Am I Being Petty? - DHS,MD

It seems like you left the money out almost as a test, to see if they would take it or not. They did, and it seems you had a good idea they would, and now you're complaining about it. I think you never should have left the money out to begin with if you assumed they wouldn't take it. If I left 40.00 out for someone to watch my kids, I would do so with the full expectation that they would take and deserve the money. She did drive 30 min. both ways, so look at it as at least being gas money.

I understand what you are saying about family. As a family member or a really good friend, I would do the favor for free. Thats not everyone, but thats me. Now, if you left money out and offered to pay them for their services and they took the money, then you cannot get upset about it!

Sorry, you offered, they accepted. That is what you do for a sitter. Would I have taken the money? No. But I put value on family and helping out is what families do.

If I offer (or agree to for that matter) to watch anyone's kids, I would not expect payment. That goes for family or friend. If I want to do it, I wouldn't expect payment.. If I don't want to do it, I wouldn't do it.

On the flip side, if someone gave me money, I'm not the type to turn it down either. It's a personality thing for me where everything is black and white (asperger's). If you want to give me money, then go ahead. If you don't, then don't play the back and forth pretend to offer game, because I won't play.

If they offer to sit in the future, just say "I'm sorry. I don't have any extra cash for a sitter." They'll either stop asking or say "oh, you don't have to pay me".

Another lesson learned.

What's wrong with saying "the reason why I don't ask your wife to babysit is because I don't want to feel obligated to pay her especially when my MIL babysits for free, but if my MIL couldn't babysit, your wife will be the first person I call".

This is the brother who threw a tantrum because he set your toddler up to break his laptop??? You're not being petty. But you should let it go.

I feel bad for your SIL because sounds like there was no communication about your expectations (on both sides) for how the day would go. It almost sounds like your SIL wanted to come play with the baby and visit your family while pitching in to help you out. I don't think they should expect to be paid for something like that. But if they are strapped for cash, they won't turn down money if you offer it.

Next time she offers to babysit, just politely tell her that you don't have it in the budget to pay a babysitter, but that you would love a visit from her. And if she offers to watch the kids for free, then you won't have any misunderstandings.

in most families it would totally be free, especially since your SIL has been asking to do it.
but you set yourself up for confusion by leaving money and vague instructions. especially since you (presumably) know your brother.
don't set yourself up for annoyance.
khairete
S.

Added after your SWH: OMG, A. - I didn't realize that you were same lady who wrote about the brother with the laptop. NEVER ask these people to babysit again. You should never invite them over again. Just be in neutral territory (your mom's) around them.

I feel sorry for your SIL...

Original:
You aren't being petty, but I don't quite understand why you were surprised that he took the $40 when you KNOW this about your brother. I think you shot yourself in the foot, because not only did you "ask" him to take the money by putting it there, you also established a precedent.

I would not say anything, because you don't just "tempt" people who are "takers", but only use them in extreme emergencies because yes, you will need to pay them again. Try hard to only use your MIL.

Dawn

You are being petty. If you didn't want to offer money, then you shouldn't have left it out. Between gas and lunch (my guess is that they did takeout), that about covers it.

When we have a sitter, we always leave money for her to order dinner if it's around a meal time (usually is). Sometimes she orders, sometimes she makes a sandwich out of what is in the fridge. Point being, we offer it in good faith (and not part of her hourly rate) and don't get upset if she orders herself a chicken parm and a slice for the boy!

I pay my sister because she is out of work. If I need someone and she can do it, I pay her the same as I'd pay my other sitters. My family is HORRIBLE at just helping with my kids, so I guess I'd expect to pay more times than not.

I know other people who have family that will watch the kids for a full week, no problem, and not expect anything in return.

I wouldn't be taken back that they took the money though, it was a full day with a 2 month old...I'd just not ask them back if you don't want to pay again.

If you set out money and specifically tell someone it's there for their use if they want, you can't really complain when they take it. Had you just happened to have $40 sitting out and they pocketed it, the situation would be totally different. But you offered; they accepted. Case closed.

In the future, be straightforward and work out details like this in advance. I wouldn't expect to be paid to watch a family member's child, and I don't typically pay my family when they watch mine, but it is nice to do something thoughtful for them by way of thanks. For example, if we go out to eat, sometimes I'll bring home dessert for the person babysitting. My parents kept our child recently so that we could attend an out-of-state wedding, and we brought back a small gift for them.

Also, just curious: Why $40 for lunch? Two people can eat for half that.

