Divorced Mamas: Changing Child Support and Visitation

I want to offer 1 suggestion and say THANK YOU for something you shared.

With difficult ex's - I have found that mediating together in the same room wasted all day and all the money because of the exact same dynamics as you noted. However...a mediator WILL allow you to be in a separate room, your ex in a separate room, and the mediator will go back and forth between rooms. Had I known this was an option earlier, I would have required it. I will NEVER meet in the same room with him again, ever, for mediation. In my case, I can't even do conferences or meetings with my child's counselor together. When my ex couldn't get to me voluntarily comply with his expectations, he resorts to manipulation, followed by door slamming in front of my son's counselor, then threats and then using my son as a weapon. I can only feel safe to speak up when he is not there to interfer with that process for me. My ex is a Narcassist and that fact won't ever change so I had to change how I interacted.

Second - thank you for how you phrased your sentence "He's always played the fact that he thinks I'll do what's best for the kids - as long as its convenient for him". I have never had a simple way of explaining the dynamic in my case, until your sentence. Thank you!

Good luck!
D.

since he moved out of state-make him carry the burden of travel cost-and good for you for standing your ground! keep it up!...cant stand a bully...i made my exhubby do all the traveling-he lived north-you want to see the kids-you make the effort.good luck

I have an intrastate support order. It involves Indiana because that is where we both lived at the time of the order. My husband and I now live in Florida and the ex in Michigan so the amount he pays is based off of MI guidelines, it is sent to IN and they send it to FL whom pays me via direct deposit. FL is my DDs home state so we follow the minimum guidelines for FL. We don't follow it to a T because we can't afford all the plane rides nor take the whole day to drive half way between both of us so she normally goes for 4-6 weeks over the summer. We normally go to IN for Christmas so I make sure she spends some time with him if he comes to town too.

I book the plane ticket and we split the cost. I pay the UM (unaccompanied minor) fee for me to him and he pays it for the travel back. If he makes a lot more money than you, then see if you can get him to pay 3/4 of the travel cost or all of it. My DD's dad and I were never married so I've never gone to court for anything, I've just done it through what they call the Friend of the Court.

Good luck and if you have any more questions, you can message me on here :)
S.

I think mediation is wonderful. It should work where you get a chance to talk, then he gets a chance to respond, then back to you, then back to him, etc...then the mediator comes up with a plan that she/he thinks will be agreeable to both of you. If it isn't they go back and refine it. This saves the judge from having to sit through another day of court where he says, she says, he says louder, she says louder....they have heard it all before and do not want to hear it again.

The mediator's job is to help you work out all the details of the agreement before going to court. If you can't agree then the judge's decision is final.

I have seen many different parenting plans for out of state visitation. The more typical is one parent has them for the school year the other for summer, spring and Christmas vacation.

The support is then adjusted for the percentage of custody.

I believe getting the kids there and back falls under the standard language, the parent who is ending their custody period is responsible for getting the children to the other parent.

I still live in the same city as my ex but have looked into it because it is damn tempting to get away from my ex.

If he's the one that moved away. I would let him pay for it all. I think it all has to do with how you work it out between the two of you and a mediator. If he doesn't see them often he should be willing to pay. I would go to the mediator. He is just going to play this game again and drag it out and have it take longer. Don't settle.

Just wanted to say "Good for You!" I am glad you are standing up for yourself!

Just so you know. A mediator doesn't help all that much. They aren't there to make any decisions for you just try to get you both to compromise and talk calmly. I would watch out too because they often push harder for the female to compromise due to the fact that they are often more reasonable and men get angry easier. Go in asking for much more than what you want or what you have asked for before in conversation with your ex. That way you have points to give in on and only compromise if he is giving in on something. There isn't any standard. It all depends on how much you want to give in. One girlfriend of mine was convinced by the mediator into giving her ex half visitation and having to drive half the distance because he stood his ground and she gave in. Another girlfriend was not required to drive or pay any expenses of transport for the kids because she insisted it was his expense because he chose to move and she couldn't afford it and she stuck to it. They were sent back to the judge and he refused to order her to pay expenses that would cause her hardship and when the ex said "well I can't afford to pick them up every other weekend", the judge suggested that he negotiate for less visitation that he could afford and sent them back to mediation to discuss it further. Basically you need continue to be strong because anything you give in to will bother you for years if you get an unfair deal. If you think you are being to agreeable, ask for a short break and call a friend that will cheerlead your backbone up. Good Luck!