A Friend Dilemma

How would she know what you are doing? I emptied trash cans, made my bed, put a load of laundry away, cleaned two bathrooms, swept my steps, railings and woodwork, sanitized my kitchen counters, and mopped my floor while on the phone catching up with my girlfriend this morning.

Based on your last question I doubt you give the impression you are employed full time. Get your work life in order and then see if everything else falls into place.

No one calls me before 5 because they think I am working. You give no impression of work hours, ethic,so it is confusing to your friends.

I might respond with, "yes, I have important things to do now. I'll call you when I have more time. Because you're important to me, may I call you back around ?" Choose a time during which you can fold clothes, do dishes, pick up clutter, etc. I'm guessing that you can't do those things because you're involved in doing something that you can't do while talking.

I wouldn't feel I had to make her happy. I would just let her hang up. This is her problem; not yours. She is responsible for how she feels. You are responsible only for how you feel. You can learn to let go of feeling hurt, anxious, responsible, etc. What ever you feel. Treat her phone call as just a phone instead of something for which you're responsible.

Updated

I might respond with, "yes, I have important things to do now. I'll call you when I have more time. Because you're important to me, may I call you back around ?" Choose a time during which you can fold clothes, do dishes, pick up clutter, etc. I'm guessing that you can't do those things because you're involved in doing something that you can't do while talking.

I wouldn't feel I had to make her happy. I would just let her hang up. This is her problem; not yours. She is responsible for how she feels. You are responsible only for how you feel. You can learn to let go of feeling hurt, anxious, responsible, etc. What ever you feel. Treat her phone call as just a phone instead of something for which you're responsible.

This has actually happened with me. But it was my mom.

My mom was 19 when she had me and single so I lived with my grandparents from birth to 5 until she got her act together. So she didn't really go through the baby/toddler/kid stage with me.

When I had my 2 kids, my mom would call me and would get pissy if I didn't answer the phone every time she called. The kicker was though, when I did answer it and we'd be chatting and one of the kids was getting into something and I would yell over at them, my mom would immediately say something like, "ok, you can't talk so I'll let you go" and she'd hang up on me before I could even say something!!! It was so rude! Like what does she think I can do, let my kid run outside and just keep talking to her and ignore my kids??!!!

So finally after this happened a few times, and she did it again, I called her right back and was pretty firm with her. I said "mom, I try to talk to you when you call but I can't just sit there with undivided attention when I've got little kids I have to continually watch. You need to understand that they are my priority when I'm home alone with them and have to keep them safe. I love you and would like to be able to just sit and chat with you but I can't always do that. Please understand my life is not the same as it was when I was single. I have a husband and kids and I have to juggle everything around, including my phone calls with you. Don't get angry with me but instead understand I have little kids that I have to watch at all times." I think she mostly got it after that and was better.

Maybe you need to do this with your friend. If you tell her you have 15 minutes and she thinks that isn't long enough, then take that opportunity to explain why you can't just lay on the couch for hours and chat like you wish you could. Tell her you were just about to start the laundry, or dinner, or a work project, or dusting, etc, but you can put that off for 15 min so you can get caught up. Then she knows at least you are planning on doing something so she knows you won't be on that long. Then after the 15 minutes is up, say, I better get going so I can get my stuff done but I'm glad we could chat. Then she knows you appreciate her calls and are not just trying to get rid of her.

You mentioned in your last post that you work from home. If you are clicking "like" on Facebook all day and playing games, and commenting on stuff, other people can see that. If she "knows" you are home but you have time to sit on Facebook and waste time, she probably figures you have a lot of free time (since you clearly aren't working) and wants to chat with you since she's home during the day too.

So I think the easiest thing is to just tell her you are frustrated because you feel like she gets upset when you can't talk every time she calls. She'll either understand or she won't and if not, then you'll have to figure out what to do about the friendship. Good luck.

