My boyfriends son is almost 2 yrs old. He's going through a divorce so we only have his son for a week at a time, then he goes to his mothers for a week. He is extremely clingy, always wants to be held or wants one of us sitting down with him while he watches a movie.. It's really annoying when I've got things to do around the house. I can't even go downstairs to switch laundry over without him standing at the gate screaming. Now he throws things when we don't pick him up. He never used to throw things. Getting him to take a nap is like pulling teeth. First, one of us has to lay with him and there has to be a movie in. After 1-2 hrs, he might fall asleep. Same deal for bedtime too. Last night I layed down with him at 8:30 and finally at 10:55 he fell asleep. Is this normal?!
Divorce and such a sudden change is very traumatic and hard for them to deal with emotionally and mentally. This will be how it is for awhile... you should be more compassionate., especially since it seems his Father left his family for you.
His life is going through turmoil and he is so young. He is searching for security and stability. Set clear boundaries, but don't be short about them. Speak in loving, but firm tones when disciplining. Give him what he needs right now, even if it's annoying. When he begins to feel stable and confident, you can work on his independence. If you do it now, it will just cause more trauma.
this sounds so traumatic for him, and difficult for all adults to help him You're doing the right thing in asking for advise from experienced Moms here, Maybe someone has been thru this and has better advise than me. I can tell you want to help him. Right now he has NO sense of what a week is or when he will go back to the other parent or even IF he will go back to the other parent. In his little mind with little memory he is abandoned once a week by one parent, over and over and he cant formulate the questions an older child would. If he were fie he might say over and over what day do I go to Daddy's or I go to Mommy on Friday just repeating to himself to try to understand and get confirmation. but he can only cry. Picture yourself in the most traumatic situation -what would you need for comfort? Now picture that trauma repeating each week. Is his behavior normal for his situation? Yes. Maybe you and your boyfriend could visit a family counselor once or twice and ask for tips on how to make this easier for the baby.which will in turn make it easier for you. Have you read any books about 21 months olds? maybe that would give you some help. I like Happiest Toddler on the Block (Karp)which will give you some ideas on how to talk to him and help him put his feelings into words. and what to expect the toddler years to see what is normal for each month. Maybe he could video chat - skype (sp?) with the other parent during the week? Actually my daughter was that clingy at age three without the trauma!!! Drove me nuts and made me feel locked in and stifled every week! so I feel your pain
Good luck
Poor little guy. He is likely really insecure and traumatized. Divorce is really h*** o* kids, and he is so little. Personally, I think a week is way too long. Not to be mean to dad, but babies are usually really attached to their mother. While I think it is great his father wants him, a shorter interval would likely be healthier for the little guy so he knows where both mom and dad are. If you think about it from his perspective, with no concept of time at his age, his parent has disappeared. While I realize logistics may be difficult and no idea if he is in daycare/preschool, is there any way the schedule could be every 2 days? What also worked really well for my cousin is they literally lived across the street from one another so they each saw their child daily. Best of luck to you.
Annoying for you?! You sound quite compasionate. I think I would be clingy too, if my parents weren't even divorced yet and dad already has a girlfriend.
yes but a small touch of seperation anxiety a blankie might help that he can take between the houses
bless your heart and your boyfriends and your step-sons. :( i'm sorry. definitely normal for the age but also consider the circumstances. try to just breathe, pray and remember how sweet he is when he is sleeping! :)
that back and forth has to be hell on him. my son's only 3 ms. older and takes 1-2 days to adjust back to being at home w/me after he's been w/his daddy for 1-3 days, and that's just half the time he's gone away from his daddy and then away from his mommy. his behaviors are totally normal - hell, my son still does that sometimes and drives me nuts, but guaranteed that switching back and forth is probly the root cause. might be something to consider...don't be mad at me, just trying to help. hope it gets better soon for you guys! :)
That poor baby!!!! He is being bounced around between the 2 households, he needs so much love and attention right now, his life is being turned upside down and that is why he is acting out like he is. The best thing you can do for him is give in right now until he adjusts to the situation. I have to wonder if he is doing the same thing at his mother's house and if so then how is she handling things. I know it is frustrating but put yourself in his shoes, he is probably so confused and scared too. The more love you give him right now will ultimately lead to a very loving and close relationship with not only his dad but you as well. Let me know how things work out. Give him a big hug for me as well.
All of this sounds developmentally and situationally appropriate. The throwing from a 21 month old? Right on target. Children go through stages of "clinginess" and I imagine this is worse for him with the changes in his life. Also, sleeping in a different place from week to week is going to be SUCH a challenge. Maybe Mom and Dad can come to an agreement on a ritual so that it is as much the same in each location?
Knowing what to expect, you can make life as positive as possible, you set the tone! Bug B hit it on the nose as far as how to deal with him. Discipline right now is firm talk and distracion. As far as getting him used to you going down to do the laundry you can make a game of it. At a time when you don't have to do the laundry, go down the stairs turn around and say "Here I am!" every few steps Then go up a stairs a little, make funny noises or say "Forgot something!", go back down. Get it? Make it your game with him so he thinks its funny and gets the idea you are coming back. Make it longer and longer matching the time it takes to switch the laundrey. He'll get the idea in a fun way that you are coming back. When he throws something inappropriate calmly tell him we don't throw blank in the house. Lets throw this here! Or if weather permits, take him outside to through balls in a specific area. Always think of ways to validate what he is going through but direct it into a learning or fun experience for him.
