Hi Mommas:
I wanted to get advice on an issue with my 9 year old niece. She is the most humble, well-behaved child I've ever known. She's already developing at an early age, and at 9 years old is already 4'8. I've changed her diapers since my sister brought her home from the hospital, so I see her as a daughter to me. My sister is a single parent, and the father is not around, he lives out of state, and hasn't seen his daughter since she was 4 years old. So here's the problem, my husband's sister just got married last month, through court, and there was an incident last summer, that has now turned more serious. Last summer my sister-in-law's now husband was supposedly teaching my niece how to play pool, and got behind my niece inappropriately, which made my niece feel really uncomfortable, she says she would try to squirm out of his way, and it took awhile for him to let go. His daughter, who is 10 years old was also there, and I don't believe she noticed anything out of the ordinary. My sister has a very open relationship with my niece, and has taught her that if anybody touches her inappropriately, that she tell her. Well nothing happened after that, until this past weekend, when again, my niece was playing with his daughter, downstairs, and my sister and myself were upstairs with my sister in law, that my niece told her mom afterwards that there was another incident where he sat right behind her as they played video games, and my niece said that he sat so close behind her that she could feel his breath on the back of her neck. As she kept moving forward he also moved forward, and was breathing deeply, which made my niece scared, until she ran upstairs. I really don't know how to approach this problem with my sister in law. I told my husband, and he just recommends that we monitor my sister-in-law's husband whenever my niece is around. I really don't think that is enough of a solution. I feel horrible that my niece, at such a young age, should be feeling threatened by this man. My niece even told her mom, that if we were to one day leave her with his daughter as a play date, and he was around, she'd kick him, storm out of the house, and run to a nearby restaurant to call for help. I am devastated that this man has already put a strain on her, that she already has a plan of escape. Since this past incident, I've noticed a change in my niece's behavior. She seems more quiet and sad. I know she's probably confused and even told her mom that she doesn't understand how other men in her life, like her grandfather, her uncle, and my husband have never made her feel uncomfortable, but this man has. How should we approach this, should we confront my sister-in-law's husband, or tell her directly what's going on with her husband. My husband said that if we tell her, she'll deny it, and take his side. She's been with him for five years, and she'll say that she knows him and he isn't that kind of a person. I'm also worried about his daughter, because he wrestle's with her and my sister-in-law told me that even his own mother has told him, that at her age, since she's already developing he shouldn't play with her like that. Of course he got really defensive and got really mad at her. My sister-in-law also got mad at his mother for saying that, that's why I think that if we tell her, she'll take his side, and there'll be conflicts with the family. I've also noticed that he's always around the kids, even when the adults are conversing and in a separate room, he'll always go play with the kids, instead of being with the adults. What do you guys think, to me my niece's well being is much more important than anything else. Nobody on my husband's side of the family really likes this guy, he seems really secretive, not even my mother in law, she says that we don't really know his past, or what kind of person he is. Any advice would be appreciated.
You've received some great advice and I just wanted to add my voice to the choruses to support your niece. Support her "gut" feelings and support her so that she doesn't have to be with this man at all. A nine year old should not have to endure this situation.
Good luck to you all. It is difficult to navigate through relationships with family members.
Hi H.,
Your niece is lucky to have an aunt like you who is concerned for her safety.
I would do some checking on the new husband. Try running a background check, it's well worth the cost. See if he has a facebook account and what type of people (and what ages) he cooresponds with. Google search him. If you can find more dirt on the guy it will give you more information to go to your sister with.
There are so many people out there who can pull off being so normal, but underneath the facade, their just bad.
Good luck! Let us know how it all works out.
Karen really makes you think about what would happen if you don't. I think Roxann has a great approach.. her words are not offensive but make the statement.
What kind of guy would want to make a young girl feel this way? Only one. And he needs to stay away.
Hi H.,
I'm editing my post to tell you that there are so many good responses to your question, and if you can't think of any other way to tell your sister, you might want to print off your (very well-worded and unbiased) question to us, as well as all of the responses you received, to show her that we are having the same gut reaction as you and your niece.