You work from home? So do I. My hours are VERY odd since I'm a recruiter and there are times I need to call someone at 630 in the morning because that's when they are available. There are times when I "play" during the day and work from 3:30 to 8PM.

My friends KNOW I'm dedicated to my job. They also know that I'm flexible. So tell me - what do you show your friends? You say you procrastinate and get sucked into FB. Well - whose fault is that? Where is your work ethic?

Your "friend" sounds like she needs your undivided attention. Why not ask her to meet for coffee or lunch? Then she will have your undivided attention. I can't imagine a friend demanding that I not do ANYTHING while I'm on the phone with them. That's NOT a friend.

I think you need to get your priorities straight. You need to show people your serious work ethic and you need to stand up for yourself and tell your "friend" she's important to you and you can multi-task while talking with her.

Well, personally, I don't keep obnoxious people like that in my life, or on my speed-dial... but I digress....

I have a sibling who is eyeballs-deep in kiddos, so we schedule our calls. I mean, sometimes we are both spontaneously available, but it's often the case that we call to make a phone date with each other. This way, we both can set aside some time to chat. Maybe this would work?

Or, if you are working full time, have 'office hours' where you don't pick up personal calls? Don't know what else to tell you.

Simply don't answer her phone calls when you're working or washing dishes or doing laundry.

Then schedule a time with her, maybe once every two weeks, when you can meet for coffee somewhere in person. Give her the attention she needs.

I have a friend who loves to chat also, but she makes no demands, and we both can be honest and say that we really don't have time right now. We're also honest enough to say "this is an emergency" (like if I'm taking my dd to the ER or if my friend is having an anxiety attack) and we both know that the call takes precedence over anything else. A friend who is offended by your having responsibilities, who replies that it seems like you have things that are more important than her, and who makes demands about what you can and cannot do while on the phone (unless it's noisy like washing pots and pans, or running the sink disposal) isn't really a helpful friend.

A true friend makes your day better, helps you to be a kinder and more truthful and more compassionate person, enhances your life, helps you to be accountable (sticking to your diet, or keeping up with your responsibilities, or putting in 20 minutes on the treadmill, or reading your Bible or guidebook daily, or meeting whatever goals are important to you).

You say you don't want to lose her, but you're captive to her. Either be honest with her and tell her that you value her as a person but her demands are unfair and unhelpful, or free yourself.

Get a blue tooth ear piece, she will have no idea what you are doing while you are talking to her.

A perfect example of someone who did not think about what they would do after they retired from work. All the people she knows are workers. She needs to take classes, get a hobby, or join an exercise class with people in a similar area of life.

I want to retire, too. But many of my acquaintances now are still working. So I have to seek out the ones that are home or are into the hobbies that I am in order to have friends to do things with and have lunches.

Talk with your friend at a time that is convenient to you on a Thursday or early Saturday morning. If she begins to repeat herself just make it sound as if one of your kids did something that you have to take care of to end the call. Just don't do it every time she calls.

You are not responsible for her happiness - remember that. Good luck to you.

the other S.

From how you've written this, it sounds like it's a pain. She might sense that.

Why not suggest that you guys get together? I would much rather have coffee, lunch or a glass of wine with a friend than talk at length on the phone. And if it's one sided - then that's not much of a friendship - if they go on and on at length.

I'd suggest that in future. That way it's a nice break from family, pets, work, and you can focus on each other - while having fun.

If she's on the phone, how can she "demand" that you just sit and do nothing else. You complained a minute ago about procrastinating on FB and other social media sites. If you have time for that, why don't you have time to chat with your friend. Not making a whole lot of sense to me.

Regarding the first response you received, you didn't say you had 'NO' time to talk with your friend, you said you had 15 minutes. I think that's perfectly reasonable. I'm not a phone talker, not even with the best of my friends who live across the country. AND, if I'm on the phone, I'm surely not standing/sitting still. Anyone who "demands" that you do or not do something while you're on the phone with them, well, in my opinion, that's their problem to deal with.

