Diminishing Libido & Fatigue

I hear you! I am going through the same thing. I am only 36 and married for the last 10 years. Been with my husband for 20. We have 3 boys 7, 3, 15 months. I have no desire what so ever and I haven't for the past 6 years or so. It is very frustrating for my husband. He just doesn't understand that it is nothing personal. Recently I talked to my doctor about it. He started me on Wellbutrin. It's only been a week or so, but one of the side effects of the medicine is an increased libido. I am only trying this for my husbands sake and he doesn't even know I am on it. Because if it doesn't work I don't want him hounding me everyday to see if it is working. It's worth a try. Hope that helps.

Men are action oriented. You can tell a man you love him, but he will not feel loved unless you show him he is, and for most men that is by not only having sex with them, but WANTING to have sex with them. The best way I found to increase my desire was to simply start saying yes. I was never in the mood when we started, but I always had fun, and I found that the more I did it, the more I wanted it. Than I started trying to initiate it at least once a week. Well, my husband felt so loved and content he started doing more and more to try to make me as happy as possible. He now helps more with the house and the kids, and I do not even have to ask, he just feels so loved and content he want to do anything he can to try to make my life easier and happier. I had to remember that being a mother, worker, or anything thing else, did not mean I stopped being a wife. I was ignoring one of my most very important relationships. I liked the book "the proper care and feedings of husbands", it really opened my eyes to a lot of things, even though some of it was a bit outdated, the core message was great, and following the advice I did find that the power to create a happier life and family really was in my control the whole time. I am not surprised your husband does to understand why you do not want him, it is like you are saying to him "I just do not have time for you, you are unimportant and last on my list of things to care about, leave me alone I do not really love you." When I became more available to my husband, and moved him back up on my priority list, our relationship improved 10 fold.

Well L.,

First know that you are not alone in this area. Many, if not most women have to mentally feel satisfied in order to want to satisfy anyone else. Women have a lot on their plates and are emotionally and physically drained by the end of the day. Not to mention COMPLETELY different in the bedroom department compared to men. Men have a completely different need in that area. It is a stress reliever for them too. They are very physical, we are very emotional/mental. The last thing we want to do is give away more of ourselves to another needy person. After all, they are big boys right? Get on with yourself dude.

I understand you have several issues going on in your life and you have had some pretty tramatic things happen here in recent times. Marriage is always testing.

BUT, I will tell you this. The communication lines have got to be open if you do not want him to have an affair. He has to understand where you are coming from, and just admit to him that you're sorry that you haven't been able to meet his needs. And there may be some ways to have him help meet your needs so you're more apt to want to "give in". I know this from an aweful experience in my own marriage.

You just have to convince yourself sometimes starting early in the morning that today will be a day for him. It IS a NEED for a man. Not so much a woman, but most certainly for a man. There are times where you have to become less focused on yourself being drained and focus on meeting this NEED of his. It's like their number 1 need next to eating and sleeping.

A lot of what a woman does goes unnoticed and unappreciated. But if you look into Scriptures, you will find the the Father and Creator notices your efforts, and that's who you want to please the most.

A good book to read is called "Sheet Music". You will discover in this book the NEED for "relations" by a man. And after all, you wouldn't want someone else meeting this need. But women have their needs too, and if a man is God fearing and loving, he will meet his wife's needs. He has got to understand your needs as well.

Talk to your Dr. about the low sex drive, it can be a result of medications for one thing. Also, they are used to hearing that question. More and more women experience this and their are some herbal remedies that can help, your Dr. may tell you about some, but mostly destressing and rebuilding the romance will do it.

Also, as opposed to sex, men need to understand that it takes a lot for romance, kind words, soft touching throughout the day in order to get in the mood, especially if you are already feeling ill and stressed out, and his mom is in the house! Women are like ovens and men are like microwaves in other words. Experiment with a simple little new toy or lingerie or massage or something.

Also, resolve issues with your mother-in-law. Let him handle certain things with her and let him stand up for you to her if needed. He needs to be your champion and realize that mommy hanging around all the time lowers your sex drive! Convince her to go to a woman's book club or knitting or gardening group or something weekly to get her out of the house. We lived with our in-laws for a while, and that definitely can take the intimacy out of the equation.

I think maybe having a weekly date night, getting out of the house together, working on the relationship and having new adventures and experiences together will help it all out. Explain to your husband that he can help share the burden of the chores and household duties so that you can have the appreciation and energy for intimacy. You work full time too, so the share of running the house really should be 50/50 between him and you. Maybe that will call him to action.

This site has lots of date night ideas you can do together.
http://www.simplymodernmom.com/category/project-52/

I would say have a date night. Go out on a date. It sounds like you need to go out and have some me time.May be even rent a room for the night. You may feel more like it when you are out of your normal enviornment. Sometimes when you get busy,you do not feel like it. You have dealt with a lot but your husband has need and wants too. May be if you address this then he may be nore willing to help you out around the house. Best of luck to you and god bless.