I've been thinking about you and your niece today and I hope that she is safe. Good luck, M.
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I have to second what another poster said: Go with your gut feeling - BE HER ADVOCATE. Sometimes kids can't speak up for themselves!!!
I congratulate you on having a niece that knows what is appropriate and what is not appropriate, who is strong enough to tell you what has been going on. Kids have a strong gut feeling themselves, and if your niece feels uncomfortable around him, it is for a valid reason. It's not like she acts this way around ALL of the males in her life, it's just him, so you know something is not quite right. To the point where she has an escape plan!
Please, please speak up for her and talk to her mother. A little family feuding is worth it - and if you didn't speak up and something did happen, the damage done to her (and your guilt) would be much worse.
Good luck.
Mel
Hi H.,
Diane C. had a great idea - call Children & Family Services and get confidential advice. I would also ask if there's a way to check this guy out -- you say he's very secretive and no one knows about his past. Perhaps he has a record of this type of behavior that everyone should know about. Most importantly, validate your niece's fears and let her know that you believe her. Whether this man is a full blown sex offender or just highly inappropriate, the fact is he scares this girl. Do not put her in the position of being alone with this man. Her instincts sound right on the money and the adults in her life need to protect her from further interactions. Best of luck to you.
I agree with the others that there needs to be a conversation with your sister in law. I'm not sure what your relationship is like with her but the best thing you can do in a situation like this is be honest. I would not go as far as to bring up your concerns for her own daughter but I would let her know "this is an uncomfortable situation for me but one i have to address none the less. My niece is uncomfortable around your husband because he just gets too close. I'm not making any accusations beyond that, I would just like for you to address this with him or tell me what you think would be the best way for us to address it with him." Also just to let you know, if there is something more going on, it would not be a DCFS matter but one for the police. DCFS only gets involved if the perpetrator is someone responsible for the care of the child like a parent, foster parent, caregiver etc. Anyone else is handled by the police. I'm a social worker and just wanted to correct that.
I got confused with all of the different relationships, but if I have it right, the only relationship between this girl and this man is through you, right? This is her aunt's (you) brother-in-law. Why does she spend any time at all with him? Why are they invited to your house? (or were they at the grandmother's house?)
I think you are right, anyway. You can't just "keep an eye on him" unless you're actually committed to making sure one of you is in the same room with him all the time.
I'm not one to overreact to this type of thing, but here is what I think I might say to the wife of the guy (your husband's sister):
"Niece is uncomfortable with your husband. I don't know or care what his deal is. I think you should know about it. I believe her, but that's not really the issue here so please don't tell me I'm wrong, because I'm not going to argue about it. I think for his own self-protection he should never be in the same room with her without another adult. I hope you can persuade him to stay away from her on his own. If not, he is uninvited to family gatherings at our house. We aren't taking sides, but we aren't going to end up in the middle of a DCFS case either."
H.,
Is your sister on the same page as you are? Does she know what is going on? I was just wondering if she has been told.
I was a victim of child molestation and from what I have read from your post, there needs to be a conversation. This can really affect your neice as she grows up. I am not telling you that it is going to be easy, because it is not. My molesting came from my uncle (mom's brother-in-law) at age 9 and I can tell you everything that happened as if it were yesterday (I am 40 now). It was and is something I still struggle with.
When it happened to me, my aunt was told right away. She of course did not believe me, and defended him as well. My parents threatened to press charges (on the advise of a friend who was a police officer) but my mother did not want to "upset" her sister (very bad move on mom's part). My aunt and uncle went on to adopt 2 children, and to this day, I have no idea if he had ever molested them as well(he is now deceased). When it's family it is a very hard. As I got older, it got more difficult for me to be around him, but I knew better then to be alone with him. I have been to counseling as an adult and I feel that the molesting changed my life and took it in a different direction. Please, for the sake and future sanity of your neice, say something as soon as you can.
