Difficult Situation, Kind of Personal, but I Need Major Advice!

There are so many people that have given great advice and the only thing I want to add is this:

You are already making excuses - that's a warning sign.
(he's not always like this; etc)
Other thing that bothered me that I read - you are afraid to bring up a situation in which your son was pushed against a wall.......these are your children - if you are not going to stick up for their well being - WHO IS???

I promise you, Emily, if he hauls off and decks your son instead of just shoving him, you will be sorry that you gave your husband so many passes. You mention that you asked the kids their feelings. This man has THEM just as cowled as he has you - that is why they aren't begging you to leave this man.

You need to get him into counseling with you. If he won't go, then you and your kids will continue to be abused. As they get older and start acting like tweens and teens, all hell will break loose if you don't do something now.

Sending you strength~
Dawn

Ok, you are married to a man that you are afraid if you approach him with a concern about something that your child told you, he will punish your child for telling you? I think you and I both know what to do.

If it hasn't always be like this, maybe he is willing to get help and you can save your relationship. But from what you are describing his temper is escalating, now at least to grabbing your child by the shirt and shoving him into a wall.
I think your husband needs to leave until he is ready, willing and getting professional help - whatever his problem is depression or anger... he is an adult and it's not right to treat ANYONE like that.

Good luck.

Yep, you're making excuses. All over the place. You REALLY are. Your children "love" him, because he is the father they know. NOT because, he is a lovable man. Your children should not be asked to make an adult choice. You asked them about who they are happier with, so they could possible make the decision for you. (Of course, they are going to say both. They are scared of him, but still love him. They aren't going to rationalize like an adult.) You can't do that. YOU have to make the decision. YOU can't expect them to do what you don't want to.

When you're husband punches your child, throws them across the room, throws something at them (and HE WILL)...you will look back and be incredibly ashamed, that you made excuses and didn't stand up for your children. Call a woman's shelter. What choice do you have? I guess you could stay, and CHOOSE to leave your children with an abuser... and hope you don't come home to a bleeding, unconscious, or dead child. I'm sure it will be an "accident" though.

P.S.
Take a look back at your first question on this forum. You were making excuses for him them. You already knew he was pushing them. You have to STOP this. It WILL get worse.

You don't have to specifically mention the pushing to mention that you feel he is too aggressive in his parenting style and that you feel he needs parenting classes and a trip to a doctor to check and see if he has some kind of anxiety issue.

My husband is a great dad, but in the beginning he didn't have a lot of skills that he has aquired over time. He didn't name call, but he did go right to the consequence phase instead of the several steps in between. It took time and communication and a sincere willingness on my husbands part to be a better dad as well as the humility to take advice and instruction.

I wouldn't leave my son home with my husband alone until he got help and if he refused to get help I would re-evaluate my living situation. Your son should feel safe and secure at home, no matter how you have to make that happen.

'Dad On Purpose' gave some spot-on advice.

I just want to add-- you are letting children who have obviously been abused make decisions for you regarding your marriage. YOU are their mother, and your job is to protect your kids at ALL cost, no matter what. They are in an abusive situation and it is your job to get them out, or they will resent you when they are old enough to realize that you could have done something and didn't.

Regarding a conversation with your husband, I don't think it was wise for you to have told your son that you won't tell your husband what happened. How is that protecting him? You're his mother, not his friend. Tell your son that you will take care of it, and that's that. Then, tell your husband that he either shapes up, or you're taking your children and getting lost. Period, the end.

So sorry you're in this situation. :(

Sorry but I don't really get where he is a "great" guy. Sounds like he has huge anger management issues and your own children live in constant fear because of him-and so do you. So it has to come down to this....either he changes or its over. Do not subject your children or yourself to this level of stress. Have a long and hard talk with him and spell this all out. DO NOT FLINCH-or cower or back down. Don't let him talk you down or guilt you. You are 100% in the right and doing what a mother should do to protect her children. Insist that he goes to counseling and offer to go with him also. But whatever you do do not let it continue as it is. I guarantee the long term effect on your kids will be devastating. You will be better off alone.
And as for them wanting him around too-they are probably just scared for you and for them if you would ask him to leave. Don't use this as your litmus teast. They are too young to know what they need.

