Did I Tell Her Wrong?

No, she will want a boyfriend for the rest of her life until she finds the right one. I think she just wants to have a boy pay attention to her the same way her friends are payed attention to w/out giving it up but the problem is that if she is friends with the "town bicycles" then the boys they are around are not going to give her a second glance if they know she is not going to give it up. I think she needs to find a new circle of friends because boys that know of her will judge her by her friends so even if she is not sleeping around chances are people think she is because of who she is hanging out with ... this is High School.

What you have told her about boy's is probably on track for this generation. Sad but true.... But not all boy's are going to fallow this. You gave her advice of how things might be and hopefully she will see this and be able to make the right decision on her feelings.
All you can do is let her know of what might happen in the end {even if it is years past} and hope that all will work out.

Good Luck

Yeah, I think you should have let her learn some things for herself. First of all, not all teenage girls are bitchy and mean. I still have some great friends who I made in high school, and we shared WONDERFUL times in high school. No one ever stabbed anyone in the back or anything. I relish those times. I also think you've given her a HUGE mixed message regarding boys. You know -they have feelings too! You've told her to only be friends with boys instead of girls, but you've then told her that teenage boys only want sex from girls. Talk about confusing! Yes, teenagers of both sexes are big, walking hormones, but teenage boys DO fall in love and get their hearts broken, and MANY of them want relationships with girls. Sure, they want to have sex (just like teenage girls do), but they do fall in love and enjoy dating girls even when sex isn't involved. I sincerely hope you'll sit down with her and have a real heart to heart talk. Let her know that some past experiences of yours may have clouded what you told her and that sometimes we all get burned in romantic and friend relationships, but a lot of the time we don't -and we NEED those relationships and experiences. If she doesn't kiss a few frogs, how will she ever know when she meets the prince? If she never learns what it's like to find out a friend you thought was true really isn't, then how will she ever learn to value real friends? I learned some harsh lessons about friendship and romance in high school and college, but I also made some of the best life-long friends a person could ask for, and my romantic relationships lead me to being able to realize when I had met "the one" and what I was really, truly looking for in that person.

well, your heart is in the right place, but i don't think much good ever comes from a negative approach. all of your advice to her is about how sucky life is. i know a lot of teenage boys, and they DO want relationships and they DO like girls (really like and appreciate and enjoy them) for more than sex and DO make good friends. yes, they're pretty preoccupied with sexual thoughts. so are teenage girls. doesn't mean they don't have more going on.
girls CAN be catty and mean but not all of 'em are, and even the ones that can be aren't that way all the time. just telling her to avoid girls on principal is pretty self-defeating.
it's a mixed message to tell her to avoid relationships with boys because all they want is sex, but she should only be friends with boys because girls are mean. where does that leave her?
i don't think it would be right to just hang her out there and let her learn everything on her own with no perspective from you. but it would probably be a good thing to give her some empowering, positive messages. enjoy friendships with boys, and if they want more, be strong and in control of your emotions and your body. some boys will be enamored because you're so beautiful, some will just want to use you, but some will really care for you. be selective and smart and choose your friends and relationships well. cultivate girlfriends who are interested in you, care about you, and demonstrate qualities you enjoy and admire. don't bother with mean or controlling ones. be the sort of friend you want to have.
positive messages.
khairete
S.

You were right in trying to guide her towards positive choices, but it seems like you did it in a negative way. Instead of saying boys are only looking for sex, talk to her about the purpose of relationships at her age, cautioning her that many boys will try to pressure her, but she doesn't have to give in. There are plenty of boys out there that aren't looking for sex. I think you may also have damaged her outlook on female friends. It is not necessarily better to be friends with boys than girls, and there are many nice girls out there to be friends with. It seems like you've put some of your hurt and experiences on her, and she hasn't had a chance to learn on her own.