I will be praying for you and your neice.
K.
Hi H., you explained the problem well...it sounds like this man is someone not to be trusted around young girls...If your niece feels uncomfortable around him, believe her...this should be brought to his wifes attention, so, if anything every happens, she can't say she didn't know about it...being silent about something like this is not good...I feel sorry for his own daughter and her young friends...who cares if it distrups the family...look how sad your niece has been and how she has changed...let him know he better quit or you will call the police...you don't need anyone like that in your life...he's already hurt your niece...my prayers are with you and your family...mother of 4 daughters...Josie
Here are my concerns. I don't want to rush to hang the man but there are a few issues that need to be addressed:
Your sister-in-law has known him for 5 years. So, your niece has known him since she was 4 years old???? There haven't been any concerns? Has anybody ever been concerned before, other than he rough houses with the kids? I'm guessing he's been playing with the kids for a while. Just thinking about get-togethers that we have, we have a couple older (male) cousins and two uncles who love to get wild with the kids. I've never thought it was strange. With that said.....
I am concerned that the sister rushed off to court to get married. Also....
At that age - no man should be wrestling with a young girl! From an honest man's perspective - it's sad - because, in my husband's case, he has always rough housed with the kids and, suddenly, BAM... can't do that! They are maturing! However, way back when I had to address it with my husband, he really felt sad that this part his life with his kids was gone but he knew I was sooo right and that "type" of play ended immediately! Again... an honest man's approach!
Yes, you have to speak with your sister-in-law, so that she can talk to her daughter's step father (NOT just her husband - which is how she is viewing it!) , from the perspective that "the girls are getting older and it really isn't appropriate to wrestle with older girls who are maturing". He also shouldn't be putting himself in the position of being alone with them anymore... just isn't smart for ANY adult to ever do that! They are not toddlers anymore. If he IS an honest man... this would prove to be a wake-up call. No one should be accusing him of anything and he shouldn't feel like you are.. just an observation. (however, he will know after it that he's on alert with the family!) Is he ever home alone with your niece afterschool? I would check that out.
Could some of this be manipulative on the part of your niece... yes, and that should be considered. Rather than you or your mother-in-law rallying against this man, with minimal facts, if you instinctively are concerned ... run a background check on him. Relatively easy to do nowadays! Might cost a little money but even simple checks are free. This is a site that everyone should be aware of.... I've used it many times. Yes, it's scary!
Also.. depending on the county that you live in. This happens to be Cook county/Oak Forest Zip Code but you just put in the zip code that you want, or the county.
http://www.isp.state.il.us/sor/offenderlist.cfm
It's good that your niece talks to you and to her mom. I'm hoping you can keep that line of communication open. You can't accuse him without causing major dissension and cutting off access with your niece - if you think there really is a concern, put your ducks in a row. You certainly don't want to cut off access with the niece.
I do not like two things in this. 1- that your niece notices the behavior and not liking it. 2- the guy gets defensive when confronted.
However, some guys are kind of ignorant of a young girl's feelings and not thinking that she can be very sensative about some things. My own dad was kind of ignorant that way without ever meaning to do any harm. It took a few embarrasing moments for both of us for him to change his behavior and kind of realise that his daughter developing into a young woman and he needs to condider his actions sometimes.
This guy is not a natural father so he can be even less sensative. Good thing he has a daughter, so you can start a conversation about her not your niece and just sort of "educate" him in general about the feelings the girls can have at this age, and some of the behaviors that he might want to change. See how he responds. If he changes - great! If not - may be you can be more firm then. Have a conversation with the girl's mom, same one, educational. Start there, then proceed furter if it is warranted. It is always a tough situation. You do not want to acuse anyone of anything if you are not sure. And at the same time you want to protect your niece. Have a talk with her too, have a communication channels open. In case she needs to talk to someone - be there. Good luck and God bless!