The best predictor of future is behavior is past behavior.

Your husband, your children's non-bio dad has abusively stepped over normal parenting boundaries.

Ask yourself one question....how would you feel if your husband shoved you up against a wall? Would you think this is reasonable?

You don't mention your sons age or size. I doubt serious aggression or intimidation tactics were called for in this act of discipline You and your kids are walking around in fear. It is clearly not how professionals would recommend you raise your confident, well-adjusted kids.

You husband has a short fuse and he needs to get help either through anger management classes of therapy. Your children are not his kicking post when he's frustrated over other issues.

That's terrible behavior and terrible to have your children treated that way.

Get your husband into counseling and parenting classes. If he can't get get his act together, divorce him.

I get that he is a good guy and has lots of redeaming qualities, but he is verbally and emotionally abusing your children. This probably happens because he does not know the right way to act. If he is willing to learn, then great. If not - you just cant let your children grow up that way.

They are better with no dad, than this man.

They dont know they are being treated poorly because they dont know any other way. They think its normal. You know its not.

Please get him into parenting classes and counseling.

Thank you for asking this question and please act on some of the suggestions.

You mentioned that he has been in their lives since they were toddlers and I am curious as to how old your children are now? This is something that they have been coping with for a matter of years now possibly; it will certainly impact how they develop as a person. You must address this but you certainly need to think about it first. You told your son that you wouldn’t tell on him (in an effort to have an open relationship) so how do you plan to go about addressing this shoving incident your husband? Do you think your husband may retaliate? It may not be a physical response but continued berating? I am not a proponent of divorce, but I am a 100% advocate for my child. If I ever felt my child was being treated improperly, especially by someone he should, in theory, be able to trust, I would reconsider the relationship. No child EVER deserves to be treated as if their feelings don’t matter, nor should they live in fear of being a child. Children are loud and sometimes annoying with how they may not look at the big picture, but they are so incredibly precious and if someone who is supposed to be some type of parent figure doesn’t share those views, it may be time for them to go or seriously commit to a change. The last thing I would consider is whether this person is the best teacher for your children. That is, is this how you want your son to learn to treat people? Children are sponges and if you saturate them long enough with any one type of behavior (good or bad) they will take it on as a personality trait.
Good luck with this as I cannot imagine dealing with what you have to.

He might be depressed.
He certainly has developing anger issues.
His statement 'he isnt going to baby the kids like me and that I can do everything from then on incase he does something else wrong yada yada' bothers me.
Did you notice it's a back handed ultimatum?
He's manipulating you, the message being - accept him as he is / making you doubt your self and your parenting instincts.
How much is he going to fight you about seeing a doctor, taking some parenting classes and taking some anger management classes?
You can take the parenting classes with him as a gesture that you both have room to learn and improve upon your parenting techniques.
How much will he tell you HE's not a problem, it's YOU that has a problem?
It might be he can become a better parent, but maybe he can't.
You should see a marriage counselor (your self if you have to) and sort these things out.
You've got some valid concerns and they need to be worked out.
Leaving things as they are is just not going to cut it.

Hi Emily E....

OK. My father died when I was 9. My mom dated a great deal....I know what it is like to have different types of people around...

The best advice I can give you is to ask you a question: would you want this man as your father? Can he consistently give your children the love and nurturing they deserve and need?

Good Luck,
Jilly

I see red flags popping up all over the place. I would not leave my children alone with him ever again. Now weather or not you want to stay in a marriage where you can't trust him with your children....is up to you...but I can only say it will get worse. Put your children above everything else...and you decide if you just want to sit back and see things get progressively worse...cause it will.

Counseling. For everybody. If he refuses to go, then you have tough choices to make. This behavior toward your child will affect your child for the rest of his life. It may be already leading to poor self-esteem and problems in school. It may already have affected his future and how he handles relationships and conflict.