Unless you've been hammering that message home, day in and day out, then I think making that statement a few times is not "wrong." It's a generalization, but mostly true. So I don't think making such a statement would change her into a hard person that is hard to get close to.

Are you sure there isn't something else going on?

p.s. -- Oops, just reread your post, and I misread part of it. I completely disagree with the statement that girls are not nice and she should only be friends with boys. That is a gross and erroneous generalization. Yes, teen girls tend to bring a lot of drama to their relationships, and are usually more catty than teen boys, but I don';t think you should make a blanket statement that they are all "not nice." I think you need to reverse that, and tell her to be friends with boys AND girls, just stick to the nice ones and ignore the mean ones of both sexes.

Hi A.,

You're right on target and my husband would agree with you as well. He's told our 15 year old daughter exactly the same thing!

Hang in there. I think this is the hardest stage to go through...................

M.

A. - Yes, you told her wrong.
-Teenage boys DO want relationships. Who told you they don't?
-They are not only looking for sex. They may *think* about sex a lot, but girls do too. There are a lot of boys that are actually scared of sex under all that teenage bravado.
-Better to be friends with boy? How confusing are you? You want her to hang out with boys and be friends with them even though they are "only looking for sex?" Well, that just doesn't make sense now, does it? Yes, some women are catty bitches, but some men are stupid dicks....that's just the way life is. Instead of telling her to be more friendly with one sex over the other I would hope that you have taught her how to choose good friends and what attributes make a good person.
Listen A. - you are nuts if you think that the teenage boys that she is hanging out with consider her one of "the guys". THey are VERY aware that she is NOT one of the guys. But, it seems that she picked some good boys to be friends with that are not over stepping their bounds. Boys love, cry, hurt, have feelings, and want relationships just as much as girls do. Don't tell her differently.
L.

I think what you did was right. The only thing I would be careful is to not make it okay to judge other's behaviors. God tells us to love one another which has nothing to do with sex. I have told my teenagers based on what they have already seen from their friends that that is why the teenage years are not the time to be having romantic relationships. Too many moody kids. I told my son to wait until college years or after to think about girls. I also encourage them to do things in groups instead of dating. Psalm 139 reminds us that we all our made wonderfully by God. I have read that with my kids and remind them that God has one wonderful person waiting for them and if they try to make that decision on their own that they may end up with someone who won;t love them the way they should be loved. This is such a complicated subject to answer. The Bible is my source and there are some great writers out there that address this. I love Dannah Gresch.

One of the things that my dad told me when I was young that always stuck with me is that - us girls have something that we can never go back. For instance - your first kiss - it's gone - you can never get it back. When you do something for the first time - you can never have that "first" feeling again...so then you go the next step to get that new feeling of firsts. But once you have gone all the way - you can never get that back - that feeling of innocence and purity. It's gone. With boys - it's most likely a game to them anyway...to see how far they can.

I wouldn't say it was wrong or right in what you told her - because you are truly speaking of what you know and have been through. We as parents are parenting with what we know from what our parents taught us and with our own experiences. Whether one worked or not - we navigate with our own parental beliefs.

It's such a tough age that she is getting into - with all of the pressure of "everyone is "doing" it", or being a prude or what ever. I was taught to believe to wait until marriage. Of course I didn't - but I truly thought the guy I did loose my virginity I was going to marry - we dated for almost 2 years.

Girls can be mean and bitchy - but also can be you very best friends too - to share all of the experiences too. So - who cares about what her other friends are doing or whom they are doing - all that matters is having that friendship and trust with another person. Grow up with someone - to talk about all sorts of stuff - boys, shopping, school, etc....

I have no idea what it's like to HAVE a 15 year old girl so you can take my advice with a grain of salt, but I do remember what it was like to be one! I wish my parents had focused more on how to pick a good boyfriend than assuming that all of them were no good. I wish somebody had told me that dating - actually going on dates and getting to know someone - is really fun! And that relationships aren't only about sex - I think that was the message I got as a teenager. I think I also would have benefited from someone talking to me about what was appropriate at that age (some kissing?) and how to make sure I didn't get myself in a situation where more happened - whether it was willingly or not. I think it's harder to cross the line when someone has told you very specifically where that line is, and also what to do if you get close. But that's an uncomfortable conversation to have.