H.... I'm soo sorry this situation is happening. I also think it is your responsibility to be a protector of that child and any other regardless of how uncomfortable it makes your relationship with that other family. How horrible that your young neice was put in a situation where she was exposed to that man more that once. You are in a role of protector, so protect her. What could possibly be so important that she would have to be in a position where he can find some time without another adult around!? Dont expose her to that ever again! Be her hero! :D
You have to talk to the sister-in-law. Not accusing or anything. Just let her know that your niece is not comfortable and her husband is just getting too close. If she will, let your niece tell her how otherwise jsut give her some info. Even if she wants to get into denial, she needs to understand that your niece does not feel good around him. Then, whenever necessary, watch your bil like a hawk. Your niece should not be left alone with him, even if just based on how she feels. I think it is gret that your sis and niece are able to talk about everything and going in th eright direction with your oncern.
Ok, I'm just going to say this with much strength, RED FLAGS everywhere!!! Keep your neice away from this guy as much as possible and don't leave him with any kids with out another adult around to watch him. I was sexually abused at the age of 13 by the man I babysat for and this guy did the same sort of things. You have to protect her and if she's already got a plan of action, you don't want to put her in any situations to put her in danger of this guy. I would sit down with the SIL and tell her exactly what is going on and let her know that your neice feels threatened by him. If she doesn't get it then I would refrain from other family events. What a creep!!! Kids are smart and an adult needs to step up to the plate and watch this guy!! Just my 2 cents.
This is a very serious yet dangerous situation. Your niece's wishes should come first and she should not be left alone with this man. He is a clever predator. I would get some advice from a counselor who can tell you the pros and cons of action. I do believe his daughter is in danger but that must be handled very carefully. Get some good professional advice. I would also consider having your niece see someone regarding this. She needs to have her fears affirmed and how to avoid being a victim again. That man saw something in her that was vulnerable and made her a good target for him. I am sure this is not the first young girl he has done this to. You have to make sure that he does not get a third chance.
In addition to talking to your sister-in-law, I think everyone, including your niece, her mom, your husband, your sister-in-law, and the sister-in-law's husband need to be told very clearly that he is under no circumstances to be in the same room as your niece without another adult present. Also, talk to your niece about what the "plan" should that happen, she needs to leave the room and find another adult, etc.
Good luck.
H.- trust your instincts and by doing this you are teaching your neice to trust hers too. I would keep your neice completely away from this man- period. If she is telling you that she is uncomfortable around him, why put her through the stress of seeing him (even if other adults are around). Imagine how scary that must be for a 9yr old. She is looking to the adults in her life to keep her safe. I would also watch your BIL around any other child for that matter! I agree with the other posters- say something to your SIL.
Hi H.,
I'm sorry your neice is going through this. I am trying to think of how I would want it presented to me if my husband was making a little girl uncomfortable... this sounds about right...
"'Sara', I need to talk to you about 'Jim'. 'Jenny' has been getting very unformfortable around him lately. She said he has been invading her personal space, breathing down her neck, etc. I'm sure he's just trying to treat her the way he does his own daughter, but she's not used to the father-daughter relationship, so it makes her uncomfortable. Could you please speak to him about it and let him know she is beginning to get terrified? I would really appreciate it if he would stop getting so close. She's a little girl not used to having men that close to her. I just don't want this to get out of hand for both of their sakes. If this would have happened with any of your daughter's school friends, we might be having this conversation with your husband behind bars."
Good luck and PLEASE let us know what happens!
H., whatever you do, you MUST do something!!!! That little girl's fears must be validated or she will feel as if she has been abandoned by those she trusts most. Although your brother-in-law hasn't done anything severe, yet...he is certainly laying the ground work to see what he can get away with. so far you niece has handled it well by indicating that she won't tolerate his inappropriate advances, but who knows if he will try to hurt her to get at her in the future.
I was touched inappropriately by a mentally challenged man, in public, at 11 years old. Both of my parents stood up to him and alerted the authorities etc. However my mom's sister told me that it was okay that he did that b/c he has a sex drive even if he's challenged. I now know that that is true, but it DOES NOT make it okay. I felt so abandoned by her and hurt that she basically took his side. I still see this guy from time-to-time and he is very old now and I still get uncomfortable around him (25 yrs later).