When you set out the money, you offered it, period. To say now that "they know we are struggliing financially" and that there should be "some kind of (we are) family thing that she won't accept payment" -- well, that's actually saying "we didn't really ever mean for them to TAKE the money that we verbally offered and physically put out in front of them." Frankly you're backing off what you clearly offered them; don't. You offered and didn't really want them to say yes and take it. They did. Next time, if there is one, don't offer. But that'll be hard since you -- not they -- set the precedent here. SIL did not ever ask for money.

I assume this is the same babysittiing situaiton where your two-year-old came in an stumbled on the laptop cord your brother had strung across the room to the aquarium?

That alone is your huge red flag: Don't ever have them babysit again, especially since it looks like brother is more interested in cash and his laptop than in your child's safety or your own finances. I note that it was your brother, not your SIL herself, who claimed SIL was wanting to babysit. Next time let her tell you, and then tell her that you're OK with her doing it alone, but his laptop idiocy means he's not welcome for babysitting time. She likely is mortified by his childish behavior about his laptop. But as for the money -- let that go. There is no unofficial "don't pay family for babysitting" rule, and you have set the bar by paying.

You offered them the money. To be upset that they took it is indeed petty.

Yes. You are being petty. YOU put the money out. Whether or not you "meant" it or not - you did it. It's not like they stole from you. You put it out.

Gas isn't cheap. She drove 1/2 hour to take care of your baby - that will probably give her a half of a tank of gas.

I am sorry that you are struggling financially.

Oh my gosh! I would never take money for watching my own niece! That is crazy!

You are being petty. You don't leave money out, offer it, and then hold it against them because they take it.
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"We gave her $40 for the 5 hours. " That was from your last post on this matter so clearly you considered it payment. Now you aren't, is it because your brother is demanding money for his broken laptop? It sounds to me like you are trying to gin up credits so you don't owe your brother as much.

Yeah, unfortunately you sort of shot yourself in the foot. If you couldn't afford to pay them, you shouldn't have set the money out. You can't offer something and then get mad when they accept it. So yeah, you'll just have to move on from this, but you know that. I don't think it's any kind of 'rule' that families don't ask for payment for things. We usually pay my mother-in-law on the rare occasion that she watches our kids. My Mom would never accept money though. Just depends.

Next time, have dinner makings available. Problem solved. ;-)

First, to answer your question, NO, you're not being petty. I would have asked them up front if they expected to be paid. And then set out/paid what I would have paid a regular babysitter. If they said they didn't want money, then fine, no money! Then, I would have been sure there was food in the house because I would not have let them take my baby out anywhere; but that's just me!

I've babysat for my sister many times and all I ever requested is maybe have a can of pop be there for me or something little like that. I've never taken money from her.

At least now you know what to expect if you ever ask her again.

Good luck!!

You set out money for them, and you took it. So, yeah. What's to be confused about?

Are you trying to keep score with your brother?

It's not as if they stole the money. You set out $40 and told them it was there FOR THEM for lunch "or whatever." That covers an awful lot of ground, don't you think? If you didn't want them to take the money, or at least not to take all of it and to use it just to order their lunch, then you should have clarified.

"Here are some menus for places that deliver. You can use this money to pay for whatever you order, just please leave the change on the counter, okay? We also have a lot of drinks in the fridge and we picked up a lot of snacks that we know you guys like."

Then you leave out $20 and put the snacks you purchased for them specifically in plain sight on the counter.

I can see why you're annoyed. You were being polite and expected them to be polite back. Not sure why someone offers to babysit if they expect to be paid and since you weren't paying, took the $40 as "payment." Lunch isn't $40... Sounds like you just need to be more careful to not set yourself up and know they're not going to treat you how you would treat them necessarily. Deep breath and tell yourself "it would have been nice if they hadn't taken the money." vs they shoudln't have taken it. Then new strategies with them for now on...

I don't think that you are necessarily being petty, but you are not separating this with the laptop incident. You probably would not have been nearly as upset if they took the money and the laptop thing had not happened.

You have learned your lesson...just do not ask them to babysit.

I understand your thought process, but don't offer money you really don't want to give :)

Don't hire people to watch a child with the idea that really, you "could have" taken the child with you, so they shouldn't act like they watched the child all day :)

And not everyone will babysit for free like MIL. They may have, but you offered money.