I guess the bottom line for me is, if all boys just want sex, isn't the risk that she just picks one of them for a boyfriend and doesn't look for the ones who, yes, may want it, but are actually respectful enough to not push it?

I know you don't like her friends (I wouldn't either!) but she may learn some hard lessons through their choices instead of having to do it on her own. Hopefully you can encourage her to find some other friends too. I did have a lot of male friends in high school and WOW was that helpful to understand what boys are like! Not just how much they want to have sex, but also that they had some of the same fears and that they got their hearts broken just like the girls. I had only a few close female friends, but all of them are still my friends today and the kind of women I could call in the middle of the night for help. Good luck!

Edit: I just saw YOUR edit. The boys probably see her as better than the other girls. I would almost guarantee that at least on of them has a huge crush on her but they are afraid because they see her as a real person and not a sex object. I think I was like your daughter - I thought the boys didn't like me either. In reality, they just liked me more as a person than the other girls, but you're right, that's hard when you are a teenager and want the boys to think you are pretty. I'm sure they do - they just respect her more! You're right, it is probably for the best, but if she's brave, she could hint to the boys that nobody is interested in her as a girl. I bet she'll be surprised how untrue that is.

I think you meant well when you talked to her. That said you made a blanket statement which just isn't true.

You need to trust that you have taught her well. I believe if you respect yourself then others will respect you.

I understand what you mean about boys being good friends they can be as can girls. Perhaps you are projecting your personal experiences. You do need to let her have her own.

Not all boys only want sex - and not all girls are nasty.

She needs to find her own way and come to you when she needs help.

I find a good thing is usually You will have a few friends that are true friends when youa re in High School that you may be friends with Your friends for life will probably come when you are in College.

I think you may need to soften your stance and maybe talk to her some more but let her feel her way.

I know what I am trying to say and it may not come across well. I hope you get what I am meaning.

good luck.

You're doing your job and a good one at that-don't stop for one second! Beauty lasts-being young doesn't. The right one doesn't come along-they get cherry picked by the girls who by their virtue get to pick and choose.

You told her the right thing. I never dated in high school. my first serious boyfriend was at 19. teens aren't ready for sexual relationships and I am glad I never had that drama. All my friends with boyfriends were always crying and carring on while I had the BEST time in high school. I don't think you changed her into a hard person by telling her not to have sex she is just 15 and my neice is 15 too and moody as can be. I would tell her not to worry about having a boyfriend yet it doesn't mean she is lacking in anyway it probably means the boys know she is a good girl and they just want to mess around and use the other girls and probably have too much respect for her. Boys can tell who puts out and who has the potential to. You are doing a good thing by talking to your daughter about this girls today are really wild. I am scared for my boys when they get older!

You were right to tell it the way it is.
I tell my daughter that boys are a waste of time until they are age 25. They aren't mature. Their brains haven't developed. They are impulsive. They think they want a relationship, but what they really want is to be friends and if they can have a friend with benefits, even better... not acceptable, but it is the way it is. Relationships are a LOT of work. Boys don't want to work at it. At age 15, kids should be having fun, studying hard, and focusing on getting into college. Tell her that she needs to make some good friends with good morals. Sleeping around is unacceptable. It is also extremely dangerous - STDs, pregnancy, HPV and more...
She will eventually have a boyfriend, but she needs to remember that sex should be reserved for marriage. Just because a boy says he loves her doesn't mean that it's time for sex. She needs to get to know the person, love that person, and marry that person before she gives herself completely to that person.
LBC

It is never wrong to be honest! Good for you!
I have always had limited friends that were girls and more friends that were boys......however it was hard to get a boyfriend because they all thought me as one of the guys......or as a sister......which is good and bad........however in college it was wonderful allowing me to get close to men and find the best friend,lover husband anyone could have.
Keep being there for her and continue your frank honesty!
Best wishes

You told her right....there is plenty of appropriate time for boys to look at her in a different way later on......I have always thought that the best relationships come when people know each other as friends first.....I always told my four daughters that if you go beyond friendship, then things get complicated real quick! Why in the world would any 15 year old want to have to deal with complicated?