If she's truly a good friend you want to keep in your life, you need to have a candid, honest, but kind talk with her and tell her that at this point in your life, with numerous family and work obligations, you are limited in the time you have to talk on the phone. Listen to what she has to say in response, but don't feel the need to completely change your position.

Does she live in town? If so, try to come up with a time when you can have lunch together, or maybe a movie, shopping date, whatever you enjoy doing together. If she doesn't live anywhere nearby, maybe once a month or so, you can schedule in a little longer time to talk with her on the phone occasionally---not every time.

I think you both have to be a little giving----she needs to understand that you are at a really busy place in your life with limited time, and she, being retired, has much more time on her hands. You need to understand that she needs a little bit more of you, and even if it's just a little more, any effort you make in that direction tells her that she, amongst all of your other obligations, is still a valuable part of your life.

Good luck! Longterm friendships always go through various stages throughout the course of a lifetime.

How does she know what you are doing while you are on the phone? Keep working if you need to.

She's interpreting your life as putting limits on her friendship. I think it's okay for someone to want to know if this is a good time and if you can pay attention - if you've ever been on the phone with someone just saying, "Umm-hmmm" all the time, you know how frustrating it is when you know they aren't really paying attention. I find it difficult to talk over a lot of kitchen noise, so I can see the "washing dishes" thing. But folding laundry or running a dust cloth over the furniture? How would she even know. I keep a full watering can in the kitchen and use phone time to silently water plants.

If you tend to be distracted and overwhelmed, then I can see her really wanting to get you to settle down. But demanding that you sit, and determining at the get-go that 15 minutes isn't enough? That's someone who's trying to control you, or who really isn't confident in her worth. Is the phone call an even exchange of info? Or are you supposed to be her unpaid "therapist" who just listens and doesn't get to have her be a friend back to you? The "I'm not important enough for you" statement says she is fishing for reassurance. If she calls all the time and 15 minutes is never enough, I think it's her problem.

If this is a valuable friendship, then put in the time for her once a week. Make a lunch date once a month, and turn off your phone. If it's really just a long-term friendship that has run its course and is no longer bringing you great value, let it go and tell her you don't think you have enough in common anymore for you to devote time to her (especially if it's not reciprocated). Otherwise, don't answer her calls until you really can devote the time, but resist the directive that you absolutely must sit down. Find one or two little quiet things you can do without her knowing - but make sure they are brainless things.

Tell her when you'll be available to talk - and then if she calls outside the hours you told her then don't answer her call.
You might want to mention jokingly at some point that you're working hard to pay taxes that go into Social Security (you're working hard to pay for her benefits).
She needs a social network - you can't fill that whole role for her.
Suggest senior activities she can get involved with where she can make more friends her age.

This woman knowing you work full time, have a family to care for, etc. and almost hangs up when you don't have time for a long rambling conversation? and this is your friend?? Wow! This woman sounds abusive and controlling and I would distance myself from her.

She is not really a friend. She is too self centered to anyone's friend. I had a 'friend' like this a bit narcissistic would call at 7 AM because she was up - I wasn't and want to talk forever. And always the same topic her S/O the center of the universe. She had been a substitute teacher for many years, her 1st husband died and one of his friends started coming over and soon they were dating then engaged.
Other than that she had no life. She didn't do volunteer work, never had kids, would consider any other type of job. I suggested she work as a trainer for a corporation her teaching skills were in demand in the business world. She blew me off as 'not knowing anything'.
I started backing away and she stopped calling--finally. It's not that I didn't see good in her, I did, she really was a nice person with a good heart. But had no friends because she was so overpowering with her neediness.
I recommend you tell your friend to 'get a life' maybe no so harshly but tell her she could volunteer for any number of organizations, take up a hobby, get a pet ... any number of things to occupy her time. You should also tell her she is being unreasonable you have a family to care for and cannot devote so much time to talking on the phone.