Early Miscarriage - I Know It's Common but Can't Help Wondering If It's My Fault

I personally think the miscarriage rate would be much higher if the type of miscarriage you had were calculated in! If it weren't for the early pregnancy tests you do at home, you probably wouldn't have even known you were pregnant! You would have just thought your period came later than usual.

I had this kind of miscarriage too and did a lot of research about it. The embryo wasn't developing properly so the miscarriage occurred. There was nothing you did that caused this! I also think with type of miscarriage, you don't have to wait to try again!

Good luck!
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My doctor told me that if it is a strong pregnancy/embryo it will take pretty much no matter what you do . None of the things you did would cause a miscarriage. You did nothing wrong. Please stop beating yourself up. Hope it gets easier:)

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I had my miscarriage in 2005 at 11weeks. I had had spotting all along and the drs. had told me at 8wks that the development numbers weren't looking good, even though there was a heartbeat that they the miscarriage would be a 90% possibility. Sure enough....

They couldn't tell me what happened, just that the baby didn't seem to be growing. One dr. said that there was probably something wrong that couldn't be seen on the ultrasound. There was enough 'magic' to create the sac, for a body, and start the heart, but that after that whatever was wrong wouldn't let the baby grow.

While I am sad that I went through that, and think about that baby often, I see that time as a learning experience. I learned that I wanted to have a 2nd child. My husband learned that HE wanted a second child. Up til the moment I took the test we had been just floating through life. A few months later I was pregnant again. I was a nervous wreck through the whole pregnancy waiting for the worst to happen. I was able to carry the baby to term, and actually had a wonderful delivery (compared to the first).

If I hadn't had the miscarriage, I wouldn't have my daughter now, and that I can't imagine.

Hugs.
M.

I've been there - 8 weeks in and no heartbeat... then waiting for the miscarriage - then a DNC. Long story short - IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. If motherhood has taught me anything, I am not in control of much. In this case, the nurse was right. It's nature's way. Now it's over 4 years later and I have two wonderful kids - who might not be here if my first pregnancy as gone "as planned". Trust that the universe/God has a better plan in store. Mourn the loss - as it is one - and then work on not blaming yourself. You REALLY did NOTHING wrong. Take Good Care.

Did you even know you were pregnant before you miscarried? Reading your post and based on the fact that you were only 4-5 weeks I would say you didn't.

Of course it's not your fault. There is nothing you could have done to stop this miscarriage because this baby was not meant to be. Even if you would have stayed home, in bed, wrapped in bubble wrap, you would have misscarried. This has no reflection on you. In time you will have a baby and he/she will be lucky to have such a loving women as their momma.

The nurse is probably right stop blaming yourself. :)

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Don't second guess yourself. there are plenty of women that smoke and drink and do scary things before finding out at 8 weeks that they are pregnant. You can't keep second guessing yourself, or you will make yourself crazy. If asking your doctor will make you feel better, do.

I'm not sure that there is any way to truly know why things happen as they do. Good luck next time.

You didn't do anything wrong and that's the hardest thing to come to terms with.
You are hoping for a reason....any reason as to why this happened to you.
Take it from me.....sometimes there is no reason. Even if they could give you one, it wouldn't answer why.
These things happen and it really, really hurts, but blaming yourself is counterproductive.
To the point you're wondering if having menthol cough drops could have caused it?
You didn't do anything wrong.
Miscarriage hurts. But, you don't even have to be religious to think that sometimes God knows what he's doing.
I've been there and it might take you a while to realize that it just wasn't meant to be. It's hard to wrap your head around it at the time, but you can get through this.
I'm sorry this happened, but don't blame yourself.

I wish you the best.
One miscarriage doesn't mean you can't have a healthy baby.
I'll say a prayer for you.

i had a few... and my mom would tell me that you could go sky diving or scuba diving or climb a ladder.. if it's meant to be.. it will be... i know my babies are up in heaven.. Gods little angels.. with the last one.. i stayed in bed for 3 weeks and still lost it... it just wasn't meant to be... good luck to you in the future.. God will bless you.. he blessed me with 2 beautiful babies from Korea.. and i love them so much!!