So my point is if it were me I would not care what anybody thought I would confront him and his wife in defense of this young lady. No matter the level of impropriety this child's feelings must be validated and he must know that he is being watched to keep him away from young members of the family. If you sister-in-law wants to get upset, well that's her demon, not yours.
Your niece is lucky to have such a concerned and supportive aunt. Wish you all the best!
Good Morning
You have taken the first step to speak up, I have seen alot of cases where no one is there to witness or stand up, your sister in law like all the other cases, I have seen is blind, and will not see.Don't let them take her youth away,interveen call her school anonymous where they can question her. Have a man speak with him man to man. What I really mean is put the fear in him. It is better being loud and heard than silent .God Bless you,
I think the best advice is to seek EXPERT advice on how to approach this so that it can be handled in the best way possible. I am not suggesting that you do whatever you can to avoid conflict within the family, I am suggesting that you talk to someone who can guide you through the process of bringing it to light so that your sister-in-law is sure to put your niece's needs before her husband's. This is just like an drug/alcohol intervention: there are proven methods for success. Of course, it goes without saying that you must do SOMETHING...even if it is just making sure that this is brought into the light.
I would ask the experts how they would feel about you having a one-on-one talk with your niece to see how she feels about bringing this up with the other family members. She might be happy to have someone sticking up for her and find her voice? I don't know though...a question for the experts.
Good luck. I was just sick reading this...I feel awful for the situation these kids are in and the tough choices you will have to make as well. Wishing you the best.
My honest opinion is that you should confront this man in the presence of his wife.So that he would know that you and your sister are very aware of him! This might scare him off. Because if you don't then he will that know one knows and might go even farther the next time.
Hi H.
I'm very sorry she has to experience this behavior from this pervert but what I think you should do is tell your niece that she is doing the right thing by telling you all how he is acting. also inform her if another incident was to happen again. and he make her feel ucommfortable she should immediatly tell him that she don't like what he is doing or has done, and for him not to do it any more. Because that is her body and she have that right to say what is inappropriate to her as a young lady that way it won't give her the idea that this is ok since you all haven't adressed it yet.that way your sister in law don't have a leg to stand on in his defense. and she should immidiatly following come and tell you all ,no matter what is going on so he will know that she is or has told you all . Further more if the adults are interacting why is he around the kids the men in the house don't hold his attention( he's a coward.) if it were me I would suggest to him if he worm his way in there with the kids that I would randomly check on them that he don't have to stay in there with them.
Please get a hold on this I understand how you all feel about the sister in law and you want to keep her around that is the only way I could think of instead of just out right accussing him of his inappropriate dehavior.
Hi H.
It makes my heart aches when I hear stories like this. It need to be stopped before it get out of hand. I suggest that you and your husband sit down with the sister in law, her husband and the daughter and bring this out in the open. When a man and woman get married they're suppose to cleave to the husband and wife but the child is also special and important in every parent life. Another suggestion is ask your husband to talk to him man to man. I believe that God can work out any situation, let's pray about this situation together and know that God will reveal everything to your sister in law.
O.
You or your husband should confront him outside of your sister's ear shot and tell him that you are on to him and then threaten that you will cut his private off if he ever touches your niece inappropriately and that he better leave her alone. Kids have a good sense about these things and since you can't protect your niece when she is at home, you can certainly call him out on it. If it strains the relationship with your sister so be it, our children need to be protected and someone has to step up to the plate before something horrible happens. A child's life could be forever changed and all the adults in her life that love her will be forever guilty for not doing anything. Don't delay. You can also talk to your niece and tell her to tell him that he is too close and he is invading her space and that if he doesn't stop she will scream everytime he comes near her and she will tell every adult including school officials if he doesn't leave her alone. I stress again that a child senses these things, take the warnings as a sign to act.