As far as the judgements here, you will run accross it as we don't know the full story and it does sound quick if you know what I mean. If you really want to be a positive part of this childs life, know it will happen, ignore it as best you can and get the info you need. Good for you for not just plodding along and asking for help. It would be very hard to suddenly be a part of a childs life, they are everchanging the first years of their life. Have fun with it and do the best you can. Even more annoying things are ahead, OR if you choose to look at it differently, more fun challenges to be had are ahead.
extremely.
http://www.drmomma.org/2009/12/crying-it-out-causes-brain...
If I could find it, I'd post the link for the article on divorce too.
Your best bet: either find a good wrap or sling and carry him around (which would not only quiet him but relieve his anxiety on several levels), or seek a different boyfriend.
Simply: the boy is better off with his Mom. There is no 'fair' in a divorce for a child. They lose all the way around. custody is just a way of making the parents feel like they are getting a fair shake and treating the child like baggage. It's awful and horrifying, mostly for the child. Most people don't see it this way because - they are not the child.
Don't try to use reason with him until he's at least 5 years old. It'll just give you gray hair and he won't be able to process it fully and correctly until he's about 7.
Many many other aspects to this, but this is as simple and gentle as I can put it.
Attachment parenting international is a site you may wish to go to if you are planning on marrying into this family. Or in general, to find more information on forming relationships with children. I learned so much.
M.
HI J..
I hate to say it, but the divorce is rocking this baby's emotional life. Babes need super stability and going back and forth between mom and dad is naturally going to make him clingy and scared/angry/upset...he needs lots of nurturing and reassurance. Hang in there, but above all, give him lots of hugs and attention - he just probably needs that more than anything right now.
Additionally, 8:30pm is way past baby bedtime (10:55 is slightly crazy, no offense, meant - i know you can't physically make this kiddo sleep) - but he's way sleep deprived. Experts all reco that babies/kids (up until around 3-4 years of age) all go to bed between 6 & 8pm...anything later than that will push them into overdrive/overtired land and then they have a very hard time sleeping well. They also say that babes ages 1-3 get on average 11 hours of sleep a night and 1-2 hours of nap during the day. I have a just turned 2 year old and he goes to bed around 6:45/7pm every night - even if he's a bundle of energy because I know he'll get overtired before I know it and then bedtime is a battle and he wakes up super early and is therefore edgy/cranky/clingy/cranky the next day. Experts also say that tv before bed and naps (30 mins before it's time to lay down) is never a good idea bc it winds them up and they can't shut their brains off...so, nix the tv - read a few of his fave books or do something quiet with him before it's time for nap and bedtime.
He's probably throwing things because he's frustrated/overtired and can't communicate properly - and he knows it gets your attention, which is really what he's ultimately craving.
I don't know if you guys have a nighttime routine, but usually a warm bath, books and bed is ideal about 30-45mins before he's nestled in his bed.
Good luck with the kiddo - lots of sleep and cuddles should alleviate some of his clinginess.
:-) Best.
Sounds normal for any child of this age, plus he may be feeling more insecure because his routine keeps getting switched around - first he's with mom at one house, then at dad's in another house, dad has another woman there who is not his mom, but still acts like one, etc. He has to go back and forth over and over. It must be really confusing for him and his reaction might be to have more separation anxiety than he might otherwise.
Is he the same way at his mother's house? How does she handle it? What is his dad trying to do to help out?
If you have to get up or go in another room for a minute, just tell him you will be right back. Don't try to reason with him or "explain" too much - he won't understand it, he's not ready. Just try to remain calm and cheerful and let him know you will be right back. Then when you return, say "See? I came right back!" To some degree he might be trying to control your behavior and the situation with screaming and crying because it's all he knows and it's worked before. Hopefully it's just a phase that will pass with time and consistency.
As far as naps and bedtime, I would start breaking the movie habit ASAP though. The TV could be way too stimulating for him and making it harder for him to fall asleep and it's really unhealthy for him to have too much TV on all the time. 1 to 2 hours is way too long for him to take to fall asleep. A better routine would include 1 or 2 stories read to him, some cuddles, and a special toy, blanket, or other "lovey" to have with him. My daughter also likes having soft relaxing music on when she's going to sleep - we have CDs that we play for her with lullaby music on them. Lay down with him for a little bit, but leave before he falls asleep - otherwise he is going to become more dependent on you guys to help him go to sleep and he won't be able to do it on his own. If he gets out of bed, pick him up and put him back in without saying anything more, as many times as is necessary.
The most important thing is consistency - all of you (you, Dad and his mom) need to be on the same page and be willing to do things the same way, otherwise he is just going to continue to get confused and test limits and be more prone to tantrums because he doesn't know where the boundaries are.
There are some good books out there about toddlers and toddler behavior, such as Toddler 411 and The Happiest Toddler on the Block. Some episodes of Super Nanny could be really helpful too. I would suggest looking into some of these resources and trying to have a conversation with his dad and mom about what would be the best solution for everyone involved.