It's normal to feel what you feel. We can't help our feelings. But generally when a miscarriage happens that early, it's because the fetus wasn't viable. So much is going on in cell development and if it's not going right, the body knows it. Your body was taking care of you, you weren't doing anything wrong. If you feel you need to get help to get over the loss, please don't hesitate - take care of yourself.

Nothing you described would hurt a healthy pregnancyso please don't blame yourself. Most women who have been pregnant have done similar things without it causing problems. I know I lifted my 30 lb toddler thru most of my second pregnancy (heavy lifting is only a problem in the later months when you are larger and off balance). I also took cold medicine, had 2 drinks and went in a hot tub before I knew I was pregnant.
It is far more likely that there was something wrong in the development of the embryo. I can understand why you are sad and feel a loss. But what if the alternative was a severely disabled child. Just something to consider. Having children is all about taking risks, big and small, right from the beginning of pregnancy. I had uneventful pregnancies and difficult deliveries (we didn't know if my oldest would make it at first but he did). You just don't know when it will catch up with you.

Women ALWAYS question "was it something I did" and the answer is NO! This is extremely extremely common. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I had two miscarriages before having a healthy baby. It was devastating. Yes, it is common to feel guilty. No... it is not your fault. Miscarriage is your body's way of taking care of something that wasn't going to end up being a healthy baby. Try not to blame yourself. You could have stood on you head the entire time and not done a darn thing, and you still would have had a miscarriage. It's a very natural event. I know it sure doesn't feel like it at the time though. My heart goes out to you.

Miscarriages are mostly about the pregnancy not developing properly. My mom had seven kids and in the midst of that we moved about 20 times. Talk about strain. Having a child is the most feminine, womanly thing we do and we want to do it right. But sometimes the fetus is just not developing properly and if the body detects enough defects, it gets rid of it to start over. You are going through a perfectly normal adjustment to a miscarriage. Its common to feel guilty and wonder if you did something wrong. Keep in mind that you were not very far along, the embryo is too small at 5 weeks to be affected much by your activities. I"m sorry your going through this. It will get better. Give yourself time to recover from the miscarriage before getting pregnant again and before you know it, you'll have an adorable child in your arms.

I think the rate is more like 50% but many do not know they are pregnant that early. I was 10 or 12 weeks - the baby was deformed - the heart was beating & strong but the size of her head. I had my miscarriage on an airplane over Chicago. My doctor said that the airplane flight did not cause it and if it was a viable pregnancy it would not have gone that way. I have had four healthy baby boys since then... My bug regret is that the lost baby was my girl... With my third I found out I was pregnant the day I was getting on an airplane to England. I was so nervous. I was 5 weeks... Everything went fine...

I have had five miscarriages, so I know EXACTLY how you feel. I still struggle with these exact feelings. I have come to believe that the advice the nurse gave you is absolutely correct. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Think of all the people in the world now and in the history of the world. Were all those moms taking it easy? Absolutely not. Billions of babies are born to moms who work demanding physical jobs, skydive, take drugs, etc. So please make peace with yourself. Nature decreed this was not to be. I know how much we want a reason, we feel we did not protect the baby enough. If only we had tried harder the baby would be fine. But this is just not true. Our bodies are designed to do exactly what you were doing, so you did NOTHING wrong. The sad result would have happened even if you were on bedrest under a doctor's care. Nature heals itself, and that is what happened. No more, no less. Please be at peace. This was beyond your control Your feelings are normal, and show what a wonderful mom you will be when the time is right.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Do not blame yourself, it is not anyone's fault. Unfortunately and inexplicably, many people do horrible toxic drugs and are able to carry through a pregnancy (not fair, I know). Each individual has a different combination of health issues that are going to add up to what makes a healthy pregnancy. Yours might be more tenuous for some reason.

