Did Anyone's Lazy Child Grow up to Be a Productive Adult?

I was a lazy 12 year old! And now I keep my house incredibly neat and organized and went on to graduate school and have several professional designations and a great career. So don't worry. I think kids learn more by example than they do by being made to do a lot of chores. I can't count the number of times in my head I've thought how my parents (very hardworking) did xy or z annoying task so that means as an adult I should too. But I never had many chores as a kid and certainly didnt volunteer to do any. So I wouldn't worry too much. I'd just keep setting a good example and highlighting that this is what successful and kind adults do.

My daughter just turned 22. She's lived in her condo since 8/2013.

I had horrid thoughts of her condo based on the way she kept her room at home as a teen until she moved out.

To my surprise... her condo is and has been spotless. So much so that if I know she's stopping by, I freak out and make sure I have my house in order!!!

Why does he have to WANT to help? I don't really WANT to do the laundry, but I have to if I want to wear clean clothes. I don't really WANT to take the garbage out, but I have to if I don't want the house to stink.

I'm just not sure this needs to be a priority. Things need to get done, and he needs to do his part. End of story.

He'll grow out of it. Most of us do. Of course there I things in life that we don't want to do, but part of maturing means sucking it up and dong it anyway.

"he doesn't want to put effort into things (except his own interests)"
Um, yeah, he's 12.
I don't like doing half the stuff I do all day either (bills, laundry, disciplining my kids, so fun!) I'd rather be reading or pursuing my own interests too, that's NORMAL as far as I'm concerned. But I'm an adult and can see the value in those things. Your son is years away from that kind of maturity.
Just make sure he does his chores, homework, etc (happily or not) and let him figure out the rest. Those "interests" of his will become his passions.
My son spent a ridiculous amount of time reading and playing video games as a tween/teen and now he's a 24 year old software engineer, college educated and totally self sufficient.

My brother was the worst! He actually dropped out of high school since he didn't want to take tests and "prove that I know what I know."
He decided to go to community college and take high school classes, got a night job, graduated college (on the Dean's List), and now works for Microsoft.
Lol.
Boys....and GIRLS...are lazy during those teen years.

My son was pretty unmotivated all through school. Once he started college and was studying the things he wanted to study he got more motivated and did extremely well.

I always had assigned chores for the kids and my son had his list of chores to do. Some kids want to be helpful but most really don't. Continue to assign your son things he needs to do as a member of the family pitching in to help do the things needed to run a household. Remind him that he needs to learn the things he'll need as an adult and continue to push him along. You wan't make him WANT anything but you can make him contribute.

Am I missing something here? You want him to offer to do more chores? Men/boys, by nature, don't 'see' what us females do. When I was first married I would get upset because my husband didn't do nearly as much as I expected. But he finally told me the secret. He told me he doesn't notice the dirty dishes, the dust, the unmade bed, the dirty laundry. But he told me if I gave him a chore list he would happily help. 15 years later I still have to make him lists and he loves to check the chores off......kinda childish but it works.

One of my favorite memories of my older son is when I told him to pick up his toys when he was little. He was standing straight up in the middle of the room, toys on the floor, and stated in all seriousness, "I can't, my arms are too short."

He is 16 now and works hard in school and at things he enjoys. He's not enthusiastic about household chores. He will do whatever I tell him to do, but he wouldn't do it if he didn't have to. I'm not a boy, but it took having a place of my own before I cared about the upkeep too.

I know the moaning is annoying. One thing I tell my kids (about various things) is "You don't have to like it, you do have to keep it to yourself." One person griping can bring everyone down. Many times they will find that attempting to have a better attitude, or at least repressing a negative attitude, leads to a legitimately better time with whatever they are doing.

My brother (younger by 19 months) was a pain in the rear growing up. He'll tell you as much himself. He was recently hired as a GS13/14 in DC...he just turned 32 in November. He owns two homes, has been married for two years, and is wildly successful beyond what anyone imagined he would do. There's hope! He just has to see it on his own what he wants to happen.

My son was like this but now he's only 16 so I can't tell you about long term prognosis BUT the change occurred when he found a passion. In our case, he learned the bass and became a part of the youth band at his church. From there he decided he wanted to learn the violin and is now pursuing that as well. As a result of him being successful, his self esteem has improved and he is much more willing to plug into family things. Hang in there Mama!

I feel the same way sometimes about my teen boys.

But I agree with the moms below who say if they are passionate about something, you see a total change in them. We've noticed that too.

I have many nieces and nephews. I've noticed the ones who were not passionate about their degrees or courses, really slacked off and didn't do well at college. The ones who really wanted to pursue careers, really applied themselves and did very well.