Yes, if they were moral giants with plenty of money and nothing better to do than spend time with your baby all day, they could have refused payment. But again. You offered. If it makes you feel any better, a day out for me with one child would have cost me a lot more than $40! I have two other ones and no family near. I always offer money-even to friends- for sitting, and they always accept it. I don't want them doing me favors I can't return, and none of them have kids.

I am a little confused. If you are struggling financially, then why did you set money out? Not all family will watch your children for free. If you offered money and she took it then i wouldnt be offended at all. Maybe next time you should talk about payment before you ask her or anyone to watch your kids, unless they have told you in advance that they will not accept your money.

You offered the money and are now complaining because they took it?

Don't offer something you really don't want to give up.

BTW, I don't think you should pay for 1/2 of the computer repair. It was your brother's stupidity all the way around that caused that problem.

My in laws watch the kiddos for free, but we do pay my SIL. She is younger without any kids of her own. I feel that until she has kids and we can swap she should get paid...it's hard work!

Why didn't you have a frank discussion with them up front? I would never take money from a relative or close friend for babysitting if it was simply a one time thing. If it was a regular day care situation, I might, but certainly not for a single day out. But the way you put money on the table sounds confusing, and I even though I wouldn't take it, I wonder if they "knew" you'd be offended if they didn't.

Edit...

After reading Leigh R's response, I see there is more to this. And after reading your other post, I have to agree with her. You are being petty. You did initially say you paid her for the hrs, now you are changing your statement. That's about as confusing as leaving the money for them, telling them to use it, but not really wanting them to, and then when they do you get offended. Did he grab the money as he stormed out of your house because of his broken laptop? Or was it gone before that? Did you even notice whether the money was there or not when you arrived home? None of that really matters, I guess.

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Personally I wouldn't have taken it, especially if I had expressed being hurt that you never asked me to sit for you. On the flip side, my husband probably would have taken it. He feels that if it's offered then you should just accept, so as not to offend anyone. His logic took me by surprise because he is the most generous person I have ever met. He'll pay for dinner when we go out in a group, which I always disagree with. I also think that since you mentioned it was there if they decided to order something, should have also been a clear sign that it was there for food. Maybe they went to Olive Garden or something. Lol
I kind of agree with Kim O. In the sense that you didn't really intend for them to use it, but then you laid it out for their use, can be confusing, especially if they think like my husband. However, she is your SIL, and knowing your financial situation, I think she should have just left it there, with a thank you note, for the gesture.
She may have driven far to watch the baby, but it was something she wanted to do, and if she couldn't afford to do it, then she should have kindly declined and said that she would be more than happy to, the next time she was in town.
I'm not sure if you're asking, just to ask, or if you're asking with the intent to say something if you so feel justified by the responses, and I know you didn't say you had any intention to say anything, but just in case, I wouldn't say anything to her or anyone else that could repeat your displeasure in the scenario. I would just make a mental note of how to ask her to sit for you from here on out. Or just wait until she offers.
I think you might be a lot like me, where you just ask to see if others perceived the situation the same as you did.
To answer your question though, no, I don't think it's petty. I think this is a great question and it also makes you more aware of how to handle your sitters from here on out. Family or not. :0)

My sister would never take money to babysit my kids and vice versa

You left it for them n they took it. Don't leave it next time.

I understand your point, but he is your brother, not your parent. It's a different dynamic. Siblings sometimes are envious of each other. Maybe your brother feels that you are doing way better than he is financially and $40 to you is not much money or maybe he knew that you would offer cash because that's the type of person you are, so he took it.

If it were me, I would probably not let them babysit again for a while. They asked to babysit, so they had their chance. On a positive note, the good thing is that now you know that if no one else is available to babysit, your brother and his wife are an option. So, money well spent:)

Hi, A.:

There are some issues with your brother that was not included with your scenario.

That is another issue:

You stated you decline offers of money for your work when family asks you.
Why?

You could have left $20.00 instead of $40.00.

What did you learn from this incident?
Let your brother be mad, that is his choice but you are also mad
at him.

Take care of yourself.
No one else will.
Good luck.
D.

My SIL watches our son for 2 weeks every summer which is wonderful but we have to pay her $500 to do it. It's an obscene amount of $ but my husband started it years ago (when he was having troubles with his ex and needed to get their son out of the middle of it all) and she has come to expect it and our son LOVES to go so we're stuck paying more for that than we would pay for him to go to some amazing camp for 2 weeks! If you offered it, they had the right to take it or not and, unfortunately for you, they decided this was a paid gig, not a family favor.