I was told the same thing when I had a miscarriage. My opinion is that my OB/gyn didn't recognize that I had a progesterone issue. AFter doing some research, I saw that my ovulation is late in my cycle (like a day or two before I got a period), and that was often a sign of a progesterone deficiency in the second half of a cycle. Lunar phase I think it's called. Anyway my early ultrasound on that miscarriage (8 weeks) showed a 2 week later conception date than they'd assumed. 2 weeks later I miscarried. OB said she thought it just wasn't developing at the proper rate. Next pregnancy, early ultrasound showed the same, conception 2 weeks later than they expected. But I decided to try progesterone cream to support the pregnancy, for the first 16 weeks. The pregnancy was healthy and I have a wonderful baby girl.

Though I still mourn my miscarriage, and it was devastating to go through, I eventually was able to look to the future. I now knew that a healthy pregnancy meant more to me than almost anything else. More than my diet, personal products, cleaning products, and not exercising. I just did an overhaul on my lifestyle, took out anything potentially toxic or endocrine disrupting (including cleaning products, personal products, and many essential oils and herbs), got a book called Fertility Wisdom, got a good fix up with a TCM herbalist and acupuncturist, and used the progesterone cream.

Best wishes for a happy healthy pregnancy ahead of you. Some women find it very healing to go through a ritual to mourn the miscarriage.

This is NOT your fault. Early miscarriages are very common. Now they seem more common because in my mother's day you didn't really think about being pregnant until you missed one or two periods. Now we can find out so much sooner. When they miscarried at 4-6 weeks they just thought their period was late. As uncomforting as it is, this is natures way of taking care of things when it's not going as well as it should. Think of it this way - it's amazing that one cell divides and becomes a complete person. How does some part know to become the heart, another part the brain, etc? No wonder it doesn't always happen correctly! This is bad luck for you, but you did not cause it and you are not alone!

You did not do anything to cause the miscarriage, do not blame yourself. With my first pregnancy which is suposed to be the riskiest one for miscarriages, I didn't know I was pregnant and I decided to learn how to roller blade... I fell on my bottom many, many times, then went on a road trip and water boats etc. It was a coincidence that I got pregnant right before we went on vacation and that baby was carried out to full term with no complications.
I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant when we were back. You cannot imagine the amount of guilt I felt afterwards, it's our first instinct to blame ourselves. but it's really not your fault, you could have done everything right and still have had a miscarriage.
You have every right to grieve your precious baby (to me it's a baby as soon as an egg is fertilized but that's another topic) but please do not blame yourself, I really believe that when it's meant to be it will happen, it just wasn't this time.
have a great day!

It happens more than people know. Because for many of us, unless we are trying, aren't even aware that we were pregnant that early on in the pregnancy. Just trust that you did nothing wrong. My sister and I both had miscarriages before 10 weeks, and I went through 3 confirmed early miscarriages before I had my son. I definitely think that there was a something determining that this was the child I was supposed to have. He is a perfect blend of me and my husband.

If you talk to people I think you will realize that that 30% is probably a low estimate. It is crazy how many people I have found that have dealt with the similar issues.

If you are trying to conceive and have a couple more early miscarriages I would recommend talking with your doctor. Not that you did anything, but there are some medical things that can cause these issues that may need to be remedied. I did have to undergo some testing prior to conceiving. Some insurances will cover as long as it is not considered testing for fertility. I had to do a little fighting with my insurance on some of the tests, but luckily my doctor stuck by me and convinced them that the testing was to confirm that the miscarriages we just not an effect of something else being wrong that would cause other major issues down the line.

Good luck, and trust that there is nothing that you could have done to change the outcome.

I thought the same thing after my miscarriage. I was about 7 weeks along. I'm not super religious, but I did think that God had a plan for me and really spent a lot of time praying. Although it took awhile, once I convinced myself to trust in God's plan, it really did become better. And when I did get pregnant the second time, instead of worrying about another miscarriage, I had the calm about the situation. I thought it was very strange that I could be so calm, and when people asked if I was nervous, I really wasn't. I had a beautiful baby girl 13 months after my miscarriage. There are times where I still get sad about what happened, but I really think it happened so I can have my daughter.

No, it's not your fault and there's nothing you could have done differently.

I've miscarried twice and I had the same questions/guilt. Especially the first time. My OB told me that the miscarriage rate is probably close to 50%. Most people just don't know they're pregnant when they miscarry. For me, just knowing how many other women had the same loss made it easier to reason that it can't that common and every moms fault. It has to just be what is it. A sucky thing that happens.