For example, my kids lounge about or sleep in and remind me of bears hibernating most weekend mornings. But if there's an early morning hockey practice, my kids are ready, geared packed up and checked, waiting by the van for my husband. We're talking super early, freezing cold mornings here. Without being asked or woken up. Suddenly their alarm clocks work.

So the not putting effort into things except his interests - we can relate to that. I think it's very common in teenagers. My friends say the same thing.

well, by your definition both my kids were lazy. and make no mistake, i did a lot of hair-pulling-out when we were in this phase, just as it sounds like you're doing.
i tried, as you are, to make it intrinsic, not something i had to jump start every single time. i so wanted to have kids who would look at the sink full of dishes and go 'wow, i've got a few minutes, i should do those.'
well, they didn't.
my dreams of spontaneous teamwork never materialized.
but what did work was the less glamorous but utilitarian method of assigning chores, keeping track, and using rewards (and yes, punishments in the form of removed privileges). and at some point you let practicality win out over philosophy, however lovely the ideal is.
i went on strike when my kids were about 8 and 4 and refused to cook for them after a particularly bad week. the older made the younger cereal and they both vowed at the end of the 2 or 3 days i kept it up to do better, but all it really did was worry them both and make me feel awful.
both my boys have degrees, and both have jobs they love, both are living with lovely young women whom they plan to marry, both are not neat freaks but are working out their own relationships and households in a positive fashion.
i've told both my future DILs that i tried hard to make them as proactive about partnering as their dad, but that it didn't work out so well. but what DID seem to happen is that while they didn't emulate their father when they were little fellows, the example he set created the adult mold for them.
probably doesn't help that the brilliant strong women they picked aren't about to put up with getting stuck with all the housework either, and aren't shy about saying so.
:) khairete
S.

Some people never get bitten by the bug of wanting to help others altruistically. Some adults do things only because they bring money or s-x. (In other words - not volunteering time and energy without a tangible reward.) But, as your son gets older, even if he has any inclinations that way - even things like brushing his teeth and picking up his smelly socks will eventually fall into one of those categories!!

Also - love and respect for parents grows and changes with time, and you might find that he is more of a "helpful man for his mother around the house" in a few years.

ETA: The pursuit of wealth can make a person EXTREMELY productive!! And that is not necessarily a bad thing. But, it's a reward that some people focus on, rather than doing something altruistically. (Some parents give allowances for chores for that reason - I am not suggesting that you should do that, just giving the example.)

Well, if he doesn't get what ever HE wants until he's completed what ever you want him to complete, he'll get a little motivated.
"The quickest way to fun is to get the work done".
Cross stitch it and hang it on your wall.
Also - if YOU don't get to sit down - nobody gets to sit down.
The more people you have helping you with housework, chores, putting groceries away, making meals, cleaning up, etc - the faster it all gets done and THEN everyone can relax and enjoy themselves.
You might try parroting some his moans back to him sometimes.
Him; "Mom! What's for supper?"
You : "I don't feel like cooking today. So you'll have what ever you make for yourself. Bread is in the cupboard and so is the peanut butter and jelly. Have at it and clean up after yourself.".
He's 12.
He's not going to like helping but it's important the habit of helping is formed.
When he gets to a point where his initial question is "how can I help?" - celebrate!
It takes time.
Be patient!

My younger son had a lazy streak. Stuff like not wanting to make his bed because what's the point it's just going to get messed up again, not wanting to go out to eat because he would have to put his shoes on, lol. I can tell you he is now in college with an academic scholarship, runs cross country and track in a division 3 school, and is doing an internship next year in social work and will graduate with social work and psychology degrees. So, yes, he did grow out of it. Part of it was him seeing his older brother get into running and doing well in school and got awards and won meets, etc. Part of it was a growing boredom of just wanting to sit around and play games or watch tv. Also, we made it clear at home that no one loves work, but it has to be done. If his jobs were not done or if homework slacked off, I had no problem getting in the car with the rest of the family to go to the movies, carnival, museums, etc. As your son matures, he will understand that effort pays off and makes life easier and much more enjoyable in the long run.

You stay positive, despite his protests

My daughter, now 30, was unorganized and "lazy" from 12 to 16. When she realized she needed to get her act together if she wanted to go to college and become a teacher. She also spent time with her fraternal grandparents and they are the epitome of messy. That clarified things for her as well.

When he says "i'm too lazy"? You say - ONLY YOU CAN CHANGE That. Do you want to change that?

If you feel there's a problem? Discuss it with your pediatrician. If he's lethargic in everything he does? Ask for blood tests and see what's going on.

Otherwise - you stay positive - telling him what is expected of him and getting him motivated. Ask him what do you feel would motivate you to get this done? Get him to THINK and respond.