The hardest part of being a teenager is fitting in and teens will do just about anything to fit in. I know been there done that. The worse part is having to live with all the regrets. Tell her that. Explain that the choices she makes today she'll have to live with forever and that once you lose your self respect it's nearly impossible to get it back. I don't know if your a christian or not but if someone would've read the bible to me every night growing up maybe I would have far less regrets today. There is a lot of knowledge to be gained form the bible on the issue of sex and foolishness and living like the world aka everybody else is doing it mindset. You have to keep your mind seperate from all the junk out there and your daughter needs to clean house with those sexed up friends b/c I guarantee you those friends of her have a far more persasive voice than you not to mention she's with them all day at school right? Peer Pressure and Hormones can destroy lives. Just saying. Don't feel guilty if things don't work out just know you tried your hardest and God gives every individual free will. Hence this is one reason I want to homeschool b/c there is way to much of this in schools. Sign of the times. Take this advice from someone who rebelled growing up and learned my life lessons first hand. I use to think my parents were too strict now I wish they were way stricter on me.

Don't know if I agree with the girls being "not very nice" overall...but I would explain DRAMA and the concept of mean girls.

There's nothing wrong with being O. of the guys.

Make sure she knows you support her in that you will help her get birth control if needed.

I think that a MAIN issue was left out, a little more important than 'sex' and being 'liked'. I hope you also explained to her that HPV is a deadly virus. That it passes through condoms, and it can have NO SYMPTOMS. It is one thing to never be able to get your virginity back, it is something totally different if you get cervical cancer and die...I just lost a friend to cervical cancer and she had been happily married for years. And don't forget the pregnancy issue. I think you did fine, I have some good girl friends from HS, and i am sure that if a girl is nice to her, then she will be nice back. It may be wrong that all boys want is sex, but the chances that you will meet your spouse is VERY rare. Just tell her to use her best judgment. In the end that is all you can hope for, that you raised her right

We have also told our daughters the same thing and we have told our older son, he's 22, how manipulative girls can be
I even proved it with his sisters and myself when Daddy came home form work.
We worked Daddy, we got a dinner out and icecream and a trip to Kmart all on a Wednesday. My son even callled my hubby on it and told him how we did that on purpose.
We laugh about it, but that lesson stuck.

And there is nothing wrong with being one of the guys. As one of the guys in high school my friends were very protective of me. They didn't want from me what they were getting from their girlfriends, I was like their sister.

Good job, Mom!!

It's hard when you are 15 and you see that your friend's have boyfriends when you do not. But I really believe that kids at that age really don't need to have a boyfriend/girlfriend and it's better not to. I would worry that she is not hanging out with quality people. I would tell her that this is the time in your life to study and join activities and prepare for college and to learn how to be the best person you can be in life. I have wonderful, caring and smart friends in middle school and high school...girls and boys. I think it is wrong of you to tell her that boys only want sex or girls are all mean. It's not true. But I would definitely talk to her about being careful around some people who are like that. Right now she thinks it is sooo important to have a boyfriend but this is not important at all and you should encourage her to focus on other things. She should try doing volunteer work and joining different groups and she will make good friends who are also doing these activities. Oops, I just read your What Happened. I think you are being a good mom...and she sounds like a great kid. Just keep talking to her. Teen years are hard.

no you werent wrong and she will listen to you but she will still have to learn on her own