As a side note to this, I was also worried about being able to have a healthy baby. I now have two, two years apart. One miscarriage doesn't mean all will be.

Dear S.,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I think that the nurse is correct; so many losses occur just because of chromosomal issues; the fetus develops until it doesn't. This has happened to me and I have to say that although I *knew* all of this intellectually, there was still a journey through loss and grief I had to got through with each miscarriage. There's something almost reassuring about the idea that, if we just know what 'we did' to cause our pregnancy losses, we can prevent them from happening again and avoid the tremendous pain and grief that comes with losing a baby. It's also natural to want to protect your baby, and when we feel like we've been unable to do so (whether or not this is biologically true), we might feel a sense of personal failure, which can compound the hard feelings that go with the loss.

All we can really do is to try to accept what happened, move through the emotions that come up (usually the feelings surrounding miscarriage are about so much more than the potential baby alone) and try to be as loving and forgiving to ourselves as we can. If you find yourself blaming yourself, please find someone trustworthy ( a nonjudgmental, supportive woman or counselor) to talk to. You shouldn't carry this on yourself. No one is to blame, especially not you. Take good care.

mine was caused by a urinary tract infection and yes the guilt is normal even if you know there was no way to prevent it. it was probably not anything you did just happens

My first, third and fifth pregnancies ended in miscarriages but my second and fourth pregnancies resulted in beautiful healthy babies. After my first miscarriage I felt just like you do, and then during my second pregnancy I spent the entire nine months making sure I did everything perfectly. Once my son was born I couldn't imagine life without him, and if my first pregnancy had resulted in a baby, I never would have had my son! I knew then that God knows exactly what's supposed to happen when it's supposed to happen. When I had my second miscarriage I really felt at peace with it, knowing that good things were to come; and after my daughter was born I felt even more at peace, life is working out just the way it's meant to. While pregnant with my daughter I relaxed a lot, knowing that even if I drink one soda or put my feet in the hot tub "I" did not cause my miscarriages. If you are keeping yourself generally healthy and being conscious of how you treat your body then you can rest assured that miscarriages just happen, and it's not your fault!

S. - I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Please believe that this was NOT your fault & do not beat yourself up over it. I've had 2 miscarriages myself and I know how you analyze everything you did (or didn't do) that could have caused it. But truly, this was not your fault. I went on to have a beautiful baby boy (he's 6!) and just got pregnant again (after cancer & many years of trying). There is hope that things will work out for you. I know it is so common for us to second guess ourselves, but much of this is beyond our control. All you can do is take the best care of yourself & the baby as you can & hope for the best. Please know that many women have been in your shoes & you are not alone in the guilty feelings. I wish you the best of luck & hope everything works out for you in the future. Take care!

E.

I had a miscarriage when I was 22. I was 3 1/2 mo preg. I was mortified. I kept going through ideas in my head, wondering if there was something I did that cause the preg to end. I talked with my Dr and found out that majority of miscarriages are because the chromosomes and genes in the body that are supposed to make up the baby, don't always get to complete the process the way it's supposed to, in turn causes a miscarriage. You didn't do anything to cause the miscarriage to happen. Don't be too h*** o* yourself. Nature just saw fit that this wasn't meant to be. Don't worry hon, you'll have yourself a beautiful baby and you are going to be so happy that you had the experiences you went through in your life to get to that point. I now have two beautiful children and I couldn't be happier. I still wonder sometimes what would have become of the child that I was preg with and lost, but then I realized, it just wasn't the right time and my body knew that. *hug* I'm so sorry hon for your loss.

I know I am such the minority here but this is what I have always felt about miscarriages....what is the first question your doctor asked you? "When was the last time you had sex?". Right? Now even tho they say you CAN have sex and it "shouldn't" affect your pregnancy, I always wondered. Soooo....I was one of those women (I'm sure there is VERY few of us) who did not have sex AT ALL during my pregnancies. I got pregnant in my 30's and am overweight. So just something to think about. I never had a miscarriage and my husband didn't suffer either! ;o) Good luck to you!