You may love the good parts of DH, but this would not be something I could tolerate. He should NOT be pushing a child into a wall. From another question you had, your son is only 9 and is having other issues. This may all be related.

Figure this out now before your son gets bigger and pushes back and then your husband calls the cops or something or in some way this escalates into a physical and possibly legal matter. This is serious business. Further, you already feel that you need to promise not to tell your husband about your son's concerns....I am concerned about that. This tells me that you fear his reaction which makes me wonder of often he really is a nice guy or how big his reactions are...He's already gone from yelling to yelling AND being physical with a child. That is not good at all.

My stepkids love their mom. Always will. But that doesn't mean she's a good parent.

I agree with Cheryl O, you need to put your children first. Think about what is best for them now and in the long run. This situation will shape them for the rest of their lives and effect what type of relationship they have with their children. My dad was abused, and had many problems as an adult. I often wonder how different MY life would have been, if he had a better, happier, healthier childhood. He is all they know so of course they love him, but they are also learning that the meanness etc is okay and that its a part of love. Therapy is needed and parenting classes. Talk to your husband, it's long overdue.

I believe you definitely need to address the bahvior with your husband. You don't have to get specific, but you can say that you notice certain things, and notice that our son seems afraid of him, things like that. Are you afraid to tlak to your husband? Do you think he treats the kids different or bad becasue they are not biologically his? You two need to be on the same page with discipline and how you treat the kids, so it's good you want to address this now before something happens! I hope all goes well for you, keep your head up!

I have no tolerance for anyone mistreating my kids or making them feel afraid for being kids. You should absolutely talk to him about shoving your son into the wall.

How old are your kids? Put yourself in their shoes for a minute and think about how big and scary your husband looks to them when he's angry. And how confusing it is that he flys off the handle for them making a noise in their bedroom.

Instead of telling your son that you won't talk to your husband about the shoving incident, I would be saying that you want him to always tell you anything like this that happens and you will protect him. It sounds like you're kids are scared of your husband and you are too.

Get some help for yourself. I would give a very short window for your husband to agree to getting help and if he doesn't I'd be out of there. You and your kids deserve a better home life.

You can love your abuser. Does that mean you should be abused? NO! You need to do something about this. Do you want your children to think they are not worthy of respect and safety? Do you want them to repeat this history and marry abusers or become abusers? How can you let this go on? Hopefully seeing it written down in black and white and the advice you get here will make you realize action is needed.

In my opinion he needs to get counseling. If he is unwilling to do this then it is time to end it. If he and your family choose counseling, there should be some expectation as to the outcome (goals set with the help of the counselor) If they aren't met or significant progress isn't made in a realistic time frame, time to end it.

He either has anger issues to deal with or this is how he was parented (probably both) That's just where it came from, it has to end no matter what.

If he is mistreating your kids you need to leave to protect those kids. That is your responsibility

Your the protector also. I would def. talk to him and find out what happen. I would not let anyone touch my kids in this way. Why are you afraid to tell him to treat your kids with respect. Stand up for them. I would seriously think about counselling if I were you.

You should definitely talk w/him about his abusive behavior; you don't have to mention what your son told you but you could tell your husband that you have noticed over time that his abusive behavior has gotten worse over time. You could ask him what's bothering him and why is he acting this way. If he doesn't admit to any wrong doing, then it's time to move. My husband and I are no long friends w/a couple who we were friends w/for such a long time. He still has to work w/the abusive husband but they no longer talk. My husband never allowed them to baby sit our children because of him. I have heard that he threw his one year old baby by picking the baby up by the arm and throwing him across the room onto the couch. This person because he is not a man in my eyes is verbally abusive to step daughter and biological daughter. The wife does absolutely nothing. What advice would you give her and then think about your own situation. I hope this helps. You want to tell these women to get out. I would never let any one treat my children this way.

Easy for some to say "get out" but I know it's not that black and white. I would seek some counseling for myself first and see where that takes you. My impression is that he has an anger management issue as others have suggested but not sure if it's who he is or just situational. Good luck to you.