He does stuff when it relates to his own interests, right?

There's your answer. Stop telling him to do stuff, stop nagging/reminding him. Stop doing things.

Then stop doing what he wants: paying cell phone bill, paying for internet account for his computer/tablet, a ride to the mall, favorite snacks, making his lunch, doing his laundry. He thinks he's in charge, like an adult? GREAT! He's in charge of all of his needs/wants! I give him 20 minutes before he caves in!

What makes people productive is having to do things for themselves.

So, he doesn't have to do what he doesn't want to do... sort of. He doesn't want to get up for school? Fine. But he follows the school rule of checking in to the office and giving the principal (not the secretary) HIS reason for feeling he doesn't need to get up on time.

He wants his favorite shirt or his soccer uniform ready on a certain day? FINE - he's in charge of laundry! Post instructions above the washer and leave him to handle it.

He wants a ride somewhere? FINE - he can put it on the calendar and do enough chores to pay for the gas and give you enough free time to drive him there.

He wants X lunch or Y snack provided for him? FINE - he can help with grocery shopping (on a budget) and he can get up early to make his lunch.

He wants adulthood - FINE - give it to him.

Don't make him. Make him want to.

Hormone changes, puberty, growing adult bodies, and more. Life is hard for this age child. He'll turn around. Give him room to grow.

Sounds fairly normal.

He's doing his schoolwork, and he does the things he likes to do, so that's what matters. The fact that you have to force him to do his chores is pretty typical.

I don't think very many kids WANT to be helpful around the house. My kids hardly ever did household chores because my husband wouldn't back me up and I wasn't prepared to do battle alone, so I made their schoolwork and outside activities and jobs be their priority. They've grown into fine young adults.

I think you can rest assured he'll be fine.

He is 12.. maybe he isn't getting enough sleep at night? Boost him up with vitamins, have him participate in some kind of activity ..

My son isn't necessarily lazy, but he does enjoy just hanging around the house. I often have to push him to do his chores or help me with something. It's the actual start of doing something that's the issue with him. Once he is up and doing stuff he is fine- even perky( which, let's face it , it seldom happens with teenage boys)

We even cleaned his entire room in one day! He started getting into seeing his room cleaned out. Even started decorating it. Lol.

My son interests and energy level increased dramatically once we put him in our local Boy Scout Troop.

No one had a lazier kid than I did with my oldest son (but middle child). No one. Laziest kid ever and exacerbated by the fact that the rest of our kids were anything but lazy, and my husband and I both work more than 40 hrs per week, take care of my parents, we both worked 2nd jobs for awhile, volunteer and are involved with the school. To this day, I still don't even know how you can have a bunch of hard working kids and one completely lazy one. I was worried that he was even too lazy to wipe his butt (ok, maybe not . . . but really, he was THAT lazy).

He is now in the military. Is he still lazy? Yeah, he does exactly what he is told - no more and no less, but at least he never complains about doing anything anymore. The army took care of that. However, he is a very productive member of society :) He works harder (when he has to - which is actually a lot) now than probably a lot of other 19 yr olds!

So there is hope - even the laziest kids can "make it" in the big wide world. I will say that if our son didn't enlist, I fear he would still be sleeping until noon or later and living in a pigsty, but I guess I will never know for sure.

Good luck!

My lazy child just got his MBA this past year.

I see this in my stepson he's 16 been like this most of his life and it's gotten worse. At my house the rule is if you want to go somewhere or money to do something g you work first (chores-make bed, cleanup after yourself laundry ) otherwise u can stay home. He gets it but he does need to be told which is exhausting. He does nothing at his moms. His room is a junkyard haslaundry everywhere doesn't help out or offer to help yet he has an iPhone 7 etc..if he were my bio son the phone would have been gone by now . He has zero passion to get a job and make money. I was hoping he'd find passion in something and change and I'm still hoping ashes been showing interest in some new things (rejoining scouts, tennis lessons etc) he's still finding his way..

Me I grew up with my mom doing it all and getting away with I am not a nut when it comes to doing things cleaning house, laundry, working hard. But I believe it was because I knew my mom would do it and I had too many other things to worry about .

If my kids (stepson) was busy with school work pulling straight a-s and doing Aton of sports I'd understand but he does nothing but sit around all the time. So I think he's lazy and I hope he outgrows it but my worry is he has zero consequences. I agree with the poster below to stop making it easier so he can step up

Just wanted you to know you're not alone! We worry about this constantly with our 13-year-old son. He puts in the minimal effort with just about everything. His one and only interest is video games. We're tried encouraging all sorts of activities and he won't stick with anything but video games. I am with you on needing hope and glad to see the responses here.