to sometimes. Try to embrace the changes that come w/ having a child, it may give us battle scars (which I tell my boys when they point out my scars on my stomach), but they are a sign of the blessings we have given to this world. I know the self-esteem thing never goes away, but it does get better after a while. It did for me whenI got down to my pre-pregnancy weight.

I think plastic surgery is completely valid, if you can afford it. Vain it may be, trivial, shallow, blah blah blah, but it feels great to feel attractive, and we women give up a LOT to bring these little creatures into the world. After a tummy tuck, my stomach has never looked better...

I have had 2 c-sections (I can't have vaginal births) and if I were you I would just have anther c-section. When they are planned they go so much better and it doesn't make you any less a mom for having them. If you and your hubby like the way your vagina is right now just keep it as is :)

well! what a nice husband! i'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he said it to sincerely compliment you, not to add to your self-doubt.
your vagina will be fine, hon. it will take a little time for it to recover from its ordeal (birth IS h*** o* a hoo-ha after all) but you are young and it takes many babies for it to lose its natural elasticity.
menopause will take a greater toll than childbirth.
i understand your childhood-induced fears and it will take more than some soothing words to overcome them. but remember that your husband was still around and wanting to make love to you after your first birth and all the changes it wrought in your body. obviously he does not react to them the way you do.
depression also makes it harder to have the discipline to eat better and move more. your body will not return to pre-babies condition but you also don't have to settle for one that you're not comfortable living in.
go for the vbac. it's an experience you don't want to miss if it's at all possible, and your vagina will come through it like the champion it is!
:) khairete
S.

Danielle,
yuo got some GREAt answers. I definately reccommend doing KEGELS. Google it or ask our OB/GYN how to do them, they are an awesome 'excercise' for yuor vaginal muscles.
Also about covering yuor insecurities, maybe a professional can help? Maybe you have/ or had post partum and didn't even know it. I did and it lasted for two years after my 2nd one was born. I am weaned off medication and my self confidence is up and things are going well...
As for a VBAC have you discussed it with your OB/GYN? i would ahve LOVED to have one(have 3 kids) but it wasn't possible because of the size of my hips etc. I mean as long as there is no medical reason you should have a c-section then plan on a vaginal birth. At first I wanted one b/c I thought oh maybe I'd bond more or whatever and want the experience of a vaginal birth but really who cares? As long as the baby comes out healthy right? And I bonded just fine with all 3 children :))
So if you do kegels and don't look at your vagina in the first 6 weeks after birth and pray about it hopefully it won't 'stretch' out etc.
Good Luck on all yuor research and I hope your self esteem gets a boost from all thse wonderful answers you've received! :))

I've had two children vaginally with minimal tearing, and I can say that is definitley goes back to normal. I have a small scar from my first baby (wouldn't have torn at all but his hand came out with his head and kinda snagged me) but it healed up just fine and there is no noticable difference from it. I highly reccomend making sure you get a doctor who DOES NOT cut routine episiotomies or you will basically be guaranteed to have a big scar. Also, I would do perenial massage in the last few months of your pregnancy to help your vagina get used to streching so you will be less likely to tear. If you would like instructions on how to do this, either Type Perrenial Massage into google, or send me a message and I'll tell you. I really wouldn't worry about having your "girl" look different... Vagina's are MADE to have a baby, and they are very stretchy and go back after birth rather quickly. You can expect sex to be a bit tender for a while but that is it.

It goes back to normal, although it takes a few Kegals.

I just wanted to add, I saw some people mention scaring. I had 3rd degree rips with my first (he came out with one arm up by his head) and needed several stitches. I suppose if you looked really close you could see a small scar, but when my husband is down there, he is not studying it like it is some famous painting!! :)

My advice ... get counseling. First and foremost deal with the REAL issues here.

After that then do kegels. I had all 3 of my kids vaginal (and all 3 were over 20 inches long) and I'm still tight as a drum. Our vagina's are one size fits all and with a minimal amount of care are MADE to stretch to fit ANYTHING. They are also MADE to shrink back.

Good luck :)