You are tired!!! And, your medication may increase your fatigue (and may decrease your libido, don't know what you are on). And, just because you are not depressed does not mean you are not suffering from the many stressors on your life. There is no bigger turn off (for me anyway) than exhaustion.

After my daughter was born, eventually I told my husband that if he wanted sex we were going to have to go to bed an hour earlier than normal (and it is very hard to get out of the TV and other nighttime routines (ruts) that we live our lives in). I needed sleep way more than I needed sex and the thought of it just made me more exhausted.

I think if you really want to get your libido back, you have to figure out a way to work sex back into your life. The old motto, if you don't use it you lose it, REALLY applies here. You can try going to bed earlier - whether you do it on a regular basis, or just on a night you want to try to be romantic. Then, just do it. Try to do something for yourself where you approach it WANTING to feel sexy and enjoy it, not just as a chore. Read something titillating (like Twilight or some other juicy novel) or dig our your old lingerie (or buy something new). Also, if it's really been awhile, that first time may be "wham, bam, thank you ma'am, roll over and snore" - so either prepare yourself for this, or tell your husband you need a little more effort than that before hand, so he thinks about you, not just him.

Give it the old "college try", don't just go through the motions. As an aside, I notice my husband is far more irritable and has less coping skills when he hasn't gotten any in awhile. this is purely an observation, not any comments he has ever made. Overall, I think having a healthy sex life is the far healthier way to live for both partners. That being said, it is VERY hard to get mentally back into the game. Good luck!!!

Hi, L.:

Not wanting Sex is symptom of a communication problem. I would suggest that the family go in for a family conference.
Call the Good Shepherds Mediation Program and ask someone to conduct a family conference for all of you.
If you are not close enough, ask for someone who may be near you.

And check out the web for a support group meeting for co-dependents.
www.coda.org

Good luck.
D.

You write that you're not in the mood, but you don't write how long it's been since you felt really attracted to your husband. I write this under the assumption that you haven't been with him in quite some time... I agree with those who posted that you should make time to be intimate with your husband (and I mean the FULL range of intimacy, not just sex). However, I don't agree that it is something that you should do for him. This is something that you should do for your marriage, but more importantly for you. Unless sex is painful or somhow uncomfortable for you, I really think that it can be a stress reliever, a way to feel better about yourself and your body, even a mood enhancer. If that's not the case for you, then it is not surprising that you are having issues with your libido (and is cause to talk to your doctor). Good luck with re-energizing yourself - it sure seems like you deserve it :)

why not tell him exactly what you wrote here?? he may not understand that part and is being selfish. just be honest.
and from a nutritional standpoint, libido will drop or disappear with chronic stress. you can balance the blood sugars with eating balanced meals which helps to reduce stress on the body. and also add more leafy greens and green vegetables, and flax seeds (ground) to your meals to help fight stress. You may also need some adrenal support for a few months, too.
and if you need someone to talk to/with about the stresses to help get over them quicker, i woudl suggest a psychotherapist. not a marriage counselor. just someone who can help you put it all behind you quicker. i know i had to do all that when i had adrenal exhaustion and i had no drive and i was only dating at the time. hope that helps!
if you need more help, let me know. i am a nutritionist so i can help with the adrenal support, etc. good luck!
J.
www.nutrition-in-motion.net
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Don't feel that you're alone...more women than not go through the same things. It's mostly due to be worn down with work, kids, chores and duties. You should communicate this with him. Why is it that you can't rely on your husband for help. Most men need/want sex more so than we do. Have you asked your OBGYN for advice.

Oh good grief!!! MIL lives with you?
Yikes!!
Any of the specific items you mentioned can be stressful.
All of them together . . . . . . . golly.

Is MIL competent?
Can she drive, safely?
Maybe there's your driver for your teen-ager.

Or . . . . are any of her friends involved in the same activities?
Can you arrange car-pools for at least some of those activities/

About energy . . . . . have you and your husband taken any time away?
Together?
Even a short weekend get-away?

Are you familiar with Marriage Enrichment or Marriage Encounter?
Google either or both with the name of a large city in your area.

Meanwhile, a 15-year-old is certainly able to take over some of the household duties. You may want to have a serious sit-down meeting with her, addressing her as an almost-adult, and explain how thinly stretched out you are. Tell her some of the household duties you need help with.
Ask her if any of those seems like one(s) she could pick up with a little training and practice.

I'm thinking, in particular, of laundry, dishes, cleaning kitchen
and/or bathrooms, vacuuming, preparing some meals,
taking the trash out (to the curb?), etc.

Does MIL help with with anything?
She should.
Unless she's severely handicapped.

Will mention here that I've written all this
before reading any of the other answers.

Have you had a serious conversation with your husband
about your energy level, etc.?
Not in association with the sexual situation
but in general?

I may write more after I've read the other answers.

Good luck!

I'm in the same boat MIL and all. I have three girls 14, 7, & 4. If you find something that works let us know